Will we ever laugh?

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nyogus1
nyogus1 Member Posts: 30
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
My husband and I used to laugh. Somestimes so hard we couldn't control it. It felt so good. We haven't laughed since the diagnosis in April of this year (and since he didn't feel good before, quite some time before that).

He has completed his first round of 6 chemo treatments, and still receives Avastin & Erbitux weekly as study drugs. He is in partial remission, but still has a lot of pain from the cancer. He also has pain from neuropathy in both feet. It is painful to walk or stand. He has stage 4 non small cell lung with metz to bone & lymph.

I have begun to wonder, will we ever laugh again? Will we have joy? How can I help him to laugh again? Or is this journey to find joy his alone to take?

Then, we were at the Dr. this week. His Dr. smiled and said "You are doing so well I'm using your case as an example for the collegues for how well someone can respond to Chemotherapy and the study drugs". My husband did not react. No smile. Then when we got to the car, he looked at me and said "I don't believe him". And a little later said "If I'm doing so well, why do I hurt so much?"

We talked a little last night about his reaction to the Dr., and he said he doesn't want the cancer to just go away. He said then he'd go through a period where they won't give him weekly treatments, and maybe he'll start to feel (mentally) OK again. Then when the cancer comes back, he'd be devistated all over again. He said he could not stand that. These are his feelings, and I must accept them. Are they normal?

Nancy

Comments

  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #2
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    Fear
    Somewhere else on this site we discussed how we cannot let fear become the beast that rules our homes and our lives. It sounds like your husband kind of feels that if he doesn't stand up he can't get knocked back down. In a sense, this is true, even though we might not want to admit it.

    I think it will take time, Nancy. My husband got his post-treatment PET scan results yesterday. Oddly, although we were vastly relieved to get the results, we find that we are not even yet cautiously optimistic.

    I do believe we will get there. And, yes, unfortunately, we may face cancer again.

    The new normal is something we all must adjust to. It takes time.
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    #3
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    This comment has been removed by the Moderator
  • kimmygarland
    kimmygarland Member Posts: 312
    #4
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    unknown said:

    This comment has been removed by the Moderator

    My husband is Similar
    When he had his surgery, and we told him the doc said he got it all and got clean margins and cancer was gone, he asked me several times if I believe him. He is VERY cautiously optimistic I'd say.

    Your words about will we laugh again hit a cord with me, brought tears to my eyes - my husband has always been a joker, always laughing, very positive, and now the light seems to have gone out of his eyes. My heart breaks just sitting here "talking" about it.

    God, please let us laugh again....
  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #5
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    kimmygarland said:

    My husband is Similar
    When he had his surgery, and we told him the doc said he got it all and got clean margins and cancer was gone, he asked me several times if I believe him. He is VERY cautiously optimistic I'd say.

    Your words about will we laugh again hit a cord with me, brought tears to my eyes - my husband has always been a joker, always laughing, very positive, and now the light seems to have gone out of his eyes. My heart breaks just sitting here "talking" about it.

    God, please let us laugh again....

    Jim is so much the same
    I wonder if we are dealing with depression...I'm going to give it just a bit more time with Jim and then talk to our family doctor about this.

    Jim has always been a quieter person but loves a good belly laugh.

    Losing that to cancer is something I just can't let happen.
  • kimmygarland
    kimmygarland Member Posts: 312
    #6
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    Noellesmom said:

    Jim is so much the same
    I wonder if we are dealing with depression...I'm going to give it just a bit more time with Jim and then talk to our family doctor about this.

    Jim has always been a quieter person but loves a good belly laugh.

    Losing that to cancer is something I just can't let happen.

    Depression
    We did go to our pcp last week and they increased Bob's antidepressant medication. Doc said it would take a couple of weeks to fully kick in, but I hope it works.

    I tell you what, all this dang medicine. I feel like I could be a pharmacist some days!
  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #7
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    kimmygarland said:

    Depression
    We did go to our pcp last week and they increased Bob's antidepressant medication. Doc said it would take a couple of weeks to fully kick in, but I hope it works.

    I tell you what, all this dang medicine. I feel like I could be a pharmacist some days!

    Medications
    And Jim is bucking so much against medications now (although he still has considerable pain from the swelling in his ear - caused by the radiation to the area) that I doubt I could get him to even consider an anti-depressant.

    Thinking about taking him to a good comedy at the movies this weekend. We both need the diversion.

    I do believe laughter is the best medicine - just getting him to take it is the problem lately!
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #8
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    Hi Nancy
    I am going to throw my two cents in although you can probably discount it to a penny. After my husband's first reoccurrence be decided that we weren't expecting a cure. We were buying time, and my husband wanted to buy as much time as possible. That helped both of us deal with subsequent reoccurrencs. I was lucky that my husband never lost his sense of humor, though. I do credit that with helping us through some of the tough times. I am sure your husband misses the laughter, too. Studies have shown that watching funny movies is good for you. You might want to rent some good ones. He is probably just sick and tired of being sick and tired. Take care, Fay
  • webbwife50
    webbwife50 Member Posts: 394
    #9
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    survival
    Dearest Nancy, you are his hero! I am a cautiously optimistic bc survivor, not even a year out of treatment, and my hubby/caregiver and I are realizing we are going to have to work at getting to the point of regular laughter. Cancer beat it out of us. The fear is paralizing and the pain is exhausting. I don't really know how to explain the feelings of anger, fear, being medicated and dependant, make it hard to laugh. They bring out feelings of anger and resentment and you don't know what to be angry at. NMaybe on a good evening, having a glass of wine or two and a funny movie, may something older that brings back feelings from healthier times, like Eddie Murphy's, Raw. Antianxiety meds helped me at times. God bless you and your husband, alison
  • Luv2lunch
    Luv2lunch Member Posts: 270
    #10
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    Hi Nancy,
    I can kind of
    Hi Nancy,
    I can kind of relate to you. My Mom was soooo full of life before she was diagnosed with rectal cancer in March. She was a chubby, goofy, sarcastic 78 year old grandmother, very independent. This cancer thing has definately changed her. She knows it. She will have her moments which she tries to hide from me because she knows how much I worry about her, and want to "fix" her, make her pain go away. But I just try and act normal around her. I let her talk about it whenever she wants. For the most part, she will bounce back. We joke about her bag and stoma. Like I said, she is very sarcastic, so the jokes help her. She will laugh, which warms my heart.
    Maybe your husband just needs some more time to adjust to things. We will pray that things continue to go well for him. Once things continue to progress in the right way, maybe he can find the "laughter" again. I hope so.
    Sending you good thoughts and prayers,
    Linda
  • HeartofSoul
    HeartofSoul Member Posts: 729 Member
    #11
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    Luv2lunch said:

    Hi Nancy,
    I can kind of
    Hi Nancy,
    I can kind of relate to you. My Mom was soooo full of life before she was diagnosed with rectal cancer in March. She was a chubby, goofy, sarcastic 78 year old grandmother, very independent. This cancer thing has definately changed her. She knows it. She will have her moments which she tries to hide from me because she knows how much I worry about her, and want to "fix" her, make her pain go away. But I just try and act normal around her. I let her talk about it whenever she wants. For the most part, she will bounce back. We joke about her bag and stoma. Like I said, she is very sarcastic, so the jokes help her. She will laugh, which warms my heart.
    Maybe your husband just needs some more time to adjust to things. We will pray that things continue to go well for him. Once things continue to progress in the right way, maybe he can find the "laughter" again. I hope so.
    Sending you good thoughts and prayers,
    Linda

    To those of us that have
    To those of us that have experienced cancer, im not sure how we can ever feel comfortable with our bodies like we did before being dx with cancer. Every pain, bump, site of blood, a change in our bodies that wasnt present before, abnormal lab test, and illness captures our attention and accelerates our heartbeat. Its like a flashback that never quite leaves, lurking in our shadows as it fades in and out. Personally, I juggle not only the threat of a 3rd cancer recurrance but another organ rejection of my pancreas, a relaspe of type 1 diabetes, progression of heart failure & surgery, and the emergence of a new long term complication from previous chemo treatments. Im 53 years old and the day I was dx with type 1 diabetes in Sept 1977 at the age of 20, nothing has ever been the same. I remind myself how fortunate I have been during my life, including the caring doctors, top medical care, a lovely wife, a 32 yr career in the business world, and the numerous opportunities to turn events of misfortune into focusing on helping others where disease has entered in their lives so rudely. Depressison scares the hell out of me and i refuse to let it be the next intruder to steal what every time I have remaining.

    For everytime there is a human being that crosses our path within our lives, there is a moment to make a difference and offer kindess, compassion and understanding. I aspire to live for those moments. I love the members of CSN.
  • nyogus1
    nyogus1 Member Posts: 30
    #12
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    HeartofSoul said:

    To those of us that have
    To those of us that have experienced cancer, im not sure how we can ever feel comfortable with our bodies like we did before being dx with cancer. Every pain, bump, site of blood, a change in our bodies that wasnt present before, abnormal lab test, and illness captures our attention and accelerates our heartbeat. Its like a flashback that never quite leaves, lurking in our shadows as it fades in and out. Personally, I juggle not only the threat of a 3rd cancer recurrance but another organ rejection of my pancreas, a relaspe of type 1 diabetes, progression of heart failure & surgery, and the emergence of a new long term complication from previous chemo treatments. Im 53 years old and the day I was dx with type 1 diabetes in Sept 1977 at the age of 20, nothing has ever been the same. I remind myself how fortunate I have been during my life, including the caring doctors, top medical care, a lovely wife, a 32 yr career in the business world, and the numerous opportunities to turn events of misfortune into focusing on helping others where disease has entered in their lives so rudely. Depressison scares the hell out of me and i refuse to let it be the next intruder to steal what every time I have remaining.

    For everytime there is a human being that crosses our path within our lives, there is a moment to make a difference and offer kindess, compassion and understanding. I aspire to live for those moments. I love the members of CSN.

    I'm learning all the time
    I am learning all the time about this disease, and the crippling effect it has both physically and emotionally. I will wait it out hoping laughter returns, and if it doesn't, I have the memory. I will be there for him, no matter what.

    The Dr. said he could not cure him at Stage 4, but we have met so many people that have outlived the statistics. He has to learn how to REALLY LIVE on the time we were told he didn't have. He reminded me that he is now at the 6 month timeframe that was given to us as the longer side of his prognosis.

    The anti-depressants & sleep aid he has been on for 2 solid months has helped more than I can say. I'm grateful. I startd an anti-depressant, and after 2 months my Dr. & I decided I didn't need it. I've been crying a lot the last few days (been off 2 weeks). But I think I need to cry. The drugs were keeping me numb. I'm starting to feel normal again (I've always been the type to cry at AT&T commercials.) I also feel more like laughing again, which is probably where the root of this email trail started.

    Since I have been talking with him about laughing, it seems he is a bit more open to it. He actually picked up a couple melons in the grocery store and held them up to his chest the other day. He started to smile, then it disappeared fast and he lowered his hands. I guess he's just not ready to go all the way yet.

    Thanks to everyone for replying. It makes me feel not so alone.

    Nancy
  • Luv2lunch
    Luv2lunch Member Posts: 270
    #13
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    nyogus1 said:

    I'm learning all the time
    I am learning all the time about this disease, and the crippling effect it has both physically and emotionally. I will wait it out hoping laughter returns, and if it doesn't, I have the memory. I will be there for him, no matter what.

    The Dr. said he could not cure him at Stage 4, but we have met so many people that have outlived the statistics. He has to learn how to REALLY LIVE on the time we were told he didn't have. He reminded me that he is now at the 6 month timeframe that was given to us as the longer side of his prognosis.

    The anti-depressants & sleep aid he has been on for 2 solid months has helped more than I can say. I'm grateful. I startd an anti-depressant, and after 2 months my Dr. & I decided I didn't need it. I've been crying a lot the last few days (been off 2 weeks). But I think I need to cry. The drugs were keeping me numb. I'm starting to feel normal again (I've always been the type to cry at AT&T commercials.) I also feel more like laughing again, which is probably where the root of this email trail started.

    Since I have been talking with him about laughing, it seems he is a bit more open to it. He actually picked up a couple melons in the grocery store and held them up to his chest the other day. He started to smile, then it disappeared fast and he lowered his hands. I guess he's just not ready to go all the way yet.

    Thanks to everyone for replying. It makes me feel not so alone.

    Nancy

    Nancy,
    I'm glad the
    Nancy,
    I'm glad the medications are working for your husband. You also sound like you are doing a little better. I think everyone needs a good cry every now and then. (I too cry at commercials. The ones with animals, I have to turn the channel, lol).
    It sounds like your husband is taking baby steps, which is a good thing. Hang in there, he will come around in his own time.
    Good thoughts and prayers from me to you and your husband.
    Linda
  • coachwife
    coachwife Member Posts: 4
    #14
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    Will we ever laugh
    I haven not posted before but have been reading posts for the last few days. Then I read yours and it was so close to what I just had been thinking that I had to respond. My husband was diagnosed 4 months ago and has been through 31 radiation treatments and 2 weeks of chemo. while the prognosis is good, I was sad tonight thinking how I missed his personality and our relationship. It makes you wish you had really been more in the moment of those times you miss. I know i should focus on not dwelling too much on the past and end up missing the good moments that happen now. Sound really good but sure is not easy!

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