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Getting out of the hole...any suggestions

onlyhuman
Posts: 102
Joined: Sep 2009

I have hit a wall this week. Everything has been an effort. Everyday this week I have struggled to get out of bed, to get dressed, to get the kids to school, to get through a day at work and when we get home, it takes a mighty effort to get dinner on the table and to keep going til the kids get to bed. Its not that I am physically tired... I am just having problem getting going. Very unlike me. Its like I just want to curl up in bed and wallow. And I am teary all the time again. I was like that the first few months but have been alright for the last few months. If this is not rock bottom for me, its close. What do you do when you're down?
S

ruthelizabeth
Posts: 146
Joined: May 2009

When I'm down, I really want to curl up in a ball and wallow. Too. However, I posted this quote on my refrigerator... "I must lose myself in action, lest I wither in despair."

What has helped me a lot is a sanity list. I took a pad of paper and wrote down all the things I could think of as projects and jobs and every night I check off the ones I've made any progress on, even a little. I did it right after Don died and then it was mostly household jobs and changes like sorting paperwork, new cushion covers, reorganizing drawers, etc., but I also included eating and exercising.

As the jobs got finished, I made a new list which I'm trying to work on now. Some nights I have a couple of check marks, others several, some nights I simply don't make any. But the list gives me suggestions for things to do so I can keep busy.

I've learned the hard way that weekends are the toughest days for me. If I don't find a lot of errands or a drive to keep me out of the house, things go downhill. If I had a dog, we'd do miles of walking. If I had a family, we'd plan an outing. Since all I have is me, I have to boot myself out of the house and go somewhere. It takes my mind off things a little.

Maybe you'll find ways to help yourself along. I know some days it seems pointless. I feel that way, too. But perhaps you can plan something to help you out. I hope so.

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

I agree that keeping busy is the way to go. Weekends are sooo hard so need to plan things to fill the days. Making lists sounds like a good idea. I also like the dog idea and have given this some thought, but as I've increased my work schedule not sure it is fair to the dog.

This is one lousy hand we have been dealt, but all we can do is play what we've been given. Be strong. I've had several friends who lost their husbands and they are okay now...took a long time but they made it and we will too.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

I don't think it is unusual to hit the wall. You have been holding everything together for your girls. I have been told that the hardest time is several months out when we expect to be doing better. Everybody else thinks we should be ok, too. But we are not. We aren't even sure that we will ever be alright. It's just plain scary, and you have to try to keep everything on track for your beautiful girls. Of course you are tired. Being a single parent is a very tough job in the best of circumstances. Then you had the big move and work. You need some rest. Don't try to be superwoman. Let some things slide. Pamper yourself a little. Get a massage or pedicure. Go out to eat with friends. Also, don't try to do this alone. Ask for help if you need it. Grieving is hard work and takes time. There are going to be down times for awhile. I just hit the year mark, and I still have rough days. I think we have to accept them and know that life isn't fair sometimes. Take care of yourself. Fay

onlyhuman
Posts: 102
Joined: Sep 2009

Thank you all for your responses.

Ruthelizabeth and Beckymarie - I have no shortage of things to get done and that has kept me going the last 10 months . I guess I have lost my motivation.

Grandmafay - I completely agree....everyone expects me to be on top of my grief. My lack of motivation to get moving meant 4 weeks of no cleaning and practically no cooking. On the weekend I spent 7 hours cleaning the house and yesterday we finally had a hot meal that I cooked from scratch.

I think this rough patch is a bit more than just having lots on my plate. I have hit a grief plateau (if only I'd also hit a weight gain plateau :)). I am seeing a different grief counsellor this afternoon. Dont quite know what I need yet but I know I need to do something ...the girls deserve better.

I think that's the biggest lesson in grieving...knowing when you need help and learning to ask for it.

S

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1612
Joined: Aug 2009

Knowing when you need help is moving forward. Fay

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

I know how you feel, but you have to be there for your girls. It sure isn't easy to get used to not having our husbands around. It's 7 months today since mine died. And I still have some days when I get teary. My kids are grown and I have 3 grandsons, so they check up on me alot. But it's really got to be hard for you raising the girls alone. Just hang in there and try to take a little time for yourself. I know at first I didn't even want to leave the house or talk to anyone. Now that I'm doing more things and being around people helps alot.
So take care & remember we're all here for you!!! Carole

ruthelizabeth
Posts: 146
Joined: May 2009

I have just realized that I'm living a cycle. I keep busy at work and am fairly good all week. Then on Sat. or even some weeks Fri. night I begin to feel down. As long as I keep busy on Sat or drive somewhere, I manage things okay. Then on Sunday I go to church and --- umm, you can't be too physically active in church and I fall into a hole. It takes two or sometimes three days to climb out and I'm at the beginning of the cycle again.

Since I've recognized the pattern, you'd think I should be able to short-circuit it. I'm going to try. But just how busy can you be all the time?

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