What to say -

Rague · July 2010

or do I say anything or let Hubby talk to her?

A friend (well have known her for years and she is more than an aquaintance but not really a 'best buddy') was at the barn last night. She has a new boyfriend and we were asking her about him. She told us that he is a widower and his wife had died from breast cancer. She didn't 'understand' because the Dr's had said "that they got it all" but it came back and she died. She got a 'horrible' look on her face and changed the subject. This is the first time I've gotten that reaction. I want to talk to her and tell her that there was nothing 'wrong' with her saying about what had happened to his wife. I felt a bit uncomfortable with her uncomfortability. Hubby even noticed how she reacted to what she said. I'm very open and more than willing to talk about my experiences as is Hubby.

So - thoughts! When I see her - do I try to talk to her? Dose Hubby talk to her? Or just do/say nothing?

Thoughts please! (Hope I made sense!)

Susan

jo jo · July 2010

It depends on if she wants
It depends on if she wants to listen or not.
I have encountered people that are uncomfortable talking about bc and avoid a conversation about like the plague or treat you as if you get to close they can get it...Duh...it just shows their lack of education on it and some you can talk to and some you cant.
I guess you just need to use your best judgement if you bring it up to her if she is going to be recieptive or not.

lolad · July 2010

jo jo said:
It depends on if she wants
It depends on if she wants to listen or not.
I have encountered people that are uncomfortable talking about bc and avoid a conversation about like the plague or treat you as if you get to close they can get it...Duh...it just shows their lack of education on it and some you can talk to and some you cant.
I guess you just need to use your best judgement if you bring it up to her if she is going to be recieptive or not.

Susan
I would definately say something so they dont continue to feel uncomfortable when you run into each other. Let them know it didnt bother you and that you are thankful that you made it and sad that the other didnt. It doesnt bother me when someone asks questions, but for some reason or another they are embarrassed or shy to ask. I say ask all you want.

laura

survives · July 2010

lolad said:
Susan
I would definately say something so they dont continue to feel uncomfortable when you run into each other. Let them know it didnt bother you and that you are thankful that you made it and sad that the other didnt. It doesnt bother me when someone asks questions, but for some reason or another they are embarrassed or shy to ask. I say ask all you want.

laura

I agree
Do you know that my dh was even afraid to say "cancer"? We were talking about something, I don't even remember anymore, but my husband was talking about something "spreading like...." and he just stopped, ducked his head, and looked at me. Told him that it was ok to say the word.

And, I think you should say something to this lady, as Laura said. If people get to personal, I'll tell them. You will too. Until then, let them ask, or say as they wish. Life has got to go on. Can't stop just because we have "the disease" (shhhhhhhhhhhhh...don't say THAT word!
>:-) ).

webbwife50 · July 2010

hi
I don't think I'd say anything. She appears not to be into it now, maybe later. Unless you think it bacame uncomfortable because she suddenly remembered you have had bc. Then I just tell her you have no problem discussing your cancer experience.

cahjah75 · July 2010

I'm quite comfortable
Susan, I'm quite comfortable talking about my bc. I haven't experienced the reaction you've had. All I can say is that there is a chance for all of us that cancer comes back but we're all doing what we can right now. That's what matters:) I say a little prayer that I'm alive. Hopefully your friend will come around and not be uncomfortable around you any more.
Char

GayleMc · July 2010

cahjah75 said:
I'm quite comfortable
Susan, I'm quite comfortable talking about my bc. I haven't experienced the reaction you've had. All I can say is that there is a chance for all of us that cancer comes back but we're all doing what we can right now. That's what matters:) I say a little prayer that I'm alive. Hopefully your friend will come around and not be uncomfortable around you any more.
Char

In my opinion, you are an
In my opinion, you are an amazing person to care so much for others that you are worried about her comfort when it comes to discussing your bc. I also hope it works out and I'm sure when the issue arisies again you will know the right thing to say. I also have no problem discussing my cancer and hope to be able to help others the way others have helped me. Best Wishes.

MyTurnNow · July 2010

Susan, I think this lady
Susan, I think this lady would like to discuss this and perhaps understand the whole process more. Her "horrible" look probably came when she suddenly realized and remembered that YOU had breast cancer. Her not knowing how you might react meant the safe thing to do was drop the subject. I would just let her know that you "noticed" her abrupt change of the subject and let her know that you are more than willing to discuss breast cancer. I remember how the fear of the unknown was so prevelent in the beginning after being dx. So, if I can share my knowledge I'm more than happy to do so. Good luck.

Lighthouse_7 · July 2010

My experience had been that
My experience had been that after I say to someone that I've had breast cancer and they gasp and say Oh my dear, I'm so sorry,....I very quickly add or interrupt them from being uncomfortable, and say, No I'm good really! This always makes them comfortable enough to continue with our conversation and a lot of times goes right into someone they knew or a family member who has b/c. They really wanted to talk to me about it, but just had to get over the uncomfortable or awkward beginning.
Hope this helps.
Wanda

carkris · July 2010

Lighthouse_7 said:
My experience had been that
My experience had been that after I say to someone that I've had breast cancer and they gasp and say Oh my dear, I'm so sorry,....I very quickly add or interrupt them from being uncomfortable, and say, No I'm good really! This always makes them comfortable enough to continue with our conversation and a lot of times goes right into someone they knew or a family member who has b/c. They really wanted to talk to me about it, but just had to get over the uncomfortable or awkward beginning.
Hope this helps.
Wanda

Over the years, I have had
Over the years, I have had many responses. When I get the pity look I just say"it is what it is" people take your lead. I think its great you care so much and that she cared too. Some people are oblivious I think that is worse. But for he grace of God go I. as I know I have stuck my foot in my mouth many times. I think it depends on how close you are to this person and if you think it would make any difference. If you are going to see her alot you dont want it to be awkward.
Last year on my second primary , I was with my SIL at a bookstore. she pointed out the book "last lecture" by Randy Pauch (just that one in a huge display) I know how clueless she is so I just ignored it. talkng would make no difference and make me upset. This year in a store a woman needed to see my licence which I dont look like anymore, (dark, curly short hair and 80 pounds thinnner as opposed to blond straight shoulder length hair and 80 pounds heavier) it led to a discussion ofwhy I dont look like that anymore, she proceeded to tell me about a friend who was diagnosed riddled with cancer. I just nodded, she wished me well and I just walked away. My daughter said "mom people say that stuff to you all the time" If they are well intentioned I dont get mad. I've learned to gnore it most of the time.

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