Mar 17, 2011 - 9:27 pm
Just had a really bad day today. Don't really know how to explain it, but I haven't been able to smile at all today. I hate this feeling. I opened up and told him how scared I really am and I'm starting to think I should have just kept it to myself. I know he's not feeling good, but I feel terrible, not healthwise, just emotionally. I've tried to show on the outside that I'm strong and I don't like this feeling I'm having. Even when things were scaring me or getting to me I tried to keep it to myself. I think I've learned today that I just need to keep doing that. I know he cares, but I don't like the idea of making people worry or stress out and I think that's what I've done. It's great he's being supportive, but I have to be careful on what I think he can handle. That goes for the rest of my friends too. I like having all the support and I had the emotional support the last time, but it is me that has to do this. I can't show people that I'm hurting, they don't know how to take it. It's not the me they are used to.
I guess it would help to explain...first off I've been hiding just how scared I am about the abnormalities they have found in the lymph nodes in the right side of my neck. I've said it a couple times that I'm scared, but basically have just kept it to myself. Was talking to someone about it last night and they said I needed to talk to my boyfriend about it so he could be there and understand what I'm dealing with. So I decided to tell him today. It really wasn't the best time to talk to him since he was at work plus he wasn't feeling good. But I felt I needed to tell him. All he said was I just needed to take it a day at a time. He is right, but I guess I was expecting more. To top it off, before I talked to him, my surgeon's office had called him (my boyfriend) saying they needed to reschedule my surgery so he told me I needed to call them. I did and we rescheduled it from Wednesday to the following Monday, the 28th. Then they called back a little bit later and freaked me out. I had gone for pre-op testing yesterday and was told everything was fine and that my EKG looked good. But when the surgeon's office called they tried telling me there was an abnormality with the EKG and I needed medical clearance from my PCP for the surgery. I freaked so the first thing I did was call my boyfriend and let him know. He was just as shocked, but being an EMT he was busy with a patient so he couldn't say anything. After getting myself all worked up I finally decided to call the hospital and find out what was really going on. They took my name and number and said they'd call me back. They found the lady that took care of me yesterday and she called me back immediately. She heard how upset I was and did her best to calm me down. She said it wasn't the EKG at all, that was fine. All it was was they wanted the medical clearance because of my past medical history (mainly the fact that I have Congestive Heart Failure), but my heart looks great. At that point my day was shot, I'm usually one that can smile all day and through anything, but I've felt terrible all day. Actually on the verge of tears. I don't like this feeling. I also don't like the feeling that I've upset anyone, especially my boyfriend and my daughter. I think I just need to go back to keeping it all inside and appear to be the overly happy person I have been.