What do I do about the wedding?

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Ginx525
Ginx525 Member Posts: 16
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
My daughter Jess is getting married to a wonderful young man in May 2011. I am now the primary caregiver for my Mother who was just diagnosed with cancer (Stage 4)and has many other pulmonary problems. Jess had been engaged about a month before all this started.

Jess has had her wedding kind of pushed to the back burner due to my mother and now my mother-in-law (she had a stoke this week and is not doing well). Jess has been an angel through it all and has approached her father and I about wedding preparations. "Can we go look for a dress?" We had an appointment to go on a Saturday in July and my mother had a heart attack on the Thursday of that week and spent 4 days in ICU so we did not make the first appointment.

We have an appointment to go dress shopping this Sunday (day after tomorrow) and I have dreaded it all week. Nothing I could really put my finger on but just not really wanting to go. I was watching Say Yes to the Dress with my daughter this evening and it hit me...I realized that I have been trying to come up with every excuse in the book not to have to go dress shopping. My heart is just not in it and the thoughts that my mom will not get to see her granddaughter get married just breaks my heart. I feel bad when I talk about the wedding and I know my mother is wondering if she will be alive at that time or not...I know that is what I am thinking.

My daughter and her fiancée have already moved the wedding from October 2011 to May 2011 in the hopes that my mother can attend. This is the earliest they can get married due to finishing college and other job related issues. My mother is very close with my daughter and her fiancée and this is breaking my heart. I feel SO GUILTY toward both of them...to my daughter that I can't get my heart into going wedding dress shopping and to my mother because we will be planning a wedding that she very likely will not be here to attend.

I hate cancer. Grrr...

Comments

  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #2
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    independence
    My my but we have a lot in common. My daughter just finished college, but she didn't participate in the graduation ceremony, in large part because I couldn't be there due to my mother's needs. I didn't get to see her two spring breaks in a row, but last Christmas we got to see each other for a whole week!

    I didn't plan to be suddenly absent from my daughter's life like this, and at times I have felt nothing short of slap-out rage over the situation. But the bottom line is that as I had to let go of some little things and lots of expectations, my daughter was forced to become less dependent on me, which is good.

    When my daughter's 18 year old Honda died last year,I actually took out a car loan to get her a late model used Sentra so she would have reliable transportation since I'm unavailable so much of the time. All in all, I don't think my daughter is complaining too much...
  • ketziah35
    ketziah35 Member Posts: 1,145
    #3
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    as an adult daughter whose mother lives far away
    it sounds like you are depressed and it may be better to get out of the house and see if a friend or someone else can watch mom. My mom has cancer and is undergoing chemo. It took me awhile tO realize that cancer issues will be lingering for a long time whether it be chemo, radiation, the longterm side effects from them or followup visits. Going to the first and last visit to pick out the gown is a rites of passage in the relationship between a mom and daughter. You will regret not going and she will feel a void. I watch yes to the dress and those girls that do,'t have mom there cry like they are mourning the loss of a best friend. My mom helped me decorate my house even though she is 500 miles away. We used emailed photos, videos, and phone cameras to talk about my decorating. Anything she can bring to you I would try to participate in. Anything sheyou can't participate in see if an aunt or one of your good friends can step in on your behalf.

    I would try to come up with people who can sit with mom. I understand that you have to be there when she had a heart attack, but life's activities have to move on with or without cancer. Your mother will need a refreshed undepressed daughter. Taking care of oneself is key to being a caregiver.


    Sorry. I am the blunt daughter.

    Luv ktz
  • geotina
    geotina Member Posts: 2,111 Member
    #4
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    Gin
    This is one of the most important times in your daughter's life and yours also. Get someone to sit with mom and go out and embrace the experience of helping her pick out the most perfect dress and help in the planning as much as possible. I fear you may regret it if you don't and your daughter will be very hurt. Dress shopping is only one day but a very important day, share that joy with your daughter.

    Take care - Tina
  • teacher9
    teacher9 Member Posts: 17
    #5
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    It took me a little while to
    It took me a little while to realize that it was ok to leave my husband with someone I trusted and take time for myself and the other things that were happening in my life. But you have to do it. Life continues with or without cancer in it. I know that I would be very sad if my mom was not at my dress appointment. Big hugs, and good luck with that. Don't forget to take time for yourself too, I know it's very hard!
  • Ginx525
    Ginx525 Member Posts: 16
    #6
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    teacher9 said:

    It took me a little while to
    It took me a little while to realize that it was ok to leave my husband with someone I trusted and take time for myself and the other things that were happening in my life. But you have to do it. Life continues with or without cancer in it. I know that I would be very sad if my mom was not at my dress appointment. Big hugs, and good luck with that. Don't forget to take time for yourself too, I know it's very hard!

    Dress Shopping
    we are heading out to Gastonia tomorrow morning. We have an appointment at 12. I know it will be hard but I have decided to take lots of pictures/video and share it with my Mom when we get home. My husband will be here and my Dad said he will come as usual and sit with Mom some. (he lives right beside of us and Mom has lived with me since we brought her home from the hospital...we can take care of her 24/7 and Dad is 76 and can barely take care of himself...it was just easier for her to live here)

    I will be there for my daughter just as I was for her sister. All this "cancer stuff" is still so new it is just hard to be happy right now. I will make the best of it.

    Thanks for the comments
  • zinniemay
    zinniemay Member Posts: 522
    #7
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    wedding
    Is there anyway you could film you and your daughter looking at dresses? Then set with your mother and let her see this happy moment? Maybe get someone to stay with your mom whom she likes so that she could have a good talk with. A friend of hers? Then while you are with your daughter your mom can have time with someone too? Maybe it is just a silly ideal ,I guess I am just thinking out of the box.
  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #8
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    The Dress
    Would love to see a picture of the dress y'all pick out! Share!
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #9
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    Ginx525 said:

    Dress Shopping
    we are heading out to Gastonia tomorrow morning. We have an appointment at 12. I know it will be hard but I have decided to take lots of pictures/video and share it with my Mom when we get home. My husband will be here and my Dad said he will come as usual and sit with Mom some. (he lives right beside of us and Mom has lived with me since we brought her home from the hospital...we can take care of her 24/7 and Dad is 76 and can barely take care of himself...it was just easier for her to live here)

    I will be there for my daughter just as I was for her sister. All this "cancer stuff" is still so new it is just hard to be happy right now. I will make the best of it.

    Thanks for the comments

    Dress Shopping
    I have two sons, so I never had the dress experience with a daughter. One of my daughters-inn-law did invite me along which I thought was very nice. I am glad you decided to go. Life continues to happen even with cancer. My husband lived with a stage 4 dx for 6 years. During that time a lot of life happened. We made some wonderful memories. You really can't put life on hold. I learned that. I think those first few weeks after the initial dx is one of the most difficult times. In many ways you are grieving for the life you had before cancer became a part of your life. That is very normal. When my husband wasn't able to get to things because of chemo side effects or just not feeling up to it, he would encourage me to go. Then I would come home and share with him. That is what I miss most now is the sharing. It sounds like you had a good plan to cover for you with your mother and also share those memories. You are on the right track. It is just a very tough track to travel. Take care,Fay
  • Ginx525
    Ginx525 Member Posts: 16
    #10
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    Noellesmom said:

    The Dress
    Would love to see a picture of the dress y'all pick out! Share!

    The dress
    The cancer was forgotten for a day (almost). I headed to Gastonia with my girls and we went out and had brunch together. Me and my two beautiful daughters (I have twins and they will be 25 in Nov.) had a fabulous day. We laughed and it was great. She found a dress and I was happy that I went. I was surprised that she found it on her first day out but when she saw herself in the mirror and the tears started to flow, we all knew it was the right one. She would cry and then her sister would cry. Oh ok, I may have shed a tear or two. :) She came home and shared her day and the pictures with her "Nannie" and it was a memory I will treasure watching them together as she shared her excitement of finding "the dress."

    Thanks again for all the comments and support.

    Ok, I will share the dress with ya'll...no telling anyone though...I will get in big trouble if she finds out... :) Here is a link...
    http://www.bestbridalprices.com/alfred-angelo-wedding-dresses-style-2007-p-31602.html
  • zinniemay
    zinniemay Member Posts: 522
    #11
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    Ginx525 said:

    The dress
    The cancer was forgotten for a day (almost). I headed to Gastonia with my girls and we went out and had brunch together. Me and my two beautiful daughters (I have twins and they will be 25 in Nov.) had a fabulous day. We laughed and it was great. She found a dress and I was happy that I went. I was surprised that she found it on her first day out but when she saw herself in the mirror and the tears started to flow, we all knew it was the right one. She would cry and then her sister would cry. Oh ok, I may have shed a tear or two. :) She came home and shared her day and the pictures with her "Nannie" and it was a memory I will treasure watching them together as she shared her excitement of finding "the dress."

    Thanks again for all the comments and support.

    Ok, I will share the dress with ya'll...no telling anyone though...I will get in big trouble if she finds out... :) Here is a link...
    http://www.bestbridalprices.com/alfred-angelo-wedding-dresses-style-2007-p-31602.html

    The dress
    I am so happy you did that with your daughters, That sounds like you had a good time with them. Memories are great !
  • grandmafay
    grandmafay Member Posts: 1,633 Member
    #12
    Options
    Ginx525 said:

    The dress
    The cancer was forgotten for a day (almost). I headed to Gastonia with my girls and we went out and had brunch together. Me and my two beautiful daughters (I have twins and they will be 25 in Nov.) had a fabulous day. We laughed and it was great. She found a dress and I was happy that I went. I was surprised that she found it on her first day out but when she saw herself in the mirror and the tears started to flow, we all knew it was the right one. She would cry and then her sister would cry. Oh ok, I may have shed a tear or two. :) She came home and shared her day and the pictures with her "Nannie" and it was a memory I will treasure watching them together as she shared her excitement of finding "the dress."

    Thanks again for all the comments and support.

    Ok, I will share the dress with ya'll...no telling anyone though...I will get in big trouble if she finds out... :) Here is a link...
    http://www.bestbridalprices.com/alfred-angelo-wedding-dresses-style-2007-p-31602.html

    Memories
    It is those good memories that will see you through the difficult times. I am so glad you went. Your girls will always treasure this day. Fay
  • Noellesmom
    Noellesmom Member Posts: 1,859 Member
    #13
    Options
    Ginx525 said:

    The dress
    The cancer was forgotten for a day (almost). I headed to Gastonia with my girls and we went out and had brunch together. Me and my two beautiful daughters (I have twins and they will be 25 in Nov.) had a fabulous day. We laughed and it was great. She found a dress and I was happy that I went. I was surprised that she found it on her first day out but when she saw herself in the mirror and the tears started to flow, we all knew it was the right one. She would cry and then her sister would cry. Oh ok, I may have shed a tear or two. :) She came home and shared her day and the pictures with her "Nannie" and it was a memory I will treasure watching them together as she shared her excitement of finding "the dress."

    Thanks again for all the comments and support.

    Ok, I will share the dress with ya'll...no telling anyone though...I will get in big trouble if she finds out... :) Here is a link...
    http://www.bestbridalprices.com/alfred-angelo-wedding-dresses-style-2007-p-31602.html

    The dress
    How elegant! White or ivory?
  • Ginx525
    Ginx525 Member Posts: 16
    #14
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    Noellesmom said:

    The dress
    How elegant! White or ivory?

    The dress
    White-Thanks for the comments

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