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spouse or significent other

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5261
Joined: Oct 2010

I just typed and lost -so i'll try again

How do most of your spouses etc act in regards to BC...

MINE likes to stick head in sand-recent comment well YOU're ok since caught early! (like I am good to go for life)

He has gone to surgeon appts/hospital etc. But he never really asks or inquires about tests results etc...maybe it's fear, I THINK DENIAL!

Just curious how others react...

married 25 yrs..good guy-just ......looks the other way sorta of speaking..

make sense to anyone?

Denise W.

VickiSam's picture
VickiSam
Posts: 8220
Joined: Aug 2009

doom' lurking behind us as we attempt to life. Our significant other (husband, like yours), seem doesn't care to hear (his take - if it happens, we will deal with it, when it happens - lets not dwell on it today, or tomorrow) .. the term 'recurrence' and what havoc it can rain on our lives, yet again. I call it, Self Preservation, for them.

It's difficult for us WARRIORS- Sisters in PINK, Kindred Spirits and Newbie facing the multi-facets of emotions breast cancer brings to our lives.

I find it refreshing as well, as grounding that my husband rational one in our partnership right now - as my world, life and being has been about my breast cancer journey for the past 18 months. So, hence my reason for coming here to ACS - Breast Cancer Support site. Day after day ...

Peace, Strength and Courage.

Vicki Sam

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5261
Joined: Oct 2010

I do not worry about getting it again or dwell and dont' complain...I just am very hurt her never asked me results...even after I yelled and sobbed/ cried..still never really asked...

MORE he forgot -lack of actions per say...! hurt me very bad...few things I can't get over that being one and my job called me in 3 days into radiation said YOU can't leave for them...as of tomorrow take sick days! May be simple to some but in my heart deep down! I don't let work know (they dont' care anyhow)

NOT much I can' get over...

Thanks for your imput!

Denise W

joannstar
Posts: 346
Joined: Nov 2010

My husband (of just over 1 year) is "stoically supportive". He asks me how I feel and waits with me on pins and needles for test results. He has taken me to any appointments I've asked him to. He doesn't "pry" too deep know it will send me off the deep end as I seem to be able to cry from just a look.
Men react differently than women (although my hubby is more emotional than most). I think that it scares them if they can't "fix it". I don't think it is denial, it is fear mixed with helplessness. Last night as I was saying, "well, I guess it is in God's hands" (referring to my upcoming blood test), he said, "NO! I expect you to fight with every cell in your being to beat this thing!"
Hugs,
JoAnn

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5261
Joined: Oct 2010

My hubby is good guy-yes we all think differntly-! Perhaps your are right-he can't fix this problem!

Just to compare him not asking me about urgent appt biopsy & supervisior calling me in being every so heartless on same list...is bad...!

Thanks for imput...

Denise W

ElizabethB's picture
ElizabethB
Posts: 89
Joined: Feb 2011

My husband is my rock. he is attached to my hip threw this whole thing. He so enjoys taking care of me he tells me several times a day how much he loves me and how beautiful I am. He keeps me motivated and holds me when I final break down into tears. And he tells me don't worry honey it will all be ok I will be your rock lean on me.He says I wish I could take your pain so you can have a easy day. And you know what!! I usually feel a little better. He is my big Rock and my soft teddy bear......now we are not young by no means i am 61 and my husband is 63 we will be celebrating our 5 anniversary in May. Family so helps and we are all family if you need a cyber hug or just want to chat I am all ears please feel free to chat with me'

Angie2U's picture
Angie2U
Posts: 2993
Joined: Sep 2009

My husband has also been my rock thru this. I don't know what I would have done without his love and support. He has gone with me to every appt, been with me for surgery and took me to my rads appointments.

He is always reassuring me that I am healthy now and that we will grow old together!

Sending you a hug,

Angie

Findingout
Posts: 132
Joined: Dec 2010

OK, Elizabeth, how did you find this guy????

CR1954's picture
CR1954
Posts: 1392
Joined: Jul 2008

Yes, they say that men are "fixers." Things that they can't fix, they seem to rarely bring up. I guess they must just feel kind of helpless in that case.

My husband has always been great about getting me to appts., treatments, etc.

When I was finished with rads though, he needed triple bypass. Then developed a blood clot and spent another 3 weeks in the hospital. (an hour drive each way for me)

This past December, he had a heart attack, from which he is, thankfully, recovering well. Back to work now, even.

We pretty much have become a real team now, in that he helps me/goes with me oftentimes, for my medical issues. And I go with him. I guess we have come to rely on each other because we have both endured serious illnesses. We have an appreciation for what we are both going through.

I have to wonder if he hadn't become ill, would he still be as understanding and helpful?? Not sure, because he has always been one of those "fixers."

Having said that, we are both very weary of medical tests and doctors being our "social life"...lol!

I'm pretty sure, even never having met your husband, that he cares very deeply, and yes, maybe it's fear that he feels with each test or treatment.

Hugs,
CR

fauxma's picture
fauxma
Posts: 3532
Joined: Dec 2008

My husband has been very supportive and he is always willing to listen if I need to talk. He asks all the time how am I, is everything okay etc. He always rubs my head and pats it. Kind of like you pat the dog's head. LOL He went to every appointment except the radiation ones (I insisted that he not take every day off work to go to an appointment that lasted only a few minutes for the actual treatment). He still goes to every apppointment, even my regular check ups. And I go to all of his. I am not a worrier, except about him while he worries about both of us, the kids, the grandkids, money, our friends, the family, well just about everything. Maybe not worry but concern. No, it's worry. Funny, though, in spite of his worrying he is very upbeat.
I think that just like we all handle this in our own unique ways so do our near and dears. For some the ostrich approach works, other's must know all the details, still other's follow our leads in how they deal. I think the important thing is that they are with us whether they talk about it or not, whether they go to every appointment or none, whether they hover over us or go out to the garage to work on something, they are here. And some do find talking about it difficult, it makes it just too real for them. I look at it this way. We are the most important thing in their lives and for some verbalizing their fear of loss is just too hard to bear. For others talking gets the fear out.
Think about how scary just the word cancer is. What was your first thought when you first heard the word, whether it was your diagnosis or maybe someone else's? That was probably how our loved ones felt too. And it may be harder for them on a certain level because they don't have the control, they aren't bearing the pain, losing the hair, etc. they are just having to sit by and watch and be unable to do anything to rid us of the beast. How helpless they must feel and for men feeling helpless can really do a number on them? Men are conditioned to protect, provide and take care of us. Old fashioned, outdated, but true. Don't know where this is going, just wanted to say that they are all different but they love us and that is the most important thing.
Stef

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5261
Joined: Oct 2010

Thanks for your imput...brought tears to my eyes in good way..therapist told me since I am always UP beat and say I am NOT worry..he just takes MY lead...IF I am not worried why should he!?????

Thanks again

Denise W

almost 2 yrs after my treatment was done my now adult daughter said to me-why did you go to your daily treatments alone? ONE of us should have gone! I never even thought of them going, expected them to! But nice in hindsight she inquired. (I worked full time and did it on my lunch hour-so raced there and back for 8 wks)

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5261
Joined: Oct 2010

He is loving hubby...honest, considerate etc...great with grown kids and grandchildren (all living with us) but he is denil person with many unpleasant things-I just think this is how he deals.

my therapist thinks since I say I am not a worrier about any tests-since I am not worried he is not. But even though I do not worry I still want to KNOW the results good or bad!

I am not complainer..but one day I did about something (medical) he said try to be more positive...I bit his head off...

When this all started & called back for mammo the next day..I said OH no biggie-then sent for biopsy I said NO biggie- then went to surgeon etc. so I only complain or vent...on occassion about medical (ON top of ulcertive colotis & menopause all at the same time)

so to say be MORE POSITIVE didn't cut it..

Thanks for letting me vent...
Denise W

CR1954's picture
CR1954
Posts: 1392
Joined: Jul 2008

Always glad to let you vent. That's one reason why we're here.

Yep, I'm guessing that because you have been the stoic, non-complaining warrior, that he maybe doesn't think it's all that big a deal. I don't know...

I will tell you that I have had my total meltdowns and my husband has witnessed them. I think I have scared him on occasion. He KNOWS that I am a worrier, have ALWAYS been a worrier and I will continue to be a worrier.

You have a lot of health issues going on all at once and you deserve a great big hug. So, sending one across the miles to you.

CR

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5261
Joined: Oct 2010

Thanks for your words...

about year ago my oldest said to me...well mom about 2 yrs ago you were a bit over the edge...crazy! (just one of her love you mom comments) anyhow I didn't want to start a battle (YOU know choose your battles) so I JUST LET IT..go..

but the time she was speaking about...I had colotis flare up worst (on steriods) even in my 16 yrs of having it...BC-surgery, radiation and work hassles (ref: time OFF)

I so wanted to say...I was going through much crap...but I KNEW in my head all and didnt' have to justify to her...

so anyhow thanks for hugs and your thoughts..

you are right I am tough...handle everything...help everyone...! I try to keep my meltdowns in my car when I am alone...!!!!

I did say to my hubby you have no idea who some women / wives are like (i know we all handle differntly) when going through illness etc.. so being super strong not always good...at times.,,,hehe lol thanks again

chenheart's picture
chenheart
Posts: 5182
Joined: Apr 2003

I have one of those right there with me nurturing kind of guys. I had only been dating Reggie about a year when I was 1st diagnosed; as we had no history, I figured he could have (rightfully) decided he had not signed up for that, and back away. He didn't! The thing that touched my brother the most was, the night before my surgery, Reggie bought me a little diamond ring and told me it meant he was with me for "the long haul." He went to every Drs appt, shaved my head, cooked, cleaned, went to all of my chemo and radiations.We also became involved as a couple at the Relay For Life events, or the Revlon Walk For Women's Cancer, and just yesterday we also registered to do a 10 MILE ( give me strength!) walk for Breast Cancer. I had the great honor of respresenting CSN in Washington DC in 2006, and Reggie was with me for that too.

And yet; I will bet you money he has no idea what stage I am, how large my lump was, how many nodes I had removed, etc etc etc. He has never posted here on CSN, nor gone to any support groups for himself. He will, however, wear pink golf shirts and otherwise show his support for me publically.

Fast forward 8 years...as you all know, I just had surgery last week, and I see my surgeon tomorrow morning and the oncologist Thursday. Reggie cancelled all of his days to be with me. Which is a big deal ( to me) as he is part of a Men's Golf Club, and they have tournament play this Thursday. He is giving that up for me!!!! At the end of the day, though BC does not define who I am or who we are, I really don't care that he doesn't know my pathology and can't do "cancer-speak." I do know he takes care of me, loves me like crazy, and yeah...he's scared he's going to lose me.

He both nurtures and fixes what he can...a good balance!

Hugs,
Chen♥

KathiM's picture
KathiM
Posts: 7871
Joined: Aug 2005

So, at first, he was VERY clinical...lol...then I complained that I didn't need ANOTHER doctor, or a tumor board at home...ROFL!

He had alot on his plate, dear soul. 2 weeks after I was dx'ed the first time (rectal cancer, stage III, given 6 months to live...), his father in The Netherlands died suddenly, and so he was VERY torn as to what to do. I DEMANDED he go to his mom, that I planned on being around a long,long time just to bug everyone. He made the mistake of asking my onc...SHE told him that the choice was his, but should he go he "may be coming home to another funeral"....sigh...not exactly tactful...

But, I agree with others...I never let on that I was scared to death, so, as a result, he didn't react, either. Or so I thought. Years later we talked about the whole thing and he said "you have no idea how many times I wept for you! But I didn't want to shake your confidence that everything would work out, so I kept it to myself. I really thought I was going to lose you!".

(teehee...not only did he not get his wish then, but I'm still a pain in his neck, more than 5 years later...ROFL!)

Big dutch hugs, Kathi

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5261
Joined: Oct 2010

MY therapist did say YOU act like not worried ...why would he? YOU act fine and dandy-all ok in the world...so he is feeding off you...

since I DONT" complain or worry he doesn't...just taking my lead....

when she said it ..makes a lot of sense...

lizzie17
Posts: 528
Joined: Nov 2009

He supports me by helping me to live a more healthy lifestyle. Organic foods, exercise, no artificial sweeteners, etc. For the first time in 2 years, he actually broke down and cried the day after my MRI. That was the very first emotion he has ever shown about it. BUT...I am overweight, and the delivery of his good intentions isn't always so comforting, because he blames my former use of diet coke and extra weight for the reason I am now in treatment for BC.

Double Whammy's picture
Double Whammy
Posts: 2264
Joined: Jun 2010

We've been married 36 years. I used to quip that I hoped I wouldn't be the one to get sick first, because I'd probably starve to death or die of neglect. I was so pleasantly surprised about how he has taken care of me these past 10 months. I felt (and still do) safe, comforted, and loved. He went to all of my initial appointments with me, asked questions I didn't think about (and understood about 10% of what we were told) but he went and he listened and participated. He was very uncomfortable with my visits to the gynecologic oncologist, but was fine with all the breast cancer docs and even stayed for breast exams (he probably couldn't think of an excuse to leave). But as soon as the gyn onc asked me to undress and said he was going to do a pelvic exam, he was outa there like a cat covering @#$! in a sandstorm! I've never taken him with me for follow-ups after hysterectomy, either. I guess there's just some things we don't have to share.

What is interesting, and as some of you have experienced, is the level of denial (or at least what he says to me). I do have a positive outlook for the future, and now that active treatments are behind me and I feel fabulous, I don't dwell on it as much. Some time ago I dropped a number about the potential percentage for recurrence and it was like the first time he'd even considered it might come back. I have no idea what he thought all the follow-up appointments are for.

Men are just odd. I've lived long enough to know that for a fact . . .

Suzanne

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5261
Joined: Oct 2010

Thanks for your imput...Please dont' get me wrong..mine has driven me hour and half for support group (ref: employeer/ emplyoee rights etc) He sat through it with only woman...asked questions etc...HE went to appt for surgeon, to my surgery etc...but when I mentioned more of when i get it again not if...he just clams up...

I will say oh blood work, mammo all came back good...but I THINK CLUE-less or head in sand..but all these comments make me feel better and I KNOW men just think differently then us...

THanks for all replies...

Findingout
Posts: 132
Joined: Dec 2010

Hi Denise,
I do hope you'll be able to pull something from this... I do think males are generally 'fixers' and are very frustrated about the lack of control with cancer. I found an online brochure that I re-wrote and sent to my ex mate, who was coming by but was obviously uncomfortable. It would make me feel hurt so I emailed him that he doesnt have to come by if he doesn't really want to, I'll feel better if he's just honest. Then he wrote back that he felt like he had a "limited set of tools" to help me. That was an eye opener and then I happened to find this brochure online.
After that he started hugging me whenever he stopped by and asking how I am doing.
Here is what I wrote to him - and I never discussed it w/ him because it seemed like that could be a turn off (you know men and talking!) So here it is, I hope it's helpful. -Lin

"I read an online brochure for friends of people w/ cancer. It said how friends and mates can feel frustrated about how to help and I remembered your email about that. I know you're a fix-it person so I see how that could be frustrating.
It said friends can ask the person what they'd like or how they feel, and listen to them, and don't get sidetracked about finding ways to 'fix" it, sometimes it can't be fixed, but just ask them and listen to them and that in itself is helpful. Friendship is a tremendously healing thing itself. The friend doesn't have to fix anything, just ask how the person is today, or give them a hug, listen.
But I know you, and when you hear me talk about pain or somehting like that, you get a little anxious that you can't fix it and you are not sure what to do or say. You can just say that (that you're frustrated). I'm not expecting you to fix everything (although you do come up with some good fixes!!).
I'm only writing this because the brochure reminded me of you and the frustratiion or awkwardness that commonly arises in these situations and so that our communication can be open and comfortable and you don't feel frustrated, or think you have a 'limited" set of tools. When you told me that, it was so helpful, I think I got it."

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5261
Joined: Oct 2010

so helps to hear from different point of view....

HE IS fixer...and like you said he can't fix this...!

this site big eye opener..

Survivor73
Posts: 135
Joined: Oct 2009

So, my hubby has not always been there for me...I had to break down one night and make him promise me that he would start coming to my appointments. When he is with me, I feel safe...plain and simple. When he is not, I feel that I don't have a shoulder to lean on.

I've had my sister come with me, but it's not the same...

So now, he has done his best to be at all of the appt's and surgery's. I have quite a few coming up since I'm battling two cancers at once...and a lot of appt's...

I don't expect him to come for rads, but for tests and results for sure.

His reaction has been that I am worrying too much...he says I'll be fine, I just have to deal with whatever I have to do and move on...stop worrying...lol as if!!

Anyway, he has a funny logic...if you just do what they say, then everything will be fine...I say "I'd like that on in writing"

Best of luck & good health to all

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5261
Joined: Oct 2010

http://www.psychologyhelp.com/gend133.htm

pbrndm5
Posts: 83
Joined: Dec 2010

My hubby has been very supportive as far as going to Dr. appts., radiation, oncologist etc.

I do know how you feel though. I can't seem to get him to understand all the fear I have. Whenever I bring up the future and my fear of recurrence, he sluffs it off and says let's worry about that if and when it happens. I think he's trying to make me feel better, but I need him to
listen to me. I mean really listen. He's a great hubby, a wonderful dad, but I can't seem to make him talk about his feelings. Sometimes I think he thinks I'm just complaining.

carkris's picture
carkris
Posts: 4518
Joined: Aug 2009

This is my 3rd time around. /the first time we were young, with young kids. this time we are older, and have talked about what didnt go right the first time. he has had to be very supportive and he listens better. But I also have to take into account that he is afraid, and that talking about recurrence interupts the way he copes. so i talk to my counselors about that. My husband conducts himself well, and doesnt freak out, but I know this is hard for him. I know he cares and I am sorry that I have put (unintentional) pain on my loved ones. But as I age i am so grateful he is still here, never complained, and always stood by me. I seriously would not have gotten through this last run without him.
Denise I could really see my husband, hearing what he wants to hear.like your husband. My husbands world is a great world and I wish I lived in it. (I tell him that all the time)
If I had test results I would want him to be paying attention too. But if I told him the doc said it would be ok,thats what he would take to the bank, and move on. its just guys................

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5261
Joined: Oct 2010

So I am not alone in the hubby denial club huh? Well next time I am waiting for tests I will not say the DR thinks OK etc...i'll just say wait and see..

I have said more then like I will get again ....more when not if..and he just zones out.

He has never really talked about cancer. (just like he hates to talk about funeral arrangments etc-when our first was born I did insist on "WILL" he did do that)

Thanks for all the imput everyone...seems like ONLY Hears the "up side" and not possibility of bad...

DebbyM's picture
DebbyM
Posts: 3294
Joined: Oct 2009

My husband has been by my side this whole time. To me, he is the most wonderful, caring man in the world.

But, we have to realize how hard this is on them also. They are our protectors, and, they can't protect us or defend us from bc.

Sometimes just having a heart to heart talk with them to explain how you are feeling could open up a lot of doors.

Hugs, Debby

Jennifer1961
Posts: 137
Joined: May 2010

Hi. I've been married for 15 years. From the way my husband acts he either doesn't care or is in denial. I'm hoping it's the later. He has gone to two doctor's appointments and hung out in the hospital during 3 of 4 surgeries. He has taken care of the kids while I recovered from chemo (most of the time my family or friends have taken care of them). To him this is huge. If he does something that he normally wouldn't do, he is mr supportive. In my opinion he is just the opposite. I'm expected to do everything I always did. (can you tell I'm just SLIGHTLY bitter!) I'm going in for my implant exchange surgery next Thursday. He is going out of town Mon to Wed. He hasn't asked about any of the detail of the surgery. I'm planning on asking my mom to help me out with taking me picking me up and looking after the kids. I'm married to him and this is the way he is. For better or worse, right?

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5261
Joined: Oct 2010

Can't change them for sure...I totally get it...

I did it all for years..about 7 yrs ago i lost it / cracked/ broke what ever...i was trying to be super mom, wife, daughter and now know I can't and don't try...i let things go , don't stress (married 25 yrs) so now after much therapy back then...he does much much more!

but I totally understand your side...so vent away...

I am going for coloscopy (I go annually) Thurs...so we'll both be loopy that day! NICE YOUR mom is around...to help..

bitter....go for it..been there and done that..

Denise

24242
Posts: 1417
Joined: Mar 2001

My signif other and I actually had just been living in same city for 6 months when I finally was diagnosed with stage 3 IDC with 11 out of 21 pos. nodes.
I had known for sometime something was terribly wrong but couldn't get anyone to listen so decided to move away from family after 4.5 years of long distance relationship with my teen son.
Mine doesn't want to hear about anything and I am sure it brings her back to our days with the big C 14 years ago and my health has never really recovered totally so never truly out of the game it seems. One thing she did do to cope was make sure that someone was with me since I had none of family or friends around and at the time I only wanted her she needed to work and keep some normalicy just to get through the days.
It is hardest on those around us and hard for them to know even what to do. I am very proud of the daughter in-law who asked why you would go alone? I was so grateful to have the distraction of my mother inlaw or a friend instead of left with my own thoughts. Even in Cemo it was grate to be there with others and also the people with them could be a party of laughter instead of cold silence. I didn't think I needed anyone but in fact needed everyone ...
Tara

EveningStar2's picture
EveningStar2
Posts: 494
Joined: Jan 2009

I know he loves me, I know he is scared to death that this disease will take me away from him. But he doesn't "get it" but I don't think any one that has not heard the words "you have cancer" do get it! So I make sure that he knows what I need because I tell him!

Maureen

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5261
Joined: Oct 2010

and many dont...!

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5261
Joined: Oct 2010

and many dont...!

sweetvickid's picture
sweetvickid
Posts: 439
Joined: Nov 2009

Wish I could gush on my husband but I can't. He never lifted a finger around the house. While going thru chemo my house was filthy. Luckily my nieces came over a couple of times and cleaned. He did do the dishes but he was the one who dirtied them. He would also go to town to eat and never once did he ask could he bring something back for me. He did his own laundry but never asked if I had clothes that needed to be washed.

When family would call to see how I was doing he would tell them he didn't know I was in bed. Told one friend he thought I was just bored! Now one month after finishing chemo he is sending me job postings!

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5261
Joined: Oct 2010

So so sorry...see I shouldn't complain about mine...so sorry so support for you...nice you had a niece come over...

terriable never asked if wanted food while he was out...I wish i lived near by...

Denise

Punkindo
Posts: 113
Joined: Jun 2010

My husband too didn't seem overly concerned with the whole process. He went to one Chemo with me and none of the radiation treatments. He did show up for the surgeries, but had them call him when it was time to pick me up. When I was going thru Chemo, he actaully went out of town twice for about a week each time and left me at home with our two small children. I guess to him it wasn't a big deal. On my last radiation appointment, I brought an edible arrangement for the nurses because they were amazing. He asked when I was going so he could go with. I told him that since he didn't go to any of my appointments with me that he wasn't invited. :) After I made it thru everything and my hair started growing back, he said that I was now a survivor and it was over..... I laughted at him. I told him that every day when I took my shower and saw the scars and delt with the hot flashes from the tamoxifen that I was reminded. When I can't rember names and other things I should know because of the chemo brain, I am reminded. Also the visits-it seems like at least once a month- to the surgeon, the oncologist, the radiologist, and my family dr, I am reminded. Every time I look in the mirror and see my short (used to be long) hair, I am reminded. I told him that everytime I get a headache, I wonder..... Every 6 months when I have another mamogram, I stress. I told him that as much as I wished it was "over" that it will never be, even if I never have a recurrence, because it will always be on my mind. He still doesn't really get it, but I decided not to divorce him..... yet :)

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5261
Joined: Oct 2010

I totally get you...while going through BC my colitis (had for 16 yrs) was out of control, then surgery, radiation and MENOPAUSE...i did tell him yesterday he has NO CLUE...many other wives would not have been so laid back...I dint' miss a beat with family, house or work...(i was very lucky) I TOO bought Ediable arrangment to my team at Cancer Ctr on my last day.
(ironically my last treatment was on mandidory breakfast for work at different location far away-I told them I had my last treatment-I GOT an ok to leave a bit early to make it...so caring they were...geshhh but that's a whole nother story)

I too see lop sided boobs-as much as i try to not take notice...i have very little scaring and had no burning during treatment...

so we are not alone...in all this..
Denise

jo jo's picture
jo jo
Posts: 1175
Joined: Jun 2010

Hey Denise...it just plain sucks when your in a situation like that...i had both supportive and non-supportive...let me explain. In the beginning he did everything for me and was so supportive. After i was dancing with NED everything changed...its like i was suppose to automatically return to NORMAL! He even told me about that time that he actually thought i would die from this but once he found out i wasnt things changed. He was still supportive in his own way just nothing like he was before and now he really doesnt want to hear about any side effects or anything like that...guess hes had enough but sorry it hasnt ended for me yet. It has caused fights but i want to think its getting a little better.

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5261
Joined: Oct 2010

we went for long ride long talk-about lots...but cancer did come up...! When I said I never missed a beat with anything-family, work, grandkids, household things...he said well maybe if you complain more someone would listen (in so few words) I said YOU KNOW I AM NOT a complainer ane will not for anyone...but would be nice if you ask about DR appt this or that...

HE did say He is very concerned for my health etc...so i just want a bit of interest in it..I am not an attention seeker..-Don't get me wrong..

thanks for your imput..

Denise

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5261
Joined: Oct 2010

long long serious talk with hubby..about his denial of my and illness(s) and his lack of listening...(seriously ADHD like our 2 children) I THINK I may have gotten to him with this talk...KEEP good thoughts he'll keep up with all going on...!

I can dream cna't I? hehe...

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5261
Joined: Oct 2010

long long serious talk with hubby..about his denial of my and illness(s) and his lack of listening...(seriously ADHD like our 2 children) I THINK I may have gotten to him with this talk...KEEP good thoughts he'll keep up with all going on...!

I can dream can't I? hehe...

Double Whammy's picture
Double Whammy
Posts: 2264
Joined: Jun 2010

including housework, child rearing, cooking, surgery, and chemo. Why should they think it's not? It's difficult for our significant others to think we're anything but a rock or to believe anything but that it will all get back to "normal" and be fine again. Afterall, it always has been. My husband has learned a lot these past 10 months, and he's getting closer and closer to actually "getting it".

Suzanne

Hippiechick58's picture
Hippiechick58
Posts: 320
Joined: Feb 2011

My husband(yes, his name is Bob) is the husband of the century. He cooks(gourmet meals), cleans, does the laundry and the shopping, takes me to my appts, does dishes and grooms our dog! He is a one-man wonder! All my friends say; "I want a Bob!" But there is one thing he says that drives me insane. Whenever I say, "I have BC," he says, "You HAD BC. They removed the tumor and nodes(BLMX) and now you are being given tx (chemo & Rads) just in case. I know he is right, but when he says that, I feel invalidated! I feel diminished, somehow. Like I am the person I used to be before the BC. To me, I HAVE BC, and will HAVE IT until I am dancing with NED! Then I will be able to say, "I HAD BC."

Even though he can be a bit insensitive at times, I still wouldn't trade him!

Be Well,
DiaNNE

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5261
Joined: Oct 2010

I totally get it...my hubby does clean kitchen everynight (has for years) ...but He says the same thing..YOU HAD BC..which I say also...but he recently said well it was caught early YOU are ok...

I pointed out it more like when it comes back not IF!

I had a long tearful conversation in car (captive audience) and I THINK I got to him..

disneyfan2008
Posts: 5261
Joined: Oct 2010

I agree...we handle it all...I am not complainer ...very rarely ask for help and iF I do -I am really in need of it.

SINCE I say I am not/ don't worry he feels like he shoulnd't..

after long talk..i said I am not worry about tests this and that..but it would be nice for you in ask!

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