CSN Login
Members Online: 6

My feelings the first month

david54
Posts: 114
Joined: Apr 2009

The first week was the most difficult. The quiet, so quiet. The sudden end of activity that consumed my life for over 2 years, not to mention the interaction with my spouse for 32 years just stopped, everything, just stopped! I remember our very first conversation in April of 1975 and our last words of July 29th 2010 – mind boggling to think of all the things we shared between those two dates. The house we bought together does not feel like our house anymore. It feels like a place where I am staying for the summer and I had better maintain it perfectly before the owners return. The washcloth she left on the sink in one of the bathrooms, still folded in her way, elicits a memory and an emotion.
Slowly the pressure that I had become accustomed to, emotional and physical, the knot in my back, the growling of my stomach is dissipating. When a problem such as a computer virus, car issue, maintenance repair occurs, I feel annoyance, but not the impulsive “This has to be fixed immediately.” When she was sick I felt everything had to be in working order, that somehow a perfectly running home (Which is impossible) was the closest thing to curing her and making her life bearable, it gave me a sense of control and now that is not necessary.
I think about the people that shared wonderful, affirming memories during her funeral and yet wonder why some people who knew us for years have not even responded. There are times I reflect back at our marriage and think of the disappointments, the mistakes we both made, yet amazed and grateful we found a way to make it work for 32 years. I think of how stubborn she was, how when she turned 50 she became angry at my “Nagging” because I told her it was time for a physical and she ignored doing so because she was so active - it doesn’t do any good to ruminate it but my thoughts still go there. I think of one of our last conversations, when she told me she was grateful for what God had given her, that she was ready to die. Then in the same breath told me what we both needed was to go on a cruise in two years and that I could push her in her wheelchair on the deck and that it would not be that much work for me, (Ya right!) and I smiled at her enthusiasm. I miss her very, very much.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

I couldn't think of a subject line. I don't think there is one. You express yourself very well. I think back to my first week without my husband of 42 years and can relate to many of the things you write. Today marked 10 months since I lost Doug. The house is still too quiet. Slowly but surely, I am moving forward. I hope you continue to come here to keep us informed of your hardships and progress. Many of us here share the pain of losing a spouse. Take care, Fay

zinniemay's picture
zinniemay
Posts: 534
Joined: Mar 2009

David, I don't know you and I am truely sorry about your wife. As I read your post I gather from it that all the things that now seam so hard for us to do. .Will fade into our memories. My husband of 36 years is the world to me. These things you have said should be posted to remind people what we have right now. I feel your pain in my heart for you saddiness. All around me are things that my husband has done from the trim in our bedroom to the Play house he built for me. It is a log cabin , We built it together , he has always been a perfectionist, but one 2x4 inside the little house is not right, it is the one he "let me do" and we laugh at it. Memories were made here in our little home, this is the only place my children ever knew as home. I worry the, what if's so much , I foget to remember the right nows.

Thanks for sharing

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1560
Joined: Nov 2009

Hello David
Thank you for your wonderful post. Keep all of those great memories alive by always thinking of them. We are both grieving at the same time. I miss my dad tremendously. Some days I wake up and think....wait, is it really true? Is this a dream? Then I realize the truth. I still get that ache in my chest. I still get the tears in my eyes. But....I am grateful for the time I did have with my dad his last year. He passed away knowing how much I loved him. So did your wife. You were a wonderful husband. She knows that. I talk to my dad every day, and I write to him in a journal. It helps me to express my thoughts and feelings. I know we will see our loved ones again. God always keeps his promises. We will all never perish, and live eternity in the Kingdom of God. Please God give David the peace he needs at this most difficult time. Keep in touch. We are always here for you.
Tina

Subscribe with RSS
About Cancer Society

The content on this site is for informational purposes only. It is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Do not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease without consulting with a qualified healthcare provider. Please consult your healthcare provider with any questions or concerns you may have regarding your condition. Use of this online service is subject to the disclaimer and the terms and conditions.

Copyright 2000-2014 © Cancer Survivors Network