Prayers for the next few days please.

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LivingFaith
LivingFaith Member Posts: 74
edited March 2014 in Esophageal Cancer #1
Please pray, at least one more time for me.

Dad may be free from his suffering but I feel like I have been hit by a bus! Pray for strength and comfort to get through these next few days. The Vigil is Weds night and the funeral is Thursday at 1pm CST.

I thought I would feel more relief from dad being free now. I'm more numb, dazed, and exhausted after not sleeping for 2 days. The images of him at the end are haunting. I want to cry and scream but it is too hard on my mom and little girls to see me cry and I mean "really cry". That part sucks. I don't want to be strong and supportive to anybody right now. I want my dad. I want my big tall strong dad that would wrap his arms around me and let me cry on his chest, and squeeze me tight. Yes, I know he is "with me" but I want my dad physically with me while I go through this. That's the crappiest part. The person I need the most right now is the person who is gone. I've been so worried about caring for him these last few months that it didn't even occur to me that I would want/need him to support and care for me now.

Someday soon I would like to share my dad's story about his death and our hospital experience. Not to scare anyone but to inform everyone what can happen and to help them be prepared and possibly plan for it. I almost want to make a check list or a "how to" sheet of being an advocate for when your love one is in the hospital or hospice.

There are some very happy, touching, amazing parts as well, not all bad experiences. I will say that the actual moment my dad passed away was peaceful and quiet. I had left the room to make a call and my mom was on the phone in his room. When she hung up and looked over at him he was gone. Dad hated being fussed over so he waited until be weren't watching and kind of "snuck out" hand in hand with Jesus and his angels to fly free.

God, I love that man so much!

Deb

Comments

  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #2
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  • sal314
    sal314 Member Posts: 599 Member
    #3
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    I'll Be Praying for You More Than Once!
    Deb,

    I'm sure the next several days will be hard, if not harder than the last few. I know it's hard to find time for yourself to really grieve when you have kids and other family members to take care of. I've heard that a good place to do the heavy duty grieving is in the shower. May want to give it a try?

    Anyway...I'd love to hear your story whenever you're ready to share it. Since someday we (my mom and I) will be heading down that road, it would be priceless information to have. Thank you for being so open and willing to share it.

    Prayers and a BIG Cyber Hug to You!

    Sally
  • unclaw2002
    unclaw2002 Member Posts: 599
    #4
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    Deb,
    You have those prayers
    Deb,

    You have those prayers and give yourself the time to really cry even if you have to drive somewhere by yourself (Of course it is so darn cold don't know if that is practical depending on where you live). Anyway you do need to be able to grieve in your own way and how you need to. I am sure you will be there for the rest of the family --- but find someone who you can lean on as well and if all else fails we are here. Vent away - either on the board in or in private emails. I will be happy to help . . . as a daughter of a dad I understand some of what you are going through though not everything . . . so message me if you need anything.

    Hugs and prayers,
    Cindy
  • rmitchell
    rmitchell Member Posts: 94
    #5
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    prayer
    Deb
    I will be praying for you. My husband had surgery on Friday and is doing well so far.
    Reba
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #6
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  • linda1120
    linda1120 Member Posts: 389
    #7
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    rmitchell said:

    prayer
    Deb
    I will be praying for you. My husband had surgery on Friday and is doing well so far.
    Reba

    Prayers
    Deb, My prayers are with you. It is so important for you to grieve. You have been an amazing daughter.

    Linda
  • oriontj
    oriontj Member Posts: 375
    #8
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    The incredible bond between a daughter
    and her Father is so special. I will pray for you for strength in the coming days. My Father has been gone over 20 years but I know what you mean when you say I want him with me...so I can see and touch him...

    jan
  • Donna70
    Donna70 Member Posts: 852 Member
    #9
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    oriontj said:

    The incredible bond between a daughter
    and her Father is so special. I will pray for you for strength in the coming days. My Father has been gone over 20 years but I know what you mean when you say I want him with me...so I can see and touch him...

    jan

    Deb just take a deep breath and get thru these first days
    Deb,
    You are being overwhelmed with so much right now. Give yourself a break. If you need to cry get in the shower and let it all out. Don't hold it in. Go to a distant room and let it out. This is a traumatic experience. After I was with my Dad his last 12 hours, I had the same thing. Images of him not breathing right, running up to nurses and begging for pain meds for him. Later I realized it is a form of post traumatic stress that you undergo when a person passes and it is not all peaceful. I am glad at the end it was peaceful. But right now, just take the next step and then the next step to get thru these first days. Ask for help, don't try to do everything yourself. When people offer take them up on it. One thing that helped me afterwards was I would take my Dad's picture and sit in my bedroom, light a candle and talk to him and God. It calmed me down. Your bond with your Dad was a beautiful one, as so many daughters can say and how lucky you were to have a strong loving father. Take your hugs from all, remember if there are men or boys in the family to pay attention to them. I have noticed over the years and too many funerals that sometimes the women are given the attention and we forget the sons and brothers are mourning but holding it in too. Come here and vent your feelings. It will take time but the images of your Dad's last days will change into happy memories and maybe even dreams with him in them. prayers for you and your family,
    Donna70
  • 3Mana
    3Mana Member Posts: 811
    #10
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    Stressful time
    Deb,
    So sorry to hear about your dad. These next few days are going to be stressful so try to be there for your mom. You were so good to him and I'm sure it's going to be hard to be without him. No matter how long they're sick and even if you know the end is near, it's never easy to let go of them.
    I hope someday you do tell us the story about his death and hospital experience. Please be strong these next few days and the coming months. God Bless you & your family!
    "Carole"
  • LivingFaith
    LivingFaith Member Posts: 74
    #11
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    3Mana said:

    Stressful time
    Deb,
    So sorry to hear about your dad. These next few days are going to be stressful so try to be there for your mom. You were so good to him and I'm sure it's going to be hard to be without him. No matter how long they're sick and even if you know the end is near, it's never easy to let go of them.
    I hope someday you do tell us the story about his death and hospital experience. Please be strong these next few days and the coming months. God Bless you & your family!
    "Carole"

    Thanks
    Thank you all from the bottom of my heartbroken heart for your prayers and posts these last few days. My dad's funeral was Thursday. I know I was being lifted up in prayer as I felt like I was floating at times.

    Taking care of my dad,researching everything I could on EC, and at the end on how to keep him comfortable, consumed so much of my time and thoughts. It is very strange to be back home today and not have that to do.

    I still want to post more of my dad's journey at the end when I'm up to it. I really learned so much and think it could be of value to others.

    This board has meant the world to me these last 5 months.

    Blessings,

    Deb

    Rest in Peace Dad!

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