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Feel Alone........

caseyj
Posts: 29
Joined: Nov 2010

I seem to not handle things that weel the last couple days that been really hard on me I just want to lay around and cry. I have all these feelings inside I think sometimes that maybe its just me. I have a hard time talking and I keep it inside. I go to church and tell people what they want to hear that everything great. They haven't found no cancer so I should be great I am grateful for that but why do I feel so bad still going through test and have Pet scan in April. I am angry and I don't want to admit that I am angry that I have cancer and any day without any warning it could come back get worse anything and just don't know what to do. I am angry at God and I don't want to admit that my preacher told me it was ok to be angry at God. I'm angry my life got turn upside down since I was told that I had cancer. My job and everything changed since I had surgery and had the cancer. I don't want to have teh cancer no more and I have not had to go through what half of you had to go through. I just feel so angry iniside. I was journaling I know I need to get back to that. I just feel so alone and I keep the feelings inside I know I shouldn't. thanks for listening

Casey

Actsassy's picture
Actsassy
Posts: 37
Joined: Nov 2010

Boy, do I have those feelings too! I have been dx almost 2 yrs now. I am Stage IV with colon/liver. My liver is inoperable. Feel they can "control" it with chemo. I was doing good emotionally when i first dx. Off of everything in Dec. 2009. Recurrence in fall of 2010. That's when it hit me really hard. Other things have also during that time that added stress to my life. Angry? You betcha! Mad? Right there with you! Scared? Every single day! Having my life turned upside? Are u kidding me! And not wanting cancer and not want to do this? Hahaha, YOU ARE NOT ALONE AT ALL!!!!!
I feel those same exact things every single day! So u are not alone! Yes, it is okay to be angry. We didn't ask for any of this. But it did and no matter what we have to fight the fight. At least that's how i feel about it. Do I want to be doing this, HELL NO! I'd rather not have that fear in my head all the time.
I will tell u this though, u do need to be able to talk about it. Lying to your friends/family, etc. is not helping you. You are still very much dealing with the upheaval that this disease has caused and it's traumatic. Please talk to your family/friends and if u feel uncomfortable with that, see a counselor.
I am seeing a counselor myself since November and trying to get my mental health back on track also. The mental is just as important as the physical. I don't like being in this fight either but it is what it is. I need to learn how to deal with it and still enjoy my life.
I don't know if i helped at all with my babbling here. Just know that everythng you are feeling is normal and you are still sorting things out. But please find someone to talk to and be truthful to your friends/family. I know keeping it bottled up inside is not healthy either. Talking to them can help you too.
My prays are with you on this very emotional journey. YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THESE FEELINGS!
Hugs,
Angie

newyear
Posts: 1
Joined: Jan 2011

i can relate

Noellesmom
Posts: 1293
Joined: Aug 2010

Anger is a good and natural response to having our lives turned upside down. Who wouldn't be angry? You'll see posts all over this site about anger and cancer. To a certain extent, all of us, patients and caregivers, are angry at cancer and its effects on our bodies and our lives.

Anger at God - well, I happen to be one of those people who believes very much in God and His love, but I also acknowledge He made us creatures of free will. He knows the time we will be born and He knows the time we will die but does not set either of these in motion, nor does He intervene. Your cancer is not of God's doing, Casey. He wants only good things for His children. You may have never done a thing to cause the cancer but we live on a planet that has been damaged for centuries by chemicals and processes that are unnatural and it is bound to have an effect on all living things, including humans. Your cancer could be the result of many things, some or none of them preventable. Who really knows? Scientists can only speculate and try to draw reasonable conclusions. I do know, however, cancer is not of God and it is not His doing.

I also know God is big enough to handle your anger so you just go right ahead and be angry. He understands.

You are not alone in your feelings nor should you try to keep them inside. Many areas have cancer support groups if you have the need to discuss your feelings with others who may be going through a similar experience. You have this website. Please go back to journaling: you can follow yourself through an amazing journey.

I think sometimes not knowing something is worse than knowing: for you, the uncertainty has put you in the position of not being able to take action against the cancer. You can't very well start a fight until the battle lines are drawn, can you? That is so frustrating.

Come back to us often and let us know how are you doing.

Hugs.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

Casey, as others have said, you are not alone. Journaling sounds like a good idea. Also, don't be afraid to tell those the truth. My guess is that you would find a lot of support there. Ask for their prayers. I once had a pastor tell me that being mad at God was a sign of faith. You can't get mad at something you don't believe in. You're right, your life has changed. You have a right to grieve the life you had before cancer. Have you looked into counseling? It might help. Take care. We are here. Hugs, Fay

ericamyers31's picture
ericamyers31
Posts: 11
Joined: Mar 2011

Casey,

I feel the exact emotions you are feeling. My mom who was a nurse and has been a care giver for over 30 years, was just diagnosed with Primary Sclerosing Cholangitis (PSC)which is where is a chronic (lasting years and decades), progressive (worsening over time) disease of the bile ducts that channel bile from the liver into the intestines. They said my mom has had this for at-least 15- years and we never knew it. well she had internal stints put in her in November 2010, worked good but in February 2011 the Dr wanted to take them out cause he said her Bile Duct would stay open on its own.. Needless to say 2/26/2011 my mom was rushed back to University Of Maryland Hospital the duct did not stay open and the poison was filling up in her lungs, she had double pneumonia, and they had to do emergency surgery to get the poison out, we live over 2- hours away so when we got there they done had her in surgery. she woke up in ICU she was tubed & vented, could not speak had to write and had these bags hanging off her sided which was draining her liver(black stuff still comes out of these bags to this day) well they did 7-Biopsy a week latter we are told 6-come back no cancer, well another week goes by we hear nothing and just yesterday we got the call... She has Bile Duct Cancer & its in the lower part of her liver.. We don't know the stage yet.. But I as her daughter fell so much of what you are feeling, I want to save my mom but there ant nothing i can do to fix her.. I have NEVER EVER felt so helpless in my life..My Mom & I are Best Friends I live right next to her in my own home..I just cant stop crying, my mind wont process nothing else but the fact that my Mom is very sick. I will take any suggestions.. I also want you to know you are not alone,I know it feels so lonely and I too don't know who to talk to this about.. I don't want to upset my mom, But i cant quiet crying, and have overwhelming fear of losing her, feeling lost, and feeling hatred for Cancer.... You will be in my prayers. and Please everyone Pray for my mom.. I do believe in the Power of Prayer!!!!

Lynn Smith
Posts: 1265
Joined: Mar 2011

I pray almost every night before going to bed.I don't blame God.It is in my genes/family history.Had benign breast tumors since I was 20 and diagnosed with BC when I was 62. I've had alot of other serious illnesses and surgeries and before going into them I PRAYED.Please get me through this.Always complications but I MADE it.

I cry alot.My husband was never supporting through things when I was sick. I had to be the strong one and keep going.Even if a bout with the flu I would get up and clean clean clean and take care of kids.Never restful times for me.BUT I made it.I fought and GOD got me through it. Now after almost 2 years of being diagnosed and many years of marriage my husband changed. He had to. He now tells me everyday he loves me sometimes whenever he looks at me.It has been very very good and we ask each other"Why couldn't it have been like this before". I know if my cancer was to come back I have reason to be very very sad but now I HAVE to be happy.Not to say I don't still have my days of crying but I must have happy times sometime in between.I can't have major sadness now.It tears you down.My doctors tell me this all the time.

Your feelings are to be expected.I can understand.We all have different ways to show our sadness.Like I said I "cry".BUT I keep it to myself.Never let my husband know.I am sure he would say"What are you crying for?" He doesnt understand.He has never been diagnosed with a life threatening disease.

Keep praying.I do.I let it go for a short time and started back up.It gets me through the day and many more years of my life have been spared.Starting when I was 27 and now I am 64."I BELIEVE"

Lynn Smith

bluerose's picture
bluerose
Posts: 1089
Joined: Jul 2009

The cure for maybe 'it's just me' is that IT ISN'T. There you go, one of your problems solvoed, lol. Most if not all of us have all those feelings you are having, some to a lesser degree some to a greater degree. Your feelings are all perfectly normal for your situation BUT you do need to take care of that feeling or it can get dabilitating. Many of us have found good counsellors (ones that deal with cancer issues or grief counellors) can help with getting us through stages of grief we might be stuck in like anger or 'why me' or the other stages we all must go through when struck with a trauma like cancer. It is a trauma to be diagnosed with cancer.

I know what you are talking about when you say you put on that happy face for others and to some extent it's the right thing to do in that not everyone wants the REAL STORY and even if you gave it to them they wouldn't get it. But we do. You are here on this site for a reason and that is to validate your feelings and we can do that for you but again you need to maybe take extra steps too to safeguard your sanity in all of this. I go and check in with my counsellor when I need to as many do. You get checkups for your physical issues don't you, why not checkups for emotional ones too? Nothing wrong with that.

Lots of us are uncomfortable with our anger stages. I was in total denial for the longest time and when I realized that it was anger for awhile I could then deal with it and diminish that part of it all. You have to recognize the issue first and then have help dealing with it and getting rid of it so you can move on.

I wish you all the best, and remember. IT ISN'T JUST YOU. Keep chatting on this board or in the chatroom or both and try to find a good counsellor you can confide in and work through some of these issues with for your own sake.

Let us know how you are doing.

Blessings,

Bluerose

Kent Cass's picture
Kent Cass
Posts: 1746
Joined: Nov 2009

Sorry to hear of your C, and how hard this is being on you. Know it's tough, but it is as it is. Hope you'll be able to find some peace in your battle.

I'm not a Bible-thumper, Casey, but I do believe in God and Jesus, and that they've helped me greatly in my battle with C. Two years ago I was going thru some of the harshest of C treatments for H&N. My treatment lasted 8 weeks. I was started on Morphine at the beginning of week #2, was too sick to get my rads in week #5, and spent four nights in the hospital in week #6. My mouth was a trainwreck, and got all my food thru the feeding tube hooked into my gut. That was two years ago. And, albeit with the help of the meds, I was able to take it all in stride. When my biopsy came back as Positive is when I found my peace. I was able to accept it, then and there. I didn't look back, and I didn't look to blame anyone. I kept my eyes on the now, and the future, and was able to keep my mindset in the Positive. "I'm gonna win this battle with Cancer, and the best way to do that is to stay Positive." Believe you can win the battle, Casey, no matter what the Drs. tell you. And try to find some enjoyment in every day. Even in my worst of times, I kept it all in the Positive, moving forward. Could be that's what your body needs to help it fight the best fight possible, Casey, as it virtually eliminates stress.

And, please don't take this contrary to how I intend this to be taken, you might try asking God and Jesus for their help in getting thru this trying time, rather than to blame them. God didn't give you the C. He let you get it, obviously, but He also let the recent Earthquake and tsunami in Japan happen, and the Third Reich do what it did in World War II, etc., etc. He lets us exercise our free will, and pretty much lets nature take it's course with most everybody, which means you and I came down with Cancer. Between Jesus and the meds, along with the efforts of my rad and Oncology team, I got all the help I needed to beat my C, as I hope and Pray you will, also.

Believe

kcass

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1560
Joined: Nov 2009

Hello Kent
Thank you so much for posting your positive reply. I also love your profile pic with the cross! Keep up with your positive attitude....it is one of the most important things to have while "beating" cancer!
Tina in Va

JillWest
Posts: 3
Joined: Mar 2011

Casey, My husband passed away just over a year ago from pancreatic cancer. He was so quiet and never expressed his fears. I am proud to see that other people can open up and accept support from others. I now find out he discussed his fears to my 2 boys who are 23 and 20. He made my boys promise to take care of me. My oldest son feels so committed to "taking care of me" . He graduated from college 2 days ago and has moved home to make sure I am ok. I do not want him to give up his live to fill the loss I feel from losing their dad. Times have changed and I need to get my act together so my boys feel like they can continue on with their lives without worrying about me. The only way I know how to do that is to go away....I am so angry with my husband for getting sick, even though he did not cause his cancer but he ruined our family of life of 26 years. My family is my world and I am so lost not being able to provide my children with the life they have been accustomed to. I am proud to know some one can communicate their fears and look for help even if they are strangers. Hand in there and make the most out of each day. I have a saying in my kitchen that states TODAY MATTERS!!! I am not so sure I feel that way anymore. I hope you are doing well. Cancer sucks. I am throwing all my support to Relay for Life hoping it makes an enormous change in just one persons life, that life is worth fighting for!!!

Noellesmom
Posts: 1293
Joined: Aug 2010

Cancer sucks. It sucks the life out of everyone it touches.

Time to take life back, Jill.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

I wrote a long rant in your other post, so I'll try to keep this short. My husband made our sons promise to take care of me, too. They are in the sense that I know that I can call them for support anytime. Maybe your son needs you right now as much as you need him. Maybe more. Let him find his own way. He will in time. Right now family time may be what you both need. Fay

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