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Major denial and poor choices....Can anyone relate?

swtsarah222
Posts: 1
Joined: Apr 2011

Hi everyone. This might be a little long but I have some things that I really need to get some advice on. Hopefully someone can somewhat relate and give me some advice or resources on what to do.

My mother was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer in early febuary of this year. It came as a huge shock to all of us. I live out of state and have not seen her for over six months. But we have always been EXTREMLY close and talk on the phone 4-5 times a day. She currently has a boyfriend who shes been having problems with for over a year. (Sleeping separte, constant fighting exc.) Well she was having some pain in her lower back for a couple months and told me over and over she was fine but this pain was there. Me and my siblings were always on her to go to the dr. But she never would. He live in boyfriend was aware of this and never dragged her to the dr. Just gave her a heating pad. Well one Sunday the pain became so severe that she woke up in severe pain and went to the ER. My sibling works there and made her go in. During this visit they discovered she has Colon Cancer with mets to Liver, Lungs and Kidney. One tumor is so large that it has shut down one kidney. These symptoms along with a 20-25 lb weight loss since i last saw her. This all went by the waste side with her BF. When I heard the news, I immediatley got on a plane and spent everyday and night with my mother in the hospital. I was away from my family and my job for almost three weeks with my mom. In turn I had to lose my job exc. This was all fine to me, because my mother needed me and my husband understood. Long story short, She was given a prognosis of a about a month. She made the desicion to move in with me due to the relationship she was in. (He never spent one night or more than one hour in hospital, but took off work and sat at home.) He was not involved at all in anything. I had to set up Hospice, Disability, Medicaid exc. So I packed up her clothes and some personal belongings and drove up to my house which took about 2 days. She was so lessed stressed and back to being the strong positive woman I know.
Hospice was set up here, but she wanted to see about getting another opinion because she wanted to see about more treatment options. Things were great her BP, Lungs sounded clear, and everything seemed to be going extremely well. I found two doctors in the area that did treatment for stage 4 colon cancer. We went and saw one and he gave the great news of being able to start on chemo. I was so excited for her. Finally a Dr. gave us hope that there are options for her. After we saw the Doctor my mother really changed. She was unsure of treatment and became very negative about everything in my house, me and all doctors in my area. She decided that she was going back to Florida and bought a one way ticket. I tried in every way to stop her but she was determined to go back. She had been here for about 3 weeks at this point. her Bf in which she left was expecting her to drive to airport on her own and get on flight. She is on Dilaudid and had been told many times driving on this is not a option. But he thought she would be able to drive herself....(scary!) I drove her to the airport not wanting her to drive herself. The car ride there was ver cold. I tried to make conversation and nothing was returned. Silence the whole way. Once we got to the airport she said to me she was just going down there for a week and would be back. I said ok, and never really said goodbye the way I would liked to.
Once she was down there for about three days she said she was not returning. I was in shock. The hospice team here was also. She was basically making a rash desicion without thinking about who would be there with her, Having insurance in that state and no doctors or hospice care set up. I was her power of attorney and her health care surrogate. She immeditely gave these two things to her BF of 2 years. The one who fought with her, was not there at the hospital and has been having problems with for awhile. I was in complete shock. He wont answer any text messages on my moms condition, nor will he return phone calls. My mom has almost completely stopped talking to me. She will send a text message here and there. About once every two - three days but no phone calls. Last time I talked to her on phone was over a week and half ago. Its like my mother has completely changed and I am so worried about her. She is making desicions that are not sensable. To the average person these desicions seem very disfunctional. I am at a crossroads. I have no idea on what I can do... I want her to be taken care of, or at least someone there that communicates with her children. he works six days a week 7-6...So for most of the day he is not present. She is all by herself. Her hospice team there wont answer and text from me or any of my siblings as well. her current hospice nurse was the one from before and originally was keeping me updated but that all came to a end. She has said to me that she has never seen a daughter do as much as I have. But now, Im assuming she has been told not to give us info? This has caused a huge burden on me and my mothers relationship. I dont know what happened? I was one of the only people to help her and get everything set up for her. But now its like she is angry at me for helping her. I guess I just wanted to know if this is something anyone has gone through? It is very hard for me to be dealing with this. If anyone can give me any advice on what to do I would really appreciate it.

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