My Mom is dying

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poolem
poolem Member Posts: 1
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
My Mom has stage iv breast cancer that has spread to other organs and her bones. She is in a great deal of pain.

Today a doctor told me that there was nothing more they could do to help her. Just keep her comfortable at this point.

I knew that was coming, but it did not make it any easier to hear or to tell my Mom.

I lost my father already to AIDS and it is awful to now watch my Mother suffer like this.

I am not sure why I am on here. But I just wanted to get it out. It upsets my Mother to see me upset, so i am trying to put on a brave front, but it's hard.

I never thought in a million years that at 35 I would not have my parents. But it is happening and i just have to watch it and be gratful for the time I have with her. But some days, like today, I am just pissed and very scared.

It's just not fair...

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  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #2
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    This comment has been removed by the Moderator
  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #3
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    you are right
    It isn't fair and it is very hard to go through this.

    I'm sorry you find yourself in this place in this time in your life, poolem. Your mother is blessed to have you there with her and while it may not feel like it for awhile, that you are able to be there for your mother will turn out to be a blessing for you.

    I will say a prayer for you and your mom.

    Please know that you are not alone. There are many people on this site who will be reaching out to you with their similar experiences.

    Hugs.
  • bookgeek71
    bookgeek71 Member Posts: 5
    #4
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    I'm sorry
    I know how you feel. My mom also has Stage IV breast cancer. It's spread into her bones and spine. The doctor hasn't said anything like that to me. However, I've watched her deteriorate pretty bad the last year. Several times a week, she asks me if she's dying. Or expresses fear about dying. Almost everyday I have to fight her to eat.

    This isn't pretty to watch. I'm 39, and my father died over ten years ago. So, I'm also facing the fact of not having any parents alive. It sucks. But, we'll get through this and survive. I know that we will. You're doing a great thing for your mother and that will also help you get through.

    You and your mother are in my prayers.
  • AnnaLeigh
    AnnaLeigh Member Posts: 187 Member
    #5
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    Strength for caring
    Hi Poolem,

    I'm glad you found these boards and a safe place to let out your feelings. All of them !!!

    For me, the anger comes and goes as does the sadness and grief. Other days I find myself accepting what my husband is going through. He is taking this with much more grace than I am. But all of these emotions are truly a process and not something we can control, manage, predict, interpret or cure.

    When we can remember to take each moment and each day as it comes, it helps us have the strength to continue. We love them so much that we are bound to hurt when we see them hurting.

    So we will wish for peace and comfort for each other and our other dear friends on this board and help each other along the way.

    Best wishes to you. It is so evident that you are a loving, kind and caring daughter.
  • Tina Blondek
    Tina Blondek Member Posts: 1,500 Member
    #6
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    Welcome
    Hello Poolm and your mom and welcome. You are never alone here. We are always here for you. It will help you to come here often to vent, share, cry, etc. We will quickly become your friend. We have all been where you are. I lost my dad this past March to esophageal cancer with mets to the liver. It is very difficult to watch your loved one suffer and be in so much pain. Their quality of life is gone. You have to look at that, versus the quantity of her life. You get to a point in the journey with cancer that you have to accept that there is nothing else that can be done. You have to make things as pain free as you can for your mom. I would also suggest that you look into hospice for both of you. Hospice is wonderful. The people there will help you understand the process of dying. They will help you accept it easier. It is not fair to us, but is it fair to your mom to keep her here on earth with no quality of life? With so much pain and suffering? You know the answer to those questions. Please learn to give your mom your blessing. Give your mom the peace she needs to move on. I had to with my dad, and I am so glad I did. He was in remission for 12 mos, the cancer went to his liver and he suffered terribly for 3 months. He just kept getting worse. The day I told him he had all of our blessings to leave, he passed away that evening. Very quietly and peacefully in the arms of my mom, brother, and nephew. God be with you and your mom and grant you the peace and strength you both need at this most difficult time. Stay in touch when you can. We will be thinking of you both and praying for your daily.
    Tina in Va
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #7
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    Hang in There
    I used to tell our sons, when they complained about something not being fair, that life isn't fair. I think the older we get we realize how true that is. I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Being a caregiver for a terminally Ill loved one is really hard. I hope you have contacted hospice. They can help you through this. They can't make it any easier, but they can give you support as you navigate this. They are also very good with pain control. You're right that you need to cherish the time you have. As one friend said about losing her son to cancer, don't leave anything left unsaid. Tell your mom that you love her and share gentle hugs. Talk about good memories. Play her favorite music. It is ok to be angry and scared. Reach out to friends for support. Come here when you need to. Others have found writing in a journal to be helpful, too. Take care of yourself. I know that is easier said than done, but you really need to do that. Fay
  • Luv2lunch
    Luv2lunch Member Posts: 270
    #8
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    I'm so sorry you are having
    I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. You and your Mom will be in my thoughts and prayers.
    Enjoy the time that you do have together. It is very precious time.
    Love,
    Linda
  • MRivera0929
    MRivera0929 Member Posts: 13
    #9
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    I'm sorry...
    It seems as though you and I are going through very similar experiences right now. My mother also has stage IV breast cancer. Her breast cancer has metastasized in to her lungs and possibly other places. She has a lot of bone pain and they suspect it might be there as well. They don't want to give her anymore chemo as they almost killed her with it last year. So they are also trying to focus on comfort. My father is also gone. I lost him 16 years ago to a sudden heart attack. My only sibling is also gone; he passed away two years ago. I understand everything you are feeling right now and I'm sorry you are going through it. You are not alone though and you will find support here. As you can see there are many people here who undersand what you are going through. I know there isn't much I can say to make you feel better. All I can say is that as hard as it seems right now you will get through this. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. If you ever need to just vent or talk to someone please don't hesitate to contact me.

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