Always something...... ****UPDATE...SEEN EYE DOC*****

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idlehunters
idlehunters Member Posts: 1,787 Member
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
I have had so much stuff going on in my life lately that I am just...tired..fed up. It's not even all cancer related either... Personal stuff with my brother has about did it. I find myself crying so much lately and that makes me feel weak. NOT in control. NOT me. I always smile. Not so much lately.

I have not mentioned that I have been having episodes of blind spots in both eyes at the same time followed by headache. I can see on the perimeter of my eye but not directly in the center. It started about 3 months ago but just happened occasionally. Lasts about 20 minutes and then clears up. Weird. But it has been happening about every other day now. A few times I had to pull over because I could not see to drive. Figured I better mention to Onc..which I did the other day and he wants me to see an Opthomologist first. That is scheduled for tomorrow morning. Of course I think brain tumor first... wouldn't we all? Onc said it could be many many things NOT cancer related. My CEA has always been a good indicator for me IF there is a problem and it has continued to go down since my Cyberknife. At 6.2 last count. So I am trying to stay positive and praying for the best possible news tomorrow.

My poop WAS being so good...that's over!!! Onc said I can take up to 20 Imodium per day...does that even sound right? Seems a little extreme to me. The Imodium does end up working but it turns the liquid to gas and let me tell you... I HAVE NO FRIENDS LEFT...not even the dang dog will sit by me. Ya... I even cried about how bad I smelled today! Onc gave me a powder to mix with water to stop the gas but it tastes so horrible I would rather fart. Problem is.... my stomach is so sore from bloating from gas that it feels like I have done about 500 sit-ups.

Most of you know what happened to my brother. Short story: he was beat to a pulp with a baseball bat, left unconscious in his home and the guy poured gas all over and attempted to burn him up. This was his ex-girlfriends 17yo son. He suffered numerous broken bones but all in all nothing that won't heal. He is actually healing quite good. The problem here is the Bro has a bad drinking problem and his judgement is VERY impaired. So much so that when the kids mama came over offering her LOVE and the kid came over offering apology... he forgave them both and is now trying to get the felony charges dropped against them!!!!! Me and my entire family are SOOOO friggin upset that we have disowned him. I have been babysitting his drunken **** for 4 years now..I am sooooooooo DONE!!!

I do have a little good news. The face cancer I had removed is healing very good and I don't think there will even be a scar! Also, had my nose Cauterized the other day and NO more bleeding..YAY!

Thank you for letting me vent. I appreciate you all more than you will ever know. Take care.

Jennie

****UPDATE****
Hey All... First want to thank ALL of you for support, advice, encouragement...and yes, I feel the love!!!! The issue with my Bro will just have to work itself out. Dizz..you right..I will not disown him...just can't...but I will no longer be his enabler. I fight every day for my life and he throws his away every day. Thats between him and the man upstairs. I got my own war to fight. Moving on..... Seen eye Doc today and he ran all kinds of tests. Dilated my eyes...they still are...glaucoma tests...vision tests..the whole 9 yards. He said I am straining SO hard to see that when I get those blind spots its actually the onset of a migraine..all from straining to see. Yes, I always get a headache when the spots come but I am not a headache person. He said "You are now and it will continue to get worse and last longer and longer. Remedy: Glasses, bifocals actually. EASY FIX!!!!! YAY! YAY! YAY! Then I thought..here comes my vain side... "I don't wanna look like an old lady wearing bifocals!" Well, eyecare has definately came a LONG way since I last visited... They have AWESOME designer glasses...and bifocals that don't have lines in the middle...you can't even tell they are bifocals...thank you! thank you! thank you!!!! The hubby was not real excited tho cause the pair I picked out were almost $600.00. BUT... they are friggin awesome. I am sooooooo excited. Who would of thunk it???? Can't wait to get them and post a new Avatar. They look especially nice on my cancer free, scar free face with bloodless nose..YAY! A huge weight has lifted from my shoulder and I am feeling SOOOOOOOO much better. I so love you guys. Those of you who sent me FB messages...thank you too. I'm gonna put up my xmas tree tonite.

Hey Lisa.... thanks for asking about my son. You had your facts straight. When I got out of rehab is when I found out he had been stealing my Oxy over the course of a year and had himself also got addicted..and went thru that whole suicide thing. I am so very happy to say he has completely changed his life around. He went thru rehab, seen a shrink, got a fantastic paying job with Metro of St. Louis as a diesel mechanic repairing Rail Transit. He bought a house and just 2 weeks ago got permanent visitation rights with his little girl who is 2. I am so very proud of him. In his 23 years he has accomplished a lot thus far.

Got my first Christmas card today from CSN.... shout out to Lovekitties... You are on top of it girl!!!! It's amazing what difference 1 day can make!!!! Thanks guys!!!

Jennie
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Comments

  • pepebcn
    pepebcn Member Posts: 6,331 Member
    #2
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    Hey Jennie,
    feel so sorry about your bro problems, you have done so much for him! I think is time to thing about your self and don't add other proplems to you current situation!.I understand how frustrated you feel right now but vent it is a good thing ,so, I hope after that you feel better been in our virtual company!.
    Cheer up!
  • Lori-S
    Lori-S Member Posts: 1,277 Member
    #3
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    Jennie
    Vent away. Sometimes we need a good vent. It seems when it rains it pours. We are here for you. If you need to just talk PM me. I'm have more time than usualy for unusual stuff lately so I'm here if ya need me. HUGS
  • Kerry S
    Kerry S Member Posts: 606 Member
    #4
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    Jennie darlin
    If anyone needs to vent you do. I am not even going near the attitude bit with you.
    Try going outside and letting out one big **** scream.

    Also to answer your questions, they have me on that Keppra crap to.
    Yes, it screws with the eyes. That is why I could not see the damn doe through my rifle scope. You should have seen me using my table saw the other day. Fingers about ¾ inch from the blade. Scared the hell out of me. Not going to do that again until I get off this crap.

    Hang in there darlin.

    Kerry
  • C Dixon
    C Dixon Member Posts: 201
    #5
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    Probiotic?
    Jennie,

    Have you tried taking a probiotic to help with the poop? I like the PB8 brand. 20 Immodium doesn't sound right, does it? What about Lomotil for when it's really bad?

    Chin up, girl. My brother is an alcoholic too. You can't make them do right. You only have control over your choices. Everyone in my family has tried to help my brother but he has to help himself. Sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't. It is sad but I concentrate on my immediate family.

    Catherine
  • idlehunters
    idlehunters Member Posts: 1,787 Member
    #6
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    Lori-S said:

    Jennie
    Vent away. Sometimes we need a good vent. It seems when it rains it pours. We are here for you. If you need to just talk PM me. I'm have more time than usualy for unusual stuff lately so I'm here if ya need me. HUGS

    Pepe and Lori
    Thanks to you both for your support. Yes, seems to be pouring here.... hopefully the weather will break soon!

    Jennie
  • idlehunters
    idlehunters Member Posts: 1,787 Member
    #7
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    Kerry S said:

    Jennie darlin
    If anyone needs to vent you do. I am not even going near the attitude bit with you.
    Try going outside and letting out one big **** scream.

    Also to answer your questions, they have me on that Keppra crap to.
    Yes, it screws with the eyes. That is why I could not see the damn doe through my rifle scope. You should have seen me using my table saw the other day. Fingers about ¾ inch from the blade. Scared the hell out of me. Not going to do that again until I get off this crap.

    Hang in there darlin.

    Kerry

    Kerry...
    Even when you are not trying you make me laugh.... thank you for that. Its 30 degrees outside and I just come in from outside...was in the hot tub. Just me...and MaryJane....Ya, I'm feelin a bit better..... :) Take care

    Jennie
  • Sundanceh
    Sundanceh Member Posts: 4,392 Member
    #8
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    Share a Square?
    You and MJ, huh?

    I see how you are, LOL:)

    Use your phone to find the very next EXIT RAMP - and pull off immediately. You need a rest stop right about now.

    I'm sorry about Chuck. Drinking is a hard life to live. I hope he can think about it and back up some - life's a long race even without cancer...

    You just do what you gotta' do - don't let anyone drag you down further, you've got alot cookin' too:)

    -Craig
  • idlehunters
    idlehunters Member Posts: 1,787 Member
    #9
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    C Dixon said:

    Probiotic?
    Jennie,

    Have you tried taking a probiotic to help with the poop? I like the PB8 brand. 20 Immodium doesn't sound right, does it? What about Lomotil for when it's really bad?

    Chin up, girl. My brother is an alcoholic too. You can't make them do right. You only have control over your choices. Everyone in my family has tried to help my brother but he has to help himself. Sometimes he does and sometimes he doesn't. It is sad but I concentrate on my immediate family.

    Catherine

    Hey Catherine
    No, I have not tried any probiotic. I have a PET/CT scheduled in January and WHEN i get the all clear from that....even if I don't get an all clear.... I am seeing a doctor to help me plan a diet full of things like the Probiotic.... herbs... supplements.... some juicing....just a whole new way of life. I am determined NOT to be on chemo poisen forever!! Thanks for sharing about your brother. It just makes me so darn sad that I cannot help him but you can't help someone who won't help theirself. You take care.
    Jennie
  • geotina
    geotina Member Posts: 2,111 Member
    #10
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    Jennie, Jennie:
    Vent away. Maybe it is time for some tough love for your brother. Of course the kid is going to apologize, he doesn't want to go to jail, but I don't think that is up to your brother to decide, but the prosecutor and the judge, since the police were involved and there were multiple inuries to your brother. It will be State of Illinois vs the kid. If he did this kind of damage to your brother just think what he may do if he gets pissed at a girlfriend, scary thought.

    Don't have advise on the gas problem. Perhaps a gastro guy can work with you on it better than the onc. Taking 20 pills a day seems like a lot but no experience on this end with that stuff.

    Fart away. In fact go to the mall and scare a few people. Gives new meaning to the phrase "blow it out your a$$". In fact, if someone says that to you, let it rip.

    Take care and put Jennie first - Tina
  • AnneCan
    AnneCan Member Posts: 3,673 Member
    #11
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    Jennie
    I've been missing you! I was hoping good things were keeping you busy, so sorry it was all this! I am so sorry about Chuckie; you have done so much for him but obviously he isn't thinking clearly; that's so hard for those who care about him. I hope your medical issues can be taken care of. Vent whenever you feel the need; we appreciate you more than you will ever know too. Your posts often bring a smile to my face; they often exude pure joy + that is contagious.
  • idlehunters
    idlehunters Member Posts: 1,787 Member
    #12
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    Sundanceh said:

    Share a Square?
    You and MJ, huh?

    I see how you are, LOL:)

    Use your phone to find the very next EXIT RAMP - and pull off immediately. You need a rest stop right about now.

    I'm sorry about Chuck. Drinking is a hard life to live. I hope he can think about it and back up some - life's a long race even without cancer...

    You just do what you gotta' do - don't let anyone drag you down further, you've got alot cookin' too:)

    -Craig

    Hey Friend!!!
    LOL....Hummmm...... i KNOW how you are!!!! Ya, I have pulled over to a rest stop. Chuck will just have to take care of Chuck. I need to spend some quality time on ME. How you feeling now that you are over the bump in the road???? Too soon to tell? Thats really awesome that the other tumor is gone. FINALLY.....a very well deserved break for my friend. Tell Kim I said HEY! Take care

    Jen
  • idlehunters
    idlehunters Member Posts: 1,787 Member
    #13
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    geotina said:

    Jennie, Jennie:
    Vent away. Maybe it is time for some tough love for your brother. Of course the kid is going to apologize, he doesn't want to go to jail, but I don't think that is up to your brother to decide, but the prosecutor and the judge, since the police were involved and there were multiple inuries to your brother. It will be State of Illinois vs the kid. If he did this kind of damage to your brother just think what he may do if he gets pissed at a girlfriend, scary thought.

    Don't have advise on the gas problem. Perhaps a gastro guy can work with you on it better than the onc. Taking 20 pills a day seems like a lot but no experience on this end with that stuff.

    Fart away. In fact go to the mall and scare a few people. Gives new meaning to the phrase "blow it out your a$$". In fact, if someone says that to you, let it rip.

    Take care and put Jennie first - Tina

    Hey Tina...
    Great hearing from you. I put a call into the detective in charge of Chucks case and I am waiting for a call back. I was thinking on the same lines as you. I don't know if there is anything Chuck can do to stop the charges from going forward. I really hope not. It's funny what you said about letting the gas fly in front of people..... LOL...I don't have a choice..... My mama...RIP...use to always tell us kids to "tighten the pucker string" I do believe mine no longer exists!!!!! I just flow these days...LOL. I was feeling like I was giving up on Chuck...that is why I was so depressed.... But I cannot fully focus on ME....AND keep him above water.... not now...not anymore.... oh geez...now I am crying again.,...wtf??? Anyway.....thanks so much for YOU tina...give George a hug for me. Take care.

    Jennie
  • idlehunters
    idlehunters Member Posts: 1,787 Member
    #14
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    AnneCan said:

    Jennie
    I've been missing you! I was hoping good things were keeping you busy, so sorry it was all this! I am so sorry about Chuckie; you have done so much for him but obviously he isn't thinking clearly; that's so hard for those who care about him. I hope your medical issues can be taken care of. Vent whenever you feel the need; we appreciate you more than you will ever know too. Your posts often bring a smile to my face; they often exude pure joy + that is contagious.

    Hey Anne!!!!
    WoW.... so good to hear from you too!!! Will let you know what doc says tomorrow about my eye problem. So glad I can sometimes bring a smile to your face.... heck..sometimes I make my own self laugh! LOL .... I am looking to get off this roller coaster ride soon and get back to ME. You take care!

    Jennie
  • tootsie1
    tootsie1 Member Posts: 5,044 Member
    #15
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    Jennie!
    Jennie,

    I'm going to be very anxious to hear about your eyes! Is it possible that it's a side effect of any of the treatments you've had? I do hope and pray that it can be resolved easily and quickly.

    As for your brother, try not to cut off all communication, but don't enable him in this relationship, either. I know you're scared for him to still be involved with those 2 losers, but the more you protest, the closer he'll draw to them. He has to make that decision for himself. Tough, I know.

    *hugs*
    Gail
  • herdizziness
    herdizziness Member Posts: 3,624 Member
    #16
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    Jennie
    Darn dear, what do I say?
    I so had a brother like yours. He loved his heroin, different drug of choice of course, but really in the scheme of things, still a vice. So I know one thing, you might say you're giving up on your brother, but that won't last, just like I did mine, you'll keep on "soft" loving and coming to his rescue in the end. Some of us just can't do the tough love thing, although we swear we will. We curse them, we might even yell now and then again, but there we are propping them back up. You won't get over the babysitting, we've gotten too used to our roles over the years. Only they can deal with their addiction, we can't solve it, though Lord knows, we want to so very badly. It's just what it is, they are just what they will be, some will stop their vices, others will never, ever stop, so all you can do is just love them, even when your soul breaks over knowing what they could be, could have been. And no matter what the reality of who they are, in the end, their still our brothers, still a part of our soul, so we don't give up, no matter how hopeless it seems, because to us, their hearts are tender, and we know they are good "souls", no matter their stupid mistakes. My brother is long gone, at 42 he died from complications of AIDS, due to his needle usage. I miss him every single day. I miss his kind heart. It seems odd to me not to be spending my time in courts, making him face up to all his mistakes, odd not to send care packages to prison, odd not to hear his probation officer calling me, telling me I better get him in to check in or else he'd be before the parole board again, odd not to be facing his parole board as a witness, odd not to be getting his cars out of impound, odd not to have him around me almost daily. My holidays, he was always here, no more. If I could have done tough love would he still be here with me? I think not. I think I would have had less time with him, and his death would have been sooner, then maybe not. We surely can't change them. My brother taught me so many things, he gave me more of my soul, my good soul, his tenderness for those down and out (and Lord knows that was his daily life, but he'd give the shirt off his back literally)taught me compassion, and for that I will always be grateful. And something I never did, but I really do suggest you try is Al-Anon, maybe they can teach you what I never learned in dealing with my brother, I've heard good things about them.
    Shoot, I got stuck on brothers.
    I'm so glad your face cancer is healing well, and GONE!!! Joy does interfere with our down times doesn't it? LOL (actually if I knew how to make a happy face I would have done so, just about here).
    And you can come visit here in Santa Cruz, any ole' time, I have no sense of smell, so you could just fart away, and I'd still sit next to you. You could actually point at me as if I was the farter and I wouldn't know any better.
    Love at you hun.
    Winter Marie


    Fortunately, the State will take over the case and will not allow your brother to drop it, and on the odd chance they do, you get in there and let them know that it's domestic abuse and the State is forced to take over domestic abuse cases, no matter what the victim says.
  • Lovekitties
    Lovekitties Member Posts: 3,364 Member
    #17
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    Awwwww Jennie
    Gal you sure do have a full plate and then some don't ya.

    Sorry to hear that your brother is relapsing in his relationship. Unfortunately, the only one who can impact that is him. He has to find out for himself why he would want to be in such a distructive relationship. Hopefully the state will take care of the case and he will not be able to drop the charges. He needs to consider how he would feel if he did and then the young man ended up killing someone because of is anger problems.

    Sure do hope that the eye doc can give you some 'easy fix' for the vison probs. It may even be due to medication mix and not a physical cause. In the mean time, how about becoming a 'backseat driver'? Sure would hate to see you mess up that sweet 'ride' or yourself.

    As for the gas...just stick a scented dryer sheet in your jeans and go for it!

    Hopefully your world will turn rightside up again soon.

    Hugs,

    Marie
  • lisa42
    lisa42 Member Posts: 3,625 Member
    #18
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    dear Jennie
    Dear, sweet Jennie...
    My heart is breaking over all you're dealing with. One thing I've been wondering that I haven't heard you mention anything about lately is your son. I know all the hell you went through with the oxycontin detox and I remember you mentioning after you got home again how you discovered your son was having a problem with it too. Don't know if I somehow got that story mixed up- but what is going on there with that?
    I hope that what Marie said about the state taking over all domestic violence cases is true and that they will still pursue things with the girlfriend's son even if he does agree to drop charges.
    Glad to hear your face is healing nicely. :) Always glad to hear good news, even if it's just a bit.
    Let us know what the opthamologist said about your eyes.
    Take care my dear-

    Hugs,
    Lisa
  • herdizziness
    herdizziness Member Posts: 3,624 Member
    #19
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    Can't wait to see those specs
    YAY Jennie on the eye problem and the son making you proud!!!!
    Thinking of you.
    Winter Marie
  • Lovekitties
    Lovekitties Member Posts: 3,364 Member
    #20
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    herdizziness said:

    Can't wait to see those specs
    YAY Jennie on the eye problem and the son making you proud!!!!
    Thinking of you.
    Winter Marie

    Congrats Jennie!
    So very glad the solution was simple, if not inexpensive.

    Can't wait to see the new glam you.

    Glad to hear the update about your son. Doesn't it make your heart proud when you can see your kids making a success of their lives.

    Hugs,

    Marie
  • lisa42
    lisa42 Member Posts: 3,625 Member
    #21
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    SO relieved!
    Jennie,

    I'm so glad to hear the eye thing is nothing serious!! Also- SO glad to hear how well your son is doing- yay!!!!!!!!!
    Thanks for the update & enjoy the rest of your day and week :)

    Hugs,
    Lisa

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