CSN Login
Members Online: 20

A Prayer for the Dying

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

Father God,
Give me the strength to help my husband face death with serenity and grace.
Give us the peace we need to make the most of our time together.
And give us Your love in abundance.
Remind him I am with him to the end.
Amen.

zinniemay's picture
zinniemay
Posts: 534
Joined: Mar 2009

April, I wish peace for you and him. I wish I had words of wisdom to say, the only thing I know for sure is how lucky I am to have found you and been able to walk a little with you . I always say I ask for peace , And I ask for peace for you and Pat.
Love you,
Jennie

Pennymac02's picture
Pennymac02
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2010

Funny how this internet thing works. I feel as though I have friends across the country after posting/lurking a while here.

You and Pat are in my heart. My thoughts are often with you as I go throughout my days, especially lately.

I pray for strength and peace for you, spiritual comfort and wisdom to know what to do. There are no words to help you on your journey; I wish I could just sit with you in the hospital and give you a hug. Update us when you can.
Lots of Love,
Penny

hope0310's picture
hope0310
Posts: 324
Joined: May 2010

April I have been thinking about you guys and looking for an update.

I to pray for strength and peace for you both. Talk to Pat, stroke his face tell him how much you love him. Let him know that it is ok.

I am so sorry for all that you have been through...been there done that with my mom, but cannot imagine it being a spouse....and young at that.

Be good to yourself....Elysia

Love is stronger than death even though
it can't stop death from happening,
but no matter how hard death tries it can't separate people from love.
...It can't take away our memories either.
In the end, life is stronger than death.
-unknown

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

hope0310,
Music to my sad heart. Thank you for posting those words.
Lucy

ketziah35
Posts: 1153
Joined: Jun 2010

April,

I am so sorry that you and Pat are going through this. I will continue to keep you in rayer.

Hugs

Ktz

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

He came home December 30, yesterday. I will be keeping him at home for as long as I can. We are both thinking 6 weeks or less. Thank you for the thoughts and prayers. Just trying to stay present and string for him.

I need a raise (not too bad yet. Humor is still there:))

karenbeth's picture
karenbeth
Posts: 194
Joined: Sep 2010

I'm so sorry you are both going through this. I will continue to send good thoughts and prayers.

cher8871
Posts: 64
Joined: May 2010

i will pray for you to have strength and grace, and pray for pat to have peace! you will be in my thoughts!

cheri

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Hi,
Nice that your husband came home yesterday. How is he doing? This has got to be a better year and hope you have him around for awhile yet. Take care & don't forget tell him you love him.
Missed my hubby, Tom alot last night, especially his kiss at midnight. But I"m glad 2010 is over and hope I never have to go through a year like that again.
Take care!! "Carole:

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1162
Joined: May 2008

for my husband he wanted to be home with his family so thats what i did. It was very hard on me but i am glad i did, Take care, you and your man our in my thoughts and prayers.

michelle

Noellesmom
Posts: 1312
Joined: Aug 2010

Prayers lifted for both you and your husband.

Hugs.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1622
Joined: Aug 2009

I haven't been here for awhile and am mostly lurking now. Since I went through this with my husband, I have some understanding of what you are feeling. Know my thoughts and prayers are with you. Fay

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1622
Joined: Aug 2009

I haven't been here for awhile and am mostly lurking now. Since I went through this with my husband, I have some understanding of what you are feeling. Know my thoughts and prayers are with you. Fay

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

The hospice intake nurse put a priority on getting a home health aide and volunteers to help me out.

She said he probably won't make it to his birthday.

He will be 40 on Feb 1.

Pennymac02's picture
Pennymac02
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2010

No words for this, other than I'm so very, very sorry.
Penny

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

but use of them will get my post flagged and pulled.

Noellesmom
Posts: 1312
Joined: Aug 2010

For the birthday or for a peaceful passing, whenever it is?

Hugs to you. Lots of hugs.

neverquit
Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2010

Like your continued humor. I hope for the best for you and your husband.

angelsbaby's picture
angelsbaby
Posts: 1162
Joined: May 2008

truely sorry

michelle

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Hey, bet I can guess what words they are---------don't worry I won't say cause I don't want to get flagged either. Ha! Just thinking about you and wonder how things are going?? Is your hubby adjusting to the hospice at home? Wish there was something I could do to help you guys. It's such a helpless feeling watching our loved ones suffer, but I think it helps them to know that we'll be there for them no matter what.
Hope you're taking care of yourself during this stressful time.
I let myself go by not eating or sleeping. Now since I've been on meds, I've had some hair loss which is caused from the stress. Luckily my hair was thick, but hopefully it stops. Funny what stress can do. Take care! "Carole"

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

again, I have words to describe what's going on, but use of them will get me flagged, post pulled, and most likely banned.

I am a stressed out frazzled mess. There are soooo many things that are not done that I'm trying to get done, he's on me constantly to do things and do them HIS WAY, and then I have a whole new set of people at hospice that I have to learn names for.

I have no time to take care of myself. He just yelled at me for everyone treating him special and how hard everything is. I have no idea what to do anymore.

Sorry for complaining. I am just so tired.

ketziah35
Posts: 1153
Joined: Jun 2010

You are going through a lot and he is too. Whatever you are feeling is okay. Complain kick scream cry curse - it,s okay.

Luv ktz

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Don't be sorry for complaining. That's what we're here for so you can let your frustrations out to us. Haven't asked you before, but are you taking any meds? And I think talking to a counselor at this time would help too. My counselor said she treats alot of people who are going through the stress of being a caregiver. It's not easy!! Can you get away for a couple hours? Maybe you could go out to eat with some friends and have a relaxing drink too.
You've got to take care of yourself girl!!! I worry about you. Carole

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

About a month ago my love's Onc brought up Hospice. I had researched about it, as I knew that some day we would need and use their help. My love had been dx with extensive sclc in April 2010. He had a difficult time accepting the idea as he didn't know that they could make difficult times easier for both of us. He thought it was just about dying. For two weeks when they began to come for visits, he was doing ok. One week before he passed away, he began to feel pain, was not eating and generally not feeling well. This was about the 10th of Dec. Yes, it was a circus here at the beginning of hospice, appts. for enrollment, intros to his nurse, social worker and chaplain. I just wrote down their names and positions. Around the 17th, my love began to leave this world. We had decided a while back that it may be better for me that he pass at the hospice instead of at home. Through that weekend my precious daughter was here and was able to care for her daddy, meds, bathing, assisting in walking. We did shifts as my love began to transition and became quite restless at times. At any point that we had a question, worry or concern, hospice was a phone call away. In the middle of Sunday night his pain began to intensify and I just called them, they gave me morphine instructions and to go ahead and put him on the oxygen to help and make him more comfortable. When they first came out weeks before they had ordered and placed meds and oxygen equipment. No one believed that we would be needing these so soon. By early morning my love's nurse arrived. His pain was getting a bit stronger so she ordered the "big guns" pain meds which were delivered to our door in less than 30 minutes. I phoned family and friends and soon my close family began to arrive. The chaplain arrived. My daughter and I had not slept in over 48 hrs. With my love in no pain and resting, we were able to sleep for a few hrs., knowing that he was being taken excellent care of by his nurse, and being loved and prayed for by our family. Yes, at 8:30 pm on Monday the 20th he left this world. His final hours were pain free. Sadly, no more words from him, but the whole 2 days before he repeatedly said how much he loved and adored me. Loved our children and grandbaby. As he took his last breaths, our room was filled with love and a calm. Yes we all cried, yes our hearts were breaking. I am so glad that a greater power made the decision for my love to pass in his home, in our bed. The bed that we loved in, shared in, argued in and spent many beautiful hours of our lives in. Nothing could have been more natural. And now I feel so much comfort and love in my bed. It is a very special place for me now, and I have not felt uneasy or traumatized by it. Of course, this has been right for me, and may not be for anyone else.
I want to share with you what happened to me the last 3 days of his life. I, too, was over-stressed, not being appreciated at times, missing the joy that was our life before the "Beast" entered. But on those last days something came over me. The adrenaline, energy, grace from God, call it what you like, took every negative thought and feeling away. I was being given the honor and gift to be the one to care and love this man that had cared and loved me for almost 30 yrs.! I was the one to administer meds to ease his pain. I bathed him. I gave him ice chips and put chap stick on his lips. All the time telling thank you for all the years of our lives together. Did I cry? Yes. But soon that "grace" I told you about would calm my tears and hurt. When he passed away, both my children and I were in the bed with him, with the rest of the family surrounding us. We played Keith Urban's "Making Memories Of Us", a song my love really felt touched his life. The passed 8 months of the struggle with the "Beast" were over. All the strife and conflict gone. Just peace and love floated in our room.
Be kind and patient with yourself. As this song says "you've been stretched to the limit". Embrace Hospice, as with their assistance you may be able to give a little to yourself, so that when time comes you will be strong and be in a place of calm, where you will be able to be the loving woman that you have always been to him in his time of need.
It's been 2 weeks now, and I miss my love terribly. And I get angry. And I'm still tired. I guess because now I have to be my own caregiver, and love and comfort myself. I am surrounded by love from family and friends, but it doesn't take away the deep loss I feel. But I am able to say that I loved him, I honored him and cared for him to the end of his journey, and somehow that gives me comfort.
Sending you hugs and best wishes,
Lucy

Noellesmom
Posts: 1312
Joined: Aug 2010

Just lots of hugs.

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Lucy,
I'm sure because of your love and the love of your kids, that your hubby was able to go in peace knowing that you'd be okay.
I am still sleeping with one of the last shirts that Tom had worn. Haven't even washed it cause I can still smell his aftershave on it. Is this crazy?? But I give you so much credit for being able to sleep in the same bed that he died in. I hate even looking at the bathroom floor where I laid him down while he was collapsing. Everything happened so fast we didn't have a chance to say goodbye.
We're lucky to have great kids, cause I'd hate to have to go through this without them, wouldn't you?? They and my 3 grandsons are what helps to keep me going. I miss Tom so much and can't believe it'll be a year in March since I lost him.
Take care and keep coming to this sight.
Carole

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

My love was a Kyle Busch fan. I know in the NASCAR world he antagonized many! Well, his Jacket that bore all the # 18 sponsors, M&M's the largest, has kept me warm almost every night since he left! I'm a Jeff Gordon fan and just recently a Juan P. Montoya fan, as my daddy is from Columbia SA! But having so many #18 fan gear, I might just follow Kyle this coming year, just to antagonize our friends!
We hold, smell and cling to what our love's were. Nothing "funky" about that. It is all natural.
My dear, try to look at that floor as the place where the ultimate love transpired. I know it hurts, but try.
My children are my rock, and when I look at my granddaughter, I see so much of Grampy, that I know I will never forget him, his smile, his "impishness", for it radiates from her, and our two grown children.

Hugs back,

Lucy

Barbara53's picture
Barbara53
Posts: 659
Joined: Aug 2009

Lucy, I am so sorry for your loss, but so glad you shared your beautiful story. It brought back my father's last days, which were much more peaceful that what had come before. His last night, I sang him hymns for long enough so that's what I remember now. It's good.

skipper85's picture
skipper85
Posts: 231
Joined: Sep 2010

My sister was cared for at home by hospice but there was no way I would have been able to care for my husband at home so he went to the hospice center and I stayed there most days and nights until he passed.

My heart goes out to you Lucy. I know the emptiness you feel and the physical and mental exhaustion from the wonderful job you did taking care of your husband. Although my exhaustion was only emotional I can only imagine what you are going through now.

((GIANT HUGS TO YOU))

Skipper

cher8871
Posts: 64
Joined: May 2010

april, how are you today? hoping you are less stressed and frazzled! prayers for you and pat! he's too damn young for this......

love,
cheri

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

I personally am doing ok. The HHA came yesterday so that's a weight off. But I'm starting to see the decline. It hurts and scares me and makes me angry. All I can do is love him and be with him.

Had friends planning on visiting today - just told me to tell them not to come; come tomorrow. When I called them, they said next week. It's interesting to try to get across to someone that you need to see him now before he gets worse with out saying exactly that because he is sitting right beside me.

He started using his walker.

Crap.

luz del lago's picture
luz del lago
Posts: 452
Joined: Jul 2010

Hoping for a good day for you both.

Lucy

neverquit
Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2010

April, Wish I cold say something that would help you. I feel the same fear and hurt when I see my husband decline or when he can't do something he used to do so easily. Just keep loving him and being with him. In the end, that's what matters.

Many hugs.

skipper85's picture
skipper85
Posts: 231
Joined: Sep 2010

Hi April:

Before my husband passed on Thursday he was at a hospice center. I don't know how you can keep it together caring for him at home. You are one helluva woman. Do you have any family or friends that can help or give you some respite time? Paul was only in hospice 10 days before he passed. It took a whole team of people to care for him. The decline was so rapid I can't even describe it. Your husband may be barking out orders now - remember his voice - as time goes on he'll get to a whisper, then hand signals and then no response. So you are right. People can't put off visiting. The reason he is yelling at you is because he's losing control and he's really pissed off. It has nothing to do with his feelings for you.

When the hospice nurse comes go out for a bit and get some fresh air - even if it snows. Try and spend more time in the shower and just close your eyes and feel the warm water soothe your body. I do a lot of praying in the shower - also in the car. Pamper yourself whenever you can - even if it's just eating some ice cream or hot chocolate.

I'm so sorry you and your husband have to go through this. I am glad Paul is gone and is no longer suffering but I'm also very sad and lost. The hospice people here are wonderful. I hope you are having the same experience. I couldn't care for Paul at home but my sister's family cared for her at home and it took 4 of them. As your husband declines maybe you can get more help from hospice. My sister had a hospice nurse and a health aide come every day. Don't be afraid to tell hospice you can't handle it or need more help. That's what they are there for. They help the whole family - not just the patient.

My prayers are with you April. I know only too well what you are experiencing. You're a brave woman. Your husband loves you even if he yells at you. He just doesn't know how to cope with what's happening to him. Tell him you love him and give him as much hugging as he'll permit.
Hugging is very important for you too.

Keep us posted.

(((MEGA HUGS, PRAYERS & LOVE)))

Skipper

cher8871
Posts: 64
Joined: May 2010

april, i know what you mean, about not being able to say, "you need to come now, before it's too late". much love and thoughts for you and pat! i know i don't really know you but feel that if we lived close we would be great friends. here's hoping for a good day for you both.

cheri

Barbara53's picture
Barbara53
Posts: 659
Joined: Aug 2009

Don't waste your breath on phone calls you don't really want to make. Put together an email list and send posts telling it like it is. If you want to see him, come now, enter and leave in peace within an hour, and be prepared to pray. Invite cards and phone calls (specify hours). Now. Soon he's gonna withdraw and totally lose interest in all that stuff.

Crap. Great word.

Cindy Bear
Posts: 564
Joined: Jul 2009

I am so sorry. I can only imagine how hard this is on you. I know it sounds selfish, but it almost makes me glad my mother went so quickly and unexpectedly.. yes she had cancer(uterine) yes stage IV but she was going for treatments, we were told those treatments were working and then suddenly she was in the hospital in horrible pain and there was "nothing they could do" so they stuck her in the Palliative ICU . She didn't last the day. We can all guess the words you don't have to say them. I've said them many times .. My BIl passed away at home this past August from esoph. cancer. He refused to go to hospice..I think he was in denial till the end. He didn't want to die, who does when they are 58. My SIL took care of him at home.. but it took a toll on her even with 2 grown stepsons, her BIL and his best buddy and a few other close friends helping.. running errands, staying with him so she could work. she worked up until 2 wks before he passed... she saw the signs that his time was running out.. change in breathing, sleeping more and more, throwing up more.. I wish for a peaceful painless passing for your husband. I pray that God continues to give you strength.
Hugs, Cindy

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

April,
No update today, so hope everything is okay. Seems like everyone has bad news lately. Sure hope you hang in there and don't lose hope. When I read all these posts from everyone who have to watch their loved ones suffer, I kind of feel lucky that Tom went suddenly even though it was a horrible way to die. I don't think I could've been as strong as you going through all of this. Take care of yourself!! 'Carole"

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

winter used to be my favorite time of year. I'm starting to rethink that whole idea.

Noellesmom
Posts: 1312
Joined: Aug 2010

With a name like yours, how could winter possibly be your favorite time of the year, Girl?

Spring, spring, spring...well, except for the tornadoes, it's a great time of the year!

Hugs!

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

because my birthday is in December :) also like the cold, the snow, the lights at Christmas. The list goes on.

Noellesmom
Posts: 1312
Joined: Aug 2010

We have your snow :)

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

don't remind me ha ha. getting it tomorrow. icky.

neverquit
Posts: 221
Joined: Oct 2010

We used to love winter too. We would spend every Thursday night on Ski Patrol as volunteers as well as every (and I mean every) Saturday and Sunday that Camelback was open. Mike was able to help teach the new candidates a couple of times in the Fall and actually helped in the Patrol room a few days before Christmas. Mike loves Ski Patrolling and is so good at it. Now he can barely get out of bed and his pain is so bad.

Unfortunately for you April, it looks like the storm is going to hit you guys more North of us now. The first time I am happy we won't get much snow here.

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1561
Joined: Nov 2009

Hello Mswijiknyc
You are doing and have done a wonderful job for your husband. He could not have asked for better. Take advantage of hospice yourself, they will help you to understand what you are going through and what to expect. Listen to your husband, honor his wishes, give him your blessing. Tell him how much you love him. This will make it easier for him. The friends?....sometimes it is better for them to stay away, remember him as he was. He does not want them to see him this way. If he is like my dad was, he is so doped up on pain meds he does not know who he is or who anyone else is. This is how they have to deal with the pain. Using his walker is ok, thank God he has one to use! Hang in there. We are with you both in prayer.
Tina in Va

skipper85's picture
skipper85
Posts: 231
Joined: Sep 2010

Just dropping in to send hugs and prayers. Want you to know that I'm always thinking about you guys. I hope your husband finds the peace he deserves.

(((MEGA HUGS)))

Skipper

Subscribe with RSS
About Cancer Society

The content on this site is for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Do not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease without consulting with a qualified healthcare provider. Please consult your healthcare provider with any questions or concerns you may have regarding your condition. Use of this online service is subject to the disclaimer and the terms and conditions.

Copyright 2000-2014 © Cancer Survivors Network