Strong on the outside, paniced on the inside...

I've found myself bargaining with God. I cry & I pray over & over. Telling him that I'm broken without this man. Begging him to please not let cancer take him away from me. Before him I spent my whole life feeling half empty. Even in my previous marriage of 10 yrs, I felt like I was constantly searching for something. Then I found him. This is the first time in my life that I feel whole, I feel complete, I feel I'm at my full potential and that I'm no longer broken. When I think about how real the possibility is of losing him I can hardly breath. Mostly for my own selfish reasons. I'm terrified to feel broken again. How will I even wake up. My kids have grown to adore him, look up to him, admire him, finally have the male rolemodel they have needed. As soon as we became a "we", there was a connection that felt as if we were incomplete the second we were apart. I miss him the second I pull out of my driveway. He's my best friend. At night he wraps his arms around me & holds me so tight, I know he's afraid of letting go. I cant help but have the thought... How will I get through my days if I cant feel his touch, the touch that makes all the bad things seem so insignificant.

I know his chances are relatively good 40% survival & by no means am I thinking the worst, I feel confident some days he'll make it. On those days I pray to God to help me accept whatever his will is for Brian, but then the days he struggles I fall apart inside, I panic. I'm strong on the outside for him, but on the inside I'd take this fight on twice over if it meant he didnt have to. I know in the end we are incredibly lucky. Many people don't find what we have found, most do not ever love anyone as if there may be no tomorrow or know that you should hold nothing back, you should kiss in the middle of a crowd & take long walks for no reason.