Where I've been, where I am and where I am going.

Some know my story. It began a little over a year ago when I found out I had DCIS. Within a month of that diagnosis my mom was put under the care of hospice. In November she died from BC. Winter was agonizing as I waffled between traditional treatment for DCIS and DMX. I was BRAC1 and 2 negative but my mom and my grandmother have had BC. In February I opted for DMX with immediate reconstruction with TE's. That whole process proved longer, more difficult and painful than I expected. I finally had my TE's replaced with silicone implants seven weeks ago.

I've developed swelling in my fingers. Walking was a huge part of my life before BC. I walked 5 miles every day, lifted weights three times a week, did Pilates twice a week. I haven't been able to do that for six months. My belly has grown soft where it was once in shape. It's depressing not being able to do what I once did. After my exchange surgery I tried walking but my fingers would swell and not go down. Devastating. You can't get lymphedema with only one sentinel node removed? Bu## sh**. Look at my fingers! This summer it's been all I could do to get out of bed and move on with my life. No one told me that lymphedema was a possibility if you have sentinel nodes removed. Well, it is possible and I have it, not bad, but I have it. Getting to meet with a certified lymphedema specialist proved to be difficult. No one really believed me. Finally this summer, after a meltdown in my PC doctor's office, after a ultrasound on my arm to prove I didn't have a blood clot, I was finally able to get in to the occupational therapist. How healing it is to have someone believe you, take you seriously and help you. I've had that luxury the last few weeks. I've learned how to do the exercises to help, she is teaching me the massage techniques. The swelling in my fingers is gone, the pain in my fingers, armpit and side are gone. You don't know how much pain you've been in until it finally starts to go away. I'm so thankful. Today's been a good day. It's so nice to finally be pain free after six months of constant pain. Many of you have it worse than I've ever had. I just want you to know there is a corner. I'm beginning to see the light. My Spirit is lifted. I'm thankful for healing therapists and people who listen with compassion.

Last week I saw some pictures from a photographer named David Jay. I posted a thread called "The Scar Project." That's the name of his book. I'm going to bump it up. Please check it out. The pictures are of young breast cancer survivor's showing their scars. Some are defiant, some are crying, but all of it is real. When I looked at those beautiful young women and saw how beautiful they are, how hopeful they are, how sexy they are ... I saw myself in them. I never knew how deep the scars of cancer have affected me until I looked at those pictures. It resonated deeply within me ... I'm still trying to figure out the why ... but I think part of it is I have felt ugly, scarred, maimed for life, not sexy, not beautiful ... but when I saw those women I saw all of those things and if they still are all of those things ... so am I and so are you.

I'm leaving the past behind me and I'm looking forward to the future. It doesn't have to be like the hell this past year has been. I want you to know there's hope, there's light, there's healing.

Thank you for all the love and support you've shown me in the past year. I love you.
DawneHope