Frustration!!!

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Pennymac02
Pennymac02 Member Posts: 332 Member
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
Ugh. We had an argument last night because he is refusing to leave maessages when he calls the doctors office, and is angry that he can't get thru to speak to a person. (Veterans Affairs)So I told him that I didn't think he was proactive enough in trying to communicate with the doctors, that he has to leave voicemails and keep calling to get a call back, and he got mad. Because it's the V.A. I can't call for him. Now this morning he made the phone calls and left the messages, but he is so grumpy/cranky/nasty that I wish I hadn't said anything! I think his ammonia level is up, that usually gets him pretty agitated, as well. I'm wishing I didn't work from home today!!!

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  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #2
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    he's not mad at you
    Penny,

    You know it's the system that he's kicking against. It is pretty demeaning to not be able to talk to a person when you already feel awful.

    Hugs to you. I know this is rough - being the caregiver for a grumpy person should be worth twice the points :)
  • kayaker01
    kayaker01 Member Posts: 20 Member
    #3
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    hi
    is he a member of the DAV or American Legion? My husband has had much success having the DAV go to bat for him.
  • kayaker01
    kayaker01 Member Posts: 20 Member
    #4
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    Noellesmom said:

    he's not mad at you
    Penny,

    You know it's the system that he's kicking against. It is pretty demeaning to not be able to talk to a person when you already feel awful.

    Hugs to you. I know this is rough - being the caregiver for a grumpy person should be worth twice the points :)

    AMEN!!!!

    AMEN!!!!
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #5
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    try email?
    Don't know if it will work for you, but I've had the best luck getting the email addresses of Mom's oncologists' nurse, lymphedema therapist and a couple of other pivotal people. With Mom's approval, I email them and describe the problem more accurately than she could, and they call her if they need more information or need to tell her something. Sometimes I also get an email back. I always put her name in the subject line and include her DOB and home phone number in the message. Several times it has been our best form of communication.
  • kimmygarland
    kimmygarland Member Posts: 312
    #6
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    Barbara53 said:

    try email?
    Don't know if it will work for you, but I've had the best luck getting the email addresses of Mom's oncologists' nurse, lymphedema therapist and a couple of other pivotal people. With Mom's approval, I email them and describe the problem more accurately than she could, and they call her if they need more information or need to tell her something. Sometimes I also get an email back. I always put her name in the subject line and include her DOB and home phone number in the message. Several times it has been our best form of communication.

    Understand
    I understand your frustration.... I try so hard to get Bob to do things a certain way and he WON'T. Then I have to remember that he still has a (somewhat stubborn) mind of his own and I just need to sit back and let him figure it out. Easier said than done, and I'm not always able to do it - but I try. hang in there.
  • karenbeth
    karenbeth Member Posts: 194
    #7
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    know what you mean
    I am a very proactive person and want to get things done right away, and keep the momentum up. My boyfriend says I need to let him go at his own pace. But his pace sometimes makes me crazy--as someone else commented, I try to respect his ways, but at the same time voice my opinion. I do ask him before taking it upon myself to make calls or do things for him, but it's definitely at times an issue between us. And yesterday I did make a call for him because I could see he was frustrated with voicemails and bureaucracy and was avoiding it for several days. We had a discussion about this issue and are trying to use it as a means of improving our communication with each other. Not easy!!
  • ruthelizabeth
    ruthelizabeth Member Posts: 138
    #8
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    You could try this.
    Don had no patience with phone systems or voice messages, etc. I'm a secretary so I'd place the calls for him, right up to the point where I got a live person. Then I'd hand over to him.

    And, yes, however horrible the system is, there is almost always a way to get a genuine person. Sometimes it takes a little ingenuity, but there's usually a way to do it.
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #9
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    Phone Calls
    I agree that this is really frustrating. I often did the phoning because my husband didn't like doing it. If you continue having problems, you might try calling your congress reps office. They can often cut through the red tape and get something happening. I have known people who have had real success with this. Fay
  • Pennymac02
    Pennymac02 Member Posts: 332 Member
    #10
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    Thanks
    Thanks for all of the feedback. I know he's angry at the system and not really at me, but i guess I'm feeling pretty sensitive because of the hurry up and wait syndrome. He does let his feelings come out "sideways" and since I'm the one here, I bear the brunt. I needed to vent that I am not feeling too compassionate today, especially since he's complaining a lot but not taking any action to change anything.
  • zinniemay
    zinniemay Member Posts: 522
    #11
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    Pennymac02 said:

    Thanks
    Thanks for all of the feedback. I know he's angry at the system and not really at me, but i guess I'm feeling pretty sensitive because of the hurry up and wait syndrome. He does let his feelings come out "sideways" and since I'm the one here, I bear the brunt. I needed to vent that I am not feeling too compassionate today, especially since he's complaining a lot but not taking any action to change anything.

    we are go there
    I think we all seam to have been there in one way or another. The fear is sometimes a stopper to YYou want to know but you really don't want to hear it. He sounds like he is scare and wants to know but does not want to ask. We slowly learn the one day at a time around our house. I like you I hear it from my husband and have leanred if I let it get to me I will be mad too. Once in a while It gets to me but I am so trying to learn to let him be mad , let him have his way! At the end of the day I still love him and he still loves me. We just don't know where to put our feelings
  • Tina Blondek
    Tina Blondek Member Posts: 1,500 Member
    #12
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    Pennymac02 said:

    Thanks
    Thanks for all of the feedback. I know he's angry at the system and not really at me, but i guess I'm feeling pretty sensitive because of the hurry up and wait syndrome. He does let his feelings come out "sideways" and since I'm the one here, I bear the brunt. I needed to vent that I am not feeling too compassionate today, especially since he's complaining a lot but not taking any action to change anything.

    Hey Pennymac
    Sorry you are
    Hey Pennymac
    Sorry you are having to deal with an "Oscar" at the moment, but the others are all right. It is not you he is mad at....it is the cancer, the pain, the v a system, etc. You just happen to be the only one there for him to go off on. My dad was the same way with my mom. I was the one who had to take control of all of the calls. I like the suggestion of you getting on the phone first, staying on until you get that actual "live" person, and then letting him take the call. If this would be possible, I think it would work well. Hang in there. You know we are always here for you!
    Tina in Va
  • Pennymac02
    Pennymac02 Member Posts: 332 Member
    #13
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    Tina Blondek said:

    Hey Pennymac
    Sorry you are
    Hey Pennymac
    Sorry you are having to deal with an "Oscar" at the moment, but the others are all right. It is not you he is mad at....it is the cancer, the pain, the v a system, etc. You just happen to be the only one there for him to go off on. My dad was the same way with my mom. I was the one who had to take control of all of the calls. I like the suggestion of you getting on the phone first, staying on until you get that actual "live" person, and then letting him take the call. If this would be possible, I think it would work well. Hang in there. You know we are always here for you!
    Tina in Va

    The ER
    Turns out his ammonia level was 101!!! We spent the day at the ER/hospital, had an extensive MRI, and came home about an hour ago. They've re-arranged his meds a bit and gave him the Latilose to help cut down the ammonia. He was like a different person afterward. One of the doctors said that the MRI was the test they were waiting on to send to Washington to see if he'll get approval for a liver transplant. Fingers and toes are crossed, but I'll be hurrying up to wait for a while. I HATE the waiting part after the tests are taken!!!

    Thank you so much for letting me vent here. I've been reading more and posting less lately, but this site really helps me feel like I'm in touch with people who care. Thanks, guys!
    Penny
  • kimmygarland
    kimmygarland Member Posts: 312
    #14
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    Pennymac02 said:

    The ER
    Turns out his ammonia level was 101!!! We spent the day at the ER/hospital, had an extensive MRI, and came home about an hour ago. They've re-arranged his meds a bit and gave him the Latilose to help cut down the ammonia. He was like a different person afterward. One of the doctors said that the MRI was the test they were waiting on to send to Washington to see if he'll get approval for a liver transplant. Fingers and toes are crossed, but I'll be hurrying up to wait for a while. I HATE the waiting part after the tests are taken!!!

    Thank you so much for letting me vent here. I've been reading more and posting less lately, but this site really helps me feel like I'm in touch with people who care. Thanks, guys!
    Penny

    Hurry Up and Wait
    It gets SO old! Glad they figured out his meds and hope it helps.

    Hang in there with the waiting, so difficult.

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