The imposter in me says oh no...not another day....

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plh4gail
plh4gail Member Posts: 1,238 Member
edited March 2014 in Colorectal Cancer #1
What do I do with these emotions of mine? I am acting the opposite of how I am normally and I can't hardly stand to live with myself like this. I even let the message storage fill up on my cell so I don't have to hear messages and feel obligated to call back, I deactivated another account on my pc where I was keeping contact with others, and I just want to be left alone, I don't want to hear anything positive about anyone else's day either. Although the one thing I constantly do is keep coming here to escape and look at your wonderful encouragement for each other. I can put on a pretty good front for my children when needed, but cringe at the thought of happiness..... My second surgery (5 weeks after the first) is coming up next week to reverse my temporary iliostomy that is not working quite as intended, which is delaying my upcoming chemo. Am I kind of, sort of going through a normal stage of emotion's or am I way off course. It sure doesn't feel like the positive go get'em attitude I had in the beginning.

Gail

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  • pepebcn
    pepebcn Member Posts: 6,331 Member
    #2
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    Gail, it happens to me every single day ! there are moments
    and moments and probably as far you got the first little good new you will see the things in different shape!
    Cheer up Gail!
  • Kathleen808
    Kathleen808 Member Posts: 2,342 Member
    #3
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    Gail
    Gail,
    I know we have all had those really hard days and weeks. We do everything we can to muster up the courage and umph to go on and face the day. For one, it is OK to feel like that. I know you are used to being upbeat but you don't owe that to anyone. What you do need to do is put one foot in front of the other and just take the steps that need to be taken today. The focus on one day at a time is the only way we have gotten through this at times. Sometimes it takes a big crying screaming fit to let the steam off (I do that in my car).
    I hope that for today you find a glimmer of light in something. Maybe it will be the smile of your child or a great sunset or something that tastes really good.
    I'm thinking of you today.

    Aloha,
    Kathleen
  • okthen
    okthen Member Posts: 232
    #4
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    Gail, I am not sure I can
    Gail, I am not sure I can offer the answer to whether your emotions are in the "normal" range... I am looking at this through caregivers eyes, not the person fighting this in my own body...
    BUT, I did want to say that I have felt a lot of what you described and think my husband has too.
    We too found ourselves kinda hiding out...didn't want to wallow, but had a hard time interacting with people in our normal, happy, way.
    Most people don't get (understand) cancer, that all cancer is different, that all chemo is different. "Although it was wonderful to hear that your Aunt Betty didn't have diarrhea with her breast cancer chemo, doesn't really apply to my husbands Colorectal chemo"...you get what I mean?..then I would feel guilty for having negative thoughts about someone who was just trying to help....it's a hard cycle.
    And this is the first time I have admitted that hearing good news about someones elses life made me feel (at least for a few seconds)...I don't know..jealous? After all, we are good, hard working people...why are they having good and we are getting bad?...just being honest...so if your feelings are in the "not normal" than I'm sittin there with ya!.. Pass the cookies please. (o:
    Best wishes for you on your upcoming surgery!
    Chriss
  • KathiM
    KathiM Member Posts: 8,028 Member
    #5
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    Normal!
    You are taking each moment at a time....

    I never had the energy to talk long to anyone during my treatment phase...just let it go to the answer machine...then had my daughter call them back with the update...

    Do you have someone that could do that for you? She always said something like "mom is tired from fighting cancer. She really appreciates your call and your caring. She asked that you understand that she is busy healing, and will call you another time when she is feeling better".....

    As far as my attitude: I found something, even a small thing, to laugh about every day. I was lucky....MASH (an old TV show) came on every afternoon thru syndication. 2 episodes! Or, I would watch a Mel Brooks movie...Young Frankenstein is my fav...

    I am putting my arms around you, dear soul!!!

    Hugs, Kathi
  • Lori-S
    Lori-S Member Posts: 1,277 Member
    #6
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    Gail
    I can so relate to what you are feeling. People have finally come to realize that if I don't answer the phone that it is not personal. It was tough at first because I would feel guilty when the caller ID would show someone that I truly loved but, just didn't want to talk to. I ended up just turning it off and then sending out some update emails to let everyone know that it wasn't personal that I just needed some time and that I would let them know if there was anything to report.

    Sometimes it is tough to hear someone who has asked about how your are feeling (happened last week when I was having terrible side effects from chemo) and when you say “I’m having trouble with the chemo. I feel like I was hit by a freight train”, they respond with, “Oh my allergies are like that”. Ggggrrrrrrrrr So, sometimes it's just easier to drop off the radar a bit. And this is from an extravert with a bit of people skills. Cancer can be so exhausting, mentally, that you just don't have the energy to use all of those skills and deal with everyone because everyone is different and requires a little bit different handling. When it wasn't a lot to switch it around all the time before, when you’re mentally tapped out it becomes a different story. And sometimes I just feel so tapped out that I feel guilty for not having the same enthusiasm for what might be important to someone else.

    That is why the board has become so important to me. I know that everyone can relate and I don’t have to work so hard to get my point across and to have someone understand it. Sometimes off the board it seems they don’t get it at all. Here, everybody gets it. I get you Gail. I really do. Hang in there. You are normal (whatever that is) with me.
  • jararno
    jararno Member Posts: 186
    #7
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    Lori-S said:

    Gail
    I can so relate to what you are feeling. People have finally come to realize that if I don't answer the phone that it is not personal. It was tough at first because I would feel guilty when the caller ID would show someone that I truly loved but, just didn't want to talk to. I ended up just turning it off and then sending out some update emails to let everyone know that it wasn't personal that I just needed some time and that I would let them know if there was anything to report.

    Sometimes it is tough to hear someone who has asked about how your are feeling (happened last week when I was having terrible side effects from chemo) and when you say “I’m having trouble with the chemo. I feel like I was hit by a freight train”, they respond with, “Oh my allergies are like that”. Ggggrrrrrrrrr So, sometimes it's just easier to drop off the radar a bit. And this is from an extravert with a bit of people skills. Cancer can be so exhausting, mentally, that you just don't have the energy to use all of those skills and deal with everyone because everyone is different and requires a little bit different handling. When it wasn't a lot to switch it around all the time before, when you’re mentally tapped out it becomes a different story. And sometimes I just feel so tapped out that I feel guilty for not having the same enthusiasm for what might be important to someone else.

    That is why the board has become so important to me. I know that everyone can relate and I don’t have to work so hard to get my point across and to have someone understand it. Sometimes off the board it seems they don’t get it at all. Here, everybody gets it. I get you Gail. I really do. Hang in there. You are normal (whatever that is) with me.

    Feelings
    I guess I am a little strange as I have not really had major emotions regarding my cancer and chemo. My mother-in-law was suprised at how calm I have been about all of this. I think I always expected this ( weird, but I somehow knew I would have colon cancer! ) I do know at times I do not want to talk to anyone and during the chemo I really just wanted to be left alone.....in a quiet room with quick bathroom access!

    I have been a bit appalled by some of the things people have said to me during all of this. The worst being my EX-sister-in-law who asked how I was and after I told her about the lousy chemo day I had actually laughed and told me "When someone asks how you are doing they really don't want to know!!" This is from the same woman who posts all her medical details and
    x-rays on Facebook!!

    My husbands large family really aren't supportive in any way except my 92 year old mother-in-law who is so wonderful. My few friends here don't really get it either. One is a bit too pushy and wants to go to the doctors with me so "someone knows what was really said"! I am not senile and I don't have Chemo Brain!! Another friend is better because she pretty much ignores the issue, so at least I get a break from being the cancer lady!!

    The people here on this board really help with the questions and the good humor is wonderful!
    You are the ones who totally get what I am going through medically and I feel like I can relate to everyone.

    Have a great day!!

    Barb
  • AnneCan
    AnneCan Member Posts: 3,673 Member
    #8
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    Sounds normal to me!
    This is an emotional roller coaster + we are along for a wild ride. I totally understand the phone thing. I often let messages go to voicemail. Even email I sometimes delay responding to. Some people mean well but just can't tell when enough is enough! A friend of mine came to visit a few weeks ago. She has been very supportive. She stayed too long, though. I finally said I had to go to bed (hard for me to do). She stayed + kept talking to my husband far too long; finally my husband started putting the wine + cheese away + she caught on. It's funny, you need to know people care, but it can be hard to set the limits.
  • tesslee
    tesslee Member Posts: 97
    #9
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    AnneCan said:

    Sounds normal to me!
    This is an emotional roller coaster + we are along for a wild ride. I totally understand the phone thing. I often let messages go to voicemail. Even email I sometimes delay responding to. Some people mean well but just can't tell when enough is enough! A friend of mine came to visit a few weeks ago. She has been very supportive. She stayed too long, though. I finally said I had to go to bed (hard for me to do). She stayed + kept talking to my husband far too long; finally my husband started putting the wine + cheese away + she caught on. It's funny, you need to know people care, but it can be hard to set the limits.

    yep i can relate
    i don't answer my phone, i let it go to voicemail, don't answer my front door, people who know me understand. i just don't feel like talking. i've even stopped listening to music cause it's too loud, even tho the volume is low. kinda withdrawn. i know depression is part of it, but not all. a lot of my worry is gone since chemo has ended and i'm only on maintenance, but deep inside the reality of being stage 4 and the chance of reocurrence makes planning for the future a conumdrum.

    i think it's very normal for us and we have to give ourselves a break and just not expect as much from ourselves. don't be hard on ourselves if we can't do that exta chore or whatever. right now we are first and foremost and we deserve kindness and acceptance from ourselves. and if we have to teach others this lesson we might instead choose not to answer the phone than deal with their misunderstandings.
  • Kathryn_in_MN
    Kathryn_in_MN Member Posts: 1,252 Member
    #10
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    You are normal!
    We all have good days and bad days. And we hit "overload" from family and friends asking questions or expecting us to be positive 24/7.

    You DESERVE your down days. No one is up all the time - people that are 100% healthy are not "up" all the time.

    You might consider posting on a site to keep your family and friends updated. Tell them that it is too much overload for you to take phone calls and emails. You need to focus on your health and on your kids, and right now that doesn't leave time to keep up with calls and emails. My family and friends totally respected this. I started a CaringBridge site, and they knew to look there for updates, and not bother me.

    There are two options I know of that are free. One is www.CaringBridge.org which was set up for anyone going through a crisis or chronic health issue. Another one I just learned of which is only for cancer patients. www.MyLifeLine.org.

    When I set up my CB site over a year ago, I sent a mass email to everyone giving them the information on the site with the link, and telling them that they needed to use it for updates, as I could not keep up with their individual emails and phone calls. It was a lifesaver for me. I didn't need to feel guilty for not taking calls when I just didn't feel up to it, or ignoring emails for several days. And those that care about me still got their updates. (Even if some days those updates were just me whining about how miserable I was.)

    You are VERY normal. That is one thing you don't need to worry about!
  • plh4gail
    plh4gail Member Posts: 1,238 Member
    #11
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    Thankyouthankyouthankyou!!!
    Thankyouthankyouthankyou!!! I know I have some better days. But man oh man the bad one's are bad(and I'm talking emotionally for the time).By this evening I actually felt a little better today in this way, after about 4 days. All of the sharing really did wonders for my questioning myself,and now I feel that ray of hope and goodness squeezing in again.

    Gail

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