I should be happy & grateful...shouldn't I??
Comments
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Awwww...sweetie, I know you
Awwww...sweetie, I know you ARE grateful, and there is a part of you, maybe hidden, that is even happy! You have gone through sooo much, emotionally and physically! There is no shame in feeling less than stellar~ but there are some things you can do to alleviate the blahs before they overtake you.
Being as you sort of "went there"~ are you having a sexual relationship with your husband? If not, and you are physically able, I highly recommend it! It is a great stress reliever, sleep inducer, and all around good thing! You say your husband is now a caregiver to you and you are feeling like a patient and not a woman? Trust me...your husband would most likely welcome you , he doesn't care about that 20 pounds~ you do! I do not want to overstep a boundary here, and forgive me if I did! But it was a thought....
The meds/treatment certainly can have a negative effect on us and our psyche~ you can speak with your Dr about this if it lingers. Things can be done!
You may have to force yourself, but get outside and rev up your endorphins! Go for a walk, go to the Y for a swim, call a girfriend ( or your daughters) and go for a walk with them! You need Vitamin D on your skin, fresh air on your face, and blood coursing through your veins! And, those extra 20 pounds won't want to stick around for the walk! Added bonus!
I recently joined a book club~ first time ever, and I LOVE it! It is just women, we read mysteries, and no one knows my "past", and I don't know theirs! It is sooo wonderful! Maybe there is an activity outside of Beast Battling you can find, too!
I am not saying you need to do everything I suggested! Maybe you can start to incorporate a few into your routine! I have an idea the other sisters here on the boards will also weigh in with great ideas!
Don't be too hard on yourself~ you have been through a lot! You will find yourself again, honestly! Set a romantic table, add some candles, and a few balloons and celebrate with your family! Make it Valentine's Day in July and let your family know how much you love them! They will reciprocate!
Hugs,
Chen♥0 -
Thank you Cherichenheart said:Awwww...sweetie, I know you
Awwww...sweetie, I know you ARE grateful, and there is a part of you, maybe hidden, that is even happy! You have gone through sooo much, emotionally and physically! There is no shame in feeling less than stellar~ but there are some things you can do to alleviate the blahs before they overtake you.
Being as you sort of "went there"~ are you having a sexual relationship with your husband? If not, and you are physically able, I highly recommend it! It is a great stress reliever, sleep inducer, and all around good thing! You say your husband is now a caregiver to you and you are feeling like a patient and not a woman? Trust me...your husband would most likely welcome you , he doesn't care about that 20 pounds~ you do! I do not want to overstep a boundary here, and forgive me if I did! But it was a thought....
The meds/treatment certainly can have a negative effect on us and our psyche~ you can speak with your Dr about this if it lingers. Things can be done!
You may have to force yourself, but get outside and rev up your endorphins! Go for a walk, go to the Y for a swim, call a girfriend ( or your daughters) and go for a walk with them! You need Vitamin D on your skin, fresh air on your face, and blood coursing through your veins! And, those extra 20 pounds won't want to stick around for the walk! Added bonus!
I recently joined a book club~ first time ever, and I LOVE it! It is just women, we read mysteries, and no one knows my "past", and I don't know theirs! It is sooo wonderful! Maybe there is an activity outside of Beast Battling you can find, too!
I am not saying you need to do everything I suggested! Maybe you can start to incorporate a few into your routine! I have an idea the other sisters here on the boards will also weigh in with great ideas!
Don't be too hard on yourself~ you have been through a lot! You will find yourself again, honestly! Set a romantic table, add some candles, and a few balloons and celebrate with your family! Make it Valentine's Day in July and let your family know how much you love them! They will reciprocate!
Hugs,
Chen♥
Yeah I did wnt to touch on the sex part. It has been absent since I started chemo months ago. But its not because of me. I still wnt to. I didnt know how to help my husband with this, hispanic men are not the easiest to talk to when it comes to something bothering them. But I like your Valentine's Day in July idea. I think I can come up with something here. Thanks
Lupe0 -
Pinkpower, look at all thatPinkpower said:Thank you Cheri
Yeah I did wnt to touch on the sex part. It has been absent since I started chemo months ago. But its not because of me. I still wnt to. I didnt know how to help my husband with this, hispanic men are not the easiest to talk to when it comes to something bothering them. But I like your Valentine's Day in July idea. I think I can come up with something here. Thanks
Lupe
Pinkpower, look at all that you have gone through. All of that takes a huge toll on us, emotionally and physically. Having breast cancer is hard, very hard. And, no one can understand unless they have been through it, no one. That is why this board is so great, we do understand, we have been there!
Even though you and your husband are going through some different times now, what a great man he is for helping you like he is. This is so hard on our husbands. They aren't use to seeing us going through surgery, going through all of the tests, our bodies changed, our mind filled with so much that we can't even think at times. We change, but, it doesn't have to be for the worse.
I am not on tamoxifen, nor, did I have chemo. You may be going through menopause and that can alter your moods. So, tell your oncologist about this, how you are feeling. You might need an anti anxiety pill or an antidepressant.
And, if you feel like it and can, plan a date night with your husband. See if he seems open to that. It is a night where it is just the two of you and no one and nothing else to interfere. Who knows, just the excitement of you two having an evening alone, going out for dinner or something, or, just staying home might rekindle some of the romance that you miss.
Mainly, good luck to you! I hope something I said might console or help you!
Sue
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Many of us suffer after it seems the worst is over.Pinkpower said:Thank you Cheri
Yeah I did wnt to touch on the sex part. It has been absent since I started chemo months ago. But its not because of me. I still wnt to. I didnt know how to help my husband with this, hispanic men are not the easiest to talk to when it comes to something bothering them. But I like your Valentine's Day in July idea. I think I can come up with something here. Thanks
Lupe
Hi Lupe,
It is when it seems that the worst is over that many of us are hit with what seems like post traumatic stress syndrome. When the dust settles and we're done with the daily routine of treatments, our emotions finally come through big time. I spoke to my doctor about it and she said that it is very common. After treatment, many women go through a grieving process for the way life used to be. I don't know if that's your situation, but it is what I went through. I am happy to say that a year later, I'm fine. I am back to exercising and have lost 10 of the 20 lbs. I put on. I would take Chen's advise and start enjoying your body again. Walking is a great way to get your strengh and your positive attitude back. It is also something your family can do together. I'm sure your husband would appreciate the sex suggestion,too.
Do something nice for yourself every day. You deserve it.
Roseann0 -
Big adjustments
You are still adjusting to the Tamox., which is powerful stuff and messes with the emotions. Add in the early menopause and herceptin -- no wonder you feel hammered, emotionally.
Would it be worth talking to your doctor about an antidepressant? Many woman here testify to the relief they get -- still being able to be themselves but without the overwhelming emotions.
I feel less than positive about my weight gain and scars. For now, wearing a sexy, silky chemise or slip makes all the difference when I'm with my husband. I'm just better being covered up right now, but still looking and feeling womanly.
Wishing you all the best.0 -
Please talk with your
Please talk with your oncologist. Most oncs are well aware that there are few of us who won't hit a serious situational depreession. If you decide to take an antidepressant, you may want to avoid paxil, prozac or zoloft and instead opt for celexa, lexapro or zoloft while on tamoxifen.
See:
http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/703744
Also, below is a link that you can copy and paste in your browser from Consumer Reports. It discusses how to recognize and treat depression.
Hope this helps as you are definitely not alone.0 -
Grateful....but pissed!!!!
This thing changed my life forever!!! I wasn't at a place where I wanted these changes...
Sure, as you can tell from my posts, I am living life large, but that is always a bit in the shadow of my fight...a scar here and there, a few 'I can't lift this or that'...
So, yeah, grateful to be alive, to have a reprieve for the moment from the beast (I had 2 cancers, both in the lymph system), all of that...
But also pissed that this thing even tried to get me and scared me...(my rectal cancer, I was given 6 months to live, 5 years ago....)
Hugs, Kathi0 -
Yes, we are
Yes we are grateful to be alive. But remember what you've been through. I had been on an antidepressant Wellbutrin for the past few years because I couldn't cope with menopause. Four years ago I started falling down and to make a story short - I had 11 surgeries in 2 1/2 years to mend both shoulders, spine fusion and knee repair. Sex was the last thing on my mind so now that I'm post bilateral mastectomy at age 61 there is nothing remotely sexy about me. I'm sure my husband wouldn't mind starting up a sexual relationship again but thank goodness he understands that emotionally or physically I just can't go there. I'm hoping that you're relationship gets better with time. My husband too is very quiet and doesn't express what he's missing. Hang in there and wishing you the best. If it wasn't so hot outside I might just go for that walk....
Char0 -
Pinkpower
Sorry to hear that you are so down. Please talk to your oncologist about your feelings. Mine told me to make sure that she would give me a prescription to help me through. I always feel better when I get out of the house. When I'm here too long, the walls start closing in. I can't say anything more, than Chen and the other girls have expressed. Hang in there, and remember we are here for you. Hugs, Jean0 -
KathyKathiM said:Grateful....but pissed!!!!
This thing changed my life forever!!! I wasn't at a place where I wanted these changes...
Sure, as you can tell from my posts, I am living life large, but that is always a bit in the shadow of my fight...a scar here and there, a few 'I can't lift this or that'...
So, yeah, grateful to be alive, to have a reprieve for the moment from the beast (I had 2 cancers, both in the lymph system), all of that...
But also pissed that this thing even tried to get me and scared me...(my rectal cancer, I was given 6 months to live, 5 years ago....)
Hugs, Kathi
Thanks for sharing with me Kathi... I'm glad you are still with us. Stay strong & I will do the same.0 -
I'm so glad this subjectJean 0609 said:Pinkpower
Sorry to hear that you are so down. Please talk to your oncologist about your feelings. Mine told me to make sure that she would give me a prescription to help me through. I always feel better when I get out of the house. When I'm here too long, the walls start closing in. I can't say anything more, than Chen and the other girls have expressed. Hang in there, and remember we are here for you. Hugs, Jean
I'm so glad this subject came up. Thanks PinkPower.
My husband is the best. He has never indicated in any way that he is dissatified or upset with our situation. He actually thrives on caring for me. He says that the only time I 'need' him is when I'm ill (I'm a tad on the independent/self-sufficient side normally). I asked him about the lack of sex and he said that he knew that when we are through this experience that sex would be back in our relationship. Right now, I can't imagine feeling sexy again! I had BLM; even with reconstruction I won't have sensation, etc. I have so many scars, not just from the BLM but also from the port implantation and the drains (one of which I STILL have). My husband and I are in our 50s, but with zero libido on my part and self-image issues I just can't imagine returning to a healthy sex life.
Someone tell me there's hope!!
Chickadee0 -
I was 53 when I was firstChickadee1955 said:I'm so glad this subject
I'm so glad this subject came up. Thanks PinkPower.
My husband is the best. He has never indicated in any way that he is dissatified or upset with our situation. He actually thrives on caring for me. He says that the only time I 'need' him is when I'm ill (I'm a tad on the independent/self-sufficient side normally). I asked him about the lack of sex and he said that he knew that when we are through this experience that sex would be back in our relationship. Right now, I can't imagine feeling sexy again! I had BLM; even with reconstruction I won't have sensation, etc. I have so many scars, not just from the BLM but also from the port implantation and the drains (one of which I STILL have). My husband and I are in our 50s, but with zero libido on my part and self-image issues I just can't imagine returning to a healthy sex life.
Someone tell me there's hope!!
Chickadee
I was 53 when I was first diagnosed~ I had a lumpectomy, lymphnode removal, chemo and radiation. I had only met my Reggie less than a year before diagnosis...he stayed with me through all of it.
Most of the time, I did NOT always feel sexy or sexual. I did, however want to cuddle, and "spooning" was a way I felt close to Reggie without having to have him see my scars, chemo weight,tired face, etc.
When the time was right for both of us, we passed the "just cuddle" stage. It was better for my psyche than I ever thought possible! The gentleness, coupled with the fact that at my age and now physical state, I was still the woman he wanted to be with was the best medicine ever! I stopped feeling ugly and unworthy and even old! And, I am almost 5 years older than Reggie is. It didn't and doesn't matter at all!
So...fast forward! I am now 60, actually I will be 61 next month! Reggie and I got married 3 weeks ago. Two weeks ago I found out I have liver, bone and lung-lining mets. He is still "attentive" to me, making me feel beautiful, desirable, and loved.
So, yeah~I would say that indeed there is hope! The physical parts of my body are not what they were in my 20's~ the emotional part however is active and needs reassurance and nurturing! I am with a man who thinks I am too good for him, and that he is lucky to be with me! And even though I know full well that it isn't at all true; and even though I sleep at night knowing how lucky I am to be with the likes of him...it works out perfectly for both of us! Each of us is exactly where we want to be~ and with whom!
Hugs,
Chen♥0 -
Inspirationchenheart said:I was 53 when I was first
I was 53 when I was first diagnosed~ I had a lumpectomy, lymphnode removal, chemo and radiation. I had only met my Reggie less than a year before diagnosis...he stayed with me through all of it.
Most of the time, I did NOT always feel sexy or sexual. I did, however want to cuddle, and "spooning" was a way I felt close to Reggie without having to have him see my scars, chemo weight,tired face, etc.
When the time was right for both of us, we passed the "just cuddle" stage. It was better for my psyche than I ever thought possible! The gentleness, coupled with the fact that at my age and now physical state, I was still the woman he wanted to be with was the best medicine ever! I stopped feeling ugly and unworthy and even old! And, I am almost 5 years older than Reggie is. It didn't and doesn't matter at all!
So...fast forward! I am now 60, actually I will be 61 next month! Reggie and I got married 3 weeks ago. Two weeks ago I found out I have liver, bone and lung-lining mets. He is still "attentive" to me, making me feel beautiful, desirable, and loved.
So, yeah~I would say that indeed there is hope! The physical parts of my body are not what they were in my 20's~ the emotional part however is active and needs reassurance and nurturing! I am with a man who thinks I am too good for him, and that he is lucky to be with me! And even though I know full well that it isn't at all true; and even though I sleep at night knowing how lucky I am to be with the likes of him...it works out perfectly for both of us! Each of us is exactly where we want to be~ and with whom!
Hugs,
Chen♥
Chen, you are an inspiration to us all. I think we all have body image issues, heck even those who don't have bc have the same kinds of issues! And I think mostly it's just our feelings, our husbands or signficant others, aren't nearly as concerned as to how we look as we are. They just want to care for us and we need to let them. At other times we are the strong ones - it's give and take.
Pinkpower, I think all the emotions you are feeling right now are so normal- it's just part of the journey.
Hugs, Sally0 -
I am so different.Miss Murphy said:Inspiration
Chen, you are an inspiration to us all. I think we all have body image issues, heck even those who don't have bc have the same kinds of issues! And I think mostly it's just our feelings, our husbands or signficant others, aren't nearly as concerned as to how we look as we are. They just want to care for us and we need to let them. At other times we are the strong ones - it's give and take.
Pinkpower, I think all the emotions you are feeling right now are so normal- it's just part of the journey.
Hugs, Sally
Although I don't look like I did before I don't think that I look that bad. Problem is my husband hasn't been very supportive, I'll spare everyone details. He has really hurt my feelings. My feelings for him has changed, the way I see him now has changed. I don't want to be intimate with him, what woman wants to be intimate with a man who shows no support, and has acted like a complete self centered jerk.0 -
Sunshine,ms.sunshine said:I am so different.
Although I don't look like I did before I don't think that I look that bad. Problem is my husband hasn't been very supportive, I'll spare everyone details. He has really hurt my feelings. My feelings for him has changed, the way I see him now has changed. I don't want to be intimate with him, what woman wants to be intimate with a man who shows no support, and has acted like a complete self centered jerk.
I am so sorry your
Sunshine,
I am so sorry your husband hasn't supported you as you need. I can't imagine facing all the things we have to face without someone to lean on. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You do have a support system here.
Chen,
Thanks for the encouragement and 'hope' for a return to intimacy and sex.
Chickadee0 -
Pinkpowerroseann4 said:Many of us suffer after it seems the worst is over.
Hi Lupe,
It is when it seems that the worst is over that many of us are hit with what seems like post traumatic stress syndrome. When the dust settles and we're done with the daily routine of treatments, our emotions finally come through big time. I spoke to my doctor about it and she said that it is very common. After treatment, many women go through a grieving process for the way life used to be. I don't know if that's your situation, but it is what I went through. I am happy to say that a year later, I'm fine. I am back to exercising and have lost 10 of the 20 lbs. I put on. I would take Chen's advise and start enjoying your body again. Walking is a great way to get your strengh and your positive attitude back. It is also something your family can do together. I'm sure your husband would appreciate the sex suggestion,too.
Do something nice for yourself every day. You deserve it.
Roseann
I just had this discussion with my onc doctor a couple days ago cuz i just went through what your going through...im pretty much at the stage you are just finished chemo and now on Tamoxifen for 2 months, I had a little melt down and i thought maybe it was the Tomaxifen and asked her about it.
She said this phase is very common after chemo and everyone thinks the Tamoxifen causes mood swings cuz it seems to come on shortly after taking it. She said this is not really the case. Chemo tricks your body into thinking your basically going into menapause so your hormones at this point arent what they normally are and during chemo you may not notice it as much with all the other side effects associated with the chemo but once your off the chemo and things are slowing down and shortly after you start the Tamoxifen, its natural to assume its the Tamoxifen but she told me its still the chemo.
Its also a major adjustment from having so many doctors appts and tests ect to it all the sudden just stopping...its like now what? Also now that things are slowing down now all the emotions are caughting up and your realizing what you just went through and its like everything is so surreal. She did say she could give me something for it but for me now that i know whats causing it im not having as bad of a time dealing with it...i just try to stay busy and active doing something and it seems to help.
I think Chen and Roseann had some good advise.
Good luck!!0 -
ms sunshinems.sunshine said:I am so different.
Although I don't look like I did before I don't think that I look that bad. Problem is my husband hasn't been very supportive, I'll spare everyone details. He has really hurt my feelings. My feelings for him has changed, the way I see him now has changed. I don't want to be intimate with him, what woman wants to be intimate with a man who shows no support, and has acted like a complete self centered jerk.
Sweet sister~
I was simply commenting on my situation~ there is a reason that I at 53 found myself in a new relationship; I had been married for OMG !27 years prior to meeting Reggie. That didn't sound right, Reggie was not the reason for the end of my marriage, I didn't know Reggie at all while I was married.
I would have been in EXACTLY your situation had I stayed where I was. I realize this in hindsight~ my Ex would not have been there for me emotionally, and in turn I would not have been there physically. And for 99.999999% of women, the emotional bond is way more important than the physical. Whereas the Beast is a couples thing, and it affects both in a relationship~ sadly True Colors also come to the forefront. And they are not always what we hoped for, wanted, expected, or can live with. I don't know what you want to do, and I am NOT telling you what you should do! ! Only 2 things come to mind: If you love him
and want to spend the rest of forever with him...I hope you can talk, yell, cry and work it out. If not, I hope you can talk, yell, cry and walk away. You have been through sooo much battling the Beast~ just know that the future belongs to you.Do what is right for you and your heart...
Hugs,
Chenheart0 -
Wise words from a wise woman!!!!chenheart said:I was 53 when I was first
I was 53 when I was first diagnosed~ I had a lumpectomy, lymphnode removal, chemo and radiation. I had only met my Reggie less than a year before diagnosis...he stayed with me through all of it.
Most of the time, I did NOT always feel sexy or sexual. I did, however want to cuddle, and "spooning" was a way I felt close to Reggie without having to have him see my scars, chemo weight,tired face, etc.
When the time was right for both of us, we passed the "just cuddle" stage. It was better for my psyche than I ever thought possible! The gentleness, coupled with the fact that at my age and now physical state, I was still the woman he wanted to be with was the best medicine ever! I stopped feeling ugly and unworthy and even old! And, I am almost 5 years older than Reggie is. It didn't and doesn't matter at all!
So...fast forward! I am now 60, actually I will be 61 next month! Reggie and I got married 3 weeks ago. Two weeks ago I found out I have liver, bone and lung-lining mets. He is still "attentive" to me, making me feel beautiful, desirable, and loved.
So, yeah~I would say that indeed there is hope! The physical parts of my body are not what they were in my 20's~ the emotional part however is active and needs reassurance and nurturing! I am with a man who thinks I am too good for him, and that he is lucky to be with me! And even though I know full well that it isn't at all true; and even though I sleep at night knowing how lucky I am to be with the likes of him...it works out perfectly for both of us! Each of us is exactly where we want to be~ and with whom!
Hugs,
Chen♥
I couldn't possibly love you more than I do right now, dear Chen!!!!
And, you are right about the cuddle...my beau and I did much of it, especially after rads to my pelvis for the rectal cancer just made anything else to darn painful!!!!
I have witnessed the almost mystic connection that you and Reggie have...it is truly wonderful! You both have been given a precious gift...each other!!!
Hugs, Kathi0 -
Kathi...as much as I loveKathiM said:Wise words from a wise woman!!!!
I couldn't possibly love you more than I do right now, dear Chen!!!!
And, you are right about the cuddle...my beau and I did much of it, especially after rads to my pelvis for the rectal cancer just made anything else to darn painful!!!!
I have witnessed the almost mystic connection that you and Reggie have...it is truly wonderful! You both have been given a precious gift...each other!!!
Hugs, Kathi
Kathi...as much as I love you ( and I truly do!) I also know that you are 9 hours ahead of me...and that you are up late and rise early! Thank you for your sweet words; I fear nonetheless that it is delirium talking! I hope that you at least take afternoon naps! LOL
Really...Reggie and I are special when I think about it!
hugs,
Chen0
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