how many marriages fail?

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patti anne
patti anne Member Posts: 101
edited March 2014 in Breast Cancer #1
I haven't been around too much lately, but I was just wondering how many marriages just don't make it past the treatment and recovery? I thought mine would be different, but we don't even speak to each other anymore.

I was diagnosed in January of 09. Had a unilateral mastectomy, chemo and radiation all in that year. This May I had a DIEP and will do stage two of that surgery some time this year. I don't know if it the cancer or that we just grew apart. I never thought it would be us. We've been married for 22 yrs (high school sweethearts) and have 5 kids...three are in college, one in high school and one in middle school.

I wouldn't even know where to begin.

Thanks for listening, cancer is such a lonely road.
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  • mwallace1325
    mwallace1325 Member Posts: 806
    #2
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    I'm so sorry
    I'm so sorry to hear this. Just know that for what it's worth, we're here for you.

    marge
  • jackiejhm
    jackiejhm Member Posts: 169
    #3
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    Oh no
    My heart aches for you Patti Anne. I am so very sorry to hear of your sad news. I think milestones in general-good or bad can wreak havoc on marriages. Please be strong-xoxo, Jackie
  • Marcia527
    Marcia527 Member Posts: 2,729
    #4
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    Maybe you could plan an
    Maybe you could plan an evening/day doing something that you used to do. Something that will remind him of the girl inside. Even tho we age and change, some part of our spirit stays the same.
  • CypressCynthia
    CypressCynthia Member Posts: 4,014 Member
    #5
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    I am sorry to hear about
    I am sorry to hear about your marriage. I think any stressor in a marriage can affect the relationship--sometimes good but probably often bad. Cancer is a lonely road, but you have turned to the right place. A support group where you meet others might be helpful too. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
  • Jennifer1961
    Jennifer1961 Member Posts: 137
    #6
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    It's tough
    Quite frankly sometimes I want to kill my husband for being insensitive (and so do some of my friends). Most guys just don't get it or don't know how it express things. Right now we're getting along, but there are times I wonder..... We've been married for almost 15 years with 3 kids. Try to hang in there. If you want to send me a message please feel free. A lot of times I want to talk to someone about this when things are bad and I feel I have no where to turn. As I said, things are okay now, but my journey just started in May. I sometimes don't know how it will all work out. Just remember you are not alone. Even if your partner is not there, there are many standing beside you.
  • Mama G
    Mama G Member Posts: 762
    #7
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    Jennifer1961 said:

    It's tough
    Quite frankly sometimes I want to kill my husband for being insensitive (and so do some of my friends). Most guys just don't get it or don't know how it express things. Right now we're getting along, but there are times I wonder..... We've been married for almost 15 years with 3 kids. Try to hang in there. If you want to send me a message please feel free. A lot of times I want to talk to someone about this when things are bad and I feel I have no where to turn. As I said, things are okay now, but my journey just started in May. I sometimes don't know how it will all work out. Just remember you are not alone. Even if your partner is not there, there are many standing beside you.

    37 years here and....
    believe me this has been one of the toughest years of all. Most men have no clue what to do and how to handle this situation, and mine tried in the strangest ways. Just didn't work for me and unfortunately I let him know. It's hard to be sensitive to someone else's feelings with all we're going through! Hang in there, I hope and pray things improve. In my case it's a roller coaster ride....
  • ladybug22
    ladybug22 Member Posts: 646
    #8
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    i am sorry
    Can you talk to him and tell him how you feel.i have been married 35 years we talk more now than we ever did.he went to every chemo. and test i had run.he was my back bone.talk to him he just may come aroundmen like to be able to fix thing he cant fix so hr could be feeling left outgood luck to both of you hugs and love comming your way'.
  • ladybug22
    ladybug22 Member Posts: 646
    #9
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    i am sorry
    Can you talk to him and tell him how you feel.i have been married 35 years we talk more now than we ever did.he went to every chemo. and test i had run.he was my back bone.talk to him he just may come aroundmen like to be able to fix thing he cant fix so hr could be feeling left outgood luck to both of you hugs and love comming your way'.
  • sea60
    sea60 Member Posts: 2,613
    #10
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    Communicate
    I know it's easier said than done and I know some people shut down but if there's a possibility you can somehow begin talking about this. Talking through feelings, emotions and fears. People can't read minds and the only way to get through is to communicate.

    I truly hope and pray everything turns around for you.

    We're all here for you.
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #11
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    ladybug22 said:

    i am sorry
    Can you talk to him and tell him how you feel.i have been married 35 years we talk more now than we ever did.he went to every chemo. and test i had run.he was my back bone.talk to him he just may come aroundmen like to be able to fix thing he cant fix so hr could be feeling left outgood luck to both of you hugs and love comming your way'.

    This is my second primary
    This is my second primary and I had the first when we were in our early 30's with two small children, I was very angry at the way things went. I had little support etc.. It took a toll on our marriage, over the years we talked about it slowly. painfully sometimes. when I was diagnosed this time, the talking had helped, our age has helped, and our kids are older. Many things I needed before, he was able to do this time. he was my rock. Sometimes I have to straighten him out, and when I lose patience I try to put myself in his place. Its not just me going through this, and he is afraid, and worried. I remember the first time I was able to eat he was so happy. they just hold more in. I go to therapy and this helps. We should have gone to marriage counseling the first time, I think it would have been good for us. Perhaps you can try that. I also am pretty up front about things now which has caught his attention. All in all I think we want to be together, but its not always easy with all the complicated layers. Marriages have their ups and downs anyway and sometimes you go throough these cycles,, but dont let it last too long. you deserve to be happy.
  • ms.sunshine
    ms.sunshine Member Posts: 707 Member
    #12
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    carkris said:

    This is my second primary
    This is my second primary and I had the first when we were in our early 30's with two small children, I was very angry at the way things went. I had little support etc.. It took a toll on our marriage, over the years we talked about it slowly. painfully sometimes. when I was diagnosed this time, the talking had helped, our age has helped, and our kids are older. Many things I needed before, he was able to do this time. he was my rock. Sometimes I have to straighten him out, and when I lose patience I try to put myself in his place. Its not just me going through this, and he is afraid, and worried. I remember the first time I was able to eat he was so happy. they just hold more in. I go to therapy and this helps. We should have gone to marriage counseling the first time, I think it would have been good for us. Perhaps you can try that. I also am pretty up front about things now which has caught his attention. All in all I think we want to be together, but its not always easy with all the complicated layers. Marriages have their ups and downs anyway and sometimes you go throough these cycles,, but dont let it last too long. you deserve to be happy.

    Know how you feel
    I've been married 14 years been together 16 years. I was so in love with my husband, after 16 years I still watched for his truck to turn into the driveway after work. I would make sure I looked pretty for him. My heart would get excited when he came home even after 16 years. I was crazy about him. Then cancer. He has really dropped the ball so to speak. I have really been hurt, and disappointed in him. I still love him, but have lost the passion, admiration, and respect I once had for him.
    Starting out on this journey I believed he was the strong one, now I have learned that it is I that is the strong one. All the best to you and your family.
    Jennifer
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #13
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    sea60 said:

    Communicate
    I know it's easier said than done and I know some people shut down but if there's a possibility you can somehow begin talking about this. Talking through feelings, emotions and fears. People can't read minds and the only way to get through is to communicate.

    I truly hope and pray everything turns around for you.

    We're all here for you.

    Sea 60 is right, you have to
    Sea 60 is right, you have to do the hard work to be better. this is a frightening experience for everyone. the whole family is involved. then you put taking care of kids, the economy etc.. in the mix now add cancer yikes. nobody gives you the guidebook on how to do this. everyones marriage is so different.and people are so different. It makes me so sad to see what cancer can do. I hate to see it win. I HATE IT!
  • VickiSam
    VickiSam Member Posts: 9,079 Member
    #14
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    carkris said:

    Sea 60 is right, you have to
    Sea 60 is right, you have to do the hard work to be better. this is a frightening experience for everyone. the whole family is involved. then you put taking care of kids, the economy etc.. in the mix now add cancer yikes. nobody gives you the guidebook on how to do this. everyones marriage is so different.and people are so different. It makes me so sad to see what cancer can do. I hate to see it win. I HATE IT!

    I am so very sorry that you find yourself in this
    marriage situation .. 3 kids in College .. and 2 more at home. Is there counseling offered at your church, or thru insurance? Is your husband willing to go this route? Only you two know - the intimate workings of your relationship. Please talk and discuss all aspects of your life, children and illness.

    Keeping you in my prayers ..


    All the Best -)

    Vicki Sam
  • Hubby
    Hubby Member Posts: 325
    #15
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    I hope you guys can work it
    I hope you guys can work it out. It's hard to be a husband with a wife who has or had cancer. The rules change every day. I'm a big believer in the power of touch. Grab his hand; demand a hug.

    Bob
  • RE
    RE Member Posts: 4,591 Member
    #16
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    HOPE
    Patti, please don't give up yet there is hope you two can get through this. My dad is a wonderful man (navy seal) who when my mom had her first bout with cancer and a double mastectomy he fell apart, he was far from the strong man we knew. There were 5 kids involved me and my lil sis were the only ones still home at the time. He took her to her appt. and I took her to chemo, it changed her emotionally (and rightly so) and it altered her appearance drastically. It was the new normal we sometimes talk about, it took a few years to adjust and it took my dad realizing this was not something he could fix. It was rough, but time and for them church helped. I will tell you that as a child in the home it was difficult to watch, but as an adult now I have the greatest admiration for the both of them for what they endured and rose above. Time and some form of counseling could help you two as well. In the end my dad came through and they had 26 more wonderful years together. I hope this works itself out I truly do, you have been and will continue to be in my prayers.

    RE
  • Heatherbelle
    Heatherbelle Member Posts: 1,226 Member
    #17
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    I'm sorry ..that just
    I'm sorry ..that just stinks...my husband and I were high school sweethearts too, celebrated out 10th wedding anniversary this year. A few weeks before I was diagnosed. Cancer can take the sparkle out of any relationship -even the most communicative ones. This has been very hard on us, and my husband is very supportive of me & helpful, I can't imagine how I'd get through it without his help. I know I make it hard for him to like me sometimes, though, lol...i have no patience left, im unpredictable at best, my moods swing more than monkeys at the zoo, im crap as far as housekeeping goes right now, relying on frozen meals to feed our family when (which is rarely) i do cook anything anymore, and our romantic life is practically non-existent. And I'm really cranky alot too. We just try to remind ourselves & each other that this is temporary, that we will get through it & soon. I hope you do too :)
    *hugs*
    Heather
  • sweetvickid
    sweetvickid Member Posts: 459 Member
    #18
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    Heatherbelle said:

    I'm sorry ..that just
    I'm sorry ..that just stinks...my husband and I were high school sweethearts too, celebrated out 10th wedding anniversary this year. A few weeks before I was diagnosed. Cancer can take the sparkle out of any relationship -even the most communicative ones. This has been very hard on us, and my husband is very supportive of me & helpful, I can't imagine how I'd get through it without his help. I know I make it hard for him to like me sometimes, though, lol...i have no patience left, im unpredictable at best, my moods swing more than monkeys at the zoo, im crap as far as housekeeping goes right now, relying on frozen meals to feed our family when (which is rarely) i do cook anything anymore, and our romantic life is practically non-existent. And I'm really cranky alot too. We just try to remind ourselves & each other that this is temporary, that we will get through it & soon. I hope you do too :)
    *hugs*
    Heather

    Men
    Mine unfortunately lived up to my expecatations and has been no support. Yes he went to all my appointments because eh thought that was what he was suppose to do. But he would wander off to go find himself something to eat or read or remember an errand he needed to do. When he did stay in the room with me and the oncologist he never paid attention to what was beeing said but would read a magazine. At home I would have to ask him to do the floors and pickup the house. When he got hungry he would go to town and eat. Never occured to him to see if he should bring me back something to eat. When I felt so bad I couldn't get out of bed and would just lay there for days he never checked on me.

    The funny thing is the other week he gat a flu bug and I had made plans to meet a friend who was in town. He was shocked that I was going to leave the house when he was sick. I told him now you know how I felt when you took a roadtrip the day after I had chemo.
  • Pinkpower
    Pinkpower Member Posts: 437
    #19
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    sweetvickid said:

    Men
    Mine unfortunately lived up to my expecatations and has been no support. Yes he went to all my appointments because eh thought that was what he was suppose to do. But he would wander off to go find himself something to eat or read or remember an errand he needed to do. When he did stay in the room with me and the oncologist he never paid attention to what was beeing said but would read a magazine. At home I would have to ask him to do the floors and pickup the house. When he got hungry he would go to town and eat. Never occured to him to see if he should bring me back something to eat. When I felt so bad I couldn't get out of bed and would just lay there for days he never checked on me.

    The funny thing is the other week he gat a flu bug and I had made plans to meet a friend who was in town. He was shocked that I was going to leave the house when he was sick. I told him now you know how I felt when you took a roadtrip the day after I had chemo.

    Some may remember what I
    Some may remember what I posted not that long ago. Cancer really takes a toll on a marriage. My husband was very supportive, he always been the kind to help around the house as needed, never had to ask. So when cancer hit, it was not much difference when it came to household chores or the kids, but it did affect us when it came to our personal relationship. I remember posting, I felt like my husband and I had become my caregiver instead of husband and wife. Intimacy was non-existant for months since my 1st surgery. Thru good advise from everyone here I found a way to communicate with my husband, thank God for text messages, yeap thats how I did it, thru a text message. And it worked, it got us talking about such personal issues as sex and how we both felt. And Im glad to inform we are doing a lot better.
  • carkris
    carkris Member Posts: 4,553 Member
    #20
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    Pinkpower said:

    Some may remember what I
    Some may remember what I posted not that long ago. Cancer really takes a toll on a marriage. My husband was very supportive, he always been the kind to help around the house as needed, never had to ask. So when cancer hit, it was not much difference when it came to household chores or the kids, but it did affect us when it came to our personal relationship. I remember posting, I felt like my husband and I had become my caregiver instead of husband and wife. Intimacy was non-existant for months since my 1st surgery. Thru good advise from everyone here I found a way to communicate with my husband, thank God for text messages, yeap thats how I did it, thru a text message. And it worked, it got us talking about such personal issues as sex and how we both felt. And Im glad to inform we are doing a lot better.

    that is a great idea.
    that is a great idea. I am also thinking a weekend away wouldnt hurt. kids kind of get in the way too, its worse with the teenagers they know too much!!!
  • Hubby
    Hubby Member Posts: 325
    #21
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    Pinkpower said:

    Some may remember what I
    Some may remember what I posted not that long ago. Cancer really takes a toll on a marriage. My husband was very supportive, he always been the kind to help around the house as needed, never had to ask. So when cancer hit, it was not much difference when it came to household chores or the kids, but it did affect us when it came to our personal relationship. I remember posting, I felt like my husband and I had become my caregiver instead of husband and wife. Intimacy was non-existant for months since my 1st surgery. Thru good advise from everyone here I found a way to communicate with my husband, thank God for text messages, yeap thats how I did it, thru a text message. And it worked, it got us talking about such personal issues as sex and how we both felt. And Im glad to inform we are doing a lot better.

    Light at the end of the tunnel?
    I just put it in my brain not to bring up intimacy until well after radiation is over. If she wants to bring it up before then I'll be a happy camper, but I don't want to make her feel like it's her wifely duty.

    There are extra chores and there is less time to do them in. Lack of sleep, shortness of temper, ready to snap at any time are all a given. In general, life is pretty crappy right now, but I am probably spending more to talking to and cuddling with Donna then at any time else in our marriage, so in a way, it has made us closer. Life will get better, and my relationship stronger.

    Just as long as that light at the end of the tunnel isn't an oncoming train, we'll be fine.

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