I lost my grandmother 2 years ago from lung cancer. She was an amazing woman & the epitome of unconditional love. She lived with me & my parents & we were very close. I thought i was handling her death well but have been crying every single day & night for the past couple months, cant stop reliving what happened during her 2 year battle. I'm having huge insomnia. The What IF's are KILLING me...
1) 6 months after her diagnosis I picked up a full time job because of financial situation involving my brother that was destroying the whole family. Altough I tried to spend time with her when I came home, I feel awful for living her in the house all day when everybody went to work. HOW could I have left her in the house all alone like that !!!??? I knew she hated being alone.
2) I've always been afraid of driving & didnt get my license til few months before her death ( I was 27) & then put off getting a car, I'm so stupid ! I could have taken her places when she started to feel weak, Didnt realize that til now! We always waited for dad to go to appointments.
3) Two weeks before her death, she was having stomach pain & i thought it was JUST stomah pain but we found out later the cancer had spread all over. I'M SOOO MAADDD AT MYSELF. If i had done my research I would have recognized that this pain was different, THAT THIS MEANT THE END but at that time I couldnt even look at the word cancer, everything was so terrifying. 4) AND when she was in the hosp. she told me she was dying but I didnt believe her! she wanted me to stay overnight with her & I told it would be ok, that I Love her & that I'd see her tomorrow. I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID THAT, I really thought she was gonna be ok, she'd been in the hospital before, didnt think this was any different.
I LOVED HER SO MUCH, I talked about her all the time, everyone at work knew who she was even though they'd never met her. SHE WAS MY BETTER HALF. From that 1st appointment she was diagnosed I went to every single appointment, every test, & most of her chemo sessions, My mom told me she didnt want anyone else there but me so I gladly went everytime. I tried so hard to keep her spirits up & when it wouldnt work I'd feel so angry & so sad & try to hide it but dont know if I did a good job. I LOVED WHEN SHE'D SMILE AT ME, LAUGHED, I LOVED IT SO MUCH and when she didnt do that the LAST two weeks, i feel so GUILTY FOR NOT GETTING IT THEN, I called every single day from work & she knew she could reach me anytime but I FEEL SO GUILT FOR BEING AT WORK & NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO THE SIGNS, COULD I EVEN CONSIDER MYSELF A CAREGIVER? The only thing I think I did right was being with her at the end when I finally realized was dying. I stayed & slept in the hosp, her private room for the last 3 days with family, SHE SMILED A LOT THOSE LAST FEW DAYS, EVEN THROUGH PAIN. It was just me & her the last day becuase everyone else had to be back to their lives. By then she was in a coma & I told her I loved her & held her hand, DO YOU THINK SHE HEARD ME, FELT ME HODLING HER HAND THROUGH THE COMA, DID SHE KNOW I WAS THERE & STAYED WITH HER?
I had told her numerous times throughout her life I loved her before I so know she already knew. I JUST WANT TO KNOW IF I DID ENOUGH, IF ANYONE ELSE HAD MISSED THE SIGNS FOR END OF LIFE, MISSED THE OPPURTUNITY TO BE AROUND 24/7, MISSED THE OPPORTUNITY to HAVE HOE BECAUSE IT WAS TOO LATE.
I try to remember good times, When we went out & did stuff, talk to her during lunch, helped her take baths - she loved taking baths, sat & talked on the porch, when I made her smile after the chemo sessions, BUT I DONT know HOW TO GET THROUGH THE MISTAKES , I DESPARATELY WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN & TELL HER I'M SORRY FOR BEING A SELFISH IDIOT. ANY ADVICE?, ANYONE HAVE REGRETS/SIMILIAR SITUATION, I'M JUST ANGRY AT MYSELF. I'm sorry this post is so long :(