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Feeling Lost

damama24
Posts: 175
Joined: Nov 2009

It was one year ago today I found out I had cancer. I'm still in treatment and probably will be until the end. I have Stage IV colon cancer and have been told I'm inoperable. The current chemo I'm on is showing tumors shrinking and CEA going down. I should be happy, but I just feel like what is the point. Yes,I'm alive I feel pretty good but, have no life to speak of. I lost my job because early in treatment I was really sick and exhausted all my medical leave. So now I spend every day at home sitting in my house waiting for this disease to take me. I have no friends as they were all work friends and have all drifted away. I have my husband and kids but they all work and have lives of their own. I'm sorry for sounding so whiney and pitiful. I just don't know if I want to live if this is all my life is going to be. It hardly seems worth the effort. I'm sorry Im such a complainer but I just needed to get this out of my system.

Deb P.S. I am on anti-depressents and still have days where I feel this way.

abrub's picture
abrub
Posts: 1528
Joined: Mar 2010

and hug you tight.

Inoperable Stage IV sucks - there is no polite term. However, others on this board have had inoperable cancers turn operable after successful chemo - perhaps your numbers indicate that is a possibility. This may be terminal (heck, life is terminal) but you may well be around for a long time. I'd love to hear that you've found some pleasure in your life.

I understand your feeling this way. Anti-depressants can't make the bad go away; they can just help keep us from sinking as low. This is the place to get this out of your system.

You aren't working now, but are you well enough to volunteer? You still have gifts to share, and you will feel that your life is worthwhile.

Yes, an anniversary of this type reminds us of how far we've come, but also of what is gone from our time remaining. I know that when I was "given" 2 years to live 3 years ago, time took on a new significance.

I hope that this is a downward "blip" in the scheme of things, and that you'll have better days, that you get through this and can enjoy your family and life.

There are a lot of people here in your corner.

Alice

Tina Blondek's picture
Tina Blondek
Posts: 1560
Joined: Nov 2009

Hey Damama Deb!
So happy to see you here. I have missed you! You must make yourself get out of the house. Get involved in some kind of volunteering. You can not wait for this disease to take you, you have to fight and beat this disease! Yes you should be happy, the tumors are shrinking!!
You have to live in the moment, do not look so far into the future. Live for today, for tomorrow may never come! I am glad to hear you are taking anti depressants. They are sure to be helping. Have you ever considered seeing a counselor? Someone who can relate to you and how you are feeling? There has to be someone at your onc. office you can talk to. Holding all of these feelings in, and being at home alone, not going anywhere is not good.
You know that we are all here for you always. We will be praying for you to get out of this funk you are currently in. Keep in touch more often!! Hugs to you.
Tina

grandmafay's picture
grandmafay
Posts: 1610
Joined: Aug 2009

I'm really sorry you are having such a tough time. My husband passed away in Oct. 2009 from colon cancer after a 6 year battle. We pretty much knew from the beginning that he was just buying time with his many treatments. It was hard for all of us but he wanted to buy as much time as possible. We made so many good memories during that time. Maybe this terrible disease will take you as it did him, but right now it sounds like the chemo is working. And we never know what new treatments might come along. Of course you are depressed. Who wouldn't be? This is a tough thing for you and your family to deal with, but I bet they want you around as long as you can be. My husband used to set little goals for himself. He wanted to see our granddaughter who was born after his dx. He wanted to see our sons get promoted in their job. He wanted to make it to our next anniversary. That kind of thing. Those kept him focused on the small celebrations in life. It worked for him. Most of the time he was able to keep a positive outlook. One of his favorite answers to people who asked him how he was was, "It's a good day. I woke up this morning." our idea of a positive attitude was different than many others. We didn't ignore the fact that his cancer was probably terminal, but we tried to make each day count. When my husband felt up to it, we visited with friends and family and did some traveling. We made memories. Try to get out of the house. Have lunch out even if you go by yourself. Take a book. See if one of your work friends can join you for coffee. We often found that friends wanted to visit, but were afraid of disturbing us. Yes, your family is busy and may have lives of their own, but I bet they would enjoy some time with you, too. Come here an vent. It's ok to throw yourself a pity party now and then, too. Maybe you could even invite your family to join you. My guess is that they are hurting, also. Take care, Fay

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