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Horrible today

Pennymac02's picture
Pennymac02
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2010

God, it rained cold buckets all day today, The Fed Ex truck delivered the cremains from Richmond, and my therapist diagnosed me with PTSD because of the horrible flash backs I've been having and the fact that I'm unable to sleep with out chemical help, (and even that sleep is spotty.)

I'm gearing up for Sundays memorial service with a very heavy heart.

Some how the thought that Mike is in a better place and is no longer suffering is not bringing me much comfort today. I grocery shopped for one, cooked for one, and even though my friends are around I feel like I'm in a dark and lonely place. I bought myself a good book to read but am unable to concentrate enough; I find myself reading the same line over and over with no comprehension. I'm forgetting everything I'm not writing down.

CANCER SUCKS! It's still affecting my life and I'm not the one who was diagnosed with it.

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

Hi...lost my husband 7 months ago and hear everything you are saying. The loneliness is all consuming at times. On top of being without him, we here in New England are having one of the worst winters in years, so dealing with shoveling and higher heating bills. Sometimes I feel like I can't catch a break. I also see a counselor which is helping. But recently found a support group for young widows at an area hospital and I am finding that very helpful. NO ONE knows what you are going through like someone who has or is going through the death of a spouse. I believe time heals, unfortunately this is going to take a long time. Know you are not alone.
Becky

skipper85's picture
skipper85
Posts: 231
Joined: Sep 2010

Hi Penny:

Well you know my story. It is so hard some days. I have started taking baby steps to get things done and try to get some kind of normalcy in my life. It's so quiet here that I've had to put on the radio or tv. The memorial service for Paul helped me to realize that he's never coming back. I guess I've been in denial or just couldn't comprehend what had happened. It seemed so quick. I'm waiting to get a package from hospice about a widows support group. It hasn't come yet. I have good friends but I can't afford to go out to eat every night or go to movies all the time. I have to watch my money until I can figure out what I can make from our home based business each month. I've had to cut back on selling some things because it was too much to do for one person. So many things are up in the air. I am getting better at surviving though.

You will get it together. It's still so new. I find that prayer helps. I also talk with Paul every day hoping he hears me.

Hang in there Penny. You will be okay - we both will. It's a tough adjustment but we can do it.

(((HUGS & LOVE)))

Skipper

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

Penny,
The hours and next few days after Dennis' passing, the concept that he was in "a better place" did bring me some comfort. Knowing that he no longer was in pain and that the Beast could not have him in it's grip. But as the days passed, I began to think, "wouldn't a better place be here, next to me, living, loving?". And I thought, that "better place" concept must have been created to offer comfort to those left behind.

I began to say, "what about me, where is my better place?". I had described the feeling I was having to a friend, the feeling that he would be calling any moment, or that he would be coming home soon. I suppose it was a form of anticipation, much like when he was alive and would call at lunch. How I looked forward to those calls! Or knowing he was on his way home to me! My friend said that now it has reversed, he is the one waiting for me, anticipating the day I come home to him! The glory for him is that time is of no consequence. That must be one of the million graces given to those who are now with our Lord.

Oh, and the shopping, cooking for one, that brought tears to my eyes at the grocery store! My love always made coffee for me in the morning. How I miss that! I have even just had a cup of instant, which I dislike, instead of brewing a pot just for me!

I must share with you something I began to realize just this morning. I did not cry myself to sleep last night, for the first time since he passed. Still can't label that. Am I doing better? Am I adapting to this new journey? Is my body getting used to not having him next to me? I'm thinking it's about adapting. We are creatures of habit. And when we need to adapt for survival, we adapt. So can that mean that I am trying to survive?

CANCER DOES SUCK!!! I've been placing alot of my anger there, as well! Months ago, we had bought these coffee mugs that said just that. At that time we felt it was a statement that we knew all too well what it felt like. I keep looking at those mugs now, and I hate them. Have moved them to the back of the cupboard. And a few days ago, I decided that one of these days, when I am really mad, I am going to take them and throw them into our stone firepit hard, so that they shatter into a million pieces! My therapist says that's a good idea!

I'm a few weeks ahead of you in this process, no consolation to either of us, but I wanted you to know that I am here for you, and I hope that perhaps you can draw some strength from even the tiniest of things that I may be able to impart to you. I know that I have drawn courage from your words on several occasions!

God bless and keep you,

Lucy

hope0310's picture
hope0310
Posts: 324
Joined: May 2010

I cannot imagine it being a spouse, so I cannot pretend to know how you are feeling Penny. What I do know is that it was 4 months on the 24th since I lost my mom, my best friend, confident and rock. All of the same things Mike probably was to you.
I can't get past the urge to pick up the phone and call her to chat, to ask how to make/do something.......everyday is different.

I feel selffish at times, because I too cannot let the "in better place and not n pain" be of comfort sometimes, because truthfully, she was never in pain 1 day!!! How selfish is that? Can't share that with many people. But, I do know that she is at peace.

I talk to her all the time, and sometimes cry with her. You know what.....I NEVER dream about her and this bothers me to no end. I don't know....its odd. Her cremains are on my nightstand....

You will go through so many phases of this, I think we just have to "allow" ourselves to go through them w/o having our lives and joy destroyed, which is a terrible balancing act.

I will be thinking of you in the coming days as you prepare.....you will be fine!

Be good to yourself
Elysia

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Penny,
I'm so sorry to hear you're having a rough time. I've gone through it all too and if it wasn't for the meds and my counselor, not sure how I'd be today. It takes time to adjust to what we've gone through when one day, we had everything & the next day it's all gone.
Tom & I were going to be married 47 years on Feb. 8th, so I know that'll be a hard day too.
I think once the memorial service is over, you'll find that things will be a little better. I'm sure thinking about all this had just added more stress.
Please try and realize that you're not alone. We're all here for you and are hurting too.
Carole

ktlcs's picture
ktlcs
Posts: 360
Joined: Jan 2010

I too have been diagnosed with PTSD after losing my husband and I know exactly where you are. I have not yet cooked and eaten one meal at my kitchen table (unless I have guests) I cannot bear to sit there alone and look at his empty place. Sleep? What is that? I have lost track. I end up watching TV until late into the night although I cannot tell you what I watch. To make matters worse I broke my foot and am stuck in the house due to the unending battle with the snow.

I guess I am rambling, we will all be Okay I guess, but when?

Kathy

Pennymac02's picture
Pennymac02
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2010

Oh Kathy, you're reading my mail.
The remote control has become my best friend until 3 or 4 in the morning. Last night I finally got to sleep after 2 tylenol pms and a muscle relaxer. I hate taking the meds, tho, so I'm limiting myself to chemical sleep aids to once or twice a week. The other days, I just tough it out, and nap if I'm able in the afternoons. Work finally responded to my request for more leave--they wanted me back full time on Monday, but after the 6 months I spent doing round the clock cargiving, going back to work 2 weeks after my husbands passing is impossible. I can barely get up and get showered, most days.

I went to the mall tonight to buy something to wear to the memorial, and being around the large amount of people was like nails on a chalk board. I seem to feel mad at complete strangers because they are going about their business like nothing is different, and my whole world is upside down. Even my perception of normal things seems off,as if the everything is changed, somehow. Is this part of the grief process? It seems to be part of mine.
Penny

ktlcs's picture
ktlcs
Posts: 360
Joined: Jan 2010

At least for me, I get angry seeing other people enjoying themselves, shopping, going out to dinner, whatever, while I am unable to even get out of bed! and for some reason I feel like even people who don't know me are staring and whispering (totally irrational I know)

I had a long talk with my psychiatrist today where she really drilled me on the need to take the meds, especially for sleep as the lack of sleep just makes the healing process take longer, and makes it harder for us to deal with moving on (her words) so I gave in and just took an Ambien. We'll see if tonight is any better than it has been

If not the reality shows that are replayed in the middle of the night are a good way to pass the time

Kathy

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

Kathy,
I too got a "talking to" from Counselor regarding meds. I came off the zoloft shortly after my husband passed away. Felt like I had been on them long enough and would be okay without them. New Years Day I had a real setback....cried, couldn't sleep. At the Counselor's urging, I went back on 25 mg zoloft. Hate to admit it but has helped. Sleep deprivation is not good....makes everything that much harder to deal with.
Good luck...hoped the ambien helped.
Becky

Pennymac02's picture
Pennymac02
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2010

I got 8 hours twice in two days on 10mg of melatonin. No early morning hangover, either. Getting good sleep makes a world of difference.
Penny

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

Is melatonin a prescription med or over the counter?

Pennymac02's picture
Pennymac02
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2010

Over the counter. I bought the CVS brand, each tab is 5mg, so I take two. Its the dosage my doctor reccomended.

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1560
Joined: Nov 2009

Hey Penny my dear csn friend. Glad to see your posts, and glad you actually got some sleep! How did the memorial go? We had my dad's in March, and it was real emotional. Seeing people you have not seen in a long time. Sucks how they show up for funerals and weddings huh? Anyway...that was actually the last time I cried about my dad's passing. My mom on the other hand cries every night. He was my dad, not my husband, I think there is a big difference. I also know the Lord, and my pastor has told me that is why my dad's passing has been easier for me to accept. I believe that to be true. You must believe that Mike is in heaven, he is no longer in pain, he is no longer suffering, he no longer has cancer!!! And, we will see them again..on the other side. You just have to believe. I know that you do. I can sense it. For now, give yourself all the time in the world to grieve. Do continue to take the meds. Do continue to come here and get some counseling if you feel the need. May Mike and my dad, Ray now finally rest in peace. And may God grant you the peace and strength you need at this most difficult time. Take it from me, March will be one year, it does get easier. We will be thinking and praying for you. See you soon.
Tina in Va

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