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I want her back.

viol3ntviol3t's picture
viol3ntviol3t
Posts: 4
Joined: Aug 2010

I lost my mother to lung Cancer May 6th. She was diagnosed in October of last year, and went through two different chemo treatments. She seemed to be doing good, but then the mass came back very quickly, and her body was just done. She ultimately died of pneumonia.

I have so many mixed feelings. When she was sick, she came to live with me so I could help take care of her. We became much closer while she was here, and it was really great. She also became close to my son who's 3, and he still asks for her. It just kills me, and I tell him she's sleeping. I am relieved that she's not in pain anymore, it was so terrible to watch her in so much pain and discomfort, not to mention embarassment. (she was a very independent woman) When she passed away in the hospital, I was numb, and still am to a degree. I have gone through times of being upset, mad, felling hopeless, and just missing her so much.

She moved out of my place a couple of months before she passed, back to her house with her fiance. (he was out of state working, and when he came back, she moved back with him.) She came to visit, and called a lot at the beginning. I saw her about once a week, we lived too far apart to see eachother more than that. Then I didn't get to talk to her as much, she was not feeling so good. I had a feeling that her time was short, but I didn't know what to do, and I know now that she didn't want me to know, because she thought it would hurt.

The one thing I regret the most was not being able to give her the mother's day present I bought. Not having much money, I found this children's book called "Mama, Will You Hold My Hand?" and I thought it was very sweet, and it kind of described how I felt about her. I wrote in a card that if I seemed like I didn't care because I never said much, it wasn't because I didn't care, I just didn't want her to worry about me. I regret so much not getting to tell her that.

I'm just lost, and I have felt so alone since her burial, since my family has not called me since, except for one cousin. My boyfriend has never lost anyone, so it's hard for him to relate. I just want her back so bad. I want to be able to call her again, that's the hardest part. I don't know how I'm going to live the rest of my life without her.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1617
Joined: Aug 2009

I am so sorry that you lost your mother. Many of the things you are feeling are very normal emotions for grieving. Anger, guilt, wanting the person back is common. There are really no words that can help, but just knowing others share these feelings might give you some comfort. I would encourage you to seek out a grief group. Check with the American Cancer Society for one near you. Come here, too. Many of us here are dealing with grief. We understand. Your boyfriend may not totally understand, but he should understand that you are hurting. Tell him how you feel. Just talking might help. Take care of yourself now. Try to think of the good memories you have of your mom. Cherish the time you had with her. Don't expect the grief to go away quickly. Each of us grieve in our own way and time, but we must grieve to move on. Fay

david54
Posts: 115
Joined: Apr 2009

I am sorry you are grieving and that it is so painful-I am in the same boat now but I am grieving over the loss of my wife to cancer but I too have lost my mom to lung cancer in 2002. Although I am much older than you, I feel sad because the death of my wife triggers loss of my mom and they were both very important people in my life. I think it might help to try and think of ways to honor your mom by following through on a passion you have or to perhaps volunteer for a cause that was important to her. It will not bring her back but it might help some. I also realize that a mother daughter relationship is so profound; she carried you for nine months, although you cannot remember, she was the likely the fist person who’s face you saw right after your birth, she was the most important person in your earliest memories. I think it might help to see a grief counselor; I just made an appointment to see one. You are not alone; you are in my prayers and thoughts. We are in this pain of loss together.

Noellesmom
Posts: 1306
Joined: Aug 2010

It is so early in your grief process that I am not surprised you are feeling all the things you say you are. The hardest part for me, if I were you, would be that you seem to be grieving alone. That is never easy. While some grieving is meant to be personal and aids in moving on in your life, having someone who can understand what you are feeling is very important in validating you and your feelings.
Most cities (and towns) have bereavement groups. I think you should look for one. Remember you don't have to do anything but listen unless you want to share. You won't be expected to talk about your mom, your loss or anything else unless you choose to.
In the absence of that, look for a church in your area which might have ministers who can assist you in this. The church I attend has people who are trained in this type of service.
I lost my dad when my youngest child was two years old. My father and I were best friends. He was the only person whom I felt - at twenty-eight years of age - accepted and loved me unconditionally. It was very hard to go on. I am 52 now and miss my father very much still.
The blessing of having a small child is that they pull you forward in life. Do as your mother did for you - be there for your child. Love your child. And talk to him about his grandmother, who loved him very, very much.

viol3ntviol3t's picture
viol3ntviol3t
Posts: 4
Joined: Aug 2010

Thank you all so much for your kind words. It feels very good to be here, and know that there are others that are or have gone through what I have, when I feel very alone sometimes. I have people that care about me, it's just hard because the people I know I feel like don't really know what I'm going through. I will look into the grieving group, I live in a very small town, but there has to be something around here.

I cannot express how much all of everyone's comments have warmed my heart, and lifted my spirits. It's a very hard and emotional process, and one thing that sucks about it is I am always messing things up now. Not on purpose, but it seems I am a walking disaster, always accident prone. It's really stupid stuff like locking my keys in my car, or losing my wallet, or accidentally scratching the side of my boyfriend's brand new truck. The thing about it is when these stupid things happen, I get more upset, and it just gets worse. lol Some days I don't even want to leave the house cuz I'm afraid I'm going to cause some horrible disaster. lol I just have to learn to take everything a day at a time, and if necessary, a minute at a time.

Thank you all so much, and anyone that wants to add me, feel free.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1617
Joined: Aug 2009

I, too, messed a lot of things up at first. One book I was given at church had a whole chapter about what they called the "fog of grief." Boy did that ring a bell with me. It made me feel better just to give it a name. I still mispace things more often and forget things. I'm doing better, though. For awhile there I was having senior moments on steroids. You are too young for senior moments but the fog of grief is real. Many of us have experienced it. Fay

Noellesmom
Posts: 1306
Joined: Aug 2010

Just checking to see how you are doing, Viol3t.

A heads up to you, too, to remember that this will be a year of "firsts" for you - first birthday without Mom, first Thanksgiving without Mom - don't let these catch you off guard any more than you have to. Surround yourself with people who love you and knew your mom, if possible.

And remember this: your mom was very much human, did funny and silly things, made mistakes like the rest of us - those are all special parts of your mom to share with others. It makes her more "real" to them.

Gentle hugs, Viol3t.

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1561
Joined: Nov 2009

Hello Viol3
Sorry to hear of the recent loss of your mom. I lost my dad to esophageal cancer in March 2010. We are both grieving at the same time. You are not alone, especially here. Everyone here is thoughtful, caring, and loving. You will have good days and bad days. The whole grieving process can take up to 18 months, or even longer. It is very hard, but I lean mostly on God. I give everything up to him. I know that having a strong faith in God has helped me through this whole entire journey. We can not have our loved ones back, if they came back, they would still be sick, in pain, and suffering. They had to pass away and go to heaven in order to get rid of all of the hurt, pain, and sickness. Remember that Jesus made us the promise that those of us who believe will never perish, but live in the Kingdom of God for eternity. That is where your mom and my dad are. We will see them, and be with them again. I talk to my dad every day. I write to him in a journal. It helps me to express my thoughts and feelings. There are groups you can look into that help. They would be bearevement groups. Coming here to this discussion board will also help. It helps me to be able to help others. Do not give yourself too much of a hard time. Give yourself some hugs instead. Keep in touch. We are always here for you.
Tina

Nana b's picture
Nana b
Posts: 2980
Joined: May 2009

All I can offer is to talk to your Mom as she is here. I will never let my girls heart, they will hold me there forever, and I would want to them talking to me. "Mom, you would have loved this.... Mom, I am so happy.... Mom, you would not believe what happened today....

Hold her tight, if you close your eyes, you will feel her....

HUGS!!!

3Mana
Posts: 829
Joined: Aug 2010

I just want to tell you that you are not alone with your feelings. I lost my mom from pancreatic cancer in Dec. "89" and lost my dad from bladder & lung cancer in Dec. "90. The Christmas holidays are never the same. Someone told me once that our parents are the wheel & us kids are the spokes which I thought was interesting. I still miss my mom so much cause I talked to her every day & we were very close. But when dad died, I felt like she wasn't alone anymore and felt relief.
This past March, I lost my husband of 46 years from lung cancer. Actually he had a very rare side effect from one of the chemos. He had only been sick for 2 months. The lonliness I feel is really bad, but I've gotten so much support from my 3 kids, grandkids & friends. I also see a counselor and am on meds which I hope I don't have to be on too long.
Try to remember all your happy times with your moms. And maybe it would help if you saw a counselor. I see one at the Froedert Cancer center and it's free. Really helps to talk to someone. Keep posting so we know how you're doing. Be strong & hang in there.

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