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First time alone

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

This morning I spent the first moments alone since my love passed away. I thought that it was something I needed, as I have been surrounded with love and care continuously since Dec. 20th. I've cried, I've danced with my arms raised as in holding him. I've asked him why did he leave me. I've asked God why did Dennis have to go. I suppose I've been keeping the hard emotions in check while my loved ones are around as to not worry them, so perhaps this venting, crying, raw display of emotion will be a step in releasing. I don't want to feel this way, but I know that I must go through this scary, dark tunnel in order to come out into the light on the other side.

Thank you all for being here for me.

Lucy

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

Hi Lucy,
I received some mail from the Hospice program that took care of my Terry. Some very helpful information. At the bottom of the page it said, "We cannot prevent grief. The only way out is through." So very true. There is no easy way or shortcut through this grieving process. I wish there was a shortcut. It is so hard to be alone when reminders are everywhere. You are in my thoughts.
Becky

Noellesmom
Posts: 1299
Joined: Aug 2010

I agree with Becky: the only way out of grief is through and you are right - it can be a dark and scary tunnel.

But you do not walk it alone, at least not any more than you want to walk it alone. You are surrounded by loving thoughts and prayers, Lucy.

I'm glad you had some alone time - we get so wrapped up in protecting people from our sadness that we may very well prevent ourselves from fully embracing the loss.

Hugs, Lucy. Bunches of hugs.

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Lucy,
Sounds like you've been holding alot in while your loved ones were around. I'm glad you finally let it out. Even though it'll be a year in March since I lost tom, I still have times when I cry. I've said it in one other post that my friend told me to think of it as being on an airplane and going through turbulance. Soon it'll be a smooth ride again. We're all going through this together. We had someone to take care of us and now we're alone and trying to adjust to our new life. It hasn't been long for you since you lost your hubby, so take one day at a time and when you feel like crying, CRY!!! Take care! Carole

junklady's picture
junklady
Posts: 88
Joined: Aug 2009

First times alone are sad. Go ahead and cry, scream or whatever else. I lost my husband Aug. 29th and I also keep asking, Why did you leave me? What do you want me to do? Give me a sign. There are good days and bad, the tears come at the most unexpected times. I hate it. I'm trying to find some direction in my life, but I know it's a slow scary process. I just want you to know that you are not alone. I will be thinking of you.

Cyndi

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

I have yet to come here and not receive care and compassion. I am so blessed and grateful to have found this place of refuge, hope and love.

You know, last week my wonderful therapist told me that I was still in "shock". I couldn't understand. For months I had been "preparing" for his passing, should that occur. I had hope, and continuously prayed for a miracle of healing, or at least an extended time with him feeling good and happy. But always in therapy, she reminded me that I was watching my love die. Wow, that would make me so angry, and I would tell her so! In reflection I suppose we are all doing that, and like us, there was a disease, that very possibly would take our loved ones one day. I feel now that the best I was able to do was prepare for the very moment that he took his last breath. It was remarkable how at peace I felt that night. Oh, yes, my heart was breaking, but that night it was all still about my love and his comfort and peace.

So I'm beginning to accept that I am in "shock", for there is no way I could have prepared myself for the days following. For that lost feeling of looking around to find him and realizing that he will never be there in the way that he was before. I call it the "wave". It is a physical feeling as well as emotional. A cold begins in the middle of my stomach and rises to my head. My therapist says it is adrenaline, I say it's awful! I have been on Celexa since he was diagnosed, and have Lorazepan as back up when it gets too much. I really don't mind the Celexa, I know it has helped me throughout the last months, just don't want to come to depend on the other to make the pain go away. I only take a tiny piece of the Lorazepan when I can't stop crying after a long period, or anxiety rules my body so that I can't function. These are rare and few in between moments, as I try to utilize all the love and support that surrounds me.

I am also looking for a sign for which direction my new life will take me. Or should I say, I will make and take for myself? But first, I must say good-by to the dreams and aspirations for our life that we had so lovingly planned. That can be just as sad and difficult to do as saying good-by to my love. It feels like I died, too. Only, for some reason I am being resurrected. I know that some of those dreams were mine to begin with, so I will attempt to hold on to them. Perhaps tweak them a bit so they will fit better in this new life I am to lead. And speaking of the word "new", are any of you having trouble with that word? In the past, "new" has had a positive meaning to me. At these moments I almost feel guilty that I should feel any positive from my love's passing.

Again, thank you all for taking my hand and walking with me in these times. I know that you all are feeling your own loses and heartbreaks, yet you take the time to be here for me. God bless,

Lucy

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

Lucy,
I have been trying to explain that "wave" you talk about since my husband was diagnosed. Mine comes on when I transition from sleep to awake. It is both physical and emotional. It is fear, anxiety, sadness all rolled into one and is the most awful feeling. After being off zoloft for (started when Terry was diagnosed with brain cancer) about 5 months, I have resumed taking it. Not happy about it but I know when I need some help to get through this. Eventually will get off for good.

I am glad for all the emotional hand-holding I have received on this site. You are all always in my heart.
Becky

lilli1020
Posts: 114
Joined: Jul 2010

Beckymarie....your explanation of feelings when you first wake up in the morning are astoundingly just like mine...I just couldn't put it into words, but you are right on! Same thing every morning and I keep the ativan right beside me to take before I even get out of bed....sorry state of affairs, huh? Gayle

neverquit
Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2010

Lucy, I am so sorry for your loss. It is obvious how much you loved your husband by what you write. Somehow, I think he may have been in your arms when you were dancing. I wish you all the best in life.

Cindy Bear
Posts: 562
Joined: Jul 2009

So sorry for your loss. Your post brought tears to my eyes.. I am picturing you "dancing" with him.. and I sense your anger at him.. for leaving you. Just like I am angry at my mom for leaving us.. Yes I do beleive you are in shock.. because I've come to realize that dying and death are two very different things. As long as someone is alive and you can hear and see, touch and talk to them, there is Hope no matter how ill. "Hope dies last" "Hope the thing with feathers that perches in the soul.." My SIL lost her husband this past August after an 18 mos courageous battle and she is still struggling, still going thru the motions. He was only 58. HE was told up front that he was Stage IV, terminal . They gave him 6 mos. , he lasted 18. But the whole time, thru all the treatments, chemo and radiation, stent, medicines and trips to Er, and drs appts and good news, then bad news.. then the downward slide.. as long as he was alive, we all had that hope and yes some denial. It will take time and tears and you'll have good days and bad. I pray that 2011 brings you some peace and closure and that you find that sign you're looking for. Hugs, Cindy

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