CSN Login
Members Online: 11

You are here

angry husband

kayaker01
Posts: 20
Joined: Aug 2010

I can not imagine what anyone feels when the doctor says those three dreaded words "you have cancer".

I only know what I as a spouse and caregiver felt... devistated.

That was 4 years ago. My husband of 5 years (at the time) called me at work to tell me his dr had just explained to him he did not have pneumonia as previously thought but a rather large tumor on his left lung.

After several rather intense rounds of chemo, his left lung removed, 2 infections in his chest cavity and a pulmonary embolism he was finally on the road to recovery.

We went through the living for 3 months at a time that all cancer patients have to endure, then every six months. Still every six months even after 4 years.

My husband is doing well considering, with no reports of any new cancer.

The problem is I like a lot of caregivers have a very angry man that I live with. Very selfish, uncaring, angry man.

He says things that are unbelievably hurtful. He has alienated everyone in his family and most of his friends.

I have tried over the 4 years to be understanding, patient, and loving but I am so angry and hurt.

I thought about a therapist,the insurance company only gives you 16 visits - out of which you have to pay 40% of each visit, but because of the cancer we have been having financial problems. (another reason he is so angry).

I found this site purely by accident and find that (although it pains me to know someone else is enduring the same thing) it truely helps to know that someone out there understands.

Not only do I wish there was psychological help for ALL cancer patients, I wish there was more of a support system (counseling and support groups) for caregivers.

GOD bless all of you caregivers, cancer patients and your family members.

Tina

Dotsmom
Posts: 11
Joined: Jun 2010

It must be quite difficult to have to deal with your husband being as angry as he is in addition to the illness itself. Mine usually just shuts down. I don't know where you live but is there some sort of mental health clinic where you might be able to access counseling for a nominal fee? or are you connected to religious organization church/synagog etc. where a clergy person maybe able to assist you with out a fee? Just a thought. Will keep you in thoughts and prayers.

kayaker01
Posts: 20
Joined: Aug 2010

thank you for your thoughts and prayers. the problem is that whatever help i need must be free.

geotina's picture
geotina
Posts: 2109
Joined: Oct 2009

Welcome to the Board from another Tina. I usually post on the colorectal board and check in here every few days. I am the caregiver to my hubby who has Stage IV coloectal cancer with mets to the liver and lungs. He has been in the fight for 18 months. Although my hubby is not mean to me, I can relate to everything you are saying. I once posted that although us caregivers don't have cancer, we sure do live the cancer. I guess only a fellow caregiver can understand that statement. I have no words of advise except if your hubby is unusually cruel just turn your back and leave the room. I have done that a few times and George got the message. I'm doing the very best I can.

Since this is the caregivers board I feel more comfortable saying some stuff on here. As far as finances, the cost of cancer is huge and drains finances and if we are being honest, as caregivers, we will be the ones left to pick up the pieces and more than likely be financially drained. I think I am more financially set than most having my own IRA and rollover and there is life insurance but who know if that will be used up in future treatment, but so many are left bankrupt with kids. This is America and this just should not happen because someone gets sick and it can cause horrible marital strain.

Don't know if all of this is any help but please know, you are not alone with these problems.

Take care - Tina

kayaker01
Posts: 20
Joined: Aug 2010

thank you so much. i have found "you might be a caregiver if..." I love that post. it is a good way to vent and laugh/cry.
GOD bless you and your husband.

teacher9
Posts: 17
Joined: Aug 2010

I am not sure where you live but I have found Gilda's Club so helpful. They are free of cost and have all kinds of support groups, including one for caregivers only. My husband is very angry as well, however it is due to his meds. I hope this helps.

kayaker01
Posts: 20
Joined: Aug 2010

thank you so much. I will certainly look into Gilda's Club

zinniemay's picture
zinniemay
Posts: 534
Joined: Mar 2009

I think that we are all angry, Angry our spouse got cancer, angry at how little who know about it. Angry that people say sorry to hear that. I think Angry is a part of cancer they go hand in hand.
My husband and I have been married 36 years, Yes he gets angry and he will say things but I have to leanr to not take it personally. Very hard to do when I am angry to. I tend to cry when he does this then he feels bad. So it is like even when you win you do not gain. I just remind myself that he is sick, that he still loves me. That we are in it for better or worse.
We live in a place with no such services, or if there are they are well hidden . I want to say I am sorry but that seams such a petty word to use. I think sounding it out on the board will help you too. You will see you are not as alone as you think. Some can expres it better than others.
In the end I know that I love my husband and he loves me . So I take it with a grain of salt. I am getting more back bone and when he does things that hurt me I tell him out how I feel.
Jennie

kayaker01
Posts: 20
Joined: Aug 2010

thank you. i have tried telling him how i feel.. he tells me he "doesn't care".
I have tried letting it roll of my back and i can to a certain degree but it really gets hard when someone is constantly saying things and doing things that hurt.
I have a very hard time crying when he is around because he has this way of looking at me that looks like disgust. So when i really need to let it out i drive to one of the state parks, sit in my car and cry my heart out.
I am finding that being able to connect with other caregivers through this website is more helpful than i ever could've imagined.
GOD bless you and your husband.

zinniemay's picture
zinniemay
Posts: 534
Joined: Mar 2009

I know it is hard you are not alone, I fear lossing my husband he fears death , I don't know who's fear out does the other. Old saying you only hurt the loves you love sounds like it might be true. But who knows for sure.
I try not to cry but I do . I try not to worry but I do. I try not to think of the "what if's" but I do. Sometimes I wish my brain would be quite and let me think! It is like a race trace and I can't stop it!
If you need some one to chat with feel free to email me. I am on and off here everyday. woody@i2k.com I will always answer .

Txgirl
Posts: 9
Joined: Aug 2015

yes mine does the same. He looks at me like I am crazy and says why are u crying. I also have just walked off and cried it out alone.

Noellesmom
Posts: 1569
Joined: Aug 2010

The problem with anger, whether you are a cancer survivor or a cancer patient caretaker, is that it feeds on itself. Once the cycle gets started, it is off and running. And it is amazing how it takes on a life of its own. The flip-side of anger is apathy, where one doesn't feel anything at all and I would rather have anger, personally speaking.

My husband of 32 years currently has stage IV hypopharyngeal cancer (a type of throat cancer). Believe me, pre-cancer there was all kinds of anger and disappointment because he is also an alcoholic. Although he hasn't had a drink for several months because he opted to go through a (thankfully) successful treatment program, 30 years of drinking left its damage on our marriage. I would like to be able to shake my finger and tell him "I told you so" about the drinking and smoking(which he still does), but, to what avail? The damage is done, both to his body and to our marriage.

I am disappointed I did not matter more to him than this. I know he loves me but an intelligent person could see this was coming - why not prevent it? Reality is as he says: the alcohol had hold of him and he couldn't hear a word I was saying until I told him I was leaving. Then, he woke up.

But, and here is the tricky part, you don't have to stay with him and the pain. Even if you said until death do you part, you don't have to. God does not expect you to stay and be abused, and, whether you have put a name on it or not, that's what it is called - abuse.

And, maybe, just like with my husband, your decision to leave will wake him up to reality. Be prepared to do it, just pray you don't have to leave. And do you really have the marriage you need, anyway?

Had I known Jim would stop drinking when I threatened to leave, I would have left him years ago. And maybe now he wouldn't be facing what is likely a terminal disease.

Take care of yourself. It is your turn.

zinniemay's picture
zinniemay
Posts: 534
Joined: Mar 2009

For me my marriage of 36 years, It is different. My husband never smoked and he never drank, He has been a good husband, and I have been a good wife. Not to say that is was like walking in a field of flowers. It is what is is. For better and it has been better for worse . My husband had and has been there for me. He and I have had a good life.
He is angry and he does not know where to place all his feeling. I know this . He is scared and I know this. We all say things and sometimes hurtful, but when you have cancer , or tyhe caregiver of someone who has cancer, every word you cling to as if it is the last words. I also know that he is my best friend. So when you are scared hurt afraid who do you go to, your best friend.
Make no mistake I love my husband , he is a good man, a good father . He is just sick and it is the kind of sick even when you are well , you still are sick and you know it.

Peace
Jennie

Noellesmom
Posts: 1569
Joined: Aug 2010

Jennie,

Please understand that in spite of Jim's alcoholism, I love him, too. We were high school sweethearts. It just got to the point the drinking was killing our relationship and something had to give. I could never (and still can't) imagine a life without him as part of it. Although it did not come to that, divorce was the only thing that made him consider the seriousness of his drinking.

People who are sick do sometimes say hurtful things and, you are right, it is very hard on the caregiver. You know the person inside the hurt and you will find your way to see past it. It sounds like your husband may need someone to talk to besides you, too. I hope there is someone who can help in that way.

As for being afraid and having no one to talk to, you have so many people right here who seem very compassionate and willing to listen. I'm betting someone is online most any time of day.

zinniemay's picture
zinniemay
Posts: 534
Joined: Mar 2009

I am not understanding now the chat thing works and I type and spell at like a 5th grader! I don't think I say things the way I mean to but never sure how to get the words out of my head onto paper!
You are right he does need someone to talk to. I am a talker and love to chat with everyone and anyone, he is the stay at home type. Some it has always been a stuggle to get him to go out. He does go once a month with a friend that he trust. It is more me, I don't go out and I have such a fear of leaving the house. I am working on it.
Anyway Thank you , I am so sorry about your husband and in no way was I saying or thinking you did not. I feel the love you have for him. I do understand very much.
I am not a christian but for have beliefs, in the laws of marriage.
I met my husband he was in the service, came home on leave with my brother in 1972 and in 74 we got married. Been a good life.
Thank you for taking the time to answer.
Jennie

Noellesmom
Posts: 1569
Joined: Aug 2010

I think you write just fine. It is more about expressing oneself and you do that beautifully.

I think if I had to say just one thing to you it would be it is important for you to take care of yourself. If you don't, you don't have as much to bring to your husband. As for being afraid of leaving the house - had I not had to go to work seventeen years ago to pay for college for my children, I think I would have stayed home, inside my house, forever. I just didn't want to go anywhere. It didn't feel safe, even though I love people.

Take small steps, leaving for just short periods of time, until you are more comfortable. If you afraid to go alone and can't find anyone to go with you, make the trips even shorter to start with.

Let me know how it goes :)

zinniemay's picture
zinniemay
Posts: 534
Joined: Mar 2009

Noellsmom,
I will I just need to get my head on right. My first though is of my husband and how to help him. Not always easy he is stubborn But we will work on it. I am getting better at voicing my thoughts and that is helping me.
I stayed work with my children (Daughter 31 son 29) till they went to Junior High then I got a job and worked there till they shut the doors. I like to work but now am not so able. But that is a different story. I just go use to staying home.
My main thing now is how to make sure I do everything humanly possible to help my husband. To get him healthy as I can.

Noellesmom
Posts: 1569
Joined: Aug 2010

Just remember: getting well and moving forward is on him, not on you. You cannot motivate anyone else. You can be there for him, but the heavy lifting is up to him.

I'm betting the stronger you get as a person, the better he will get, too! I will say a prayer for both of you.

geohei40's picture
geohei40
Posts: 3
Joined: Oct 2015

Hello, I just "joined" this discussion forum today after reading through the posts for great information!  Thank you!  I wanted to comment on the issue of alcoholism and its close connection to hypopharyngeal cancer.  My husband was dx Aug 3rd and is currently undergoing tx.  We have been married for 40 years - 23 years of sobriety and 17 years of active drinking on his part.  He went through 2 rehab programs and I often weighed whether it was best to stay together for the kids or go.  He was never an angry or mean drunk -he just checked out.   We still have a strong bond even though some of the bad memories linger.  It breaks my heart but it also angers me immensely that just as we prepare to retire the consequences of the drinking have caught up with him(us).  We dont talk about why or how he got this cancer but the doctors have acknowledged that his history of drinking played a large part.  As I watch him go through this miserable treatment I cry for him.  When I sit alone with my thoughts I want to get away.  I've given up alot.  It may sound harsh to someone to hear that you could even have those thoughts but I think anyone who has lived their life supporting someone through their drinking days may very well have had enough.  No one can know what has gone before the cancer dx.

Thank you for letting me get that off my chest.  I plan to stay and keep fighting but I completely understand when someone feels they have nothing left to give.

kayaker01
Posts: 20
Joined: Aug 2010

although alcoholism is a disease it is one that if the person chooses to, they can get help/treatment and hopefully be cured. I don't doubt that it makes marriages very difficult as I have watched it tear apart my sisters household.
Cancer however, is a disease a person has absolutely no control over. I can not imagine anyone leaving someone because they have a disease. And I am fairly certain the anger erupts because of the fact that he feels bad all the time, not only because of the cancer, but numerous other health issues he deals with everyday.
I can totally understand the anger. But that does not make it any easier to deal with. I also understand the reason I am the target is because I am the one around. He has alienated everyone else.
So I try to deal with it the best I can. Sometimes it just gets to be too much to deal with and I need to sound off.
Thank you everyone for listening. It makes it a lot easier to deal with.

Noellesmom
Posts: 1569
Joined: Aug 2010

Was your husband an angry person pre-cancer? I have read about so many angry cancer patients who have made it through to the other side but now that their energy and focus is no longer getting cured and stronger, they seem to not know what to do with their emotions and energy. I wonder if this is your husband, too?

Like you, I don't judge, but leaving someone who is sick, with cancer or anything else, would be nearly impossible for me. Hence, my long marriage to an alcoholic - I consider alcoholism a disease and not until I felt I was losing my mind did I decide it was enough. Ironic that my threat to leave caused him to go into a successful treatment program.

Unfortunately, my husband's alcoholism likely contributed to his hypopharyngeal cancer. He has times of remorse during which he berates himself for not quitting sooner. Other times, he realizes one must go on and deal with life as it exists now.

kayaker01
Posts: 20
Joined: Aug 2010

to a certain degree yes he was. i think it is in his jeans. the older his family gets the less they care about how other people feel, or what they think.
i think this is just exasperated by the fact that he has discovered he is mortal and all the other health issues he has.
i still believe that the chemo (no matter how long ago it was) tends to do something to the brain (unbalances it or something), no matter who you talk to about cancer patients who have had chemo, the story is always the same. they all at one time or other have anger issues.

how is your husband doing?

kayaker01
Posts: 20
Joined: Aug 2010

although alcoholism is a disease it is one that if the person chooses to, they can get help/treatment and hopefully be cured. I don't doubt that it makes marriages very difficult as I have watched it tear apart my sisters household.
Cancer however, is a disease a person has absolutely no control over. I can not imagine anyone leaving someone because they have a disease. And I am fairly certain the anger erupts because of the fact that he feels bad all the time, not only because of the cancer, but numerous other health issues he deals with everyday.
I can totally understand the anger. But that does not make it any easier to deal with. I also understand the reason I am the target is because I am the one around. He has alienated everyone else.
So I try to deal with it the best I can. Sometimes it just gets to be too much to deal with and I need to sound off.
Thank you everyone for listening. It makes it a lot easier to deal with.

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1566
Joined: Nov 2009

Hello Tina
I am also a Tina! Seems to be quite a popular name here. I was a caregiver for my dad. He passed away in March from esophageal cancer. My mom was his main caregiver, I was the one to make all of the phone calls, appointments, trips to the pharmacy, and driving him to his treatments. Mom was the one who got to hear all of the nasty comments, bad moods, yelling, and screaming. Is your husband on any kind of pain meds? My dad was, and I believe his nastiness towards my mom was a side effect from the pain meds. They are also just mad at the world because they have cancer. They get mad because they lose their control of things. Your husband tends to take it out on you because you are the only one there. I made my dad start writing in a journal. It was one of the best things he could have done. Here he wrote to mom and to me. He told us all of his thoughts and feelings. This journal brought all of us back together emotionally. Dad was not good at speaking his feelings, but he was great at writing them! I also made appts. for both my parents to see a counselor. This helped a whole lot. You might want to check with the hospital, cancer center, or church. They may have counseling available for free. You just have to ask. You also have to take some breaks from your caregiving. Have someone come and stay with your husband at least once a week. Go to the library, go get your hair done, etc. Come here often. This is also great therapy for all of us. Keep in touch, and know we are always here for you and praying for both of you.
Tina #2

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1639
Joined: Aug 2009

Anger is a form of grieving, and we are all grieving because of the way cancer has changed our lives. We are grieving the life we had, the future we though we would have. My husband fought cancer for 6 years before passing away in October 2009. We had been married for 42 years. I am one of the lucky ones, though, fi you can consider anything about cancer lucky. My husband often told me that the caregivers job was the hard one. He understood my fears and we talked openly about them. That cancer roller coaster ride was still a tough one. I am still grieving his loss and I am sure will for a long time to come. I think one thing that helped us was that we had watched my father waste much of his later years to anger. He didn't have cancer, but he had other medical problem. He hated that he could no longer do all the things he had done as a younger man. Both my husband and I were fairly close to my dad, and watching him miss out on so much because of his anger taught us how distructive anger was. We weren't going to waste the time we had left together. I think having a strong faith was very helpful to us, too. Others can find help in other things. Love is a strong support as well.

Have you checked with your local hospital, doctors, or the American Cancer Society to see if there are any cancer support groups available? Our hospital had one where we made some lasting friendships. Just knowing you are not alone really helps. If your husband doesn't want to go, go on your own or take a friend or relative with you. Many churches have groups, too, and they welcome members as well as non-members.

I really hate that so many struggle in our country to pay for medical care. People shouldn't have to go bankrupt to pay for care. Again, we were one of the lucky ones with good insurance, but so many are not. People shouldn't have to make medical decisions based on finances, and families should not have to suffer financial difficulties as well as emotional ones. I do get angry about that. We need a better system!

Ok, I have sounded off long enough. I hope something I have said helps a little, even if it is just knowing that there are many of us here who share the pain of dealing with cancer. Take care everybody, Fay

LilChemoSmoker's picture
LilChemoSmoker
Posts: 192
Joined: Oct 2011

I reserve my statements as untimely.

Regards,
Michelle

puppy2010
Posts: 10
Joined: Jun 2010

Dear Kayaker01,
My husband, too, is very angry and says very hurtful things to me. He was diagnosed with Stage 3A squamous lung cancer two years ago. He had 5 chemo treatments and 35 radiation treatments. So far, there is no new or old cancer activity. However, he takes Tarceva which causes numerous side effects. It really has taken over his life. Many days he has diahhrea and his eyes bother him. He has called me a moron and yelled at me in front of friends and family. One of his friends and one of his family members told him he should treat me better because I'm going through this with him even though I'm not the one with cancer. I am grateful that they said something, even though I feel like crying out of humiliation. I have gained 25 pounds, have high blood pressure and am pre-diabetic due to all of this. My doctor told me I have to lose weight and I've lost 13 pounds to date. I go to the gym and walk during lunch time at work. I also get together w/friends on several occasions for dinner. I don't mention these problems because I don't want to break down in front of them.

He told me last week that he was sick of doing nothing but taking pills and feeling lousy. I feel sorry for him and mad at the same time. I think we are one of the lucky ones because he is retired. I'm still working and carry the hospitalization. We are fortunate because our hospitalization is wonderful. He also is a Vietnam veteran and his lung concer was deemed to be caused by Agent Orange. He also receives veterans' compensation for this. So far, he can still drive and function on his own, although he gets very tired.

I'm sorry you are going through all of this. It's very hard and stressful. God bless you.
Jan

KLScoville's picture
KLScoville
Posts: 161
Joined: Mar 2011

I have found this website board and chat to be the best support group in my life as a caregiver..Even though it has only been since March of this year. We are all here for you!

Take care and God Bless!
~Kelly

Yazmine
Posts: 11
Joined: Dec 2015

hi there, you are so right ,my husband also say very hurtful things to me only , he lashes at me constantly and know ignoring me ,

if I driving him to the doctor ,if I cook, if I ask questions , or tell me to shot up infront of our kids . Devastering ! I'm giving up in help 

because these . I can't stop crying . I feel soo helpless . Any suggestions ?

 

 

Gin0805
Posts: 1
Joined: Feb 2016

Yazmine, 

You are not alone.  My husband was just diagnosed with Chronic Myeloid Leukemia in Jan 2016.  He is just starting treatments and he is so mean.  He yells at me, yells at our daughter.  I know he is hurting and he is scared and frustrated - but I really don't know how to help him. 

He is taking Tasigna and it has caused pancreatitis, so he was admitted into the hospital 4 days ago.  Surprise - we find out he is also diabetic.  Our daughter had surgery yesterday to remove a lesion on her foot. She is completely non weight bearing on that foot for 2 weeks and she is in a lot of pain.  She is only 8.  He makes me feel so guilty because I am at home with her instead of staying in the hospital with him.  How do you choose who to take care of? He thinks it is easy to pack her up and down our stairs and drive her to the hospital and stay there with him.... I mean seriously? 

Let's not even talk about me having to work.  If I don't work, we can't pay bills or my insurance isn't going to cover his treatments... then what? 

So I am angry too. And I am hurt because he gets so mad over NOTHING... and I get so stressed out and tired of trying to be the peacemaker.  He wants my daughter to be around ALL the time, but he has zero patience. When he starts yelling at her over something small, then I start trying to make peace.  We end up fighting. 

I know one thing.  We can't give up.  We commited for better or worse.  It isn't hopeless. Even though it may seem like it is right now.  You can do this. 

rocket baby's picture
rocket baby
Posts: 22
Joined: Sep 2010

I completely understand your pain and the alienation that your husband is causing. My husband dx'd in 2007 with stage 3 lung cancer. With three teenagers testing me and my husband with his own anger issues it has been a challenge. I have found comfort in this discussion board but not nearly enough to make me not think that life would be easier if I was alone. The thoughts of leaving are not an option for me, but I am getting weary and feel like I am being beaten down. If not for my job (which I love) I don't know what I would do. I am lonely and sad and craving affection. I just want my life to be normal....is that too much to ask?

rdsmom
Posts: 4
Joined: May 2015

I hope people are still reading this post.  I'm in such a difficult situation, brand new mom, husband diagnosed 2 months before baby was born and is so angry about everything/ at everyone.  He's considered terminal terminal but has beaten the prognosis and is continuing to thrive physically it seems, mentally and emotionally, not at all.  He refuses medicine to help with anxiety, he's dragging feet on counseling because no one can help him with this diagnosis.  I understand its his fear that drives everything but its gotten so bad, its like we are in a war zone and because I don't have terminal cancer, nothing i say or feel or want for myself or our son matters.  And he's so frightened about son 'catching' cancer that he's building so many 'walls' to prevent baby from having a normal life.  i don't know what to do. 

How do you live with the fact that you can't live with someone who has cancer and is so emotionally abusive to you because you don't have cancer that 'won't i regret being like this when he dies' or that 'i won't get a dime of his money when he dies' even though 'I'm waiting for him to die so i can have his money' and that because i am the way i am, (not submissive or take everything at his word since he's so misguided about his fears for the baby and myself) that 'i'm causing him to die' and 'i should just act like i care about our son'. Or so frightened of the world and its dangers that our son must have organic food, clothes, furniture and zero exposure to any chemical (be it chemlawn on neighbors lawns 7 days after spray, or lawn sealant or anything that remotely has an odor to it).  He's abusive to me and to his parents and I don't know how to handle this anymore, its been 13 months and its getting worse not better despite his tumors getting better not worse. 

before cancer he was suspicious of things, but not like this, now he trusts nothing but himself and Dr. Mercola (on-line) or what he can find on-line that matches his thoughts and please don't say take away internet and get him counseling if you can, i've tried it all and i feel like i have no other option but to file for seperation.   how do i live with myself?

 

SpTeach
Posts: 29
Joined: Mar 2015

Good Morning,

     I just read your post this morning.  I am a caregiver also.  My wife had breast cancer, underwent 16 rounds of chemo and a double mastectomy.  after the final pathology report she had become HER2 positive and she underwent another 17 rounds of infusion.  It has definitely been a long road.  She also has the anger.  I don't know where your husband got treatment but where we went offered integrative therapy which included counseling for both myself and my wife.  It was covered by insurance except for the co-pay and if you don't have that most hosptals will work out payment plans/schedules.  I hope this helps, maybe even getting into a support group will help for you and your husband.  I understand the financial strai also, with my wife being ill she lost her job.  Somehow the mortgage company didn't think loss of 16,000 dollars a year, increased medical bills and a cancer diagnosis was a hardship.  we are losing our home and struggliong.  i am blessed with family that is able to help.  As a man it was hard to ask for help from family but I am so lucky they were there.  Things will get better, my wife still has a few treatments and a surgery to go but God has blessed us and my prayers go out to you and your husband.  God Bless and take care of you also!

 

Doug

rdsmom
Posts: 4
Joined: May 2015

Thank you Doug.  our local hemoc does offer all of that but again, because those giving the therapy/help don't have terminal cancer they can't possibley understand or help, or so says my husband.  We went to an outside counselor last week and have an appointment for a week from now but its like he's 2 different people, things he says there he does the opposite of when not around others,.  For example, i have left my house now 3 times alone with my 11 month old son, because he finds ways/reasons why i shouldn't take the baby, but then when i'm out, calls me within the hour insisting i come home beacuse he needs help with the baby.  I'm not looking to party, i want to live a normal life for my son and not raise him so sheltered and frightened.  And my husband is someone who is so angry and scared that he has to 'control' everything within his reach.    Its so hard to explain but his fears are driving everything even to the point he does everything he can to prevent me going anywhere and i'd love him to come with me but he just doesn't feel like it (allergies are now the problem).  He tells me he wants to spend every minute he can with our son, which i understand, but if someone tells you they are going to sleep but then gets SO angry at you for leaving the house while they sleep ( i left a note so no question where i was), it isn't healthy.  I'm trying so hard to last until the end of this month when he has his next scan, which i'm praying for so many reasons is positive.   i'm not living, and i know its not fair, because i am healthy, but he's so angry and controlling, it isn't healthy for any of us.  And when i put my foot down, and get called all sorts of horrible things because i went for a walk with our baby, it isnt' right or fair.  he's using cancer as a sheidl to lobby grenades at me.  How do i help someone who won't help themselves and refuses anything. 

He isn't living a life anymore and the kicker is, that as of the last scan he was getting better not worse.  

Please, any advice, ANYTHING is so appreciated.

 

Thank you, Sue

SpTeach
Posts: 29
Joined: Mar 2015

Sue,

     I've been where you are.  I understand.  My wife told me one day that she may as well take the couch to her appointments because that's how helpful I am/was.  I went to every single appointment, treatment, procedure or consultation.  I do the housework, laundry, grocery shopping, everything except cooking (don't want anyone getting sick...LOL).  Yet I have been no help and I don't understand anything.  Like your husband my wife says no one knows unless they go through it and I believe that to a point.  I am not sure how cognizant they are about what we as caregivers go through.  I work full time and try and keep up on everything else.  It's difficult and I know it's my responsibility, but we need some slack ourselves.  Your baby deserves daily activities to grow and thrive, don't beat yourself up about that.  I honestly don't know what else to say except I'll pray for you.....things are starting to get better here and I pray that within time your husband will realize how great a caretaker/wife/friend you have been. Has anyone spoken to you about medications for your husband to help regulate mood?  Please keep in contact and let me know how you are doing.

 

Doug

rdsmom
Posts: 4
Joined: May 2015

Hi Doug, thank you for 'listening' to me.  I've spoken to drs and people about my husband and his issues, his family has seen it first hand since they watch my baby daily while i work full time from home, but unless my husband makes the decision to take medicine or accept change, there is little i/they can do.  its finally got so bad in the last 3 weeks that i saw a lawyer.  I told my husband what steps i took and i'm not sure it made a huge difference but it made a little difference.  Its not the road i want to take, because like others, how do i live with myself leaving someone who is sick, but how do i live living with someone who is so hurtful and abusive to me?  He knows I'm prepared to take that step to seperate and if nothing else makes a difference, he'll only see our son, at best, 50% of the time and i think (hope) thats motivating him to be a bit kinder and gentler.  He's come to me and talked to me about how he's been, so he knows its not right, knows a lot of the aggressiveness comes from him first and then me, in defense of myself.  he went to see a counselor we were seeing together by himself yesterday and seems open to seeing her again, so maybe, without me being present, he can work through some issues privately and completely.  my family and friends don't understand why i stay, but since no one but those in this blog know 'life with cancer', and can't possibly understand why i would stay with someone who can be so hurtful.  My vow to myself and my son is that if it continues and comes to a point where the baby is able to understand it, i will have to end it, i can't expose to a terrible relationship.  My commitment is honestly to the baby right now above all else, my fears or my husbands disease, the baby deserves a chance to 'be healthy' and at peace as much as i can provide. 

Sue

Hussy
Posts: 29
Joined: Jun 2014

Sue, I've been following your posts.  Your son may not be old enough to understand what is happening, but at 13 months, he's certainly old enough to sense that his father is full of fear and anger and that you are stressed and unhappy.  Please consider moving forward with a separation for the sake of your son as well as yourself.  If, during the separation, your husband can work out his issues, great.  But there's no need for you and your son to remain in an emotionally and abusive environment while he does.  As for guilt over leaving someone who is sick, where is his guilt over having put his wife and child through such misery?  A cancer diagnosis does not give someone the right to abuse a loved one. 

SpTeach
Posts: 29
Joined: Mar 2015

In my last reply I meant to say even though "I" have strayed amny times, not "U".  Sorry, i was typing fast and hit wrong key!!

 

Thanks

 

Doug

SpTeach
Posts: 29
Joined: Mar 2015

Hi Sue,

     Was just checking the support site and wanted to say Hi and check in.  I'm sorry things are going the direction they are, but you are 100% right, the baby deserves to be healthy and at peace.  I am hoping that with you drawing the line, he'll see what he's risking losing.  A loving/caring wife and a beautiful baby.  Way too much to throw away because of a bad attitude and anger.  It is so difficult, because we Love our spouses, but we deserve love and respect too. 

     How are things going financially?  I know you said things were tough.  Our house went up for auction on 8/3.  Nobody bid on it but we have found a new house and have moved 95% of the way in.  Just need to finish up some odds and ends.  It's tough and we are seeing a bankruptcy attorney, so in a few months we'll be out of under a tremendous amount of strain.  Not ideal, but it is what it is.  Trust in God and keep him close to your heart.  Although u have strayed many times, he has still been there for me.  I don't know if you're a religious person or not, but I believe and I will continue to pray for you!!  Please keep in touch and let me know how "you" are doing.

 

Doug

Hondo's picture
Hondo
Posts: 6504
Joined: Apr 2009

I am sorry to hear you going through this because I was the same way when I first found out I had NPC cancer. When going through treatment I ran everyone away from me, why my wife stayed or how she could put up with me I don’t know. But she showed me something I did not know what love was all about. She was right there with me when I got the news my cancer was back again but this time I understood more about myself so that I did not run everyone away from me. When I finished treatment about a year later we got more bad news, it was back a 3rd time. But this time I was too weak to do anything more so we went another way just by prayer and for some reason the cancer stopped and I am still alive today. Most important my caregiver wife is still here with me now going on 41 years. I am not saying that you need to stick it out with a madman but maybe try talking to him and letting him know. My problem was I did not know I was running everyone away from me even my children moved out of the house, but to me everyone else had a problem until my wife explained the reason why they moved out.

 

I wish you well and hope your husband understand what you are trying to tell him. If not ask him if he would like to talk to some else who had cancer, I talk through e-mail because I no longer have a voice so I do everything by text massage and e-mail. I would be happy to let him know what he is going through and maybe just maybe it will help him. You can find my e-mail on my all about me page just click on my name Hondo.

Tim.

rdsmom
Posts: 4
Joined: May 2015

Thank you.  Its getting worse not better.  I'm so mentally and physically beaten down by this man who can't do much to help me beacuse he is fighting a terminal disease.  Today was just another examples of how he'll berate me for not doing exactly what he wanted and then slam as many insults as he can at me because i'm doing what i have to (in this instance, work).  I foolishly relied on him to watch the baby this morning who got up at 5am, while i tried to catch another 1/2 hour of sleep before i went to work, after having been up all nght with our son who is getting molars in and having a terrible time of it while his father slept seemingly soundly.  i should have known that i would 'pay' for it.  he's fighting a disease and needs his rest, while he's killing me.  I feel like i'm this lifeless worthless blob that has a baby, who is wonderful, all because his father has cancer and has decides that no one matters but the baby.  I'm genuinely scared to divorce, as i don't think my husband has anything to lose anymore, but i don't think i have a choice anymore and either i 'die' slowly at his hands or take the risk of him going off the deep end.  I'm waiting for his scan in September to either come back with good news or the very worst so that this hell can end and then i feel worse beacsue i feel like i'm wishing someone to die.   I know i have to protect my son, i know i can't let my son see his mother treated this way because my mother in law will be the first one to say what my husband is saying to me is what her husband said to her when he was drinking (she stayed with him and put up with it - but has such a support system in her sisters, where i have none).  Even our joint marital counselor who has zero bias has told me to leave, but i can't get past the guilt.  Financially, i'm the breadwinner, so i already know i'll have to pay him spousal support but am somewhat confident i would get full custody of our sweet baby (due to his diagnosis and insistance he can't woprk or watch the baby full time), but then I am so scared of what a judge will think of me for leaving.  The funny thing (not so funny) is that i think his parents don't want me to divorce him because then they know they have to put up with him.  Please please please don't judge me.

SpTeach
Posts: 29
Joined: Mar 2015

Sue,

     I am so sorry things are going the way they are.  No matter what the situation, no one deseres to be berated and made to feel wothless.  You are unique, you are a mother, a care giver, a woman and first and foremost a human being.  You deserve to be treated as such.  Do what you feel is best for you and the baby.  Noone should judge, they are not in your shoes.  Only you can make this decision.  Give it to God and then move on.  Please keep us informed and let us know how things are going.  I will check back daily to see if you've posted!!  Take Care and God Bless.

 

Doug

tootels
Posts: 1
Joined: Sep 2015

I'm actually writing because I too have a very angry husband and I no longer can handle the abuse.  He was diagnosed with Stage IV pancreatic cancer 14 months ago.  While he's still very independent, he does rely on me very heavily.  Unfortunately, not long after his diagnosis, I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.  Nowhere near the severity of his disease, but I'm still strugging with the chronic pain/severe fatigue, etc. I also work far away and commute 4 hours every day. No matter what I say or do to my husband, I'm always an idiot. I either did this or that wrong, or I'm stupid and worthless and then there are the really nasty insults. I've also been called the "C" word on many ocassions. I keep telling myself that he doesn't mean these things and he's just saying them because he's got cancer and hates the treatment and is terrified of dying. However, it doesn't give me any comfort thinking that he doesn't mean these things. Sometimes I cannot help but engage in these tactics and then I feel HORRIBLE for doing so. I'm literally losing my mind. He literally has no empathy towards me and I feel like he has a license to do or say whatever he wants and I just have to take it. I've decided not to engage, but I'm just constantly getting the verbal beatdown. He's also turning our 2 boys against me. Our eldest son who's in the Air Force now tells me that I'm always wrong and he doesn't like it when I make his Dad mad. And now he's starting to be very abusive towards me. Everytime we have an argument, my husband calls him and tells all about it.  I don't think we should be getting our kids involved. They have enough on their plates. I feel like I'm being ganged up on by our boys and my husband and feel very unwelcome in my own home. To everyone else, my husband apparently is an "inspiration" as he's always telling his former co-workers and long-time friends that he's going to beat this nasty cancer. From what I hear he's always so positive and laughs and everyone talks about what a great smile he has. But I don't know that man!!! The man I know, is very negative and very ANGRY.  I do not understand this at all.  Why is he being this way towards me but so inspirational to everyone else?  I've done hours upon hours of research on this cancer and the only way I was able to get through his early diagnosis was to stay positive. 3% of those diagnosed with Stage IV PC survive 5 years or longer. Well, I kept telling him somebody's got to be in that 3%, and maybe that's you. I probably went overboard though with trying to be positive and a friend of mine told me that he probably felt invalidated. My friend said that if he felt it appropriate to worry or to be negative, then I should let him do it.  That was very hard, because that's the only way I could cope--to believe that would be one of those lucky survivors. Well, things have only gotten worse and not better. I feel like the only way to have some sanity in tact is to leave. I feel terrible for feeling this way, but I don't know what else to do. I'm not even sure if he'd care that I left. I guess I'm worrying too much about what other people are going to think of me...We've been together for 23 years and can't believe that our marriage could very well be over. 

Hussy
Posts: 29
Joined: Jun 2014

Leave.  Now.  Get into therapy.  Now.  Do not worry about what people will think of you.  Your "friend" may think it's ok for your husband to be negative, but a diagnosis of pancreatic cancer does not justify verbal and emotional abuse of one's spouse, no matter how "invalidated" one feels.  Urge him to seek help (if he won't, he won't) and let his oncologist/palliative care doctor know about his behavior.  But leave.  Now.  For your own sanity and safety.  Keep us posted as you can.  

Txgirl
Posts: 9
Joined: Aug 2015

When my fiancé found out he had cancer i thought I was the only one going thru this. Same thing left lung removed upper loBe. Dr said they got it all and now 4chemo treatments. He has only had one so far. i had posted on here if u look for fiancé has stage 2 u  will see it. I find it so sad that there is no preparation for the caregiver to be prepared. U are not alone as I ended up with shingles. He is angry says unkind things selfish and seems to have given up on life. Like u stated we don't have the cancer but we go thru hell. Any advice of help u find let me know. Can anyone tell me with experience if their attitude gives a higher % of cancer coming back?

morecoffeeplease
Posts: 3
Joined: May 2014

My husband has always had problems expressing his emotions, but now that he is recovering from chemo and surgery (stage 4 leiomyosarcoma of the liver) he is even more impossible. He sits in front of the TV all day long and our conversations consist of him either demanding something or criticizing me for some perceived fault. Today he started yelling at me because I was "thinking about not cooking dinner tomorrow" and it angered him. (This was out of the blue - we hadn't even discussed any dinner plans!) This has me worried about his sanity - to say nothing of mine.

I did some investigation on the web and sure enough, anger is a very common symptom of depression in men. So I plan on mentioning this to his oncologist at his next appointment since depression is a sickness and hopefully can be treated. We have been together for over 40 years and I am not about to let this ruin the life we have made together.

I have nothing but sympathy and compassion for everyone posting here. None of us planned on cancer when we married our husbands, and this really sucks. Like you, I want my healthy husband back and it tears me up to know that things will never be the same as they were. I don't have any answers either, but just posting on this website makes me feel better. Hang in there and realize that depression is a side effect of cancer - for both the patient and the caregiver. Tell your oncologist what's going on. And I totally agree that there is a need for better psychological support for all cancer patients and their caregivers. Until that happens, thank goodness for this site for us all to have a place to vent to people who GET IT.

Rxk484
Posts: 3
Joined: Oct 2015

l am a husband that has anger because of this cancer. I'm angry at my self for not taking care of myself better and I am angry for putting all of this on the one person in my life I love so much, Roberta my wife. I will fight this devil, I will win, I will not leave my wife alone I need to be here for her. I will fight, please God give me the strength.

Yazmine
Posts: 11
Joined: Dec 2015

hi ya'll. . About 3 mount ago my husband got diagnostic with Gallbloder cancer , ibig mass and puching at  into he's billis tubos ,so docs have to inset a stins so  they can work . A lot the nights at the hospital ,know Having quimo and looks good ,but not a change for know of operation yet ,maybe if these work they will do later if not only have a top 1-3 years left . 

Is devastered. After 27 years of married we was looking fower to enjoy our life .and look fower he's retirement front the military .

right know I only have a ungry man , and I 'm Ben he's punch bag with he's insults and crying daily myshelf to sleep .

i'm a nurse and I know the I have to back up and left him , go truth , I'm feeling loss and I really need o talk to same one .my family is far from me.

thank you for lisening ?

 

Noellesmom
Posts: 1569
Joined: Aug 2010

I'm sorry you find yourself here and that you and your husband are going through this.  It is a tough road.

You don't have to cry yourself to sleep.  Supporting someone does not mean they can abuse you.  Take care of yourself by insisting he treat you fairly.

If your husband is ill because he is in pain he should ask for help.  Perhaps he needs anti-anxiety medication or help with depression brought about by all the rapid unwelcome changes in his life.

Look for resources in your location to help you.  Perhaps a local minister can help find what you need.

And come here.  We will listen.

Yazmine
Posts: 11
Joined: Dec 2015

thank you for your post , 

is hard when every single moment is nothing bad complain . Them he give me the "not talk treatment" . Or tell me the I'm I considered or disrespectful ..About looking for a Meds ,or consul I try before and he refuses to go o take any extra Meds .So I 

try to stay out the house all day ,and I'm looking for a job ,the last time I spend together the better .I hope he thinks about it .i will still there for hm but I will left him take care himshelf . Right?

 

Noellesmom
Posts: 1569
Joined: Aug 2010

You need support and positive people in your life.  Work can be a good place to find it.

Until then, do all you can to take good care of yourself.  Take long walks, start a journal, get a checkup with your own physician.  Go to the movies, the library, to church.

You are going to be okay no matter how things go for your husband because you are sayinsurviving is not enough.  You want to THRIVE.

And you will.

Hugs.

Pages

Subscribe to Comments for "angry husband"