Why am I having such hard days?

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Pinkpower
Pinkpower Member Posts: 437
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
Its been a hard week, still getting over bronchitis since New Years Eve, Im tire of being sick and tired all the time. On top of everything else, they ugle Green Eye jealousy monster has hit me harder then ever. Why? I ask, I have a caring husband, who has been taking care of me. All it took ws to see him talking on FB with a (very busty) woman he works with (he's a Correction Officer who has been working the grave yard shift for months now) and it turned my very fragile world upside down. Am I just creating things that are not there in my mind? I've never been one to trust a man 100%, and now its just worst. Ive said it before, a woman needs more from her man then taking care of her when she is sick. We need to feel desired as a woman, not just sex, though that would be nice too, but physical attention would be nice. Im tired that the only time we have sex is when I say something, and that is starting to bother me. Dont I deserve to feel my husband also wants me? Sorry Im going on, just needed to vent. Thanks

Lupe

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  • Chickadee1955
    Chickadee1955 Member Posts: 355 Member
    #2
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    I told my husband at the
    I told my husband at the very beginning of this journey, prior to my bilateral mastectomy, that I would be VERY hurt and upset if I happened to see him looking at a woman's breasts, ANY woman's breasts, or photos of breasts, etc, etc. I explained that my own self esteem would be challenged enough without seeing him looking at what I no longer had. He said he understood, and apparently he did since I haven't seen it happen over the past 10 months.

    Yes you deserve to feel desired! I'm not sure how that is achieved, though. Between surgeries, treatment, more surgeries, etc I can't say I've been much interested in the physical side of love, but it doesn't make me want my husband to want me any less! In our case I think he's been afraid of hurting me or taxing my energy as much as anything else. Maybe your husband is feeling the same way and unable to quite express it???
  • fauxma
    fauxma Member Posts: 3,577 Member
    #3
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    Lupe,
    It seems to me that
    Lupe,
    It seems to me that facebook would not be the venue one would use to carry on or begin a relationship with someone when you are already married. It is just to open and accessable. That would be my take on his being on there but I can see that this would still bother you. You say he has been great at caring for you and that is wonderful. We have many husbands that have been a disappoint in that department. I am wondering if he is hesitating to initiate sex because he is concerned for how you feel about your body, that you are tired and have been feeling sick, and he is leaving it up to you to send the signals. Just a thought because obviously I don't know what is in his mind. Have you sat down and voiced these feelings? Just told him or asked him what is going on in his mind and heart. It may be time to clear the air. Cancer takes so much from us and it affects us each so differently. Some women want more care, less sex and some want more sex, less care and some want both or neither. Some just would like someone there. Cancer is so hard on us, physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually. Venting here is a good way to release some of the fear, anger, hurt, etc and we are here to listen and suggest and just be supportive. I am sure that others will respond and probably have much better suggestions for you but know that I can see how you can be hurt and insecure right now. I will keep you in my prayers that you and he can resolve this and that you get less tired, more well, and less fragile with time.
    Stef
  • Pinkpower
    Pinkpower Member Posts: 437
    #4
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    fauxma said:

    Lupe,
    It seems to me that
    Lupe,
    It seems to me that facebook would not be the venue one would use to carry on or begin a relationship with someone when you are already married. It is just to open and accessable. That would be my take on his being on there but I can see that this would still bother you. You say he has been great at caring for you and that is wonderful. We have many husbands that have been a disappoint in that department. I am wondering if he is hesitating to initiate sex because he is concerned for how you feel about your body, that you are tired and have been feeling sick, and he is leaving it up to you to send the signals. Just a thought because obviously I don't know what is in his mind. Have you sat down and voiced these feelings? Just told him or asked him what is going on in his mind and heart. It may be time to clear the air. Cancer takes so much from us and it affects us each so differently. Some women want more care, less sex and some want more sex, less care and some want both or neither. Some just would like someone there. Cancer is so hard on us, physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually. Venting here is a good way to release some of the fear, anger, hurt, etc and we are here to listen and suggest and just be supportive. I am sure that others will respond and probably have much better suggestions for you but know that I can see how you can be hurt and insecure right now. I will keep you in my prayers that you and he can resolve this and that you get less tired, more well, and less fragile with time.
    Stef

    Hi Stef, answer to your
    Hi Stef, answer to your question, yes a few months ago when i was feeling about the same as now, i did go to him (via txt mind you cause he is a person that is very hard to talk too) and we did get to the bottom of what was going on, or so I thought, he did say he was waiting for me to feel up to it, didnt wnt to push till I felt ready, and of course that week was good in the sex dept, so I let him know and showed him I a OK to go whenever. But like I said, i always have to mk the 1st move, say something and Im tired of it. Makes me feel like, he doesnt really want to, just doing it because I said something. I dont know, maybe Im making more of this then it really is. I just hate having to be the one to always bring up the subject.
  • Jean 0609
    Jean 0609 Member Posts: 2,462
    #5
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    Pinkpower said:

    Hi Stef, answer to your
    Hi Stef, answer to your question, yes a few months ago when i was feeling about the same as now, i did go to him (via txt mind you cause he is a person that is very hard to talk too) and we did get to the bottom of what was going on, or so I thought, he did say he was waiting for me to feel up to it, didnt wnt to push till I felt ready, and of course that week was good in the sex dept, so I let him know and showed him I a OK to go whenever. But like I said, i always have to mk the 1st move, say something and Im tired of it. Makes me feel like, he doesnt really want to, just doing it because I said something. I dont know, maybe Im making more of this then it really is. I just hate having to be the one to always bring up the subject.

    Hi Lupe,
    Sorry to hear that you have been sick. I know you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. I know the feeling sister. Sorry to hear about you and your husband. I remember you saying before that you would text him and things did get better. Maybe a romantic getaway is in order. If even for a night. Just the two of you. A nice dinner and then spending the night at a nice hotel so you can "talk" and whatever. If you can't arrange that, maybe a quiet night at home (no phones, no computers), just the two of you. Hope things get better for you.

    xoxo,
    Jean
  • roseann4
    roseann4 Member Posts: 992 Member
    #6
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    Jean 0609 said:

    Hi Lupe,
    Sorry to hear that you have been sick. I know you are sick and tired of being sick and tired. I know the feeling sister. Sorry to hear about you and your husband. I remember you saying before that you would text him and things did get better. Maybe a romantic getaway is in order. If even for a night. Just the two of you. A nice dinner and then spending the night at a nice hotel so you can "talk" and whatever. If you can't arrange that, maybe a quiet night at home (no phones, no computers), just the two of you. Hope things get better for you.

    xoxo,
    Jean

    One of my friends...
    Found out her husband was having conversations with his ex girlfriend from high school. Well she confronted him and he put an end to it. It was nothing yet but that's how affairs can get started. There's NO reason for private conversations with another woman if it makes you uncomfortable. My husband has many female friends but they are friends with both of us. Follow your instincts. Tell him how you feel. Men can be clueless sometimes.

    Roseann
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #7
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    roseann4 said:

    One of my friends...
    Found out her husband was having conversations with his ex girlfriend from high school. Well she confronted him and he put an end to it. It was nothing yet but that's how affairs can get started. There's NO reason for private conversations with another woman if it makes you uncomfortable. My husband has many female friends but they are friends with both of us. Follow your instincts. Tell him how you feel. Men can be clueless sometimes.

    Roseann

    I would not like my husband
    I would not like my husband talking to other women either. but I dont think your husband is cheating on you. I would/do feel pretty insecure sometimes. Just having cancer, never mind all the surgery etc.. can make one feel that way. Sometimes they have to be told exactly what to do. they want to just dont know how. it would be nice if you could get away together.
  • mom62
    mom62 Member Posts: 604 Member
    #8
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    carkris said:

    I would not like my husband
    I would not like my husband talking to other women either. but I dont think your husband is cheating on you. I would/do feel pretty insecure sometimes. Just having cancer, never mind all the surgery etc.. can make one feel that way. Sometimes they have to be told exactly what to do. they want to just dont know how. it would be nice if you could get away together.

    FB
    That is exactly one of the reasons I will never join FB. I hear of so many stories of people looking up old romances and rekindling things while they are married to other people. It's sometimes harmless but I think it really bothers the other person and I know some who have actually followed through with it. FB just makes it too easy for people to try to escape their lives. I hope he is not doing anything inappropriate, but be on alert. Best of luck.
  • aisling8
    aisling8 Member Posts: 1,627 Member
    #9
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    mom62 said:

    FB
    That is exactly one of the reasons I will never join FB. I hear of so many stories of people looking up old romances and rekindling things while they are married to other people. It's sometimes harmless but I think it really bothers the other person and I know some who have actually followed through with it. FB just makes it too easy for people to try to escape their lives. I hope he is not doing anything inappropriate, but be on alert. Best of luck.

    I hear you
    and send you a big hug. Follow your gut. It usually knows the truth.

    I also think you'll feel better emotionally when you feel better physically. Everything looks bleak when we don't feel good.

    xoxoxo
    Victoria
  • fauxma
    fauxma Member Posts: 3,577 Member
    #10
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    Pinkpower said:

    Hi Stef, answer to your
    Hi Stef, answer to your question, yes a few months ago when i was feeling about the same as now, i did go to him (via txt mind you cause he is a person that is very hard to talk too) and we did get to the bottom of what was going on, or so I thought, he did say he was waiting for me to feel up to it, didnt wnt to push till I felt ready, and of course that week was good in the sex dept, so I let him know and showed him I a OK to go whenever. But like I said, i always have to mk the 1st move, say something and Im tired of it. Makes me feel like, he doesnt really want to, just doing it because I said something. I dont know, maybe Im making more of this then it really is. I just hate having to be the one to always bring up the subject.

    Lupe,
    thank you for
    Lupe,
    thank you for explaining that you have discussed this. I am at a loss for words. There are so many frustration with cancer and it's all important. This is your life and it is changed and that sucks. I don't think you are making too much of this. It's an important part of your life and it needs to be addressed. I will keep good thoughts that this will resolve. I also hope that your fatigue and illness will clear up. It's hard to deal with all that comes with cancer.
    Stef

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