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bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

I have been going though another rough patch...the good thing is that each one I hit...I handle and the next one gets less horrible.
Some family drama is also adding to the mix...and trying to keep the two things separate...Bills death/family drama..is not easy.
People in general..including family members simply don't understand or comprenhend what we are going though and I for one am very grateful for this site...its comforting to know that there are others out there going though the very same thing I am.
Pat

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1613
Joined: Aug 2009

I really appreciate this site, too. It is hard for those who haven't been here to understand. I hope everyone is having a good weekend. Fay

bestmom
Posts: 5
Joined: Mar 2010

I dont think we do a very good job in this country of supporting those who are grieving. It takes a long time to process the death of a loved one. The expectation is that after a few months, we should be "over it" and get on with life like we did before the death. And that is just not the way things work. Its a long, painful process, and in reality we may never be the same. I had a rough weekend too. Thanks for sharing.

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

I totally agree with you about taking time to deal with our loss. My sister thought after 2 weeks when she'd call me and I'd be crying, she'd say " you have to get over this". What? After only 2 weeks? No one knows how it is till they go through it themselves. Have you seen a counselor? It really helps alot to talk to someone who understands & tells you that your feelings are normal. Weekends suck! Everyone is always doing something with their spouse & I feel very jealous. Guess we just have to take our time & eventually things will get better.
"Carole"

lilli1020
Posts: 114
Joined: Jul 2010

No doubt....I hate weekends. Nothing is fun about them for me anymore. The downtime is just more time to think and get myself into a depressing funk. There is no way I am getting over this any time soon but at least my friends and family don't expect me to...for now at least. There are some nights that the loneliness hurts so bad, I am not sure I will make it. But I know I have to because of my daughter but if it wasn't for her and my faith in God, following Doug to the grave would be something I would think of doing. Just being honest I guess.

God bless and good luck to one and all. Gayle

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Hi Everyone
I also am going through a tough patch right now, yesterday was 5 months, it was a very long weekend, felt like it would never end, plus I am going to my cousins on friday, first time i am traveling myself, don't know where i am going, have to take amtrak, a little overwhelmed, I saw my counselor today, and they really do help, she kind of put everything in perspective, and let me see that it is my self confidence that is lacking that is part of the problem, but I am feeling a little better and stronger now, and packed my bag, and I will be fine. This is all so hard and horrible.
Gayle I don't blame you for feeling like that, so do I
Take care
Karen

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1613
Joined: Aug 2009

Those first are always hard. I keep trying to ignore those month dates, but I can't. Our anniversary was tough. Thank goodness for the friends who were there for me. I think it is important for us to step beyond our comfort zone. Each new thing gives is just a little more self confidence. We are just not used to doing things alone. We'll get there. Gay

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

Let me start by saying that today was a huge roller coaster of emotions...but I survived.
Back before Bill became acutely ill..we had two new'ish cars....when it was apparent to me what was coming down the road I took the high road and sold my car..we didn't need two vehicles and I knew what the future held..they were both fully paid off...I sold mine because he had outfitted his for fishing and I didn't want to take away any happy thoughts he had about his SUV....it was a total fishin' buggy...rod holders and all.
Fast forward to the present..I am so tired of telling people that I don't fish...the SUV is quite an eye grabber and many people comment on it and its painful to keep explaining... and having constant reminder of Bill and his love of the beach and fishing everytime I get in that car.
Today I went all by myself and traded it in on a new car for myself...a simple..sensibel car...a few bells and whistles...but sensible.
I was incredibly sad to be walking away from the SUV..cried like a baby in the dealership..good thing they know us and know the history...but still I cried...on the other hand is the fact that I made this move...start to finish...I am thoughly proud of myself and I know Bill would be too....he just knew I was not going to continue to ride around in the beach buggy...less of course I took up fishing and that would never happen.
So today I took a flying leap out of my comfort zone and landed a solid 10....
Ladies..we are all such winners...Thanks for listening!
Pat

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Wow, I am impressed, that took a lot of strength, and you did it, that makes me feel good, knowing that we will be able to do things that we never did before, good for you, enjoy your new car
take care
hugs karen

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Hi Karen,
Well I did something for the first time today too. I took my car for an emission test! My husband was so good and did everything for me including putting gass in it for me. I've now done that twice too. I guess we just have to get used to doing things that they always did for us, right? It's so darn hard though, but we'll make it! Nice knowing how so many other people who've lost their spouse feel the same. "Carole"

Noellesmom
Posts: 1302
Joined: Aug 2010

Road trip!

I say you go pick up Closs86 and take her wherever she needs to go! Then, come and pick me up and we'll go to the beach - Gulf Shores, here we come!

I think that is just fantastic, Pat! Giving up the fishing SUV must have been tough, but I'm thinking Bill wouldn't blame you a bit - kind of doubt he would have continued driving around in a pink Mary Kay car that you left for him...I'm thinking he would have traded it in on a fishing SUV!

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

Gulf Shores?? awesome...sorry work calls today..maybe tomorrow !
He for sure wouldn't have blamed me...I doubt that the bright orange crossover I sold back in the day would have last long..way to many bells and whistles.and god knows I loved Bill but he was technically challenged for certain.
It was a good choice and I feel good about it today.
Pat

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1613
Joined: Aug 2009

I bought a new car a few months after Doug passed away. I cheated, though, and took my son with me. Actually, after much research, I told my son what I was looking for and he found it. I know someone else here said she bought a car, too. I guess we are helping the economy. Like I have said before, we are an awesome group. We are jumping hurdles and moving forward. That doesn't mean we aren't still grieving and little things still set us off. Yet we keep picking ourselves up. Take care everybody. Fay

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

I feel so different since setting the beach buggy free....several people commented at work today that I seemed different...lighter..was one term....
I read about people putting messages to loved one that have passed into balloons and setting them free to fly to the heavens....sort of a let go let God thing and thats how I feel today....driving home tonight in my car...a part of my new begining.
I did take the chain that Bill wore for the past 15 or so years....I had given it to him one Valentines Day and he never took it off...I put that chain in the car..so now he is with me in my new car....but the calm I feel is so welcomed..
Pat

Noellesmom
Posts: 1302
Joined: Aug 2010

Hooray for those surprising, unexpected, blessed feelings of calm in the midst of a storm!

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

I recently lost my husband, June of this year, and am going through this grieving process. I too bought a new car shortly after his passing. Living in New England, I thought I should have a 4-wheel drive car. My Accord also had quite a bit of mileage on it. Maybe just taking control of something is helpful.
Needless to say, I am struggling with the loss of my husband. We were married 32 yrs. and he was truly my best friend. I have gone from such a truly blessed life to one of such sadness and loneliness. I realize this is a process and it will take a long, long time. Just need some encouragement that things will eventually get a little better.
Peace to all.

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1560
Joined: Nov 2009

Hello Pat
So happy to see your post. You know I look forward to reading from you. You make me and mom feel like we are not alone in this grieving world! Good for you girlfriend! What a great idea you had to trade in Bill's suv. Why have two vehicles? Now....can you help me convince my mom to sell her 1990 something pick up and keep dad's beautiful 2004 Toyota pick up? She just put "another" $500 into her old pick up. I know I know, can't tell her anything. All in good time. I am proud of you Pat. That was a huge step for you. I know Bill is proud of you too. Thanks for sharing and keep up the good work.
Tina in Va

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

It has been three months since my husband passed. I too HATE the weekends. We were a very active couple and now I don't know what to do with myself. I have three grown children but don't want to become their weekend project. Lack of sleep is a real problem for me. I don't want to rely on sleeping pills but without them I am lucky to get 4hrs a night. I can relate to what you say about following Doug to the grave. I too wish I could just be with Terry.
I guess all we can do is put one foot in front of the other and hope some day it won't hurt quite so much.
Peace Becky

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

Haven't seen your name much around these parts..nice to "meet" you...sadly you are now a member of the "club" no one joins we just become members by losing the love of our lives.
My Bill passed this past April...its bee a rocky road for sure.
Many a day I wished to follow him....but truth be told that is not what he wanted for me and told me so in his last days.
I am crying less for sure but still have my moments...I do not plan to follow him now....I plan to live as best I can and when the time is right we will be together.
Sleeping has never been an issue for me...I just don't sleep..never did... so when Bill passed a change was not noticed..I know insomnia can be a huge problem for some.
We never had children...he had five from a prior marriage....so I am essentially alone...and that gets to be a problem sometimes....the sounds of silence can be deafening!
I was just thinking...today is 9/11...how many thousands of ladies lost their spouses on this day back a few years...I can't imagine what is like to be go though that...least I got to say good-bye and he was safe when he passed.
Pat

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

Bingles and 3Mana,
Thankyou for your replies. I used to be on the brain cancer discussion boards. I know that time will help, but as we all know the loneliness can be consuming. I too think of the families of 9/11 and how suddenly life changed that day for so many. I am very fortunate as I have 3 wonderful, supportive children and their fiancees, a job I love, caring siblings and friends. But I miss him so I feel lost. It is what it is and need to push forward. Thanks again for your thoughts. Best wishes to all.
Becky

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Hi Becky,
It's almost 6 months since my husband passed away. Because he had only been diagnosed 2 months before we were still getting used to the idea that he had cancer. And then he had a "rare" side effect to one of the chemos. He was okay all day and most of the night, but then he hemmorraged to death and we never got to say "Goodbye". I will never forget that night because of the traumatic way he died. But with the support of my 3 grown kids and all my friends & relatives, I've made it through. It does get easier, but we'll never forget our loved ones. So just be patient and hang in there. "Carole"

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1613
Joined: Aug 2009

Welcome Becky, to this board. There are many here who can understand your feelings. It has been about ten and a half months for me. I can look back and know that being alone does get easier. The ache is still there, but I deal better these days. That doesn't mean that I don't think of my Doug often or that I don't tear up regularly. I do. I still feel like something is missing much of the time. Yet I am moving forward. I can celebrate a grandchild's birthday without excusing myself to get a grip. I am doing things that are outside my comfort zone. I am trying to be brave and succeeding most of the time. Yes, sometimes, often when I least expect it, something will bring a memory back and I'll lose it. That is happening less often now, but it still happens. I am lucky to be surrounded by family and friends who accept that. You're right, grief is a process. Take your time. Do what is right for you. I have no doubt that you are one more amazing person for our group.

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

Thank you grandmafay,
It is good to hear from someone who is ahead in this process. I have been trying to move outside my comfort zone also. It helps to stay busy. I am so thankful for my job. I enjoy my coworkers and it definitely fills the time.
God bless

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