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Crying all Day..Depressed

Lisa13Q's picture
Lisa13Q
Posts: 683
Joined: Jul 2009

I don't come here often. usually I post on the Ovarian cancer board as my mother has been fighting that beast for 18 months and I go there for hope and information and numerous techniques for dealing with the chemo and side effects. This week was a real turning point in her treatment. In November the cancer went to her liver and between then and January the liver tumor grew over an inch...not a good sign...prior to this time, she has managed to battle it back....I think I was in total denial. Intellectually I knew these days were coming, but I figured they'd be years away. Doctor is talking to her about quality of life, but truthfully the cancer is spreading fast and my mother feels rotten all the time. Fool that we all were, we kind of didn't even think the cancer would make her feel bad. Somehow when it was the chemo, well that was ok....but it isn't the chemo anymore and the reality that this stuff is slowly destroying her vital organs is just killing me.....tears tears tears......sadness grief...it sucks....denial is amazing....i knew this day was coming so why am I so shocked? Anyway, I don't know if anyone has any wisdom...I am irritible with everyone and basically just very very sad....I hate cancer....I keep telling myself I should be enjoying every second, but I'm not too good at that right now....I am trying to get ready for the dreaded day....How does one do that and enjoy every second? Any feedback would be greatly appreciated..

Pennymac02's picture
Pennymac02
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2010

Lisa,
Denial is just a built in survival skill, I suppose. My husband passed of liver cancer last Friday, and even with the grim diagnosis of knowing without a liver transplant he wouldn't survive, there were times during my recent cancer rollercoaster that I just didn't think it was that bad.

Last year when my mother passed of breast cancer I had a conversation with my sister of what we were going to do when she ran out of hospice benefits in 6 months, and my dear mom passed away three days later. Denial affects us all, because the truth is sometimes too painful.

I don't know if I'd try to "enjoy" every second, but I did make a pretty decent effort of living in the moment, concentrating on the now, so that the fear of the future wasn't ruling every moment of every day. I look for the positive, the small daily miracles, the ability to appreciate a beautiful sunset or a kind conversation, and I'm very honored that I was able to be at my husbands side thru everything, that he trusted me enough to care for him. It was also the hardest thing I've ever done, and I feel like a shell of my former self after fighting the cancer demon twice in the past year. But someone on the grief and berevement board said that the only way to get over the grief is to get thru it. It sucks, though, believe me, I know. And I've only just started on this journey.

Penny

DitZy2
Posts: 38
Joined: Dec 2010

My youngest sister, she turned 40 last July, went on hospice April 2010. She also has Ovarian Cancer and the doctor gave her 3 - 6 months, surprise they were wrong! In December I was sure she was at deaths door and afraid she wouldn't make it till Christmas. She was over medicating herself so we now have someone with her at all times to ensure she keeps her medication on schedule. I don't know if you can prepare yourself for the dreaded day. Some days I think I'm at peace with it other days I'm a crying mess. I do understand now the statement "at least now they are not suffering". I feel angry, sad, confused, irritable but most of all I realized recently I just don't feel any joy in my life. It's sad and i miss that feeling. I'm exhausted all the time with taking care of her, my work, my family and home. Worrying as I watch my mother struggle with losing her baby. There is no joy at this time but there are the few moments of laughter of peace knowing that she can leave this life knowing she is loved. I remember the day my sister was born and I feel honored to be one of the ones that will be there when she leaves this world. I believe with my whole heart we will be together once again. Sorry I've rambled but your post paralled exactly the way I've been feeling. My prayers are with you and your family!!!

((((Big Hugs))))

Diane

debbieg5's picture
debbieg5
Posts: 168
Joined: Nov 2010

Lisa, there are no magic words. I don't think you can expect yourself to "enjoy" every moment. there really is nothing to enjoy as you watch cancer suck the life out someone. But while you have the time, you can make sure you mother knows how much you love and care for her. If you are not sure that she knows that based on the things you do for her, then make sure you put it into words and say it to her. My husband lost his fight with cancer 11 days ago. It is still hard to believe some days that it's true. His end came very suddenly and unexpectedly and I am left with the remorse of feeling that I didn't spend the kind of quality time that I needed with him. I was so busy taking care of him, my children, the house, work, etc. that I didn't take the time to just sit there and hold him and comfort him. I regret that so much. So just go love her the best you can.
Debbie

skipper85's picture
skipper85
Posts: 231
Joined: Sep 2010

Debbie:

You did comfort your husband by doing things around the house he couldn't and by taking care of the kids. I am sure he would've rather you do that than dote over him. You did the right thing for him and your family even though emotionally it was hard on you not being able to spend more time with him. No regrets Debbie. You took care of him as much as you could with all the responsibilities you had. Your husband is cancer free and out of pain. You have a new guardian angel looking over you and the kids. Your husband's there in your heart always. I lost my husband Jan. 6th. I know exactly what you're going through. These first few months are going to be rough for both of us but we will get through it because we have to and because our husbands would want us to.

((LOTS OF HUGS))

Skipper

Barbara53's picture
Barbara53
Posts: 659
Joined: Aug 2009

Ya'll made me smile because I was just getting ready to tell Debbie to stop beating herself up when Skipper beat me to it. Debbie, you were a wonderful wife and caregiver, and that's enough. Perfection not required! Hope that each day you find the perfect pieces to pick up and carry on.

debbieg5's picture
debbieg5
Posts: 168
Joined: Nov 2010

Skipper and Barbara,
thanks for that encouragement. I have been having several people tell me that lately. In my head, I know it's the right thing but my heart is still so heavy. I guess everyone has regrets after a loved on dies. All those "what ifs" haunt me. I hope you are right...I hope he knew that part of caring for him was to continue to take care of the kids and house the best I could. The bad thing was that because he had a laryngectomy in Sept, he had been unable to speak to me since then. He would expect me to lip read or write notes when I couldn't understand but that was only for the bare minimum stuff. I think he was suffering so bad and had no way to express it. I just can't help but think that I should have tried to show more compassion and less busyness at the end. But therein lies the problem...I didn't know the end was just around the corner.
I know I'll be OK....it's just going to take some time.
Debbie

Cindy Bear
Posts: 563
Joined: Jul 2009

Hi Lisa. I too sometimes post on the ovarian board.. sauntered over from uterine board.. I lost my mother to uterine cancer in 2009. I am sorry you have to be here, sorry your mom isn't feeling well. I don't really have any sage advice for you but it's perfectly normal to cry, to deny, to get angry or sad , to swear or throw things.. yes cancer sucks.. it really does. Please hang in there and yes just spend time with her. I didn't spend as much time with my mom as I wanted to during chemo. My other 2 sisters were physically closer and I kept my distance thinking, I'll wait till she's better, stronger, thru chemo... and then go up more... then she was gone.... just like that... stay close to her and cherish this time.
Prayers and hugs, Cindy

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

Hubby was dx'ed in September, and now he is in hospice. I will tell I do not enjoy every second - there are things I can't stand doing but need done. The only thing I do is I treat him as normally as I can. I still bust his chops when I can, which is something that we've always done. Because he is a laryngectomy he doesn't have a voice so conversations are either lip read or written, which makes things hard.

I think I can say with all certainty that most of my day I don't like, but the evenings aren't bad and I look forward to them. Same with when I first wake up and he's up with me for an hour or so before he starts to doze.

What I can say is let your mom lead the way in conversations and activities. Let your mom know you love her in word and deed. You know your mom best, but for example when Pat has an itch in his back I scratch whether he asks or not. I make sure he has everything he needs in easy reach so he doesn't have to move too far (he's in a lot of pain too.) He sweats a lot so I keep a clean dry shirt close by, also to help with any mucus from his stoma. But mostly I tell him I love him and give lots of touches.

This is a hard road, I'm not going to say different. If you need to PM me. And don't second guess yourself too much. Trust your instincts now they are most likely right.

Lisa13Q's picture
Lisa13Q
Posts: 683
Joined: Jul 2009

I am so glad to know that I am normal and this this road does suck. Today was a better day and I am just trying to take it one day at a time. Didn't talk to anyone today cuz I needed the break....So truly appreciate the support and genuinely sorry for all your cancer losses as well. Mom's birthday is Feb.11th. I will go to Fl to see her then....ordered her an ace of cakes b-day cake...thanks again

MCKMNL
Posts: 40
Joined: Jan 2011

to help you through this, but ai think part of me is also in denial. My dad was just dx'd with cancer *officially* a month ago, and i am still reeling from the news. He is my best friend. I have decided to cry when I need to, but to also live in the momrnt with him. I take things day by day,stopped planning ahead. if I plan ahead, and knowing my personality if things go awry, i will be beyond devistated. If you ever need to talk or vent, I am here to listen.
Missy
sending you massive hugs!!!

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