can't talk about it

wearetogether said:

to Noellesmom
Your words really comforted me. Yes, I do tend to face things. I've had to. My parents both went through severe health problems, and I was with them, especially with my dad, who died 27 years ago now. My mom died only 2 years ago, and I was her secondary caregiver off and on for 4 years, relieving my sister when I could, and then the primary one for her last 2 years which she spent in a personal care home near my house.

I was a missionary for almost 20 years in Mexico, with my first husband. Then I lived through a nervous breakdown after that husband of 28 years left me a little over ten years ago. He had some serious emotional problems, tended to emotionally abuse me, and blamed me for his problems. As a result I had to leave my home and my career in Mexico City to come back here and reinvent myself, after spending some time in a hospital and therapy, and going on anti-depression meds, which I still take. Depression seems to be a genetic tendency in my family.

I met T, and he's helped erase so much of that pain, because generally he's a very jovial type of personality. He has some serious baggage, however, that raises it's ugly head occassionally, especially when he's in physical pain from a surgery, or extremely stressed over work, or comes face to face with bad memories from childhood. He was abused, and his parents were in denial about it. He still dislikes his dad, but I admire him for keeping in touch over the phone with him. They restrict their conversations generally to safe zones, and live 1000 miles apart, which is probably good for both of them. His dad wasn't the abuser, but the abuser lived with them when he was a boy. In a way his dad was an abuser, too, because he, as a workaholic, didn't give my hubby much if any quality time, and turned a blind eye to obvious symptoms that he displayed then of abuse. His dad didn't go to any of his games, and T was extremely involved in sports. His dad still tends to carry on a monologue conversation, and doesn't listen well to anyone. So, if T is talking, and I just try to interject something in our conversation while he's talking, he gets mad and says I "always" interrupt, and "never" listen, and that as a result he can't talk to me about anything meaningful. That really hurt. I read someone else's letter here that was having a similar experience. That helped, too.

He also never was around his mom when she was dying of kidney cancer about 12 years ago. He wouldn't even go in the funeral, but stood outside. He's adamantly against smoking because he believes that's what caused his mom's cancer. They were very close by that time in his life. His best friend married his sister, and after having 2 kids died of leukemia. T blamed it on the pollution of the Hudson River during those years, but that's exactly why I'm afraid of T having more cancer. I just don't know how much water he drank from that source, even though they lived a little outside of the city of Poughkeepsie, and had their own water source. He did visit friends and went to school there. That's where my comment last night sprang from, and I tried to explain that to him in a letter of apology I wrote to him last night. I only apologized for being untactful during this time of recuperating from a very painful hernia surgery.

So, I'm really trying to help him heal those hurts, and really listen. However, as a result I don't get to talk much. I can't tell my friends or my family these thoughts, because I don't want them to misunderstand him and dislike him. My kids have seen him get angry with me before, and it really turned them off of him for a long time. Now their relationships are much better, and I don't want to spoil that.

As I said, when things are normal, he acts more normal and is fun to be with, and less prone to outbursts. Also, he does tend to apologize sincerely, and tries to make up for it in some way, which is more than I can say for my first husband!