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I feel lost

Lydia P
Posts: 4
Joined: Aug 2010

My mother died about 2months ago from breast cancer that metastasized to her brain, I was her primary caregiver during this time. I miss her so much. I regret so many things, I feel I should have been a better caregiver and I hate it when people praise me for taking good care of her because all I see are the things I did wrong. I have all this anger and sadness inside of me and it is has caused so much stress and I have been taking it out on my loved ones. I am 22 years old and while I was taking care of my mom I was taking two college courses, beginning the application process for graduate school, studying for the GRE (a grad exam), and doing an internship at a hospital.

It just happened like that, the summer my mother died was already one of the most demanding summers of my life. Now I am going back to school and I have many classes and several other demanding responsibilities. I personally want to do all these things and I know it is what my mom would have wanted. My mother did everything to help me stay on the right track and she really wanted to see me graduate, so I feel that I owe it to her to finish. She would hate it if her death had a negative impact on my education but I am just so sad right now.

I am an only child and I worry so much about my father. It was really hard on him, he pretends to be OK most of the time but I'm not sure that hes just trying to protect me. I am now back at my university and I know he must feel very lonely. I miss her so much, she was always so positive, my biggest supporter and my best friend. She would pray for me everyday and pray with me on the phone when I was away at school. I feel increasingly fearful of so many things now that she is gone.

I just would like to talk to people who can relate to what I am going through, I know there are so many of you out there.

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1611
Joined: Aug 2009

I am so sorry you lost your mother. Please don't be too hard on yourself. I am sure you did the best you could caring for your mother. Hindsight can sometimes be deceptive. The could of, should of, would ofs will just eat at you and they don't solve anything. Right now you are dealing with your grief. It will color everything. Your Mom was very proud of you. Concentrate on the good memories as much as you can. Accept that grieving will take time, and cut yourself some slack.

I am sure your dad is grieving in his own way and time. I lost my husband in October of last year, and I am still grieving. I am sure I will be for a long time. My sons have been wonderful. They make a point of calling me regularly and visiting when they can. Just knowing that they are there is very helpful. Tell your dad you love him regularly. Don't be afraid to talk about your mother and share memories. Our family talks about my husband regularly and it helps me. If that is hard for you, that is ok. We each need to deal with grief in our own way. There is no right or wrong way. You are honoring your mom's memory by continuing your education. That is wonderful. Hang in there. Your grieve is still very new. Time does help. It doesn't necessarily make it better, but it does make it a little easier. Fay

Lydia P
Posts: 4
Joined: Aug 2010

Thank you for all your kind words. I really need to focus on the positive.

Barbara53's picture
Barbara53
Posts: 659
Joined: Aug 2009

Lydia, as the mother of a 23-year-old, I felt an upwelling of pride when you described how you're doing your best to move on with your life. If something happened to me and my daughter wrote your post, I would feel very proud and happy.

We caregivers mess up all the time, but we do the best we can. Instead of dwelling on what you think you did wrong, make a point of remembering everything you did right.

My dad passed away 8 years ago, and I still "talk" to him, sort of like in prayer, and often feel his presence. It's such a real experience that I feel like he's still with me even though he's not in this world. Gone but not gone may be one of the powers of love.

GregStahl
Posts: 188
Joined: Apr 2010

way you do with my mom. My mom passed in 1980 when I was 14. She had breast cancer with mets to her hips and it spread from there. On her 5 year checkup the found all of this new cancer. My dad didnt have insurace that would cover nursing care, so my grandmother and I took care of her the best we could. After she passed I felt like I didnt do enough, could have done more, better, different things. Those feelings took me down a path I will regrete until the day after I die. It wasnt until years later, that I realized that all we could do was to try to make her life as comfortable as possible...and we did the best we could.

You did the best you could and made her as comfortable as possible. You were there for her when she needed you the most. Have the anger, have the sadness....all of us do...its part of the grieving process. Work through it, talk to your dad, friends, a professional....whatever you do, dont let that anger and sadness get ahead of you. I let mine take over and lost 20 years to drug, alcohol, and "other" abusive things.

Greg

zinniemay's picture
zinniemay
Posts: 534
Joined: Mar 2009

All of you thank you you know how to express our thoughts and that is a great comfort to all of us going threw and starting this process. It is not easy to feel alone. But you brighten my day just knowing you are all here.I wish you did not have to be here . Thank you
Jennie

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