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Not sure I like who I have become and I KNOW my husband does not!!!

hope0310's picture
hope0310
Posts: 324
Joined: May 2010

Obviously, I knew from the day mom was dx that I would be forever changed, then once she past, again, forever changed in a new way.

Not sure I like me. I am cold to my husband. Everything he does irks me.

I don't know why, but today I saw it all clear and will TRY to make a conscious effort to change.

Just for a little history - my mom was dx March 1st, went on hospice Aug 6th, passed away Sept 23. HIS MOM - dx June 28th, went on hospice 2 days after mom lost her fight and then she dies on Oct 24th.

SO......we both have been through ALOT!!!!

Anybody else???
ELysia

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

I lost my husband June 2010 and I too don't like the person I've become. There is an anger that I don't know where to direct. I have so little patience with my 85 yr old mother who is so worried and conerned about me. Some days are okay and I feel like I am making progress and then other days I am in such a slump. Can't wait for these holidays to be over. Oh well, another day almost over....

Carolinagal's picture
Carolinagal
Posts: 88
Joined: May 2010

My dad was diagnosed in Oct. of 2009 with head and neck cancer, had massive surgery Dec. 17th. We didn't leave the hospital until the 28th. He had 6 weeks of radiation. He had lots of issues during radiation.He had lots of "infections". He was given lots of antibiotics. Things got so bad he couldn't lift his head. May 19 we were told the cancer was back and in his brain. He had 3 chemo treatments to help control symptoms. He contracted c-diff, given more antibiotics, chemo stopped. He died July 11,2010. He was 59.
I know I'm not the same. When I'm not sad, I'm angry. I wish that I could understand WHY. Why did he have to suffer through the surgery and recovery, rads and chemo, and still die?Why him?
I was there when he died. It was a peaceful passing - my mama was talking quietly to him about heaven, his breathing changed and he was gone. It felt almost as miraculous as when my children were born. That day wasn't hard. I had seen him suffer and was glad that it was over. However now, I'm angry. My mother is alone. I don't have a dad (here). My children don't have their Grandpa. Life is going on all around me and I am stuck. I don't know how to move on. I see it play over and over in my mind and it kills me. Like you, I think I'm taking it out on my husband. He is the person I lash out at most. I don't feel like I have a choice in my sadness but, I don't have to be mean.
I look forward to the day when I can laugh and not notice it.
I wish you the best as you move forward!

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

I think that is a good term to describe where I am..Stuck. I do not wish brain cancer on any one, but I often wonder "Why my husband"? Why does it seem like everyone's life gets move on and mine is stuck. At 57 out lives where at a turning point. We were done paying for college educations and we were ready to embrace a new stage in our life...now nothing. It would be nice if we could get some answers to why this happens to certain people. Guess we will never know.

missyoumom2010
Posts: 5
Joined: Dec 2010

Wow wow wow, I feel the same way just angry and upset. That our loved ones for me my mom a wonderful mom,grandmother,friend and etc, had to die from cancer. We fought for three yrs. Went to bed and woke up different over nite! When you have a child your life changes forever it's never the same, you never get your life back. When you loose your loved one your life change forever it's never the same you life is different all together. My opionion cancer is so evil. It's just like aids they have a cure for cancer just want top dollar. My mom fought till the end looked the same until the end took care of herself despite the many treatments of chemo and radiation. I was there every step of the way every appt. We had alot of ruff roads I just knew my mom would live longer. Personally I think the last treatment of radation aggrevated and damaged everything. And the kicker is it was radation on one area of the brain for three weeks 5min everyday. I brought my mom to live with me the past few weeks of her life until her last breathe she passed away at home. Im not happy,aggrevated,sad all the above. My kids don't have there grandmother who traveled,spoiled taught and all the above for and with them. SO UNFAIR! You don't heal you just learn to get peace with it. mY MOM PASSED November 14,2010 her bday November 18. Would have been 67!

My prayers to everyone!

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Hi ELysia,
It's horrible going through losing someone we love. The trauma of seeing them suffer is bad enough, but when they lose their battle after fighting so hard, it's just not fair.
As for how you're feeling towards your husband, that's normal also. I went through the same thing in 1989 when my mom died of pancreatic cancer 2 months after diagnosis right before Christmas & my dad passed away in 1990 right after Christmas from lung cancer. It's like my whole body shut down. My husband was great and understood and really supported me. Wish I would've gone for counseling then. Now with Tom (hubby) passing away this past March, my body is going through it again. But the counselor I'm seeing has helped so much. Also after coming on this site and talking to people, I realized that we all feel the same.
You'll never forget, but it does get easier. I'll be glad when the holidays are over, but did decorate my house yesterday cause I know Tom would want me to do it.
Take care & please don't think you're alone!!! Carole

hope0310's picture
hope0310
Posts: 324
Joined: May 2010

....but hate that you all are in the same boat!!

I am not so much taking things out on him.....more like, shutting him out.

Maybe I am kidding myself, but I think and so do my kids, that I am dealing with my loss much better than anticipated. Yes, it sucks beyond belief, but I lived every moment in the moment with mom and "digested or dealt" with everything along the way. Mom and I have ALWAYS been close and best friends.....there was nothing left unsaid and no regrets of any kind. So I keep telling myself that I am "ok"........

Am I???

Noellesmom
Posts: 1270
Joined: Aug 2010

There is safety in not letting someone else too close. Maybe that is part of what is going on here, hope.

You, however, seem to believe two things - that you have gotten through this much better than anticipated while at the same time admitting you are hurting your husband (and, thereby, yourself) by keeping him at a distance.

There are issues here someone much better qualified than I could help you deal with. Consider seeing a counselor, bereavement or otherwise, to get to the bototm of this new "attitude" you have towards your husband.

I'm sorry you are going through this - I know it is very difficult to grieve two deaths at the same time. Your discussed treatment of your husband is because you know you are safe with him, that he will be there for you, but be careful not to abuse that trust.

Hugs.

Pennymac02's picture
Pennymac02
Posts: 336
Joined: Aug 2010

Last year I rode in the ambulance that transported my mom to hospice on 12/14. She passed away of breast cancer on the 21st. I just got word that they will air ambulance my husband who is suffering from primary liver cancer to the transplant center; you'll never guess on what date.

I'm wishing that Christmas would go away and leave me alone this year. I feel like I haven't begun to work through the grief of losing my mom because I've been so busy being caregiver to my husband.

rubyslippers
Posts: 53
Joined: Jul 2010

My mum passed away four months ago of Ovarian cancer she was 61 and only found out two and half weeks before she passed away that she had it. It was a rare aggressive tumour and was so big at the end it was just awful for her and us. I am a completely different person now, my husband hates the new me to the point we are talking about splitting up. My husband thinks I should be over this now and when I sit down and get upset he ask, whats a matter!!! I dont like him to be close to me. I dont like who I am now, Im on anti depressants and sleeping tab, back to work and trying to catch up with my studying, trying to nice to my three children and in my mind im screaming its all so irrelevant, whats the point of it all, I am also seeing a councillor. I was so pleased to read your post in a funny sort of way, cos I dont feel like abnormal. I miss my mum so much and its so painful, goodl luck hun and Im sorry I cant offer words of support but I can say you are not alone
love Kris xxxx

hope0310's picture
hope0310
Posts: 324
Joined: May 2010

Penny...I am sorry to hear your news, I know some of your story from caregivers board..

Rubyslippers, I get you completely!!! WE are not alone and not the only ones I am sure. We have not discussed, but I too have thought of bailing.....

I tried to be normal this past weekend...hubby oldest son and his GF went on a ski trip..I do not ski, tore up my knee in 15 minutes and will be at the ortho doc tomorrow..but that is not the point.

I had a complete melt down this morning leaving Snowshoe...I ALWAYS would call mom when I got to or left a "destination"...(at 47 yrs old mind you, she was my rock, my best friend!!).I realized I could not do that and lost it. Then I relived when Mimi (moms mom) patted her hand and told her she loved her and would see her on heaven...tears rolling both times. Hubby asks whats wrong and I look at him with daggers!!!

Forever changed but so in need of healing.

I am on anti depressant, my brother has told me from the beginning that mine are not working....

Hugs to all.....

Elysia

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

Elysia,
I was on anti-depressants when my husband was diagnosed, was on them for about 18 mos. It took several adjustments of the dosage before they finally worked. If you feel they are not quite doing the job, call your doctor and maybe they need a slight increase or a different type.
Hang on...things have to get better, right?

hope0310's picture
hope0310
Posts: 324
Joined: May 2010

I am on zoloft .5 I also have clonopin which scares me...60 pills prescribed in April...still have 25 left. Typically use just to sleep...

I just want to wake up to normalcy, and i know that is not going to happen. Had a major melt down last night, just miss my mom so much,cannot even describe. I know sometimes I act like I am the first person in the world to deal with this, and I am sorry, but it IS the first time I have dealt with it.....and it SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hope0310's picture
hope0310
Posts: 324
Joined: May 2010

I am on zoloft .5 I also have clonopin which scares me...60 pills prescribed in April...still have 25 left. Typically use just to sleep...

I just want to wake up to normalcy, and i know that is not going to happen. Had a major melt down last night, just miss my mom so much,cannot even describe. I know sometimes I act like I am the first person in the world to deal with this, and I am sorry, but it IS the first time I have dealt with it.....and it SUCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lilli1020
Posts: 114
Joined: Jul 2010

Ativan is the only thing getting me through some of the day sometimes....I just hope one day I won't need it, but for now I definately do and tell myself it's ok. That or go insane!
Gayle

ketziah35
Posts: 1138
Joined: Jun 2010

Can I PM you?

hope0310's picture
hope0310
Posts: 324
Joined: May 2010

Anytime....

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