Trying to find my mojo

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pinkapples
pinkapples Member Posts: 54 Member
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
I am a generally upbeat positive person; acually been accused of being too happy! I have always believed you should be greatful for the blessings you have, I rarely complain and always have chosen to not dwell on the negative in life....even when tragedy struck with horrors such as my son dying, dad comitting suicide, etc.

But now, well, I am struggling to find my mojo. I have recently finished my reconstruction sugery and now have permanent implants and am cancer free!!! I should be happier now than ever before; so why am I so depressed??? When I was diagnosed I decided that very day, that cancer would not define me and I would not give into it. I have made it through an entire year with very little tears and only a few down days, but now that its all over, I am a mess. I'm crying everyday, hate the way I look, feel sad and I dont even really know why!? I am feeling lost like Im loosing my footing.

Has anyone gone through this lost feeling, and is there hope arounds the corner; or am I destined to be one of those neggative people I used to get annoyed with?

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  • mwallace1325
    mwallace1325 Member Posts: 806
    #2
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    Don't worry
    I think it's a normal reaction. You've been fighting for a year, doing everything you could with a medical team behind you fighting to be "cancer free". Then very abruptly the fight is over, the chemo and rads you hated, the meds for the side effects, the surgeries, the reconstruction - all the "active" fighting is over. You feel alone, almost abandoned, and while every day for all of us is a worry to some degree about recurrence, or mets, or the next test, the team is for all intents and purposes gone. I know I cried more after treatment than during. Not that I wasn't miserable at times and not that I didn't break down sometimes, but after it's over I think is when it really hits you - you've fought cancer, probably the toughest battle you've faced and hopefully the toughest one you'll ever have to face and right now you've won. Give yourself some time to be sad, to cry, to be scared, to feel alone, and if it seems that it's not going away, please talk to your doctor because as I've been told there is a PTSD attached to this whole thing.
    Good luck and keep us posted on how you're doing.

    marge
  • mariam_11_09
    mariam_11_09 Member Posts: 691
    #3
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    I don't think you are

    I don't think you are destined to be a negative person and I think it is normal to feel lost, down and a little depressed. You have gone through some pretty traumatic treatment that has side effects that persist in some way or another, sometimes subtle for some time afterwards. You really need to give yourself time. What you are going through is normal.

    Our clinic has support for cancer patients who have finished treatment to offer them guidance on how to move into the post treatment area of their lives. A year is a long time for treatment and it takes up so much or our time, strength and courage. Even for those of us who have kept up as much as we can with our normal lives, working and dealing with kids etc. post treatment still brings up the question of 'Now what?'. You are not defined by cancer but how you defined yourself before cancer is up for question too and that is alright. You are moving into new territory, unknown and unexplored. It is sad to let go of what we were before cancer and scary to move into something we have no idea of.

    I have had surgery, chemo and am almost done with rads. I still have herceptin until June of next year. I too am upbeat, deeply grateful for what I do have in life but I also feel very sad and cry a lot and this started at the end of chemo. There are days when I feel really down, crabby and anti-social. And I give myself the space to feel that way and just let it pass through. You don't always need to know why you feel the way you do, you just feel that way. Do the things that support you, your physical, emotional and spiritual well-being. Self-compassion is important on this journery.

    take care.
  • cindycflynn
    cindycflynn Member Posts: 1,132 Member
    #4
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    Not unusual at all
    To feel the way you're feeling now, and since you are already so aware of the kind of person you want to be (or not be), I'm certain that you will find your way to a new normal that is a very positive place. It just may not be positive 100 percent of the time, but that's OK.

    As Marge and Miriam have said, be gentle with yourself and just allow yourself this time to grieve. Getting frustrated about feeling down will only make it harder to get through this tough time. I know it's easier said than done, but you can do it.

    We are always here if you just need to vent. We get it.

    Take care,
    Cindy
  • Stilltrying
    Stilltrying Member Posts: 10
    #5
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    I understanding exactly how
    I understanding exactly how you feel. It has been 14 months since my bilateral mastectomy and the year's anniversary for implants is coming up in December. I too feel I should be happier than I feel now. I am cancer free and feel like I should try something new and exciting. Most of the time, unfortunately, I feel too tired to do much and just work and sleep. Everyone tells me there is hope around the corner. I don't think you will be a negative person (me either I hope).

    So, no, it is not unusual and I go through these same feelings daily.

    Take care of yourself and try to go back to what you enjoyed before treatments began.
  • Gabe N Abby Mom
    Gabe N Abby Mom Member Posts: 2,413
    #6
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    I think you're getting great
    I think you're getting great advice. I don't have anything to add, except my support and positive thoughts. Congratulations on the cancer free status!!!

    Hugs to you,

    Linda
  • Wolfi
    Wolfi Member Posts: 425
    #7
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    Normal
    Sounds perfectly normal to me (my surgery was 14 months ago).

    There are a lot of things to "process" when dealing with cancer and treatment. I found that I could get through things just fine at the time but later (when I had time to think) I could get very emotional. I urge you to join a support group in your area, make an appointment with a counselor (I see one that specializes in cancer patients) or talk to your doctor about anti-depresants.

    It doesn't hurt to cry every day as long as you feel like you are working through the feelings you have about your bc journey. There is always hope around the next corner - we just never know where the next corner will be.

    Take care and keep posting - it helps.

    Wolfi
  • lynn1950
    lynn1950 Member Posts: 2,570
    #8
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    I agree with the other
    I agree with the other posts. It's hard to process the whole experience while you're fighting for your life. I too didn't "fall apart" until after chemo and rads were over. I was exhausted. And then finally I cried. And cried. And cried. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to heal emotionally. If you are really struggling seek help. Counseling, meditation, yoga, medication, prayer, support groups, music - these are all tools that can help you get through this part of your journey. xoxoxoxo Lynn
  • pinkapples
    pinkapples Member Posts: 54 Member
    #9
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    lynn1950 said:

    I agree with the other
    I agree with the other posts. It's hard to process the whole experience while you're fighting for your life. I too didn't "fall apart" until after chemo and rads were over. I was exhausted. And then finally I cried. And cried. And cried. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself time to heal emotionally. If you are really struggling seek help. Counseling, meditation, yoga, medication, prayer, support groups, music - these are all tools that can help you get through this part of your journey. xoxoxoxo Lynn

    What a difference a day makes
    Wow, thank you all so very much for your replies!! Somehow, knowing that the feelings I am having are normal and I'm not loosing my mind has made a huge difference. I got drain tubes out yesterday and slept in my bed last night; small steps but surely a big deal for me!
    This board is an amazing resource with so much information, compassion and support that it inspires me to forge ahead and face the new life awaiting me...
    Thank you again, and God Bless ;)
  • natly15
    natly15 Member Posts: 1,941
    #10
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    Pinkapples I completed my
    Pinkapples I completed my last rad treatemmnt June 15. It was a year on Oct 6 that I started chemo. My surgeries were prior to chemo and rads. I can tell you that you are not alone. I am going thru the same thing you are going thru and I'm seriously thinking about seeking out some counselling. I'm an up positive person as well. I'm tired and struggling to find that new normal . My mind swants to do things my body just cannot deliver. we will get thru this. I was great during treatment and now the depression has set in. I'm the type of person who takes the bull by the horns, takes care of the problem and then struggles with the aftermath.

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