How do you do it?
I think I’m finally getting stressed out the closer it comes to my surgery in September. I’m still waiting for results from my second lymph node biopsy to see if I have Lymphoma, as suspected, on top of the rectal cancer. They wouldn’t give me an answer on the phone and said just wait till my appointment on the 24th. After the first surgery they called me in a couple days to say it was clear but it’s been a week now and no call. Oh well, gotta wait like everyone else.
Sorry for rambling, I guess things are just building up and this is my only outlet.
Chris
Comments
-
helplessness
You said what we all feel at one time or another and to be honest it never goes away. It's called helplessness...that need to do something in situations where there is nothing you can do. Why isn't there a cure? why did my friend die and I didn't? Why me with cancer? Questions without answers to be sure but this place is for things you can't do elsewhere like vent; get info from people who have been there and realize how special those who are here can be for you and you for them. Step away for a while re-charge with all that is important to you!0 -
Chris...You just did show your feelings......
You told us exactly how you feel and why you do what you do ...its because everyone is different and that simply means that all of us can't express what we want in writing ..it seems impersonal and it somewhat is but it is a way to participate in helping others. Its not for everyone, and several have had to remove themselves from here because of emotional necessity, completely understandable. I myself have pondered why I keep coming back when most news is normally dismal. It is perhaps that I can relate to the survivors in here to know that when I feel bad they can know exactly what to say to get me out of the funk I may be in, and in turn I am here to reciprocate that need. But, never feel guilty about feeling good. For one thing, it gives people hope, in which all of us crave. #2, all victories in here be it large or small become large celebrations, and that is catching...You see we are all as one, none of us want to pass away, but to be in here one must understand that this is a refuge for all of us. A close bonding that we can't find elsewhere because of what we need that only a survivor can know, so most stay through thick and thin because to me this is part of my life now as it will always be, and if I stopped posting only to lurk as so many do, I am still among my friends and anytime I need something I can pop back in here and pick up where I left off.
Chris, we all lose friends in here, my first loss was Theresa (Tisart)...We spoke on several occasions and then she left for a while and her husband pm'd me as well as a few more individuals and informed me of her passing.....it was as if my life was over, I felt that close even though we had never met but only spoke in forum and a few times in PM.
We are all different in the way life has maneuvered changes in our ways of thinking , our ways of mental and emotional status, but simply because you are lost for words means only that you handle it the way that is best for you to be ok with it, it doesn't mean you think any less or care any less, simply being part of this community makes you part of all of us and all of us know that everyone reacts differently, especially about issues this major. We don't condemn or condone anything, we simply care, as you do, and all in different ways. Just being here tells your story, but whatever you do, you have to look out for #1 first, and all of us understand. If you have to leave or take a break from this to feel better then by all means we want you to. This is a place for emotional healing or mental relaxation, or at least it is for me, as well as a instant information portal that is concise but endearing, and most of the time you get a show with your advice. But now, most of my friends are here and it is good for me mentally to talk about how I feel. It doesn't work for everyone, but the people whom I have met in here and known only for a short while whether they have passed away or not, have taught me so much love, and so much caring, and given me so much insight, that even if I only know them for an instant, its made me a better person because of that instant around them.
You care as much or more than any of us..it shows..simply learn how to use this place to make you feel better yourself, cause that what we all try and do, hold each others chins up.....and feel ok to speak whats on your mind..thats what we're here for.....Love to ya.........Clift0 -
Well said Clift! Your wordsBuzzard said:Chris...You just did show your feelings......
You told us exactly how you feel and why you do what you do ...its because everyone is different and that simply means that all of us can't express what we want in writing ..it seems impersonal and it somewhat is but it is a way to participate in helping others. Its not for everyone, and several have had to remove themselves from here because of emotional necessity, completely understandable. I myself have pondered why I keep coming back when most news is normally dismal. It is perhaps that I can relate to the survivors in here to know that when I feel bad they can know exactly what to say to get me out of the funk I may be in, and in turn I am here to reciprocate that need. But, never feel guilty about feeling good. For one thing, it gives people hope, in which all of us crave. #2, all victories in here be it large or small become large celebrations, and that is catching...You see we are all as one, none of us want to pass away, but to be in here one must understand that this is a refuge for all of us. A close bonding that we can't find elsewhere because of what we need that only a survivor can know, so most stay through thick and thin because to me this is part of my life now as it will always be, and if I stopped posting only to lurk as so many do, I am still among my friends and anytime I need something I can pop back in here and pick up where I left off.
Chris, we all lose friends in here, my first loss was Theresa (Tisart)...We spoke on several occasions and then she left for a while and her husband pm'd me as well as a few more individuals and informed me of her passing.....it was as if my life was over, I felt that close even though we had never met but only spoke in forum and a few times in PM.
We are all different in the way life has maneuvered changes in our ways of thinking , our ways of mental and emotional status, but simply because you are lost for words means only that you handle it the way that is best for you to be ok with it, it doesn't mean you think any less or care any less, simply being part of this community makes you part of all of us and all of us know that everyone reacts differently, especially about issues this major. We don't condemn or condone anything, we simply care, as you do, and all in different ways. Just being here tells your story, but whatever you do, you have to look out for #1 first, and all of us understand. If you have to leave or take a break from this to feel better then by all means we want you to. This is a place for emotional healing or mental relaxation, or at least it is for me, as well as a instant information portal that is concise but endearing, and most of the time you get a show with your advice. But now, most of my friends are here and it is good for me mentally to talk about how I feel. It doesn't work for everyone, but the people whom I have met in here and known only for a short while whether they have passed away or not, have taught me so much love, and so much caring, and given me so much insight, that even if I only know them for an instant, its made me a better person because of that instant around them.
You care as much or more than any of us..it shows..simply learn how to use this place to make you feel better yourself, cause that what we all try and do, hold each others chins up.....and feel ok to speak whats on your mind..thats what we're here for.....Love to ya.........Clift
Well said Clift! Your words toucned me! I have the same feelings at times and wonder why I do this to myself, but in an instant I know that you and all the others here are the only ones who truly understand what I have gone through. My family and friends can attempt to understand but unless they are in our shoes, no one can understand it completely. I once thought and this is going to sound so weird but why did I get rectal cancer, the one cancer that is stilled kept hush hush because god forbid you say the word rectal or rectum. I wonder if I would have felt different if I had breast cancer or something other than rectal cancer. As soon as someone realizes that you have battled cancer or are still battleing and they find out the location of your cancer, you can see by their faces that they ars so sorry that they asked.
I feel good and Iknow that I have had it prety good in my treatments. And when I hear that someone is not dong well or has passed, I cry tears of sorrow for their families, but for me this is a reaffirmation to remind me to live my life as fully as I can, heck it may not even be cancer that takes me someday, I could walk across the street tomorrow and get hit by a bus.
So even through the sadness and the tears, all of you, inevery stage that we are in mean something to me, I am happy to smile with you, break out into laughter, and shed tears. But I know this is not for everyone and If you cannot do this, that is fine. We are here for anyone who needs us and we are here for the ones who just want a connection even if there is no interaction.
to all my CSN Family, those I interact with and those I don't, thank you.......
Kathy0 -
Hey Chriskhl8 said:Well said Clift! Your words
Well said Clift! Your words toucned me! I have the same feelings at times and wonder why I do this to myself, but in an instant I know that you and all the others here are the only ones who truly understand what I have gone through. My family and friends can attempt to understand but unless they are in our shoes, no one can understand it completely. I once thought and this is going to sound so weird but why did I get rectal cancer, the one cancer that is stilled kept hush hush because god forbid you say the word rectal or rectum. I wonder if I would have felt different if I had breast cancer or something other than rectal cancer. As soon as someone realizes that you have battled cancer or are still battleing and they find out the location of your cancer, you can see by their faces that they ars so sorry that they asked.
I feel good and Iknow that I have had it prety good in my treatments. And when I hear that someone is not dong well or has passed, I cry tears of sorrow for their families, but for me this is a reaffirmation to remind me to live my life as fully as I can, heck it may not even be cancer that takes me someday, I could walk across the street tomorrow and get hit by a bus.
So even through the sadness and the tears, all of you, inevery stage that we are in mean something to me, I am happy to smile with you, break out into laughter, and shed tears. But I know this is not for everyone and If you cannot do this, that is fine. We are here for anyone who needs us and we are here for the ones who just want a connection even if there is no interaction.
to all my CSN Family, those I interact with and those I don't, thank you.......
Kathy
You summed it up pretty good.... "this is your outlet". This is the ONLY place I can go where people can relate to what I am going thru. SOMEONE has been there. I have no one else to talk to about this that is here...at my crib..in my town..nowhere. Sure, many offer comfort... but no one knows for real... My FOR REAL is here...with this family...MY second family. I too don't always have words to offer...so I don't. Sometimes I can offer only good vibes... no advice..or even an opinion because I have none...sometimes just knowing you have all these people out there with JUST good vibes ... or prayers...or well wishes..is enough. It makes me feel like I have a TEAM on my side.... routing for me. Yes...it is difficult to get close to someone here...only to lose them. It so sucks. Sometimes I too take a break from the board at times like those... it just gets too sad..or depressing...BUT... I always come HOME...miss the family TOO much. Buzz pretty well said it all.... and maybe you don't realize it yet...but you ARE part of the family already. Welcome!
Jennie0 -
Hi
Each of us comes here for different reasons, but we have all found that this board is made up of caring, supportive folks. Yes, it is difficult to 'watch' our friends suffer, be depressed or pass out of this world, and by the sheer nature of this board, we see all of it far more often than in our every day life.
Each person who participates here (even in the smallest way), touches the hearts of all. Just knowing you are not alone in this is so strenghtening, especially for those of us who have no one at home to share it with. If you feel you want to say something but not sure what exactly to say, wishing someone else good vibes, good wishes, prayers for healing, or whatever is always good and you don't have to say more.
Yes, it is difficult when our friends suffer or die, but they knew that we cared and loved them, and we know that they wish us the strenght to carry on the fight. Some times it is necessary to take a break from the board, but it is always a place to come back to for support and information.
Take care Chris
Marie who loves kitties0 -
You need a hug!
You know what, Chris? Even the most positive people on this board have lots of days when they're scared or mad or just sick of cancer and sick at heart. So don't feel bad if you are not smiling all the time. And sometimes I get overwhelmed by the sadness, especially lately, but I feel compelled to keep coming back to check on people I love.
*hugs*
Gail0 -
Christootsie1 said:You need a hug!
You know what, Chris? Even the most positive people on this board have lots of days when they're scared or mad or just sick of cancer and sick at heart. So don't feel bad if you are not smiling all the time. And sometimes I get overwhelmed by the sadness, especially lately, but I feel compelled to keep coming back to check on people I love.
*hugs*
Gail
I have been popping in and out of this place since December 2008. Sometimes I write, sometimes I don't, mostly read, then cry and then can't see to write. At first it was for answers to what I was feeling, which was great since no one can possibly understand exactly what we are feeling except for one who is/has been through it. then, as we become used to what is happening, we start to offer advice to others. as time goes by, we develop relationships with people. I have come to think of so many people in here as friends, and talk with many on facebook, on the farm (silly I know), and eventually on the phone. It's really hard sometimes to watch others battle the beast. I tend to try and stay away from here because many times it just makes me cry, but I always find myself back here to check up on the people I have grown to love. Somedays when I feel down I come here and whine - because these guys have a great way of picking me up and telling me like it is, also letting me know I am not the only one who has whatever problem is going on at the moment (which many times has nothing to do with cancer - it's usually my kids....).
Just wanted to let you know you are not alone in how you feel. I love these guys, but somedays it hurts to be here, and those days I just take a step back to regroup...0 -
Chris
I've found that often this site provides the perfect outlet for letting things out. I can also understand getting more stressed the closer one gets to their surgery date. I think if you didn't get a little stressed I'd wonder what is that?
About 6 months ago I had a friend who I had lost touch with but reconnected with him on Facebook. He was my age, 52 and in seemingly good health. He went down to mess around on his boat then took a nap. He never woke up. Heart attack. No signs, not overweight or anything out of the norm. It just happened. It was rough on all who knew him, he touched many lives in his 52 years on earth.
It has nothing to do with cancer at all.
It has everything to do with life though.
Try to do the best you can, that's all any of us can do.
Be thankful for people who come into your life just as people are thankful for you coming into theirs.
-phil0 -
WOW
Dear Chris,
Thank you for sharing your feelings. I have been experiencing the same types of things. I used to be quite active posting and then all of a sudden I felt like I couldn't express myself the way I wanted. I'd start to post something and read it then would delete it because it didn't sound right. I care so deeply for everyone here and so want to be a comfort or encouragement. I read the posts everday and want to respond but don't. It has been so long now that I feel funny and feel like I need to explain. Your post has helped me soooooo much. I'm not going to beat myself up anymore. I'm just going to post what I feel and trust that everyone will understand. I can't believe how I have robbed myself of the blessing of being in contact with everyone.
Sooooo WATCH OUT>>>>I'M BACK>
Big Hugs and Prayers,
Debbie (gramma)0 -
Thanks everyone for yourPhillieG said:Chris
I've found that often this site provides the perfect outlet for letting things out. I can also understand getting more stressed the closer one gets to their surgery date. I think if you didn't get a little stressed I'd wonder what is that?
About 6 months ago I had a friend who I had lost touch with but reconnected with him on Facebook. He was my age, 52 and in seemingly good health. He went down to mess around on his boat then took a nap. He never woke up. Heart attack. No signs, not overweight or anything out of the norm. It just happened. It was rough on all who knew him, he touched many lives in his 52 years on earth.
It has nothing to do with cancer at all.
It has everything to do with life though.
Try to do the best you can, that's all any of us can do.
Be thankful for people who come into your life just as people are thankful for you coming into theirs.
-phil
Thanks everyone for your input and advice. I recently read a quote that kida sums up what many on here feel.
"You desire to know the art of living my friend, it is contained in one phrase: Make use of suffering"- Henry Frederic Amiel (philosopher/ writer 1821-1881)
I didn't really understand the meaning at first but I can see many on here who have embraced this philosophy and are better for it. I do believe in the theory of Yin and Yang and perhaps this forum really helps provide the balance that is missing when we are faced with personal turmoil.
I'll continue to lurk and chime in when I can. I wish you all well.
Chris0 -
Bearing Witness
I agree with all of what's already been said here, and thank you, Chris, for sharing your feelings. As you've probably gathered Chris you're not the only one with these feelings and we all deal with life and death issues in our own way and there's no wrong way. As Phil so aptly put:
"It has nothing to do with cancer at all.
It has everything to do with life though."
I think of it as bearing witness. I bear witness to other people and what they are going through as they bear witness for me. Doesn't necessarily mean we can fix things, but it is an excellent reminder of how we are all connected. Also I don't normally have these kinds of conversations with most folks in my life. It is a relief to talk about it with others who get it about this kind of experience. I also appreciate that I don't have to burden my immediate loved ones with all my fears and worries. Getting it out helps release it for me.
This quote of James Baldwin has been with me since my dx:
"Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced."
all the best, Leslie0 -
Welcome back Debbie!grammadebbie said:WOW
Dear Chris,
Thank you for sharing your feelings. I have been experiencing the same types of things. I used to be quite active posting and then all of a sudden I felt like I couldn't express myself the way I wanted. I'd start to post something and read it then would delete it because it didn't sound right. I care so deeply for everyone here and so want to be a comfort or encouragement. I read the posts everday and want to respond but don't. It has been so long now that I feel funny and feel like I need to explain. Your post has helped me soooooo much. I'm not going to beat myself up anymore. I'm just going to post what I feel and trust that everyone will understand. I can't believe how I have robbed myself of the blessing of being in contact with everyone.
Sooooo WATCH OUT>>>>I'M BACK>
Big Hugs and Prayers,
Debbie (gramma)
so nice to hear from you!
Leslie0 -
Two worlds
Since being diagnosed Stage 3 I feel like I live in two worlds, the cancer world and the real world. This may sound crazy but this board has allowed me to live with more comfort in the cancer world with the wealth of information and understanding of things not comfortable to talk about anywhere else. When someone passes on, it makes me understand more clearly that everyone will face this and not just us in the cancer world, but everyone. We just are dealing with it and learning how to face the inevitable for everyone.
The real world is where I am most of the time and really love being there, but as time goes on not everyone in the real world quite understand what I deal with mentally sometimes and then it is nice to be able to come back to those who do.....I do not post alot but really appreciate the information, advice, the opinions and the great people who do post here. This is a very brave group and I am always impressed. Everyone is always in my thoughts. Pat0 -
Feelings
Don't feel bad about your feelings. We all go through that. Some post here because it makes them feel better, some just lurk because they want to find out all they can, some come here just because they need to see that others are going through the same thing. Your feelings are normal and there are times that getting away from this board is the best, there are other times when you gravitate to it. It draws you in, but you don't know what to say. Many times tears and sadness came to me, many, many times. No one understands me like this board, and that's why this board helps me. Be ok with it. Hoping that all goes well with your upcoming surgery. Come visit on the board whenever you feel you need to. We are always here for you.
Kim0 -
I LOVE your hair!!!!grammadebbie said:WOW
Dear Chris,
Thank you for sharing your feelings. I have been experiencing the same types of things. I used to be quite active posting and then all of a sudden I felt like I couldn't express myself the way I wanted. I'd start to post something and read it then would delete it because it didn't sound right. I care so deeply for everyone here and so want to be a comfort or encouragement. I read the posts everday and want to respond but don't. It has been so long now that I feel funny and feel like I need to explain. Your post has helped me soooooo much. I'm not going to beat myself up anymore. I'm just going to post what I feel and trust that everyone will understand. I can't believe how I have robbed myself of the blessing of being in contact with everyone.
Sooooo WATCH OUT>>>>I'M BACK>
Big Hugs and Prayers,
Debbie (gramma)
...you have always been beautiful, but this is even more!!!
Hugs, Kathi0 -
And then there are those of us....Annabelle41415 said:Feelings
Don't feel bad about your feelings. We all go through that. Some post here because it makes them feel better, some just lurk because they want to find out all they can, some come here just because they need to see that others are going through the same thing. Your feelings are normal and there are times that getting away from this board is the best, there are other times when you gravitate to it. It draws you in, but you don't know what to say. Many times tears and sadness came to me, many, many times. No one understands me like this board, and that's why this board helps me. Be ok with it. Hoping that all goes well with your upcoming surgery. Come visit on the board whenever you feel you need to. We are always here for you.
Kim
That REFUSE to go away!!!! (Me, I mean!!!!) ROFL~!
Went to Sail Amsterdam last Saturday, along with 500,000 other friends.
This Saturday, my beau and I are going to a Polo match...
Daaaahling, it's the 'lifestyles of the life warriors!'
Hugs, Kathi0 -
Unfortunately the cancer world IS the real worldLifeisajourney said:Two worlds
Since being diagnosed Stage 3 I feel like I live in two worlds, the cancer world and the real world. This may sound crazy but this board has allowed me to live with more comfort in the cancer world with the wealth of information and understanding of things not comfortable to talk about anywhere else. When someone passes on, it makes me understand more clearly that everyone will face this and not just us in the cancer world, but everyone. We just are dealing with it and learning how to face the inevitable for everyone.
The real world is where I am most of the time and really love being there, but as time goes on not everyone in the real world quite understand what I deal with mentally sometimes and then it is nice to be able to come back to those who do.....I do not post alot but really appreciate the information, advice, the opinions and the great people who do post here. This is a very brave group and I am always impressed. Everyone is always in my thoughts. Pat
But those who haven't dealt with it yet don't understand it.
We have an understanding of a part of life that many never have. It's real. We deal. People keep telling me that they don't know how I got through all that I did, that they could never do it. Well, when you don't have a choice, you do it. Period.
That being said, this forum is a wonderful place to air our thoughts to people who understand the world we now live in, who care and can truly empathize.
Thank you to my new friends.
Alice0 -
Good to be Backlesvanb said:Welcome back Debbie!
so nice to hear from you!
Leslie
Leslie,
Thanks so much for welcoming me back. You are always so kind.
Big Hugs and Prayers,
Debbie0 -
Thanks KathiKathiM said:I LOVE your hair!!!!
...you have always been beautiful, but this is even more!!!
Hugs, Kathi
Thanks Kathi,
You are so sweet. I had long blond hair before chemo and decided when trying on wigs that the red looked better with my "green" complexion. That is a wig in the picture but I died my hair the same color when it came back in. Kinda fun.
Big Hugs and Prayers,
Debbie0
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