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Will I ever become normal again?

ayax
Posts: 4
Joined: Nov 2010

Or am I destined to stay a nervous wreck? I was just Diagnosed a year ago with Hodgkins Lymphoma, did 12 rounds of chemo, and declared 'in remission'. I had lots of trouble with my chemo, I developed thrush everytime and I thought my 'bone pain' was unbearable. My Gallbladder quit functioning and I had to have it taken out in the middle of all this, and I had tons of problems with my port. On a good note, I have had PET scans and CT scans since and my Oncologist says he sees nothing, not even scar tissue. In my case, they found my Lymphoma by chance because of irrelevant side pain. I know this in my head.. but I can't calm myself. I'm so deeply afraid of Lymphoma coming back so to speak. Every pain I have it scares me, everytime I sweat in my sleep I panic. Its an everyday recurrance. I've been off chemo for 4 months now and feeling like a human again.. but I still am scared of sick people, and small children with their runny noses. I don't like visitors coming in the house and I dont like to go places. I didnt wear my wig out one time and someone told me I looked awful with my hair short. I have to clean EVERYTHING everyday. I know in my mind that cancer is not contagious but some people make me feel like a leper. Even my own sister who wont even hug me. Have I developed a problem, or will this just go away? Normal or no?

allmost60's picture
allmost60
Posts: 3147
Joined: Jul 2010

Hi...your ok...it's just going to take time. Your not crazy or anything else...your just plain scared. You have been through a battle and it is going to take some time to figure out what your "new" normal is. I can't imagine ever getting my old normal back...it left as soon as I was told I had cancer. I have many of the same thoughts and fears as you with the whole cleaning thing and coming into contact with sick people. I'm totally saddened to hear someone made fun of your short hair and your sister not wanting to hug. I'm sure she's just scared knowing if this can happen to you it could also happen to her. You reached out to a good place where only love and kindness takes place. We will help you feel better about your fears because we have them also. Your ok..really. Keep posting here and people will help you...you are not alone. Love...Sue (FNHL-2-3A-6/10)

vinny59's picture
vinny59
Posts: 1030
Joined: Nov 2006

Hi,it is very normal to feel this way, as "survivor's" you have to be able to accept the new normal you. As far as feeling like a leper, that should not be, your sister should be educated on the cancer you had, and know that she is not in danger. I had head and neck cancer three years ago, and I'm just getting out of treatment for NHL, I know what you are feeling, and it will get better!!!!! Vinny

JoanieP's picture
JoanieP
Posts: 573
Joined: Mar 2010

I am sorry you are going through all of this. I felt just like you. It has now been fifteen months since I had NHL and those fears are better. I have learned that I am not in control. I trust my wonderful doctor and my faith is deeper than ever. I started a cancer support group and realize I wouldn't trade places with anyone there. My Dr put me on Effexor which is an antidepressant. I thank God now for all the little things I took for granted. Hodgekins is curable and it sounds like you are on your way to the cured status. I didn't let anyone hug me and I was OCD about germs. That gets better. Take care , stay stong. YOU ARE NOT ALONE

COBRA666's picture
COBRA666
Posts: 2418
Joined: May 2010

I can't really add a lot to what everyone else has said. What you are feeling is normal as far as being scared. Your sisters reaction may seem normal to her. It may be she thinks she is going to catch something from you. That's where the lack of knowledge shows. As far as other people their lack of knowledge may work against them one day. People that get cancer of any kind learn pretty quick of how much is really out there. We research and find it will probably hit 1 in 3 people in 1 form or the other. See if their reactions change then. It makes you feel like a leper because of her and other peoples reactions. She needs to be educated to know what you and the rest of us have is not catching. We don't have a cold or the flu. As far as the other people, to hell with them,they are certainly not your friends. John (FNHL-1-4A-5/10)

ayax
Posts: 4
Joined: Nov 2010

Thank you so much for all the wonderful replies. I feel so much better having people who have been there, and know what it feels like. Sometimes I feel so alone bc no one understands. Everyone needs support, so thank you again. ((Also glad to know that the things I'm going through aren't totally out of the ordinary!)

dixiegirl's picture
dixiegirl
Posts: 1043
Joined: Apr 2006

I think we come to an acceptance of having a new normal. I know when wierd stuff starts happening my first thought is oh **** it's back. I do think there have been times that I worry for no reason, but it's always a good thing to get it checked out. Nothing wrong with being pro-active.

This disease is ruthless and this site is priceless. I love everyone here and the comraderie is very important to me.

Keep coming back!
Take care,

Beth

allmost60's picture
allmost60
Posts: 3147
Joined: Jul 2010

Hi Beth,
Did you finally shake your cold? Sounds like Lisha is fighting one right now also. BUMMER! Steve is on his second round of antibiotic.. still trying to kick that stuff he had a month ago. Goes away and comes back...it's really creepin me out. Doc told him if it's not gone by Monday he wants him to get a chest x-ray. Not a good week for me to be thinking about hubby possibly having something wrong!..UGH! I'm sure it's just his usual twice yearly sinus crap(fall and spring)...but this year it's sure hangin on longer. Anyways...hope you are feeling all better! Love...Sue (FNHL-2-3A-6/10)

dixiegirl's picture
dixiegirl
Posts: 1043
Joined: Apr 2006

Hey Sue,

Thanks for asking about me. The cough is still here, but not quite as bad. I do get to choking several times a day which is frustrating, but I guess it has to get worse before it gets better.

I woke up yesterday with a horrible headache, to the point it made me throw up. This is the second time my headaches have gotten to that point. It seems like the severity of my headaches are changing. I think I am going to have to really get better about taking something sooner to see if I can avoid that. The problem is that I wake up with it. I think I am going to change the timing of my blood pressure meds to night when I go to bed and see if that helps since that is why I take it.

Well, I need to get started, housework calls. Since I was feeling bad yesterday I didn't do anything at all.

Take care,
Beth
LPL/MALT/FNHL 4/7/06

Swtkoolaid's picture
Swtkoolaid
Posts: 53
Joined: Nov 2010

Your fears are real and they are normal. I'm going through the same thing right now. I've been in remission for 9 years, but have had a recent scare with some "symptoms". Fear is a normal reaction and especially with us who have been down this road. It will get better with time. Take care of you and don't worry what others think. The whole hair thing was just a mean comment that you need to just ignore. You don't need that kind of negativity. Keep your head up and keep smiling you are not alone in this. I'm sure your sister like others have stated is just not educated enough with what you are going through, I'm sure one day she too will understand. If anything give yourself a hug and focus on the good news that you are in remission and on the road to a full recovery! All these people here are wonderful and they have helped me so much in just a short time that I have been on this board. Sending you lots of hugs! Andrea

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