Feb 25, 2011 - 1:48 am
Four months ago, my dad got sick. He quit smoking suddenly and ended up in the hospital for a week because his heart almost failed. It turns out he had an aortic aneurysm. They did an incredibly dangerous surgery, and he spent another week in the hospital. He was so sick. I was only able to go home for 3 days, because I had school. So I went home for the surgery and then just left while he was lying in a hospital bed. Four months later and he is still not back to his old self. He slurs his words and has trouble with his balance and is so unhappy because he's not very good at being sick.
A month after that, my grandfather had knee surgery. He got an infection, and since then has had 3 more surgeries. After his last surgery, he developed a pneumonia and got very sick. He lives far away, and I haven't been able to see him in almost a year. He feels sad and miserable and he has another 2-3 surgeries ahead of him.
One month ago, my grandmother was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. They caught it early, which is good, but she is weak from Alzheimer Disease, which is obviously very bad. She starts chemo on Tuesday. I haven't been able to see her more than once in the past 3 years, because I've been in college and I could never afford it.
Three weeks ago, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had surgery last week and they found that the cancer had spread further than they originally thought. She'll start chemo in a month, after she's healed from the surgery.
I'm 21 and I just graduated college with an acting degree two months ago. I live very far away from my family, and I can't afford to take of work and go visit them very often. I work at a high stress job that requires me to constantly be friendly and patient. One of my bosses, who has been a good friend of mine for years, is sick and the doctors don't know what's wrong with her. She's a very strong person and is doing her best to work through it, but everyone is taking on extra responsibilities to try and help her. I make enough money to live on, but it's incredibly tight and it's a constant worry. I'm also trying to start an acting career, which has no set plan. I feel like I'm doing well with it, but there are so many other things going on in my life that I don't have the energy to focus on it.
It feels like I am always sad or angry or tired. People at work complain about the stupidest things or my roommate freaks out because I didn't take the trash out and I just want to scream at them that I've spent the last four months of my life just praying that the people I love don't die. I never want to go out or see my friends anymore, because it takes so much energy to be fun and social, and I just don't have it. I feel like such a burden that I'm always upset when I talk to them. I know that they have their own problems to deal with, but I'm being selfish and focusing on myself.
Everyone keeps asking me what I'm doing now that I've graduated, but I'm working a full time job straight out of school and I'm paying my own bills and my family is sick and I feel like I am doing something, but I can't tell them that. I just keep saying that I'm working and I'm fine. And my friends keep saying that it's going to be okay, but it doesn't help because when they say that I just feel like it means that I can't be upset because everything will be fine so why waste the energy. And I don't think I am okay. All I keep thinking about is how I don't know what I'm supposed to do next, and I'm only 21, and I'm all alone in New York and away from my family and they're sick and I'm not there and I'm failing everyone. I just always feel like I'm failing everyone.
And even now, I know that my life is so good and uncomplicated compared to some people's and it's not fair of me to feel so upset when they have so many worse things going on. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.
I don't need anything. I'm fine. I just needed to say it.