Aug 18, 2010 - 12:39 am
I lost my mother to lung Cancer May 6th. She was diagnosed in October of last year, and went through two different chemo treatments. She seemed to be doing good, but then the mass came back very quickly, and her body was just done. She ultimately died of pneumonia.
I have so many mixed feelings. When she was sick, she came to live with me so I could help take care of her. We became much closer while she was here, and it was really great. She also became close to my son who's 3, and he still asks for her. It just kills me, and I tell him she's sleeping. I am relieved that she's not in pain anymore, it was so terrible to watch her in so much pain and discomfort, not to mention embarassment. (she was a very independent woman) When she passed away in the hospital, I was numb, and still am to a degree. I have gone through times of being upset, mad, felling hopeless, and just missing her so much.
She moved out of my place a couple of months before she passed, back to her house with her fiance. (he was out of state working, and when he came back, she moved back with him.) She came to visit, and called a lot at the beginning. I saw her about once a week, we lived too far apart to see eachother more than that. Then I didn't get to talk to her as much, she was not feeling so good. I had a feeling that her time was short, but I didn't know what to do, and I know now that she didn't want me to know, because she thought it would hurt.
The one thing I regret the most was not being able to give her the mother's day present I bought. Not having much money, I found this children's book called "Mama, Will You Hold My Hand?" and I thought it was very sweet, and it kind of described how I felt about her. I wrote in a card that if I seemed like I didn't care because I never said much, it wasn't because I didn't care, I just didn't want her to worry about me. I regret so much not getting to tell her that.
I'm just lost, and I have felt so alone since her burial, since my family has not called me since, except for one cousin. My boyfriend has never lost anyone, so it's hard for him to relate. I just want her back so bad. I want to be able to call her again, that's the hardest part. I don't know how I'm going to live the rest of my life without her.