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Feel Alone and Angry

supermanhadley's picture
supermanhadley
Posts: 13
Joined: Aug 2010

Lately I just feel so alone and angry. I underwent a BMT and have been laid up in the hospital in isolation for sometime. I get angry that my girlfriend can't fully understand. I am disappointed when people can't fully commit their time to me, and I get annoyed when everyone tries to play doctor.

And then I feel guilty for those feelings and unfair to those who love me and try to push them away because I feel like I am hurting them and this is too tough for anyone to have to deal with.

I feel like I am never satisfied. If we talk of things we will do when I get better I wish they'd be realistic. If we talk of the pain I am in now I wish I could escape.

How do I talk to her so she can be there for me? How do I stop pushing her away? And how do I stop blaming her for things that aren't her fault. She is so good to me, but I feel so estranged from her lately. I think about leaving her all the time...and that makes us both sad.

Noellesmom
Posts: 1302
Joined: Aug 2010

Your anger really DOES just jump off the page, Superman.

At least you know what your problem is - you are ANGRY. There are many people who wouldn't recognize that in themselves, or would feel justified in being angry and not care if they hurt other people. That's not you.

I haven't been on this site for very long, but I don't think I've seen your name here before - or recently, at least.

There are a lot of good people who come here with valuable experience and information - you aren't the only one who has been through a BMT and I'm sure you will be hearing from some of them.

Sometimes, just sometimes, we have to act like the person we want to be before we can become that person. I'm not much on the fluffy stuff, but I do believe we owe the people around us the best possible from ourselves, especially when they are giving their best to us.

It's the right thing to do. And you obviously want to do the right thing.

Cautious hugs coming your way :)

supermanhadley's picture
supermanhadley
Posts: 13
Joined: Aug 2010

I think i read and reread you comment about being the person we want to be before we can become that person. Those words were really special, and helped me tremendously.

Sometimes she thinks I am pushing her out when really that is how I feel too. Throughout all of this she has tried so hard to be strong and somedays I wish she would just breakdown in front of me so I know it isn't only me. I too want to feel like I can be there for her. I wish she would let me.

I've never loved someone so much. I think it scares both of us.

And thanks too for the hugs. I'll take them and give them back atcha:)

Noellesmom
Posts: 1302
Joined: Aug 2010

I'm glad those words helped, Superman. I have three twenty-something children: it was something they had to learn, too.

Breaking down is hard for some people: I go and go and go and then just finally can't go any more without letting go of some of the stress. Maybe your girlfriend is that way, too. Believe me, if it is in there, it will come out. You'll have to let her know you want to be the one she shares it with and she will have to feel safe doing it in front of you.

It will come. If it is there, it will come. It is possible that cancer is just a thing with her, something one deals with (successfully) and moves on. Give her space: she may not handle some things well and may cry over them, but this may be something she is good with. Caregiving is an instinct for some people.

More hugs - not so cautious this time :)

Tina Brown's picture
Tina Brown
Posts: 1054
Joined: Nov 2009

I understand how you are feeling. Anyone who doesn't get angry when they have been diagnosed with cancer just isn't normal. (By the way, what is BMT?) The anger is your mind fighting through the turmoil of your prognosis. I have found that other people have no idea what you are going through and they try their hardest to make allowances and to offer advice. They are trying their best but it just comes out wrong.

Having cancer is very scary and some people express this fear through anger & hit out at their loved ones, while other people cry (that is me)and other people get mad and resent their friends and family who are still healthy.

I'm no therapist, just someone who is on this journey too & it is natural to feel like you do. Let all the anger out, don't bottle it up. Just tell her that the anger is aimed at cancer and not at her.

You are feeling very uncertain about you future & so is your girlfriend. Tell her this & see if you can do it together. Together you can be strong.

Tina xx

supermanhadley's picture
supermanhadley
Posts: 13
Joined: Aug 2010

Hey Tina-

BMT = bone marrow transplant. The anger is my mind fighting through the turmoil. You are absolutely correct.

Somedays I just want to disappear. Sometimes letting someone love you when you are hurting is the hardest thing. But you are correct together we can be strong if we both let down our guard.

It is a ***** of a journey and I am sorry you are on it too. if you ever need a shoulder to cry on I gotcha back.

Adam X0

Tina Brown's picture
Tina Brown
Posts: 1054
Joined: Nov 2009

I agree it is a *********** of a journey. I had just found the love of my life a year before my cancer. I had dreams about finally being with him and sharing our life together. But he ended our relationship (before I was diagnosed) So now I have to face the prospect of life with cancer without the man I fell in love with. It is a ******* of a journey. I could have dealt with this much better knowing I had him beside me, but he won't even talk to me. Thanks you Adam for your comments about "gotcha back" Its people who make life worth living for and I do have some really good friends.

I wonder.....would it be easier if we found someone who had cancer themselves and could empathise with us?

Tina xx

supermanhadley's picture
supermanhadley
Posts: 13
Joined: Aug 2010

I wonder that too but you can't fence time and you can't stop love right?

I love to ride bicycles and I was reading a Mountain Bike Magazine today and on the spine it said: "Pain is weakness leaving the body." How true is that? It would be easier to find someone with cancer, but then we would only see that side. That ******* dark, grim side. We need those who have been inflicted with cancer to guide us to see goodness, to touch hope, and to taste life.

I do "gotcha back" Tina. I am here anytime. I'm on yahoo 24 hours a day via iphone. supermanhadley if you ever need me.

Adam

Betsy13
Posts: 186
Joined: May 2010

Adam,
I love the quote. I certainly hope it is true! I like what you said about needing those inflicted with cancer...

We have been here and we understand. Others try.

Take care of yourself,
Betsy

Tina Brown's picture
Tina Brown
Posts: 1054
Joined: Nov 2009

I so love the quote about pain...........I will try to remember it. Love just comes and smacks you in the face - you have no control over who you fall for do you?

Are you on facebook? I will look for you on yahoo.........which one is it .com or .co?

Take care Tina x

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1613
Joined: Aug 2009

Hey, anger is normal whatever normal is. Of course you are angry, and both you and your girlfriend are probably scared, too. As the caregiver I can only imagine what you are feeling. I can very much relate to your girlfriend. My husband passed away last year after a six year battle with colon cancer. We had been married for 42 years. He apologized to me several times for putting me through his fight. I will tell you what I told him. Don't apologize for something that is not your fault. Get mad at the cancer and direct that energy to fighting it. Know, too, that those of us who love the cancer patient hate the disease. We are scared that it might take you away from us. Your cancer changes our lives as well. We are angry, too, even if we don't show it. We hurt because there is nothing we can do to make you feel better. We feel helpless and confused about our role in your new normal. Many of us would gladly change places with our loved ones. You girlfriend wants to understand how you are feeling. It is up to you to help her understand. Don't try to be the strong macho man. That hurts both of you. It is ok to admit that you are fearful of the future. It is ok to cry together. It is ok to be human. It is ok to apologize for your behavior if you feel you need to do so. Just don't apologize for the disease or the human emotions that come with it. One last thought, caregiving my husband was the hardest thing I had ever done, but it was what I wanted to do for him. Love isn't always easy. It does make life worth living, though. Let your girlfriend love you even in the tough times. It is a true gift.

supermanhadley's picture
supermanhadley
Posts: 13
Joined: Aug 2010

Grandmafay-

You are to be admired. It sounds like the love you shared for 42 years (and still share) was a blessing not a battle. Cancer has changed me significantly and as I recover I am trapped between who I was and who I am and who I want to be for that matter. I've held a lot in this whole battle. I've sheltered those I've loved and as I come out of it I feel fragile and scared. Scared of relapse. Scared of letting down everyone I love. And I need to shed my pride (I know) but I need her to shed her strength too. I just wish she'd tell me she is scared too and we could be scared together. I feel so alone. And I am nervous about my future and our future and looking for security in small things that she finds trivial. but if she could only see that the smallest things are the world when you are faced with death daily.

Love isn't easy, and I wouldn't be here without it.

Thank you for sharing your gift with me. he was a lucky man:)

rose_hadds's picture
rose_hadds
Posts: 34
Joined: Jul 2010

i totally get being caught between who i was and who I am and want to be. I feel very lost at times. i am 3 mths post treatment for ewings sarcoma. I had chemo/radiationa and surgery. I kind of feel in limbo. Through treatments I jumped through every hurdle with a smile on my face. Made sure everyone in my life was okay and happy. Now treatments are over and i am a complete wreck. Recurrence haunts me everyday. I think if upcoming scans and I almost throw up. This is a journey i would not wish on my worst enemy. One thing I do know is that I have started being honest with myself and those closest to me. i am no longer hiding from my feelings. Stop beating yourself up for your feelings. Go with it. It is all part of the path. Anger,fear,depression. I have so many feelings some days I am not sure how I feel. But each day is getting better. My family is supportive but really dont get it. They think your fine now....the fear of it coming back lives in me not them. I share with many on this site...it has truly saved me. The chat lobby is great. Every different cancer but all have a similar story. The emotional part was far worse for me than the physical. It is a daily process. But be kind to yourself. If you dont journal start to . Write down daily how u feel - in your journal you can be as honest as you want because it is only for your eyes. it will amaze you to look back a few weeks down the road and see how far you have come. I know how surprised I was and how much better I feel putting it on paper. You have every right to be angry,sad,depressed...we got a raw deal and only we know how it feels...Bed kind to yourself

ohnogto
Posts: 1
Joined: Aug 2010

Dearest Rose,
Thank you for your wonderful post. I too dealt with the daily what if's and I absolutely agree that the hardest thing is the emotional ride that we all go through. I have a beautiful family but I have to admit that my cancer was like a simple cold...deal and get over it. I believe that I am partially to blame because I woke everyday with huge smile on my face, telling everyone that I am a survivor...my husband is disabled and does not work so that meant that I worked through my treatment. I never missed a day of either! Now I have reached my 2 year mark and I am excited and happy and no one seems to care, I want to know that I mean enough in my family's lives to be happy for my benchmark. Where to go from here????

AnnaLeigh's picture
AnnaLeigh
Posts: 177
Joined: Jan 2010

Unfortunately, anger is a very big part of everyone's life who has been touched by cancer. You may find yourself going through many different stages of sadness, frustration, anger, and sometimes even acceptance. There also may be some grief mixed in with that anger. Grief for the loss of your way of life before cancer came along and grief when you realize there are people around you who you will not be able to count on for support. All of these emotions will come and they will go. Some will come back many times just when you think they are over.

It is possible that your girlfriend is experiencing many of these emotions right along beside you. Perhaps she is putting on her "happy face" because she thinks this is the best way to be supportive of you and people tend to want to cheer us up when this is the last thing in the world we really want to hear. Being realistic with a small measure of hopefulness thrown in the mix is the best way to keep ourselves off the roller coaster of having our expectations doused when the news of our latest scan or treatment is not what we wanted. Some good private time with your girlfriend to discuss how she really feels outside of the tough exterior may shed new light on your common feelings about this situation.

Oh yes - everyone wants to play doctor and throw unwanted advice at you to the point where you want to hide away some where. We have learned to tell people what we need and what we don't need. You can try telling them (in your most caring voice) "I know you are trying to help but today is a day when I am not able to talk about my health. It would really be nice to talk about other things for a change" or "I can see you are excited and want to tell me about what's going on in your life but today I need to concentrate on figuring out my latest problem".

There are some people who will not be able to support you or be there for you in the way that you need for them to be and this is a very sad situation and a very sad way to learn who you can count on and who you cant. But you will also find some truly dedicated people who won't run away just because times got tough and this will create some lasting bonds you will treasure. The hard part is finding out which people count and letting go of those who no longer matter in your life.

There is a wonderful support system on this board with caring, understanding people who will try to help and who will listen without judgment or criticism. I hope you find this board as helpful and comforting as I have.

Best wishes for you and please let us know how you are doing along the way. We feel like a family here and really care about one another.

kimmygarland's picture
kimmygarland
Posts: 313
Joined: Aug 2009

My husband and I go back and forth with the anger. He does not show emotion well and expects me to remain stoic also. I can only do that for so long and then I burst into tears. Only once during this whole ordeal has he broken down in front of me.

Unfortunately, I find that I am becoming very bitter. Hopefully as time passes that will get better, but the anger and frustration is very real and brings stress between the patient and the caregiver and I don't know how it can be avoided.

I agree with AnnaLeigh on people who you think will be there for you and then people who aren't. I have been very surprised at who those people have turned out to be. You really find out who your friends are during all this.

supermanhadley's picture
supermanhadley
Posts: 13
Joined: Aug 2010

Kimmy-

I think your husband and my girlfriend may have something in common. They think supporting us means staying strong. When actually sometimes in our weak weak states we need the power of seeing them weak and the pride to console them. How we get this through their cotton picking brains I don't know and maybe we never will.

I think strength is partially about realizing it is ok to be weak. This was and is the hardest lesson for me. We need to stay strong in the fight but it is ok to be weak in the turmoil.

Please feel free to hit me up should you ever need to release. I understand bitter. I think I define the word daily.

Adam

supermanhadley's picture
supermanhadley
Posts: 13
Joined: Aug 2010

AnnaLeigh-

What a terrific name! My mother always told me if she had another child (there are 5 of us) she would have named her Anna.

Your note about grief of the loss of the my life pre-cancer spoke so true to me. And as I recover I grieve that even more. it's like you are never able to truly go back home. And maybe you are right I need to listen to her thoughts and ask her to remove her "happy face."

She tries so hard to support me. This I know. I know she loves me, but sometimes her timing is all wrong and I fault her for this. I need to be more understanding on her uncertainty. it is not like dealing with all of this comes natural to anybody.

This board has so far proven amazing. I have a lot to give back to each of you.

AnnaLeigh's picture
AnnaLeigh
Posts: 177
Joined: Jan 2010

You are an amazing person to be able to get in touch with those parts of this cancer journey that cause the most turmoil and then reach out for understanding and help. I have seen many people who simply try to bury the changes that occur and never want to acknowledge their life has changed. It's not a wonder that so many relationships fall apart when this happens. Some of these changes will actually be beneficial and improve our life so much it can be staggering.

Your insight and contributions will greatly help others on this board to identify, understand and unravel all of the confusion and fear that happens when we are faced with this beast. I don't recall getting a "living with cancer" user manual when my husband was diagnosed one year ago and nobody is prepared for what we all must go through - physically or emotionally.

So we just try to help each other and send some comfort to those who are new to these discussions. It can be lonely at times and we welcome your straight forward, bulls-eye approach for identifying the problems and working through them.

The true measure of a person's strength is found in their ability to show compassion and tenderness. Weakness is a term conceived by those who are fearful of connecting to other human beings on a heart-to-heart level.

Just my humble opinion, of course.

supermanhadley's picture
supermanhadley
Posts: 13
Joined: Aug 2010

Hit home. You are right on. I think it is time for me to shed the fear and just give her my love. What comes of that is called fate and we are not the keepers of fate but rather the dreamers of dreams.

dixiegirl's picture
dixiegirl
Posts: 1043
Joined: Apr 2006

Man, I feel like I could put my name to any of these posts. I understand anger and fear on these same levels. Sometimes I feel like my husband is too "controlled". I think sometimes I think seeing him feel this pain will make me feel better. It's not true, because when I do see it? I want to make it go away.

I am terrified of having to have a SCT. So far, we've been able to avoid it and I sincerely hope that continues. It scares the daylights out of me.

You my friend who's been down this road are my HERO.

Take care,
Beth

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1560
Joined: Nov 2009

Hey Superman Adam
We met on chat last night. I am hoping that today is a better day for you. I read in one of your posts that it is time to show your girlfriend your love. I totally agree. No more anger, no more pain, no more being negative. They are all a waste of your time and energy. Give her 100% of your love. Put all of your time and energy into loving her. Please do not let those beautiful blue eyes of your shed another tear over this situation. We have your back here on CSN! Keep in touch and I will see you on chat!
Tina

Nana b's picture
Nana b
Posts: 2912
Joined: May 2009

There isn't much I can follow with after all these great posts, but do save your energy to healing....take care of your body, commit to it, put all the good stuff in and let your immune system take off. Remember, talk to your doctor, they can put you on something that will take the anxiety away, and once you are in control, they cans slowly take you off them. You know I had to take them after awhile, I think I was on edge and without realizing it I was pushing people away, or had a low tolerance. Now I see it. I am in control. I just needed to step back and think, "what is the common denominator?" ME!

To healing! Research supplements, what can you do on your side to heal....Stress is the worst thing for your cancer, cancer feeds on it, it's as bad as sugar! My thinking....

supermanhadley's picture
supermanhadley
Posts: 13
Joined: Aug 2010

Hi Tina-

Thanks so much. Brighter days are finally upon us. I have given 100% and god I love her. I want a life, a future, an unbreakable love with her:) Thanks for having my back. Hope to talk soon.

Adam

wifflefrog
Posts: 32
Joined: Sep 2010

I appreciate hearing your side, sometimes my husband can relate his emotions which makes me understand a little bit. He's so intelligent though I wish his brain would convince him otherwise, but also the information from doctors are never painted in a positive light about his diagnosis - parathyroid metasis to liver & bone.
I have had my breakdown moments and maybe you should discuss this with your girlfriend to let it out. Sometimes its positive other times its negative. But I know he can't always give me support & I don't want to burden him as his situation is so much worse. But I think he is happy to know I am grieving as much as him. Also I hate breaking too much because then I am just a mess all around & I have myself to care for and a 10 month old. So no crawling into the bed under the covers I must move forward.
But share with her and let her in and hopefully she will know you can be there for sure.

bluerose's picture
bluerose
Posts: 1089
Joined: Jul 2009

Oh boy can I relate. I had a BMT years ago and was in isolation for a long time too. That was a tough tough time and I went through so many emotions in there as you are. Anger was a big one. I was married at the time and while my ex was good and helped me as much as he could he was still working and taking care of our two young childrent and that's alot plus having to deal with my illness but at the time I was in bad shape and survival mode has kicked in during that period and so really it's very hard to think of anyone else when you are struggling to survive. Be easy on yourself, you have alot on your plate.

Yup I totally know that caregivers have a hard time during the process too but my experience personally has been as a survivor so I know that way better.

Sounds like you are going through the stages of loss of your health, at least for now anywho, and that's all normal. If you get stuck in any one of the stages of grief/loss then you might want to consider talking with a grief counsellor so they can help you out of the stage you are stuck in, anger is where you must be stuck now or so it sounds.

Also this board is here for you, we understand where others do not so don't hesitate to keep posting here for input, validation and support.

Hope your isolation ends soon and you can get home and on with your life. I had a very tough recovery but then I had congestive heart failure during the isolation so had to recover from that too. That was 20 years ago though so hopefully treatments are not as harsh as they were then for some of us.

Blessings,
Bluerose

P.S. If you ever want to talk about the transplant and isolation you can mesage me directly too, I sure can relate to what you are going through or went through as no doubt you are home by now.

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