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Changing of the Seasons

Caregiver1963's picture
Caregiver1963
Posts: 46
Joined: Jan 2010

I think I am doing ok working through my grief as well as can be expected. I visited with family and friends the first part of the weekend. I came home last night and emotionally realy felt hit hard with feeings of grief and sadness that my husband will never experience summer again. Have anyone else had any similar feelings?
Mary

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

I've thought about that same thing. Sometimes when I look at the clouds, I remember how we always used to joke about what they looked like. We both loved summer & fall and now that the leaves are starting to turn, it makes me so sad. Not looking forward to gloomy days in winter. Guess we should just remember the happy times we had with our husbands, huh? How long were you married?

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

Hi Mary...I too am dreading the change of seasons...the heat of this past summer gave me comfort in knowing that Bill would not have been able to handle the hot weather..so we were blessed with the way he passed...but now with the seasons changing...and fall being our favorite season the saddness is creeping back in.
I guess we just handle it as best we can...focusing on the future and cherish the good memories of the past.
Pat

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

I think all the firsts without our husbands are hard. I know I miss mine whenever I do something we always did together. It doesn't seem to matter whether it is the changing of the seasons, Christmas, birthdays, or whatever. None of these things are easy. Somehow I get through them, though, with the help of family, friends, and this board. I always find coming home to an empty house brings on a real wave of grief. Even after ten months the house is too quiet. I had never turned the tv on just for noise before, but I do now. I don't have the answers. I think it takes time. Take care, Fay

Caregiver1963's picture
Caregiver1963
Posts: 46
Joined: Jan 2010

Thank you to everyone for your comments. It is good to remember that we do manage to get through all the firsts without our hubands. I agree with you Fay that coming home to an empty home is hard. I find it especially hard on the weekends- I have been making an effort to invite friends and family to visit during these particularily hard days. It doesn't take away the grief but it gives me time to focus on something else- even if it cleaning the house and preparing the meal and looking forward to having company!
Take care everyone
Mary

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

There are so many people who don't understand how we all feel, cause they've never gone through what we have. Weekends suck! Although our kids usually stop over. And my daughter has been such a big help. It's just lonely eating alone & no one to talk too. But we'll survive, we just have to be strong.
So Caregiver1963, hang in there. How long were you married???

Caregiver1963's picture
Caregiver1963
Posts: 46
Joined: Jan 2010

Back to work which always helps Me! We had been married only 5 1/2 months when my husband passed away. We had almost 8 years together before that for which I am very grateful!
Mary

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Caregiver1963,
Sure hope you had a good day today. Wow, only married 51/2 months? Did you know he had cancer when you married him? Me & my husband were married 46 years. We had know each other since 1st grade though. Never thought he wouldn't be here to celebrate when we reached our 50th. He was the love of my life & like you, I'm so happy for the years that we were together.
"Carole"

closs86
Posts: 85
Joined: Apr 2010

Hi Carole,
I was also married 43 years, and with him 44, it is so hard to believe that they are not here anymore, my husband died unexpectedly, April 6, pancreatic cancer, which he had no idea he had, felt sick doctors, tests, hospital, and in 3 weeks he was gone, he was only 60, this 5 month mark was very hard and was different, I think the reality is setting in that he is really not coming back.
He was also the love of my life, and I miss him very very much.
take care
karen

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

It was 42 years for me and we had known each other 45 years. We were supposed to grow old together. It has been 10 1/2 months for me. I have reached the acceptance stage. Yet I still miss the companionship and love we shared. I hate coming home to an empty house. Hopefully, I will get used to that eventually. Having a dog helps. I can't imagine how I would be without him. Life can really throw us a curve ball. I once had a pastor say to me that if I wanted to make God laugh, I should tell him my plans. I do believe that it is His plan. Right now I just don't know why. Fay

lilli1020
Posts: 114
Joined: Jul 2010

I hear ya Fay.....just don't know why but one day we will. I am ready for the Lord to come and take me off this Earth any day now....not soon enough, but I am ready! Gayle

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

I am still over come with grief and the littlest thing sends me reeling...but in a past couple of days a calm has come over me....and its great.
I too felt for quite a while that I needed to follow Bill....I was lost without him! But now ( fingers crossed) things are different.
Thinking it has something to do with our past...I always had this negative thing running in my head that Bill was going to leave before me...and many conversations were had between us about that issue....he told me a gazillion times that were that to happen...I would be just fine...were that to happen...he wanted me to miss him and be sad..but only for a short time....he wanted me to get back to living....he was special and I totally loved him...and I am doing just as he asked me to do.
So now I don't want to follow him...I will wait until its my time...and I will get to see him again but in the mean time....I will live as best as I can....I do this in his honor.
I don't know what the future holds....none of us do...lord knows that I never thought my future held Bill getting cancer and dying but he did...but whatever comes along I will embrace and keep moving forward....what other choice do I have?
Pat

Noellesmom
Posts: 1270
Joined: Aug 2010

Pat,

The thing is you recognize you DO have other choices than moving forward. We have all known people who simply stopped when they lost someone dear to them.

The DIFFERENCE is, you are making a choice to move forward and sometimes that is hard to acknowledge, even thought it is the right thing to do.

Be gentle with yourself as you make your plans for the rest of your life.

Take your time.

Walk before you run.

Now, listen to this part, because I am serious: think about what you would tell a friend who was in the the same circumstances. Then, take that advice yourself.

Gentle hugs to you, Pat. Remember, you are not alone.

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Noellesmom,
What you've posted really is great! I have given advice to friends similiar to this, but never though I'd be in this position to receive it. Never thought my husband would get this awful cancer and be gone within 2 months. The only good thing is I didn't have to watch him suffer, but he hemmorraged to death and I couldn't help him and I'll never be able to forget that. But I know we've all gone through it and that's why it helps to know that we are not alone. Thanks for the advice!!! "Carole"

bingles
Posts: 120
Joined: Mar 2010

I can feel your pain..having to see your loved one die in such a manner is horrific..God was much kinder to Bill and I ...it was quick and painless..neither Bill or I ever saw the end coming....one minute we were talking and the next he was gone....for Bill it was heaven sent.
Guessing that is why I am able to find some level of comfort in this whole thing..I only saw him suffer (physically) the first few weeks before and after diagnosis until they ( hospice) got on board and got the pain settled.
My heart aches for you.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

I am not ready to go. I still have things to do and people to love. Yes, I miss Doug and wish he was still here, but since I am still here, I hope to add a little something to this world. We do have choices to make, and I choose to live my life as richly as possible. I want to be there during the important times in our grandchildren's lives. I want to tell them stories about their grandpa. I want to celebrate his life by being the best person I can. That is what he would expect of me. Ops, I guess I can put my soapbox away now. Fay

lilli1020
Posts: 114
Joined: Jul 2010

Fay.....LOL....I get on my soapbox as well sometimes. Gayle

Beckymarie
Posts: 358
Joined: Aug 2009

Fay...I hope I can get to the place where you are. Maybe it is too soon (3 months since his passing). I have to say if I were given a choice right now, I would go to be with him. I love my children but know their lives will move on. Two are getting married this year. But where do I go from here. My best friend is gone, my house is empty and my time consists of trying to fill the hours. Sorry, don't mean to sound like such a downer but I guess this is where I am at right now.

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Beckymarie,
I want to tell you that believe it or not, it will get better. My husband died 51/2 months ago. If I didn't have support of our 3 kids, friends & family I never could have made it. He was also my "best" friend and we did everything together. I hate coming home to the quietness in the house and just wish I could talk to him one more time. Have you tried counseling or an anti-depressant? The counseling really helps me alot.
We all understand how you feel cause we've all been there. We just have to be strong & take one day at a time. "Carole"

ktlcs's picture
ktlcs
Posts: 360
Joined: Jan 2010

I lost my husband in July, and each day reminds me of another thing he'll never see or do again. I though this would get better but it is worse and worse each day. He had been ill a long time (suffered a major stroke 9 years ago at age of 53) and then cancer in 09. my life was so much about him, caring for him, trying to give him the most normal life he could have.
He was who I told everything to, who I went to sleep with at night at woke up with in the mornings. I worked full time and had friends etc, but he was always the most important person in the world to me, and now he's gone. And I cannot seem to get through it. I too wish I could see him just one more time, talk to him again, hold his hand. I really don't know what to do. On the outside it may look like I am moving on, but in reality I am just going through the motions. I have never been weak, yet now I am falling apart. I just don't know what to do

Kathy

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

Kathy,
I felt the same way you do. I laid on the couch all day, crying and couldn't eat or sleep. Didn't even want to go out of the house & always loved summer. But somehow when you lose the one you love who shared everything with you it seems as though nothing matters anymore. But it does get better. It's only been 2 months for you so your feelings are perfectly normal.I
started seeing a counselor about a month after Tom died. It's really helped me alot to talk
to her. I felt like I was going to crack up some days and found out that is a normal feeling.
Especially when they are the love of our lives. Do you have kids?? I have 3 and don't know
how I would have gotten this far without their help and support. They miss their dad alot
but have kids of their own to keep them busy. I am alone, so had way too much time to think.
So hang in there & keep posting. "Carole"

ktlcs's picture
ktlcs
Posts: 360
Joined: Jan 2010

I guess knowing what I feel is not unusual is somewhat encouraging. No we don't have children, I am 13 years younger than my husband and we never had a family, just enjoyed being the two of us together. I have made an appointment to see a counselor myself and hopefully that will help. I will say I kind of don't mind the not eating part, while i know it's not healthy I haver lost over 30 lbs since his dx (he only lived 9 mos) one small silver lining I guess, but I'd give it all back in a second just to have him back.

Anyway thatnks for your kind words

Kathy

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