Is it normal to feel this way, or is it me?

Nancy,
Don't feel alone.
Nancy,

Don't feel alone. Stress can make everything get on your very last nerve. You are not in any kind of normal situation and it would be unusual if you didn't 'lose it' once in awhile. That being said, there is no shame in using the tools the doctors have in their arsenal to help us cope during the most difficult times. You're already working out and have a support network, so if you need some further help, don't be afraid to take it. Just my opinion, and I have always been REALLY uncomfortable taking meds. I've just learned that some things can't just be 'toughed out'.

Best of luck.

Chickadee

You're OK
You are expecting to feel normal in abnormal circumstances. Don't be too hard on yourself. I reacted just like you. My BC was found during a mammogram in October, 2010. I did not have surgery until 1/21/11. I worked until 1/18. I used to have bad days and good days. There were times when I couldn't talk at all. There were days when I was so depressed I could hardly put one foot in front of the other. My PCP prescribed citalopram. I had previously had bouts were my blood pressure a little high, but after my diagnosis it would spike. The citalopram chilled me out. I think you are angry, afraid, sad, apprehensive and in grief all at one time. How you react depends on the hour of the day. Your fuse is probably really short right now because you are still trying to be there for others and all you want to do, all you probably have the capacity to do, is try to handle what is going on with you. I know that's how I felt. I just needed to be able to do me--nothing else, just me. My thoughts never stopped. You are in one of the biggest fights of your life. Everyone handles it differently. I learned that I was stronger than I ever thought that I was. You can do this. Blessings.

Anger and Cancer
It is actuallly healthy to be able to admit to anger. It is much better than stuffing the feeling and ignoring the actuallity of the disease you are fighting. Formerly I was of the group who did not like the idea of taking anytype of drugs related to mental health. I think this comes from a long line of alcoholism in my family and the fear of addiction. It also tends to stem from the negative stereotypes of those who have mental health problems.

I now am in the other camp and joined that camp about 5 years prior to my bc diagnosis. Not all brains are created equal. There are genes that influence the way one's brain is constructed. Some people have a lack of neurotransmitters in thier brain through no fault of their own. In people speak it means that instead of your brain running like a V8 engine (full power and juiced up)your brain is firing on a few less cylanders (working but not well). It cuts down your horse power and performance. You still operate as a car but not so efficiently. When you take a psychotropic medication to assist you it will go into the brain and either assist the brain to make new connections to pick up a certain brain chemical (if you are low in that) or it will make some of the connections feel already full of the certain brain chemical (if you are getting too much of it). It is like taking your car in for a tune up and making sure all the spark plugs are firing in the cylanders and the carberator has the proper mix of air and gasoline in order to maximize performance.

Now throw in cancer that comes along and upsets the apple cart. It is like adding water or sand or some other substance to you gas tank. Now some may be able to run still and find a way to clean the substance out of the gas tank and do just fine. It all depends on the substance thrown into the tank and the amount.

The crux of the matter is this. If you need Xanax to get through the toughest battle of your life, then go ahead and use that. Sure you may be concerned about addiction. However, your onocologist or other doctor can assist you in weaning down off a medication if you indeed get addicted. Some of us have a brain chemistry that is such that we actually need that medication or the cancer has changed our bodies enough that addiction may no longer be an issue. Why be battling this disease with anything less than a full arsenal. Pray about your issue and decide for yourself, as you will know what is best for you in the long run.

BioAdoptMom3 said:

Thank you all so much for
Thank you all so much for your empathy and for helping me to feel not so alone in this emotional as well as physical journey! I haven't been here very long (about a week actually) but already can tell this is a very supportive and caring community. I appreciate that!

Nancy

Yes, it's normal. There is
Yes, it's normal. There is so many feeling that will come and go as you continue your journey. Most of us have family and friends who support us, and yet it's not always enough. Thats why were here and don't rule out asking your doctors for help.
Kathy ~

disneyfan2008 said:

only real anger - had
Was coworkers and supervisor when I really needed compassioon and kindness, I was told I could not leave to get radiation-they could not justify paying someone to cover me! It still hurts but must see them daily! So I couldn't react other then rebuttal letter toi be but in my file.

I get upset alot
Seems I get upset alot now too but I try my best to work it out.I never get downright mad.Getting to old for that.I am more patient than alot of people.I do worry like all of you about the bc.Most of us are within the 4 year survival.Some much longer but may be going through a relapse.If I was like a friend of mine and being a 16 year survuvor I would feel so much more comfortable and not upset and worried.

I keep alot to myself.I never tell anyone I feel worried and depressed.To see me no one would ever think I am bothered about my diagnosis.I am finally past the crying stage when I tell someone.

I am trying to keep to myself about things now.I feel it is no ones business about my life or my cancer.I am looking at things that way.

Just went through lots of testing and some other medical issues and got cranky over that recently.That is finally winding down after 4 months.It was the unknown for a time that got to me. Just getting more whammies after the bc diagnosis was a bit more to take/digest.

Thinking of taking something to get that relaxed feeling.I remember how it felt years ago taking those meds but I got dependent.Then went off cold turkey and my heart raced/had jerking too.I know now to wean myself.

Lynn Smith

disneyfan2008 said:

only real anger - had
Was coworkers and supervisor when I really needed compassioon and kindness, I was told I could not leave to get radiation-they could not justify paying someone to cover me! It still hurts but must see them daily! So I couldn't react other then rebuttal letter toi be but in my file.

I wonder
I wonder if this is a failure to accomodate a disability and therefore your abscence for treatment would be a protected right under the law?

Thanks to the rest of you
Thanks to the rest of you too! Thanks for empathizing and making me feel like my emotional responses to this disease are "normal" and common.

Nancy