strategies for dealing with out of town visitors

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lsw52
lsw52 Member Posts: 3
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
My husband was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer in mid June. Since most of our large family lives out of town we have a number of family members who want to come and visit to see him. We are trying to space the visits so that we have some 'down time' and quiet time between visits. We very much appreciate that these family members care. At the same time, it can be emotionally draining for my husband and me - since there is always some amount of conversation and 'working through' necessary with us providing comfort and support to the family members as they visit and come to terms with his illness. Any suggested strategies for having out of town visitors and these issues?

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  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #2
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    Visitors
    It does seem like we spend time reassuring others who care about our loved ones. I lost my husband after a 6 year battle to colon cancer about 10 months ago. I leaned that people react to cancer and the reality of a life shortening illness in many different ways. One of my fondest memories is a visit by two of his best friends from out of town. They loaded him in his wheelchair, went to a local state park, spent hours talking about their shared hobby, and laughed. Others spoke in quiet voices and had trouble just visiting. They didn't know what to say or said completely the wrong thing. Doug had a great sense of humor and often made a bad joke to cover the awkwardness. Sometimes he would just give me a look that said it all. The day before he passed away, some friends that live nearby overstayed their welcome. I almost asked them to leave, but realized that they were trying to deal with their own grief. Even now, when I run across people who hadn't heard about Doug's death, I often end up reassuring them. I think you are wise to try spreading these visits out. We usually suggested a nearby motel to out of town visitors. I explained that Doug needed rest that I really couldn't be the gracious hostess and care for him, too. We generally ate out because Doug enjoyed doing that. He used a walker or wheelchair when necessary. Doug really liked people so visits were good for him. If he wasn't feeling well, I ran interference and told people that it wasn't a good time for a visit. Some didn't like that, but oh well. That's just the way it was. No words of wisdom here. Just some thoughts and my experiences. It sounds like you are doing fine. Just take care of yourself and your husband. That has got to be your priority. Take care, Fay
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #3
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    family friend
    Grandma Fay is so right, and I second her idea of using a local motel. I think our out of towners like the Homewood Suites just fine!

    Since you're the one that must do the explaining and coprocessing over and over each time a new visitor comes, I wonder if there is family friend or neighbor who can be on call to help with the first "briefing". You never know how a day will go, and knowing you have a relief pitcher just in case might help.

    On the other hand, scheduling anything in cancer-land is often futile. Good luck, L. This is a sad but soulful process.
  • lsw52
    lsw52 Member Posts: 3
    #4
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    visitors
    Thank you both for your input and sharing your experiences and perspectives. I think that as time goes on our priorities and needs will likely change. And that for now I'll have a conversation with folks as they are planning to come visit or before they arrive - to let them know what to expect and how they can help when they arrive. Things such as.... bring a book or other activity and expect some quiet time, suggest nice places for a walk if they need some time to come to terms with feelings, let them know that my husband and I will want some time alone each day, meals will be simple, etc. At this point staying with us is okay but that will likely change in the future, depending on how the cancer progresses. I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts...
  • ketziah35
    ketziah35 Member Posts: 1,145
    #5
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    I told my relatives to come
    I told my relatives to come and visit my mom, but stay in a hotel.

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