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My girlfriend's end...

Kuro13
Posts: 5
Joined: Feb 2011

I guess I just need a place to vent a little, seeing as my mind is a mess right now.
Last week, my girlfriend, 17 years old, got diagnosed with brain cancer, and the doctors are giving her a very low estimate of time left.
Radiation doesn't seem to work, nor does any other treatment. And surgery is far too dangerous, and will most likely result in her death as well.

I just feel like this isn't fair towards her.
Dreams of starting a family, dreams of spending a life filled with love.
Dreams of getting married, and even dreams as simple as sleeping together at night.
All of them, crushed in an instant, thanks to this godforsaken illness.

I have no idea how to react to this, I guess I'm still rejecting reality.
But I can only imagine how she must feel inside...
I'm trying my best to support her, but--- it's hard to hide my own fears and visible shaking.

Really, I have no idea what to do...

bluerose's picture
bluerose
Posts: 1104
Joined: Jul 2009

I am so sorry to hear about your girlfriend's diagnosis, so young too. Cancer knows no ages though but still it's just so hard to see someone with their whole life ahead of them and then this happens.

You know, I have seen some miracles on this site with people who prayed and were prayed for and amazing things have happened so please don't give up hope. Has she had a second opinion too?

You did the right thing by coming to this site, lots of support and understanding people here to chat with. There is a chatroom too here for realtime chat as well. Maybe let your girlfriend know about this site too, I'm sure she would like to talk with those who understand what she is going through too maybe.

Just be there for her is the best advice I can give you right now. Also if you feel you need more help then talk with your doctor and he/she probably can refer you to a good grief counsellor who may be able to help you through as well.

Step by step is how to do it and again just let her know you are there for her. Don't be afraid to let her see your emotions sometimes though, being real is what she needs.

You are in my prayers.

Blessings,

Bluerose

Kuro13
Posts: 5
Joined: Feb 2011

I wish a miracle could come into being, but, she is already seeing the best of the best people--- if even they say that they can't do much, then hope is nearly non-existant...

I don't think letting her know about any site would matter much. I'm not saying this to be offensive, but she's simply not allowed to be online all that much. Understandably, her family wants her to spend as much time with them as humanly possible.

I think she understands my emotions behind it all though, but, I have to hold back a lot for her sake. I don't want to come across as a burden, or cause the entire situation to feel even more real to her.

I'll continue to be there for her, that's what being a boyfriend is all about. No matter how much the illness harms her, or no matter how much it warps her physical appearance, I'd always be there for her.

I just wish I was more than just human at times... so that I could make the entire situation disappear.

Noellesmom
Posts: 1386
Joined: Aug 2010

First, I'm sorry you are facing this. There are things your girlfriend must do to deal with her situation and she will, in time.

Second, right now, just breathe.

You are doing what is natural when you reject this kind of reality. It takes time to process so much information, especially when it is negative.

And I'm not so sure that your girlfriend is going to benefit from you hiding your fears and shaking from her. It's something you'll go through, in part, together.

Make sure to come back here and let us know how you are doing, Kuro. I know this is so hard to deal with but remember, you are not the first, the last, the youngest or the most afraid. You are just you and although you can't see it now, you will make it through this.

Kuro13
Posts: 5
Joined: Feb 2011

I really hope that I will make it through this.
Honestly, the only times when I feel a bit more calm, is when I talk to her. But as soon as I'm alone, or trying to get to sleep--- oftentimes, the only way to even deal with those times, is to just shut down my emotions entirely.

Noellesmom
Posts: 1386
Joined: Aug 2010

That you are around 17 yourself, Kuro. Whether or not this is true, you need to involve your family and close friends in the process in which you find yourself.

Don't try to do this alone - if you have a pastor, please talk with him or her about what you are doing through.

You WILL make it through this if you decide to - you have many things to accomplish in your life, just as we all do, and an obligation to accomplish them.

Rememember to come here often, Kuro.

Kuro13
Posts: 5
Joined: Feb 2011

I'm 22 years old, but that pretty much falls into the same age category as 17.
To be honest, I wish I had a pastor, but sadly I'm not a religous person--- though at times, it feels like that just causes the desperation to amplify.

Many things to accomplish in life, and an obligation to accomplish them?
Trust me, I fully realize how important life is, and what an amazingly precious gift it is, however--- when your own entire future image, all the dreams and goals you set up, crumble down like this in an instant, it becomes hard to even take a single step forward...

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Kuro,
I am so sorry to hear about your girlfriend. She is too young and you are too young to be going through having to deal with this terrible diseas. Unfortunetly cancer doesn't care what age people are when it attacks.
Just try & be there for her and let her know how much you care. It's hard to hold your feelings back, I know.
I lost my husband almost a year ago (in March) so I know what it's like to watch someone suffer and know there's not a darn thing you can do to help them.
It's good that you found this site, cause you'll get alot of support on here. We're like one big family!!!!!! Keep us posted on how she's doing. And try to be strong & talk to family or friends if you can. "Carole"

Kuro13
Posts: 5
Joined: Feb 2011

It burdens my heart to hear what you've experienced last year. I often think that, placing myself in another person's shoes is one of my strongest points, but now, I fully realize that I'll never be able to fully grasp that amount of pain.

Even now, I can barely grasp my own...

Thank you for the kind words however. It's nice to find a place where people really care about one another.

bluerose's picture
bluerose
Posts: 1104
Joined: Jul 2009

I am so sorry for all you are going through, your innocense has certainly been taken away from you far too early, that's for sure. I have to apologize though for one thing I said which was about her maybe coming on this site and maybe getting some support here, I really did not realize that she was so ill right now, I thought they had given her a poor prognosis for the not too distant future so thought that for now she was not as bad as she obviously is. Sorry I missed that. Of course she should be with family now in her condition, I guess I just read your post wrong. I'm sorry about that.

I wish there was some magic wand I had to take away your grief and the overwhelming nature of this horrific illness for you and all concerned but unfortunately that is not possible. I will however hold you all in my prayers and hope that you too have faith to help get you through this time.

Would you ever consider seeing a grief counsellor do you think? I know right now it's too much to think about but truly one visit to them even now might really go a long way to help you get through all of this. Even just going to see your own family doc and talking to him/her might help as well. You might need something to help you through the very rough spots in this journey with your girlfriend.

I want to tell you that I think you are very brave, and sound like a wonderful caring man, your girlfriend I know is very proud of you and so supported by you in all of this. You are doing a wonderful thing by coming to this site and seeking support and help in trying to support her in everyway you can, in return I hope you are receiving some comfort and help in it all yourself.

You are helping your girlfriend more than you know, be strong and write on this site anytime you need to on any subject that is bothering you and I know someone will chime back in support.

Hugs and many blessings,

Bluerose

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

I am sorry you are having to deal with this. Cancer truly does suck. Losing someone we care about at any age is very hard. Your feelings and fear are very normal. I am old enough to be your grandmother and I lost my husband of 42 years in Oct., 2009. Even at my advanced age I was shattered. We were supposed to grow old together. When life throws us curves, we are afraid and grieve that life we expected. We are angry, scared, and devastated. Denial is also very common. It is particularly hard when we need to be the strong one in the relationship. We need to listen, encourage, hold on to, and just be there for the person we love. My husband often told me that I had the harder role to play. I had a high school friend die from leukemia. I remember trying to make her feel better when I visited. I was not good at it. She often ended up assuring me that everything would be ok. As I look back, I can see that even that helped her. It was so much better than those who didn't visit. I guess what I am saying is that even if you can't say the right words, just being there helps. It is ok for her to see that you care enough to shake and feel bad.

One other thought. You may need to talk to someone with more experience with death and grief. Find someone you trust, a counselor, friend, parent, or Hospice social worker. Let me rephrase that, You do need to talk to someone. You shouldn't do this on your own. Even if you are not religious, you can talk to a hospice chaplain or even God. Just talking helps. It is even ok to shout at God and be angry. It is good to vent. My family didn't go to church and my father claimed to be an atheist. Needless to say, I was not religious. Yet when my favorite uncle died when I was a teenager, I remember getting really mad and telling God off. It helped and He can take it.

Come here when you need support or just to vent. You are right. This isn't fair. Sadly, life isn't fair, neither is cancer. You are a good person to care so much. Fay

sal314
Posts: 633
Joined: Jul 2010

you're going through this. There is no "right" way to walk this journey. All you can do is be real to yourself and your girlfriend. Don't hide your true feelings in the false thinking that she won't notice. People notice!

And...though the dr.'s said she didn't have much time left, the truth is they don't know. They're just making a statistical guess. I knew a man who was told he had less than 6 months to live because he had a brain tumor...well, he lived 4 great years!! Only God knows when our time is done.

And speaking of "God"...you mentioned you thought you may want to talk to a pastor but didn't have one? Well, you can walk through the doors of any church and the pastor or minister would LOVE to talk to you and help you! Don't feel like you have to "know" one. Pastors are in the "helping people" business and there is nothing they would like more than to extend a hand to someone in need. Just walk in your nearest church and see!!

Blessings to you. Please keep us updated on you and your girlfriends situation. I'll be praying for both of you.

Blessings,
Sally

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