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My Beloved

Pennymac02's picture
Pennymac02
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2010

I lost my soul mate today. He passed relatively quickly and was not in pain, which was an answer to prayer. I asked God to take him quickly if there was no hope of a liver transplant. Right now I'm in a state of shock. Even though we knew this was a probable outcome, I never thought I'd find myself 500 miles from home, staying in the Fisher House, unable to get him into quality hospice care, and unable to make him comfortable in his own bed at home.

Life with cancer is full of surprises, I guess.

The next few days will be spent trying to make arrangements. My MIL will be going home on Sunday (mixed feelings)and I will stay in Richmond until cremation, then I'll bring him home to Florida myself. We will have a small memorial service in Jacksonville, and then I will bring his remains to Nebraska so he can be buried with his family.Those were his wishes. I plan on taking some much needed time off of work to just rest and regroup.

Most of the day he was laboring to breath and had his eyes closed. The only thing he said to me this morning was "I don't want to do this anymore", and I knew he was ready. But when his breathing began to slow, and I knew his time was at an end, He opened his eyes, looked directly into my eyes, and breathed his last. Then he closed his eyes and went to heaven.

I wonder if I will wake up tomorrow and this will all be a bad dream.
Penny

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Penney,
I am so sorry to hear this latest news. I guess we knew it was going to happen, but when it does it is so hard to accept. Sometimes I still feel that this whole past year was a nightmare & I want to wake up and have Tom's arms around me again.
These next days & months are going to be hard on you, but you did all you can and I'm sure he knew how much you loved him.
Please keep coming here so we can talk okay? I know how much you're hurting now & I'll help you any way I can. "Carole"

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

Oh, Penny, how I wish I could have been there for you. Having followed your journey, I know how much love you have for your Mike. I know that we all are different, but the coming days will be difficult, but busy. You may even feel courage as you prepare to bid your beloved good-by and the arrangements that must be made. I felt as I was still my love's "caregiver" and had to continue to care for him. Now that the arrangements have been completed, I have wondered what shall I do with all this time. Everyday that passes, I try very hard to do something for myself, as I know he would have so wanted me to.
I pray that you have support during this time and in the days to come. You must be exhausted in every sense of the word.
Please, come here when you need to share. There are open hearts waiting to give you comfort.

Bless you,

Lucy

ketziah35
Posts: 1150
Joined: Jun 2010

Penny,

I am so sad that you had to go through. My condolences to you and your family. I pray that you will find peace in the memories that you have with Mike. I will keep you in my prayers.

God Bless!

lovingwifedeb's picture
lovingwifedeb
Posts: 184
Joined: Aug 2010

I am very sorry for your loss and all the suffering that you and your husband have been through. I have no words that could comfort you and I will not tell you that time will make it better. May you find some peace in your heart Penny in knowing the battle was fought.

Deb
lovingwife to Bob, stage 4

ketziah35
Posts: 1150
Joined: Jun 2010

Penny,

I am so sad that you and Mike had to go through this. My condolences to you and your family. I pray that you will find peace in the memories that you have with Mike. I will keep you in my prayers.

God Bless!

skipper85's picture
skipper85
Posts: 231
Joined: Sep 2010

Penney so sorry for your loss. As you know, I lost my husband about a week ago - d**n cancer. I couldn't believe he had passed (I'm still having a hard time believing it). I did feel better when I picked up his cremains and brought him home. That's where he wanted to be. I was able to get a couple very small urns for me and the kids to keep part of him with us always. I find it very comforting to have him near me. The rest will be scattered in the ocean in the spring. Just something for you to think about. The urns are very small. I keep my on my desk at home since I work there about 10 hours a day. I know there's a lot being thrown at you all at once and being so far from home doesn't help. Since I'm going through the same loss as you but I'm a little farther along, let me know if you need any info or have any questions about insurance or other things. I have learned a lot in the last few days.

(((HUGS & LOVE)))

Skipper

sarge57's picture
sarge57
Posts: 50
Joined: Nov 2010

Penny I am so sorry for you just read about losing Mike, through your posts I have seen the rollercoaster you have been on. It is a new chapter of life you will have to deal with unfortuately many of us here have, to go through this chapter. I know personally what you are going through I am not too far behind you with my wife.

Remember take one day at a time and you do have friends here too.

Thinking of you,

Hugs
John

Noellesmom
Posts: 1302
Joined: Aug 2010

Penny, I am so sorry to hear your news but glad to know he is no longer suffering.

Lifting prayers for you and your family during this time.

Have a safe trip home and then on to Nebraska. Let us hear from you.

Hugs.

hope0310's picture
hope0310
Posts: 324
Joined: May 2010

Penny my heart aches for your loss. It has been such a rollercoaster ride. Praying for you and all of Mikes family for strength and peace during this time.

Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you.

Elysia

karenbeth's picture
karenbeth
Posts: 194
Joined: Sep 2010

I have been following your story and am sorry to hear about your loss. You were an amazing caregiver and have amazing strength. I am glad that your beloved's last moments were looking into your eyes.

Karen

ms.sunshine
Posts: 710
Joined: Mar 2010

I'm sorry Penny, I know you are hurting. You have been an awesome caregiver. You endured all with such grace. A big hug to you from me. Take care
Love, Jennifer

debbieg5's picture
debbieg5
Posts: 168
Joined: Nov 2010

Penny,
I am so sorry to hear this news. Unfortunately, it's not a bad dream that we can wake up from. We just had my husband's (Ken)funeral today. It still doesn't seem real. Every hour or so there is something else that pops up to remind that he won't be here any more to be a part of our lives. I hope you have lots of family and friends to be with you during the next week or so as alll the preparations are made. It would be impossible to do this alone. Stay in touch and we will make our way through this.
My prayers are with you and your family today.
debbie

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

Sending prayers your way, and hugs, too. This new "club" we belong to has very high dues. The comfort is knowing that we can be here for each other.
God bless you,
Lucy

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

Not much I can say hun. I'm here, be safe, ask for all the help you need, and turn down nothing that is offered. He will be with you as long as you hold his memory in you heart.

Love n hugs,
April

zinniemay's picture
zinniemay
Posts: 534
Joined: Mar 2009

Penny, not much I can add to all the thoughts others have gave you. I know my heart is with you. If the road ahead gets dark and lonely you can always call one of us . We love and care about you.
I wish I could wake up and find this is all just a bad dream too. That we did not met in such a way. But I know I am a better person for each one of you have helped me so much. you are forver in my heart.

Love
Jennie

junklady's picture
junklady
Posts: 88
Joined: Aug 2009

Penny- I'm so sorry to hear the sad news. I know everything is overwhelming and so unreal right now. Your post brought tears to my eyes as I recall when my Dale passed away Aug. 29. The days ahead are going to tough, but just take one step at a time. I will be thinking of you and sending prayers your way. Please take care.

Cyndi

Em11
Posts: 13
Joined: Oct 2010

Please know that you are thought of and prayed for. I wish I could do more. I feel so badly for you.

Barbara53's picture
Barbara53
Posts: 659
Joined: Aug 2009

Penny, I am so sorry that things turned out this way. You both fought as hard as you could, but you already know that. I wish it was a bad dream. Things will get better.

PM me if you need on-the-ground help in Richmond. My daughter has been out of the country but she's back now, lives down in the university area and can be enlisted to do whatever you need.

cher8871
Posts: 64
Joined: May 2010

penny, i'm so sad to read your news. prayers for strength and grace for you and the family!

Carrie King's picture
Carrie King
Posts: 48
Joined: Sep 2010

Penny--

Prayers going out for you. I am so sorry.

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1161
Joined: May 2008

my thoughts and prayers go out to u and your family

michelle

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1560
Joined: Nov 2009

Oh Penny my dear friend
I am so sorry for your recent loss of your beloved one. You have had a real long rough time. You have done an excellent job as his caregiver. I know how those words..."I don't want to do this anymore." sound. You knew, he knew. You gave him your blessing, that is all he needed. You will always have that fond memory of looking directly into his eyes. Yes, he closed his eyes one last time, to reopen them and be in heaven. May God grant you and your family the peace that you need at this difficult time. I am only 2 hours from Richmond, call on me if you need to, seriously. Take care of yourself. Keep us up to date. There are angels among us....one of them is you Penny. ;)
Tina in Va

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Penny,
Was just thinking about you and wondering how everything is going? Making all the arrangements can be overwhelming. I think I was in a state of shock when I had to go to the funeral home and everything seemed surreal. We were supposed to grow old together and never expected to be picking out a casket which is the most horrible thing I've ever had to do.
I know you'll be going back home soon, but hope you still keep in contact with us. If you ever need to talk, we're all here for you. Take care! 'Carole"

Mrsbourceforce
Posts: 19
Joined: Sep 2010

I just got back on and read the news.. My deepest sympathies are with you
Jeanette
wife of Jeff sarcoma

Carolinagal's picture
Carolinagal
Posts: 90
Joined: May 2010

I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Pumakitty's picture
Pumakitty
Posts: 653
Joined: Mar 2010

Penny,

I am so sorry to hear this news. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Love,
Kathy

rankind
Posts: 36
Joined: Sep 2010

Penny,
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your dear husband. It sounds as if the love that the two of you shared was filled with sweetness. My prayers are with you and your family. I lost my brother a month ago and it still feels like a bad dream. My God give you strength.

Debbie

neverquit
Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2010

Penny,
I am at a loss having read that Mike passed away on 1/14. I am so sorry for your loss. I apologize for not having posted sooner, but my husband Mike also took a turn for the worse so I have not been on line since he began to fail.
I hope that you stay as strong for yourself as you did for Mike during his couragous battle. Mike is finally at peace and in a far better place. My condolances, thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Please take care.

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