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Lost in the Sea

zinniemay's picture
zinniemay
Posts: 534
Joined: Mar 2009

I feel lost in a sea , not knowing what to say or do. Each way I go seams sad . I feel alone , I know I am not but still deep inside me is a place no one would want to go. I see people chatting but it is like air blowing in my head around and around. I don't like the saddness I feel but somehow can not control it. I worry about my husband , I worry about the what if's or can I go on . Sometimes I feel like going to a Mountain top and screaming , then think. well ain't that just silly . Then I think I will dream of the places we always said we would go, now seams so pointless . I lay down and try as hard as I can to sleep , but thoughts run on and on .
People talk about what their families do and don't do for them . How does one decided if one has done enough or done anything at all? I am not sure I wonder if I was ever there for them ? Did I do enough.
As you read this you will see I am so lost. I am not sure if the Army could find me and if them di Would I know or care. I am not always sure of myself . My brainn seams hell bend on being lost . I am not sure how to turn it on or off. I heard some one say Let's run of to Greece, and there goes my brain thinking dang the only Grease I see is in the bottom of a pan. I am sure If I try harder I could help someone else in pain to let them know they are not alone. But does that mean I would have to share my Debbie Cakes? I am not good with sharing my feeling I can't even think of sharing my fears or dreams with anyone .
So Sometimes I face fear with humor, as scared as I maybe It is better to me to make them think I am a joking than let them see me cry.
Lost At sea.........Come find me ......brang Debbie Cakes.......

Words excape my my brain but they can be found in my heart if you look close enough

Barbara53's picture
Barbara53
Posts: 659
Joined: Aug 2009

ZM, you have such an honest heart, you are such a true and honest woman, that we are all priviledged to have you here. I would like to make you a batch of home made butterscotch brownies with pecans, and we can eat the whole pan warm out of the oven, because they crumble if you try to cut them too soon anyway.

Sure of yourself? Now that you bring it up, I don't think caregivers get much of that. We gotta wing it. Good luck today. In some small but important way, tomorrow will be better.

zinniemay's picture
zinniemay
Posts: 534
Joined: Mar 2009

I am always so lost , Some times I think that is what keeps me grounded is as bad as I feel and scare and lonely I come on here and some one always seam to know something positive to say . You did that and more. You had me at Buttersctch!
Somedays we get down and seams like a long way to even try to get back up. I sure seam to have many days like that and I do not like it! I want to be the one that comes in and saves the day but I know that does not happen in real life. We are lucky to make it to the next one.
Thank you Barbara it is not a job I would wish on anyone, but sure feel blessed to not have to be so alone. it is like we wing it everyday, some good and some not so good.

mswijiknyc's picture
mswijiknyc
Posts: 421
Joined: Oct 2010

The best part - they have alcohol!

I joke a lot about drinking, I really never do. I know what you are feeling and what you are going through. I don't say it often enough, but I am so privileged to have you in my life. I am so thankful i got to meet you and you count me as your friend.

I think of you everyday. If you need me I'm here, no matter what.

April

Pennymac02's picture
Pennymac02
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2010

I really get a lot out of the things you post here. You have a very real way of putting into words the things I'm feeling, and always have a kind word for everyone. I think you should give yourself a break

One of the hard lessons I've learned is to not compare my insides with other peoples outsides. Some days I'm just positive that everyone else has their sh** together except me. I feel lost more often than not, too. I suspect that most of us do.

You told me that our motto was just one day at a time. These past few days its been more like one hour at a time for me. At any given time, we're all doing the best we can with what we know. No more. no less. Our job is just to do the possible part. Its God's job to do the impossible stuff.

I think you aren't giving yourself enough credit. Plus, you gave me permission to eat LD Swiss Cake Rolls if I want to. You're not lost at sea, Darling, we all are in the same boat with you...
Penny

zinniemay's picture
zinniemay
Posts: 534
Joined: Mar 2009

Some times I cry for the feeling I have seam so selfish , I want my husband to live more than anything, I watch you all struggle and I can not find word to comfort you or make sense out of all this.
I am not a active person I don't go muc , this is my sounding board. My neice finally came over after almost two years , she said some pretty alful things to me about me , and I have to dig inside of myside, I have ebeen mad and angry since my dad died in 1994 and four years later to lose my big sister, then my oldr brother and in 2007 my mom, I feel like the world has crahsed in on me. I know I am not alone in these feeling, I also lost my neice that I was closest to she was 29 died of a over dose in 2005 she was my brothers only child. And like a daughter to me and my husband when we thought we could not have children. I had four miscarriages three before my daughter was born. now This with my husband . It is like just getting slapped and slapped over and over and sometimes I wonder in my heart if I could just lay down. I get tired, I never know the right words to say to my own family .... I have always felt like the black sheep .
My sister complained to me one final time about poor neice and I was mad I said , no one ever said poor Jennie , I asked her or said did she ever once think of me? That Maybe one day I would like to trade places just to know what it was like to have two legs, to get up from bed and just walk to the bath room not have to spend five ,ten minutes strapping on a leg just to go to the bathroom. Did she eveer wonder what it was like to have to crawl into the bath and hold your arms are strong enought to lift your body out of the tub. She ever wonder what it was like not to be able to just stand and take a shower. Somethings as caregivers we take for granted. Do me this is my life. no flip flops , no high heels no pretty out fits to mask my disfigured body. A Birth defect , So I do get what it is like to be different. And some times I lash out angry cause I may not know cancer but I know the oain of feeling different and knowing some people will except me others will pity me and others will be ashamed of me. Now I facee this with my husband and I know the emomentional part so well. I know the feeling of being shaired at make fun of.. I know the sarcasim I do to protect my feeling so that others can't hurt me anymore.
So not everyone has to have cancer to know what you are going threw or how hard it is. For me I get the new double whimmy cause what they could not except in me they use now not to except my husband. We are not bad people...

ketziah35
Posts: 1143
Joined: Jun 2010

You should read my last post "family Sabbatical". This was suPposed to be a good Xmas and it was one of the worst for me. I am snowed in with a bunch of idiots, No chocolate ciz they ate all the choc chip cookies. A lot of people are having inner conflicts right now. After eating the Debbie cakes go out for a walk and get 15 min of fresh air. It sounds like evEryone is getting the winter blues. Don't eat too many Debbie Cales. You have to fit in the bikini soon.

Noellesmom
Posts: 1279
Joined: Aug 2010

Jennie, I am sorry you are feeling so down right now. You have had a rough time of it for awhile now and it is understandable you are feeling exhausted.

Things will change, things will get worse, things will improve, life will go on. Trust me, I do know how that can wear a body down, birth defect or no.

Families accept us, families reject us, children grow up and make choices we would not have them make. Parents age and die; siblings have struggles with which we try to help but cannot.

Life itself is nebulous and fascinating, hurtful and healing. All we caregivers are asking for is a loved one who is well and the ability to be grateful for every day we have with them.

Wish I could wisk all caregivers off on a Caribbean cruise with all the Little Debbie cakes, mudslides and whatever else we can dream up!

Maybe one day!

ketziah35
Posts: 1143
Joined: Jun 2010

Not the Caribbean! We all want to go to Greece. God Bless!

Noellesmom
Posts: 1279
Joined: Aug 2010

As long as it is balmy there!

karenbeth's picture
karenbeth
Posts: 194
Joined: Sep 2010

"I see people chatting but it is like air blowing in my head around and around" I know what you mean--I have that same feeling often, like there is a huge distance between me and other people. I had a whole conversation recently with someone and then later couldn't remember a thing she said--must have been the air blowing all her words out of my head...

You may be lost at sea but at least you are on a big boat with lots of others to keep you company.

Karen

DitZy2
Posts: 38
Joined: Dec 2010

Zinnie my heart goes out to you, it sounds like you have been through so much, I can't even comprehend it. I'm so sorry we all have to deal with this pain of watching our loved ones suffer, but I am so relieved I'm not alone in my thoughts. Most days I feel so alone and helpless, other days I feel so angry and confused. I'm a ping pong ball that just keeps bouncing all over the place.

You're in my prayers!

DitZy2
Posts: 38
Joined: Dec 2010

Zinnie my heart goes out to you, it sounds like you have been through so much, I can't even comprehend it. I'm so sorry we all have to deal with this pain of watching our loved ones suffer, but I am so relieved I'm not alone in my thoughts. Most days I feel so alone and helpless, other days I feel so angry and confused. I'm a ping pong ball that just keeps bouncing all over the place.

You're in my prayers!

zinniemay's picture
zinniemay
Posts: 534
Joined: Mar 2009

Thank you all, Some days I get lost in a sea of saddiness And words just come out sometimes they are what I want to say and sometimes I am not sure what I said. Like a roller coaster all these things just pop in and out of my head. I am sad that I feel this way but glad to know that it is a almost normal feeling , so I am not going completely nuts. That does make me feel somewhat better . And yet sad to know I am not alone that others are feeling this too.
I most days like my life and happy with myself. but there are days that I just can't seam to pull it together . Now I think maybe that is just what it is a day that will pass and I just need to remember there will be good ones and bad ones. So I am going to buy stock in the Debbie cake Company so I will be rich and give it all away!!! As long As I have my friends and Debbie cakes I will figure out the rest.
Thank you for making my day......
Jennie

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