Aug 30, 2010 - 9:49 am
Lately I just feel so alone and angry. I underwent a BMT and have been laid up in the hospital in isolation for sometime. I get angry that my girlfriend can't fully understand. I am disappointed when people can't fully commit their time to me, and I get annoyed when everyone tries to play doctor.
And then I feel guilty for those feelings and unfair to those who love me and try to push them away because I feel like I am hurting them and this is too tough for anyone to have to deal with.
I feel like I am never satisfied. If we talk of things we will do when I get better I wish they'd be realistic. If we talk of the pain I am in now I wish I could escape.
How do I talk to her so she can be there for me? How do I stop pushing her away? And how do I stop blaming her for things that aren't her fault. She is so good to me, but I feel so estranged from her lately. I think about leaving her all the time...and that makes us both sad.