kids
Comments
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i dont know what to doneon356 said:Seems to me there will be
Seems to me there will be stress either way. Having cancer affects our lives too much as it is, and you shouldn't let it affect decisions like that. Do what's right. It won't make the cancer worse.
i dont know what to do anymore im losing my mind0 -
This comment has been removed by the Moderatorneon356 said:Seems to me there will be
Seems to me there will be stress either way. Having cancer affects our lives too much as it is, and you shouldn't let it affect decisions like that. Do what's right. It won't make the cancer worse.0 -
Hi.
I have three teenagers at home, 17, 15, 15. Well they act like normal teenagers; they fight quite often. When I was first diagnosed two years ago my husband was very honest with the boys (worst offenders) about how serious this was and they needed to do some maturing pronto! They really have made progress but are not yet perfect but seem to be more aware of the fact that the world does not revolve around them. How old are your children?
My oldest will be in college next year and it would be much better for us if he lived at home. However, there is a level of stress with him in the house that for my health I will gladly pay for him to live on campus. There comes a point when it is time for our children to stand on their own two feet. Now I don't know about paying for it......that's a decision you need to make for the sake of your household.
Having said all that, I would venture to say that everyone in your house is still in shock. It looks like this is still fresh. Does your cancer center have a counselor you or you and your husband or even all os you can see?
One other thing I am trying to learn is to change the way I react to the stress of the kids........I can be part of the problem sometimes too. Sometimes I show improvement........sometimes not........just like them.........so we are all working on extending grace to one another.
Take Care,
Catherine0 -
Tina
OK, I have to say that when I first responded to your post, it brought up all kinds of things for me and I responded, read, and erased it all. So, thank you for bringing some things to light for me. It's all a learning experience!
Unfortunately, life just keeps happening even though we have cancer. I have to tell you I hated that because it felt like it was all I could deal with just to get through the days and I felt like come on give me a break already. I always told my kids that there are no brakes in life. It doesn't matter how hard you slam on the brake pedal, life just keeps going and you keep going too. After I was dx'd I had to tell myself all kinds of things that I had told my kids and that was one of them. Lori, there are no brakes in life. Just keep going. I had multiple, very significant life altering situations happen immediately after my dx and hospitalization and it didn’t seem fair and it wasn’t fair but, it was life. Yep, life keeps happening with total disregard to our cancer. Ugh!
Maybe it’s time to sit the children down and have a frank discussion about hubby’s health and get real with them. A little counseling never hurt anyone. Get some help if you need it. They need to know that their actions affect other people and sometimes it’s easy for children to forget that when it comes to their parents. And just to let you know, my head said “just smack those kids”.
But, of course I wouldn’t suggest such a thing. ☺0 -
thank you everyone .and loriLori-S said:Tina
OK, I have to say that when I first responded to your post, it brought up all kinds of things for me and I responded, read, and erased it all. So, thank you for bringing some things to light for me. It's all a learning experience!
Unfortunately, life just keeps happening even though we have cancer. I have to tell you I hated that because it felt like it was all I could deal with just to get through the days and I felt like come on give me a break already. I always told my kids that there are no brakes in life. It doesn't matter how hard you slam on the brake pedal, life just keeps going and you keep going too. After I was dx'd I had to tell myself all kinds of things that I had told my kids and that was one of them. Lori, there are no brakes in life. Just keep going. I had multiple, very significant life altering situations happen immediately after my dx and hospitalization and it didn’t seem fair and it wasn’t fair but, it was life. Yep, life keeps happening with total disregard to our cancer. Ugh!
Maybe it’s time to sit the children down and have a frank discussion about hubby’s health and get real with them. A little counseling never hurt anyone. Get some help if you need it. They need to know that their actions affect other people and sometimes it’s easy for children to forget that when it comes to their parents. And just to let you know, my head said “just smack those kids”.
But, of course I wouldn’t suggest such a thing. ☺
thank you everyone .and lori my kids are 20,19, 12 its my 20 year old and my 19 thats doing the stress its not everyday they fight but omg when that do they do they go there dad and i told them you guys want fight go ahead kill each other but just leave your dad out of it .0 -
When my kids were younger...tina dasilva said:thank you everyone .and lori
thank you everyone .and lori my kids are 20,19, 12 its my 20 year old and my 19 thats doing the stress its not everyday they fight but omg when that do they do they go there dad and i told them you guys want fight go ahead kill each other but just leave your dad out of it .
they used to fight. Sometimes it would come to bodily injury between the two youngest ones. They were about 10 and 14 at the time.
I never interfered. If they wanted to go fisticuffs, fine. I never broke it up and I let their fights remain between the two of them.
They would come to me and want me to take sides, but of course, I didn't. Pretty soon, they quit fighting. Period. No more. At all.
I was a parent, not a referee. I refused to let myself be stressed by their actions. A twenty year old and a nineteen year old should be mature enough to sit down and rationally talk out their differences. If not, and if I were you, I would show them the door. You don't owe them money to leave. They should have jobs to move on their own.
I'm one of those tough moms. I always gave tough love. They're now very close.
Stress causes a host of health problems, mostly heart and blood pressure, immune issues and nobody wants that.0 -
Tina
I am so sorry this is happening. You two don't need this on top of eveything going on. I think sometimes our kids want everything to be the same + don't realize they need to make some adjustments to help with the family crisis. Your oldest two are also in that gray zone between being a kid and an adult + probably aren't always used to stepping up to the plate - they are more used to being taken care of themselves. This journey as one of my doctors said is more of a marathon than a sprint, + sometimes it is difficult to keep our energy up for the marathon.
Tina, I am not sure if you are aware that the Canadian Cancer Society has peerr support programs for survivors + caregivers. My husband has an amazing person for support; he started more than a year ago. I asked for a peer ~ 3 months ago + have talked to her a couple of times. She is a 23+ year survivor of stage 4 cancer + is doing very well.
Lastly, looking at your beautiful photo I can't believe you two have kids of that age!0 -
Tina life is as it is,tina dasilva said:thank you everyone .and lori
thank you everyone .and lori my kids are 20,19, 12 its my 20 year old and my 19 thats doing the stress its not everyday they fight but omg when that do they do they go there dad and i told them you guys want fight go ahead kill each other but just leave your dad out of it .
we got not kids, but believe me lately l been in such stress situations ( I'm CEO of a company which went in to chapter 11 last month) that
l though next cancer control was going to be a disaster but not! Of course tranquility is the best in any situation but l don't think you have to get mad
about how it would affect Jorge,s evolution.
Just keep calm ( if others allow you ,LOL).
Best and hugs!0 -
hmmmmmmmtina dasilva said:thank you everyone .and lori
thank you everyone .and lori my kids are 20,19, 12 its my 20 year old and my 19 thats doing the stress its not everyday they fight but omg when that do they do they go there dad and i told them you guys want fight go ahead kill each other but just leave your dad out of it .
Well the 19 and 20 year olds aren't minors anymore so maybe smacking them is OK? (just joking). Sometimes it seems the oldest act the youngest and it doesn't matter their age when it comes to being inconsiderate. Let them know they are being inconsiderate to Jorge. Maybe you can set some new boundaries with them. As life changes our boundaries sometimes need to change. Wishing you the best outcome with them!0 -
kids and stress
Hi Tina,
I'm sorry to hear things are going on w/ the kids and stressing everyone out. Boy, can I relate to that! My kids are 17, 14, and 10. The big fights and stress have gotten a little better lately w/ my 17 yr old, but my 14 yr old is more than making up for that. My 10 yr old was also very difficult for a while, but is doing better. All three kids and my husband all deal with depression- here I'm the one with the cancer and I have to try to boost up their moods and take the kids to the counselor, psych. for medicine for it all, and deal with my husband who refuses to get counseling or try any meds for depression. He has his ups and downs and his depression has seemed better lately, but it is always there a bit, affecting his outlook on life (the cup is either half empty or totally empty). I am now finally going to a counselor myself to have an outlet and a place where I can talk about things and try to get advice on how to handle specific situations.
Yes, life can be very hard & then we're told to avoid stress!
In your situation, maybe letting Jorgie move out would end up a good thing for a while anyhow, with less fighting in the house between kids. I don't have any other suggestions, but just know you're not alone in this kind of situation. I doubt there is any household that is completely stress free, although obviously some are definitely better than others.
You take care and I will say a prayer for your husband, you, and the kids.
Lisa0 -
HiAnneCan said:Tina
I am so sorry this is happening. You two don't need this on top of eveything going on. I think sometimes our kids want everything to be the same + don't realize they need to make some adjustments to help with the family crisis. Your oldest two are also in that gray zone between being a kid and an adult + probably aren't always used to stepping up to the plate - they are more used to being taken care of themselves. This journey as one of my doctors said is more of a marathon than a sprint, + sometimes it is difficult to keep our energy up for the marathon.
Tina, I am not sure if you are aware that the Canadian Cancer Society has peerr support programs for survivors + caregivers. My husband has an amazing person for support; he started more than a year ago. I asked for a peer ~ 3 months ago + have talked to her a couple of times. She is a 23+ year survivor of stage 4 cancer + is doing very well.
Lastly, looking at your beautiful photo I can't believe you two have kids of that age!
What if Dad gives him the money to move out, can he then make the rent on his own? IF no, and you can't either then guess home he stays. If he can make the rent, by all means why not have him move out, less stress. Can you afford to pay the rent, if so by all means, set a goal of say 3 months and state that he is on his own after that. Either way, don't redecorate his room!!
I pay my daughters rent; she lives with two other girls, and I would not have it any other way....too much stress to have her at home. Her rent isn't that much though. She is job hunting as soon as that happens she is on her own.
Talking about being responsible doesn't usually work at this age. The kids that are independent move out after high school or college....the ones that stay, well don't give them too much, they will move their family and kids in!
Just giving you things to think about...
By the way if in laws don't want stress on their son, which is bound to happen have your son move in with them....:)
Take it a day at a time. WE LOVE OUR KIDS, BUT SOME DAYS!!!
Nana0 -
thank you guys so very muchlisa42 said:kids and stress
Hi Tina,
I'm sorry to hear things are going on w/ the kids and stressing everyone out. Boy, can I relate to that! My kids are 17, 14, and 10. The big fights and stress have gotten a little better lately w/ my 17 yr old, but my 14 yr old is more than making up for that. My 10 yr old was also very difficult for a while, but is doing better. All three kids and my husband all deal with depression- here I'm the one with the cancer and I have to try to boost up their moods and take the kids to the counselor, psych. for medicine for it all, and deal with my husband who refuses to get counseling or try any meds for depression. He has his ups and downs and his depression has seemed better lately, but it is always there a bit, affecting his outlook on life (the cup is either half empty or totally empty). I am now finally going to a counselor myself to have an outlet and a place where I can talk about things and try to get advice on how to handle specific situations.
Yes, life can be very hard & then we're told to avoid stress!
In your situation, maybe letting Jorgie move out would end up a good thing for a while anyhow, with less fighting in the house between kids. I don't have any other suggestions, but just know you're not alone in this kind of situation. I doubt there is any household that is completely stress free, although obviously some are definitely better than others.
You take care and I will say a prayer for your husband, you, and the kids.
Lisa
thank you guys so very much .i had a word today with jorgie and told him if you want to move go ahead if you cant make it your welcome back but thats all i can do. and anne thanks and i also have 2 grandkids lol0 -
Just my opinion
When dealing with cancer the finances are often very tight. These are adult children. It is time for them to act that way. If he wants to move out, tell him to get a job and save his $$ so he can afford to move out. If you pay for him to move, he may likely expect you to continue paying.
Now if he asks for a loan to help him get moved, and expects to stand on his own two feet after that, and shows you a plan to make it work, I'd consider it. But if they can't save enough while living home for free, to get themselves moved, I question how they are going to survive once they move?
In any case, I'd make expectations clear. If these adult children want to continue their fighting, they need to take it elsewhere - it won't be tolerated in the house right now, or they are expected to move out. Period. That simple. And if they can't afford to move, then they'd better step it up a notch if they want to stay.
I just told my (21 in three weeks) daughter that she can live here rent free for her senior year of college, but she WILL keep her room, her bathroom, and any area of the house she uses clean. Period. No more leaving messes in the kitchen, family room, and never cleaning her own spaces. After my third reminder, I told her she could either stop using our kitchen or move out, because I would not be reminding or nagging or living with her mess any more. She tried to give me rent money. I refused it. I am not going to be her paid maid. I cannot keep up with cleaning after a house full any more. There comes a time when you need to set the rules in your own house - and they should be followed by adult children, or they should move out. She knows how serious I am now. I expect those living in my house to step it up - be responsible - not add to my stress.0 -
support
First i would like to say you are wonderful support for your husband. I always told my husband that I think cancer is harder on the ones who love us than it is on us who have it.
Im sorry you are going thru this and I agress stress should be avoided (with or without cancer) but its all about how he handles stress. i have no doubt with you by his side he has plenty of avenues to relieve stress and big shoulders to lean on. Just stay positive and help him see the positive too.
Remember to take care of you too.. Find your avenues!
Lots of love0 -
Children
Oh my can I relate to that. We have eight kids together and they all lived with us. As of just a couple years ago we still had our youngest daughter but she joined the Army. The fight never ceased (well they got better as they got older) and our house was all full of emotions. Can honestly say that back then the stress was terrible - even after they moved out as they still had issues so guess it just really never gets to the "all peaceful state." Tell your son that you expect him to respect his dad and his condition. He can't act like that anymore (well neither one should). If he wants to move out, let him, but be careful of starting to pay their way as it can get you into a huge bind in the future. Agreed a no stress life would be awesome, but who really has an all exclusive pass to a life without stress - thinking no one. Good luck
Kim0 -
first i would like toAnnabelle41415 said:Children
Oh my can I relate to that. We have eight kids together and they all lived with us. As of just a couple years ago we still had our youngest daughter but she joined the Army. The fight never ceased (well they got better as they got older) and our house was all full of emotions. Can honestly say that back then the stress was terrible - even after they moved out as they still had issues so guess it just really never gets to the "all peaceful state." Tell your son that you expect him to respect his dad and his condition. He can't act like that anymore (well neither one should). If he wants to move out, let him, but be careful of starting to pay their way as it can get you into a huge bind in the future. Agreed a no stress life would be awesome, but who really has an all exclusive pass to a life without stress - thinking no one. Good luck
Kim
first i would like to welcome Sonja the is a great place to meet great people .and thank you to everyone who has heard my cry and has send out kind words to make me feel better about my life .i feel im stronger now that ive talking to you guys.thank you again Tina0 -
My family
M
I have a brother and sister. Between all 3 of us we have 6.5 degrees and still did some stupid things. My mom is battling cancer now,but my dad had bladder cancer in 2000. My mom laid down the law and if we didn't follow the rules she said we needed to go. -If we stepped outta line and started argueing she would give us the eye. We still argued, because we are all very different, but after the talk and display of authority by sending one of us to stay with a relative for awhile, we kept the houpla down. We were in our mid 20's to late teens when this happened.0
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