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Scared, Confused, and Tired

sduhrkop
Posts: 6
Joined: Feb 2011

Hi..My husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 Lung Cancer on December 3, 2010 and then my only brother committed suicide on December 7th, 2010. I don't know how to talk to others well and thought maybe someone could give some advice. I am scared, angry, confused, and plain tired. I feel like life has gone into overdrive on a life that was already stressful and I want a plan of action that will make it so that it is not so overwhelming. I, as others that I have been reading, do not have a lot of people to talk with regarding any of this. My family tries to be understanding and helpful, but when you can't talk to them it doesn't work well. Does anyone have advice?

sduhrkop
Posts: 6
Joined: Feb 2011

Hi Rose..Thank you so much for the words. Sometimes I think I have it bad and then I listen to others and know that I am not alone out here.

My husband is getting treatments for now. He is on two different kinds of chemo. We went last Thursday for another Pet Scan to see if they are slowing things down or if it is helping in any way. We go Tuesday for the results on that, so will have to post after that.

I am so sorry to hear of all the troubles that you seem to be having. I hope that things will start to turn for you and get better. I know it sounds like you have a lot of separate things that you deal with all the time. How do you do it? I know if I were in your shoes, I would probably just have to take it one day at a time, and whichever emergency needed me on that day would take my time....so much easier to say than to do. I KNOW!!

I will also keep you in my thoughts and prayers...good luck to you and your family.
Shari

Noellesmom
Posts: 1270
Joined: Aug 2010

Scared, angry, confused and plain tired sound just about right, kop. You have, to put it mildly, an overwhelming situation. How many of us on this board have only had to deal with not only cancer but some other devastating turn of events? Just seems to go this way and that in no way diminishes what you are going through right now. You are, however, in the company of people who have dealt with extreme circumstances and who are here for you.

Cancer seems like such a show-stopper that when we or someone we love receives the diagnosis we believe nothing worse could happen, and, then, lo and behold, it does.

As a multiple suicide survivor, let me say that you will need help dealing with this. Please seek the counsel of your pastor, a psychologist and/or your family doctor. Suicide survivors need help dealing with the post-traumatic stress disorder that comes along with this event. Do not fail to take care of yourself because you must, unfortunately, either push past or compartmentalize your brother's death to deal with your husband's illness.

Kop, the most important thing you can do is take care of yourself because if you don't, you can't be there for anyone else.

Call your best friend, call ALL your friends. The more you talk through your experience with the suicide and your husband's diagnosis, the more you share the burden, the easier it is to bear.

When help is offered, TAKE IT. Don't stutter and stammer that you are fine and you don't need help: neither of those is really true, not on the surface and not deep down. Don't deny others the opportunity to help you - it is a blessing to them.

We are here for you - others will be posting soon to let you know you are definitely not alone.

Hugs, kop. Bunches of hugs.

sduhrkop
Posts: 6
Joined: Feb 2011

Thank you so much for your comments...You have no idea how they help. I had only joined on the night that I wrote this and believe me, knowing that there is some place that I can go and just vent some days helps, but hopefully, I can get past some of the venting, and go on with the good and helping of others. I am trying to deal with the brother issue, and also with the husband. I know that I feel as if I am so tightly locked up with feelings that I do try to unload with friends, but also know that they have there issues also. I just don't want to become someone that I am not, and not to care for others. I have always cared for others, and sometimes forget to let others care for me. Thanks again. Shari

Noellesmom
Posts: 1270
Joined: Aug 2010

Your husband's results.

We are here for you.

sduhrkop
Posts: 6
Joined: Feb 2011

Hi Noellesmom,
Just wanted to let you know, my husbands results were good and not so good. The chemo is working on the lung cancer and has shrank it by 20 % but it has grown in the glands some. They are going to continue on with chemo for another two sessions, and then do another pet scan to see if more improvement is there. The chemo today for some reason has made him sick and don't know how bad that will be for him, so hopefully he will get some sleep and feel better tomorrow. Thanks for the help. Shari

Noellesmom
Posts: 1270
Joined: Aug 2010

Buckle up and hang on, Shari.

Sending up prayers your husband will feel better soon and you can both get some rest.

Hugs.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

I just wanted to say hi and let you know that I am here. Unfortunately, life goes on even when cancer hits. Those first few weeks of dealing with a stage 4 diagnosis is hard enough, but then we get hit with other things. I agree that you might benefit from some counseling to deal with your brother's suicide. I have never experienced that with a relative, but it has got to be devastating. My husband fought stage 4 colon cancer for 6 years. It always seemed like the other difficult things happened when his condition was not good or when we had gotten particularly bad news from the doctors. Looking back, I know that isn't really true, but it seemed that way. Things always seemed like they just piled on.

I am also going to agree that you need to take care of yourself. I know that is hard, but you have to do it. I saw an acquaintance recently whose husband has stage 4 colon cancer. She looked so tired. I couldn't help but remember when people told me that. We try to do too much and we wear ourselves out. Try to remember that your husband needs you to be there for him, but you can't truly be there if you are worn out physically or emotionally. Go out with friends for a cup of coffee or something stronger. Take a walk. See a counselor. Do whatever you need to do to help you deal with all of this. Come here. Many understand what you are going through.

I hope your husband's recent results were good. Hang in there and take care, Fay

sduhrkop
Posts: 6
Joined: Feb 2011

Hi Fay,
Thank you for the words of encouragement. I need those from time to time. My husbands results are in today. They are good and not so good. The good part is that the lungs have changed for about 20 % to the better. The not so good is that the glands have gotten a little worse. They are going to continue with chemo for another two times and then do another pet scan to make sure there is improvement. The chemo today has made my husband sick, so hopefully he will be able to go to sleep and feel better in morning.

I do try to take good care of myself with friends and family help, but sometimes I know that I am not real good about telling people what is really going on with me. If I can just come together with that, I would probably be ok. Who knows though?

Thanks for your caring words, and remember we are here for you too!!!
Shari

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