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feeling a little down

Cindy Bear
Posts: 560
Joined: Jul 2009

Hi everyone . Feeling a little down this week. Tomorrow is my mother's birthay, she would have been 81. But she isn't here to celebrate. My husband and I will celebrate 25 yr. anniv. in May and she always used to say,"We'll have a party God willing..." Well apparently, God wasn't willing.
Been thinking about the past a lot the last week or so.. mistakes I've made, things I regret saying or doing, coulda, woulda, shoulda things.. Thinking about a couple of friends I let slip away.... I guess the sadness of tomorrow has just made me really introspective ... does anyone else ever feel that way... I know I can't do anything about the past, just the present and the future..

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

As many dear ones have shared, these "first's" are so difficult, so sad. Cindy Bear, I can't look at a bird, a flower, my children, without reflecting on our great loss. In our "human-ness" it is very normal to feel our loved ones absence on the days that we celebrated together, even more intensely.

Thursday, we will celebrate my son's 29th birthday. I see the sadness in his eyes. We are very close, him and I, but tradition was for his Dad to take him golfing for his birthday. I golfed but would usually stay home and prepare his favs foods while they were out. Do not have it in me to go chase a little white ball this year, but I hope that maybe next year I may be able to pick up on their tradition, if my son wishes to.

Lately, when I introspect, I try not to think in terms of coulda, woulda, shoulda, or regrets, too much. Like you, I am trying to see how this new life is going to make me a better person, to myself and others.

Will be thinking of you tomorrow.

Take care,

Lucy

Cindy Bear
Posts: 560
Joined: Jul 2009

Lucy.. thank you for your kind words, they brought tears to my eyes.. It's so wonderful to come to this board and know that others understand, the grief, all the emotions...I made it through this day somehow, keeping busy at work.... it's still so cold here and snowing right now , but even so I see the promise of spring, the birds have arrived...
Hugs,
Cindy

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Cindy,
All of the firsts you'll be facing without your mom will be the hardest. Last year I had to celebrate the first Easter without Tom soon, cause he died on March 25th. So now here it is almost April again and I have gone through all of the birthdays & holidays without him. Although my birthday was March 10th so that was the first birthday for me alone. Thank God for my kids & grandkids who really watch over me & make sure I"m not alone.
So remember your mom as I'm sure she's looking down on you every day.
I still miss my mom and she died in 1989. Us moms are great so we'll always be missed when we're gone. Take care cindy! Luv, Carole

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

I think the whole experience of losing someone, maybe especially through cancer, makes us take a new look at our lives. You are right, though, we can't do anything about the past. Maybe we can be more aware of our mortality and try to be better people today. I know watching my husband fight cancer and knowing his time was short has changed me. He used to say he got up each morning and thought, "Today is a good day, I woke up." Now I try to make each day count. I know I won't always succeed, but I can try. I'm sure I will still have the coulda, woulda, shouldas going forward. Hindsight is always better than present or future sight. Fay

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1560
Joined: Nov 2009

Hey Cindybear
You are not alone here. All of your thoughts and feelings are very normal. My dad has been gone a year March 9th. His 72 birthday would have been 2/26. You know what I did on that day? I told my dad Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven! On March 9th I told my dad Happy 1st Anniversary in heaven! I celebrated his life, here on earth, not his death on earth. I celebrated his 1st year in heaven. I know he is in a much better place now. His life on earth had become non existant. He no longer had a quality of life. I am sure your mom was somewhat similar. Cancer does that to most. I feel that my dad's passing actually was a blessing.We will see our parents again. Jesus made us that promise, and he always keeps his promises! Hope this helps, and I hope you can begin to see your mom's passing in this way. As far as your lost friend's are concerned, go find them! I am sure they are looking for you too. Keep in touch.
Tina in Va

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