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lilli1020
Posts: 114
Joined: Jul 2010

I went to a group meeting tonight that hospice holds on loss of a spouse. A lot of the people there were a bit older than myself, but many of them agreed that the 2nd year is harder than the first. Really, are they serious? I cannot imagine anything worse than how things are now and Doug just died 2 months ago. Oh God please, give us a break!!!
Gayle

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

Gayle,

I also heard that and I too freaked out. I went back to one-on-one counseling and mentioned this to my counselor. She said that when people do not face their grief in the first year, the second year can be very difficult. When a spouse dies the surviving spouse tries to move on too quickly and acts like, "well life moves on", they hit a wall in the second year. I hope she is right because I can't imagine next year being worse than this year.

Becky

lilli1020
Posts: 114
Joined: Jul 2010

Well Beckymarie, that does make sense. And I was going to ask my one on one counselor about this too. I imagine that some people deny their grief and it hits them later on....just like when people hold in their feelings and suddenly break down when it does come out, so thanks for the info....I cannot imagine anything worse than time right now!

Blessings, Gayle

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Gayle,
I sure hope that's not true. I can't imagine anything worse than the past 8 months since my husband (Tom) died.Getting through all these 1st, like my birthday, his birthday, Easter and the upcoming holidays is horrible. Who feels like celebrating, when you've lost the love of your life. Let's hope we all can adjust to this new life that we have. It's really hard, and I'm hoping 2011 is a better year that 2010. Take care! Carole

Hatshepsut's picture
Hatshepsut
Posts: 340
Joined: Nov 2006

I also find it discouraging to think that next year will be worse than this year. My husband died in May 2010.

I'm having a very difficult time dealing with his death. I am consistently the most weepy person at the grief/bereavement group I'm attending. It is embarrassing and discouraging and it isn't getting any easier.

I, too, have heard that future years are more difficult if you don't "face" your loss. Intellectually, that makes sense. But, I think I am facing my loss and I'm not seeing any significant improvement. I function. I cook, shop and attend a couple of computer classes, but when a wave of grief hits me, it feels like I'm going back to square one.

Hatshepsut

lilli1020
Posts: 114
Joined: Jul 2010

The way I see it, each "sorrowful experience" is just the normal greiving process and they will keep happening, for as long as it takes until things eventually do begin to improve. Everyone is different and I believe that tears are cleansing. I always feel a little better after a good cry, kind of like a release, letting go of some more of the pain. This experience has changed all of us forever, but, as they say, time will heal us. Just keep the knowledge and hope that things will be better for us sometime in the future and our lives will become easier to deal with. We all have to go through this now to keep it from breaking us down at a later date. And I've been told by the ones who have gone through the holidays before, that the dread and worry of it before is actually worse than the holiday itself. Just don't give up on the counseling and if you can get 1 on 1 sessions, that would be even better...you have all the attention on YOU and get advice for you specifically. Improvement will come eventually...not soon enough for any of us, but at least you are facing it now instead of bottling it all up for later. Prayers and blessings to you, Gayle

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

I am in my second year now. I don't find it harder. I still have tough days, but they seem a little farther apart. I agree that those who try to deny their grief are going to hurt more when it hits. I think we have to accept grief and allow ourselves to grieve. Grief needs to be lived, and we need to find a way to live with it. We also need to give it time. Also, I think anyone who makes a statement that they try to apply to everyone is off base. Each of us is different and we each grieve in different ways and different times. The second year may be harder for some, but certainly not all. I don't want to be the grieving widow forever or always, but I will take the time I need. When Doug worried about leaving me alone, I always told him I was a strong, independent woman and that I would be ok. Part of being that strong, independent woman, is grieving in my own way and time. I'm not going to let others tell me how to do it. So far, my second year has not been harder. My pain is neither more or less, but I am learning to live alone. I am laughing with friends and family more. I am finding my way. I will be ok. I won't stop missing him. I won't let artificial times tell me how I should feel. Fay

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