~My turn to vent~

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RE
RE Member Posts: 4,591 Member
in Breast Cancer #1
Well folks I guess we all have times when we feel the need to vent, this is mine. Today one of my neighbors who is a bit quirky stopped me while I was walking to the mail box. I thought to myself, self I wonder what’s up today. After a bit of small talk she blurted out “so did you have both breasts removed or just one? I was a bit taken aback (she knows I have had cancer several times and in the past she has been supportive). I answered that I only had one removed, so she asks "so what do you have in there now, saline?" I answered yes I do, she shoots back so were you just flat there before, I asked her why she needed to know? She said she was just wondering, then she blurts out what about the nipple (I recently had the nipple remade and it is now noticeable as it would be if it were natural). I told her she was getting a bit personal and if she needed to know more she could go online and google it. She continued by asking me where they got the material for the nipple. By then I was not happy with this line of questions so I asked her “do you have breast cancer and that is why you are asking me?” She said oh no, so I told her this line of questions was quite personal and I was done talking with her about it. Was I too sensitive, it just struck me as an assault on me perhaps I was in a super sensitive mood I don’t know it just upset me. Anyway thank you for listening.

Hugs,
RE
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Comments

  • camul
    camul Member Posts: 2,537
    #2
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    RE, No, you have every right not to discuss your business if you chose not to. She was very insensitive and did not respect the boundaries that you had obviously set. I think it is really sad that some people just don't get the fact that we have the right to chose who we want to discuss our personal information with.

    I applaud you for being so upfront with her. But I do think you should have told her that it was filled with tequila, and the nipple was a transplanted gift from a nabor. We in my house refer to people that ask these questions as DA's (dumb a**'s).

    Hope you feel better about it.
    Carol
  • Dawne.Hope
    Dawne.Hope Member Posts: 823
    #3
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    vent away!
    RE - It never ceases to amaze me how insensitive and stupid people can be. I think you handled it perfectly. It was totally none of her business ... she was curious ... but it was beyond curious and it was nosey. People like that ... I don't trust what they'll do with that information ... tell the other neighbors? NONE OF HER BUSINESS!

    I love camul's response! :)
  • Double Whammy
    Double Whammy Member Posts: 2,832 Member
    #4
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    Dawne.Hope said:

    vent away!
    RE - It never ceases to amaze me how insensitive and stupid people can be. I think you handled it perfectly. It was totally none of her business ... she was curious ... but it was beyond curious and it was nosey. People like that ... I don't trust what they'll do with that information ... tell the other neighbors? NONE OF HER BUSINESS!

    I love camul's response! :)

    It's none of her business!
    whether you have 0 or 15 breasts with or without nipples and how you got them! It amazes me how some people think it's perfectly fine to confront someone about a personal issue and think it's ok. It's not. You done good, Re. Vent away and don't feel obliged to share personal/initimate information with someone just because they were bold enough to ask. What makes them think they have the right to know details about something that is so personal? Even if it wasn't about your breasts, it's your health and that's not information anyone has the right to know unless you want to tell them! Makes me angry for you.


    Suzanne
  • Hippiechick58
    Hippiechick58 Member Posts: 320
    #5
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    Double Whammy said:

    It's none of her business!
    whether you have 0 or 15 breasts with or without nipples and how you got them! It amazes me how some people think it's perfectly fine to confront someone about a personal issue and think it's ok. It's not. You done good, Re. Vent away and don't feel obliged to share personal/initimate information with someone just because they were bold enough to ask. What makes them think they have the right to know details about something that is so personal? Even if it wasn't about your breasts, it's your health and that's not information anyone has the right to know unless you want to tell them! Makes me angry for you.


    Suzanne

    There are nosy well-meaning
    There are nosy well-meaning neighbors, and then there are mean neighbors. I think she fits into the latter category! You handled it very well. Congrats to you. I had a similar situation happen to me from a nosy neighbor. I wasn't as suave as you were. I told her to go to hell and to never talk to me again! Now when I drive by her house she puts her head down. Oh well. Steroids will do that to you, lol.

    Be Well,
    Dianne
  • CypressCynthia
    CypressCynthia Member Posts: 4,014 Member
    #6
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    No, you are not too
    No, you are not too sensitive. You clearly let her know that you had had enough and she continued on thoughtlessly and insensitively.

    I have a neighbor who loved to tell me all about her latest friend/family member who had succumbed to breast cancer (and all the gory details). I avoided her like the plague for years. Now, 24 years later, I stand a little taller and prouder and really, really want to stick out my tongue and say, "nanny, nanny, boo, boo." But I am much too mature for that. ;-)
  • laughs_a_lot
    laughs_a_lot Member Posts: 1,368 Member
    #7
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    boundaries
    Because you forewarned her that it was getting personal and she continued anyway she was rude. However, I like the fact that you asked if she had breast cancer. Since the answer is no then again.....rude. However, with the question you asked about whether she had bc allowed her to know when some of these questions might be more appropriate. Though she is unlikely to ask you again should she get bc later, you have let her know when she can ask these kind of questions. Information of this sort is on a need to know basis.
  • skipper54
    skipper54 Member Posts: 936 Member
    #8
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    congratulations
    You handled it very well. If someone has bc and is looking for information that's one thing but your neighbor crossed the line. She now knows that it's okay to ask if she ends up with bc but won't push the envelope. I like camul's attitude and will try to remember that line should the need arise. But then again, with chemo brain maybe I ought to write it down.
  • jennytwist
    jennytwist Member Posts: 896
    #9
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    skipper54 said:

    congratulations
    You handled it very well. If someone has bc and is looking for information that's one thing but your neighbor crossed the line. She now knows that it's okay to ask if she ends up with bc but won't push the envelope. I like camul's attitude and will try to remember that line should the need arise. But then again, with chemo brain maybe I ought to write it down.

    Oh my goodness!!!
    I think you were amazingly restrained in continuing the conversation as long as you did! I can't believe what some people ask. I too, had one breast removed and everyone seems so curious - I had somone ask me "which one?"
    -anyway, you are so kind - I'm sure I wouldn't have lasted that long.
    -Jenny
  • disneyfan2008
    disneyfan2008 Member Posts: 6,583 Member
    #10
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    terriable to grill you like that
    even my very close friends have never asked me anything UNLESS I brought it up! So sorry...she was like this...I hate when people catch me off guard & I dont' have quick comeback to put them in their place..!

    I have tried to turn things back on person asking to put them on the spot..but mostly I get baffled...I am slow learning..

    Denise
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #11
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    disneyfan2008 said:

    terriable to grill you like that
    even my very close friends have never asked me anything UNLESS I brought it up! So sorry...she was like this...I hate when people catch me off guard & I dont' have quick comeback to put them in their place..!

    I have tried to turn things back on person asking to put them on the spot..but mostly I get baffled...I am slow learning..

    Denise

    It still seems like she had
    It still seems like she had a reason for such questions. why all the sudden she wants to know? weird. I admire your strength and how forthright you are for putting boundries on her.
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #12
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    I have had my share....
    And I say "So, do you want to see?" And reach for my bra clasp. Right there in public. Now, no worries, I would NEVER actually reveal (well, I did once go topless on a beach in Spain...but that's a WHOLE other story...lol!) anything...

    WHAT a wierd situation it is! I also had a dear friend ask me about implants, knowing that I had had cancer, for her daughter. I told her "you know, it's such a personal thing. Since she is an adult, she needs to make her own choices!".

    BIG hugs to a VERY special lady!!!

    Hugs, Kathi
  • Bella Luna
    Bella Luna Member Posts: 1,578 Member
    #13
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    BRAVO
    RE... your neighbor is as "graceful" as a hippo walking through Central Park. She has some nerve. Go ahead and vent away, you have every right.

    You are such a CLASS ACT. You kept your cool and with GREAT TACT, something your neighbor is in dire need of, told her, "I am done with your questions and with you."

    I applaud you and am shouting BRAVO to YOU, RE!
    Ines
  • Jean 0609
    Jean 0609 Member Posts: 2,462
    #14
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    Talk about a nosy neighbor!
    Hope you feel better after your vent. Hopefully, she will leave you alone from now on.

    xoxo,
    Jean
  • Kat11
    Kat11 Member Posts: 1,931 Member
    #15
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    Bella Luna said:

    BRAVO
    RE... your neighbor is as "graceful" as a hippo walking through Central Park. She has some nerve. Go ahead and vent away, you have every right.

    You are such a CLASS ACT. You kept your cool and with GREAT TACT, something your neighbor is in dire need of, told her, "I am done with your questions and with you."

    I applaud you and am shouting BRAVO to YOU, RE!
    Ines

    Dear Re
    I think you did very well. Sounds to me like she really has something on her mind,if she has never questioned you before, Or you just hit the big time LOL and she really is a busy body and wants to know it all. Never the less, I think you handled yourself very well. Love you Re
    Kathy~
  • Marcia527
    Marcia527 Member Posts: 2,729
    #16
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    I'm a bit quirky too RE. If
    I'm a bit quirky too RE. If you were uncomfortable answering the questions I guess googling was a good reply. I was a little thoughtful about how you reacted tho cause you are so open here. Then I realized that I also post things I'd never say face to face. That's why a face to face support group doesn't work for me. I'd cover everything up with a smile and never fess up to anything. But I've known people like your neighbor too. You did good.
  • chenheart
    chenheart Member Posts: 5,159
    #17
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    "This Is A Test!" We were
    "This Is A Test!" We were just talking about this at lunch on Saturday, weren't we? The mean things people say as opposed to the ignorant...

    I know you, RE~ you are not a shrinking violet nor one who would be hesitant to explain/educate anyone on BC and all of its intricasies. Like you, I too thought perhaps her physical stauts had changed; Heaven knows we can all attest to being fine one day, and the next, finding a lump... I am glad you asked about her health!

    But no!!!!! I am appalled that she kept on and on about thngs which were clearly not her business~ she reminded me of a Peeping Tom! I for example could NEVER imagine any of us asking a neighbor who had prostate surgery or a vasectomy intimate/personal details, can you??? A major line has been crossed here!

    You of course handled the situation and yourself beautifully~ which comes as no surprise to me! I LOVE that you suggested she Google it! I think that will be my new buzz- off phrase~ "Hey! Google It!"


    Hugs,
    Chen♥
  • Katmy
    Katmy Member Posts: 93
    #18
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    I am impressed with the way
    I am impressed with the way you handled your neighbor. Thank you for sharing. I think I will model my responses to people based on yours. It is cold here and I have not been out much, esp. since Chemo knocks me down. But, I wonder what will happen when I get out and all of a sudden my hair is gone, I'm skinny, etc. The questions will start rolling. And I don't mind answering, but how close is too close?

    You have such poise.
  • tufi000
    tufi000 Member Posts: 745 Member
    #19
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    I am surprised you didn't deck her knowing you. You were more than reasonable. Given time to think I might have demanded the hidden reason for her grilling before providing more than the initial titty count as it seems there was an underlying agenda here.
    Miss you

    Sherry
  • cindycflynn
    cindycflynn Member Posts: 1,132 Member
    #20
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    Wow
    just Wow...

    The insensitivity of some of the things I've read on here are just astounding.

    RE - Of course you handled the situation about as well as it could be handled. I've been pretty open in talking to good friends about my treatments, etc., but this line of questioning from someone whose really just an acquaintance is just unbelievable.

    I hope that if something like that ever happens to me I will handle it almost as well as you did (have to remember the Google it line - perfect!)

    (((HUGS)))
    Cindy
  • CR1954
    CR1954 Member Posts: 1,390 Member
    #21
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    Who do...
    Who do you live next door to, Gladys Kravitz? LOL! Guess I'm showing my age now.

    I would likely have been polite and answered the first couple of questions, as you did. But as the questions became more probing, and she couldn't/wouldn't give an explanation for her sudden interest, I probably would have told her that the rest is none of her business (I am no longer as shy as I used to be).

    I'm all for discussing these things IF there is a legitimate reason. But there apparently is not, in this case.

    Sadly, there will always be instances like this. I guess we will just have to handle them according to the mood we are in at the time.
    You did the absolute right thing, in my opinion, RE.

    Huggin' ya!
    CR

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