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One year ago Friday, Mar. 25th

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Hi,
Many of you know me and maybe some of you don't. Well tomorrow is the 1 year anniversary of losing my husband, Tom. It was actually on a thursday nite, so today I'm having a horrible day. Can't stop remembering how we sat and watched TV together that night and he even at some yogurt about 8:00. He didn't seem any different than any other night and I never dreamed I only had a few more hours with him. He went upstairs to brush his teeth and get ready for another night in his chair where he had been sleeping. Because of his radiation his voice was hoarse so he couldn't holler out and pounded on the floor with his foot. I went running up the stairs to find him choking and hemmorraging leaning on the bathroom vanity. I just screamed and went to call 911. Also called my daughter who called our 2 sons. When I went back into the bathroom, Tom was reaching out for me and starting to collapse. I grabbed him and laid him gently on the floor. There was so much blood, that I didn't know what to do and stood there holding him & crying. I loved him so, so much and I didn't think this would be our last day together. Soon the EMT'g got there and I ran out screaming for them to please hurry. I was hysterical by this time and soon my daughter got here. They had carried him into the living room by this time and were working on him trying to revive him. Although they worked on him and gave him some kind of drug to get his heart beating again, it was too late. Soon my 2 boys got there and cried "no, no, it can't be happening". They worked on him for over 1/2 hour and then came to me and said " your husbands gone". Everyone always says they go to a better place but the only place he should be is in my arms.
We were married for 46 years and he was the love of my life. He was the best husband, father & papa that anyone could want.
I hope that after tomorrow I will be strong again cause I feel today like I did one year ago and it hurts so bad and tears are running down my face and I just want to hold him in my arms one more time. Will I ever see him again?? God only knows, but I hope one day that we will be together again.
Sorry if I rambled on, but had to get my feelings out. Thank you to all of you who have been such a support to me this past year. So many of you have lost your husbands, wives or other loved ones so you know the pain I feel today. Thanks for being here for me!
I'll be okay, Carole

ellamenno's picture
ellamenno
Posts: 142
Joined: Aug 2010

been dreading the anniversary of Tom's death for several months now. My heart broke for you when you originally shared the events surrounding his death...my heart still breaks for you now. I know you have lived that night over a million times in your mind and he dies every time...but Carole, Tom died once on that night a year ago. You, Carole, die a little bit each time you remember and for this I am so sorry. Your Tom is at peace. I hope you realize that after all this time it's okay to allow yourself some peace and rest from the trauma you keep experiencing. No one would wish any less for you.

Please be gentle with yourself. Although I did not know the man who obviously loved you, I have to believe he would not want you to keep holding onto the pain.

Peace be with you, Laurie

neverquit
Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2010

Carole, I thought about you a lot today because I knew it was one year ago that Tom passed away. I continue to pray for you that you continue to heal. Try to remember the good times and try not to think about the rest. I know that is harder said than done as I am trying to do just that with the loss of my husband Mike. I know in my heart of hearts that Tom would not want you to be in such pain. God is holding Tom close, so may you have peace of mind. Please take care.

mrsbotch
Posts: 377
Joined: Oct 2010

Mana
My Vince has only been gone less than 5 weeks. I know how hard all of this is. My heart aches for all of us. Vince was everything to me so I know how you feel. Not a moment goes by without thinking of him. We were married 27 years. i know we have written to each other before but I share so in your pain. I just finished reading a book called 90 minutes in heaven and it seems to have helped me a bit. I know our husbands are no longer in pain but there absence from our lives is very real. Unless it happens to you no one really understands the great loss.

I do know one thing the little things in life mean nothing anymore. The complaining , griping, not wanting to wait in line have no significance at all. Living a good decent caring life is all that matters.

God Bless you

Barbara

debbieg5's picture
debbieg5
Posts: 168
Joined: Nov 2010

Carole,
The day has come and gone and I know you must be relieved to get that "anniversary" behind you. But I know it doesn't put an end to those memories. It is amazing how similar our stories are. I still fight those bloody memories every time I walk into our bathroom. Sometimes I have to actually say something out loud or make a physical motion to push them out of my mind. Not that we wanted our husbands to die, but I so envy those that had the quiet, gentle fading away with time to say their goodbyes. You and I stood there screaming and crying as we watched our husbands bleed to death. I have been told that we have to work hard to replace those memories with good ones. I guess that will be something that happens gradually over time. Here's to a good "second year" for you and your family. Stay strong!
Love, dEbbie

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Hi Debbie,
Well I made it through the weekend. Actually on sunday I decided to read the cards from the funeral which I hadn't been able to do. Got through 1/2 of them with alot of tears after reading all the messages on them. Finished the rest on monday so I feel like that's one more thing I can check off the list.
I forgot now what happened to your husband? I guess it's something that one day will fade into our memory, but it's still so fresh. I'm sure both of our husbands knew what was happening but they also knew we did all we could. I try to remember all the happy times we had together, but then get mad cause I wanted many more years. We were supposed to be able to enjoy his retirement together.
I've been exchanging private messages with Glenna, so we could do that too if you want. Then we don't have to put everything on here. Plus we talk about other stuff to get our minds off cancer. Take care Debbie. Hope to hear from you!!! Luv, Carole

debbieg5's picture
debbieg5
Posts: 168
Joined: Nov 2010

Carole....sent you a PM.
debbie

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1561
Joined: Nov 2009

Hello Carole
Thanks for posting. Glad you survived and made it through the first year anniversary of your husband's passing! I knew you would, we did too. March 9th. The 90 mins in heaven is a great book, a must read. There is also another one by a young boy...I think it is called Heaven is for real. Both make you feel good about death and where you go. Keep up the good work. Keep in touch. Come on over to the chat room too!
Tina in Va

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