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Wow, I'm taken back

citrusgirlrn
Posts: 5
Joined: Jul 2010

First I have to say it again I am truely taken back by all the support and love on this site. I have been a nurse for 20 years and involved with RFL and The Breast Cancer 3-day for several years. Now instead of sending one of my patients home or to another hospital with cancer I have to deal with it hands on with my mother.

I hadn't seen my mom in about 6 months but when I first saw her I knew there was something really wrong and had suspected she had cancer. She told me she was putting off going to the doctor until Aug. because that is when she would get her Medicare. That was about 1 month ago. I got a call last Saturday that my brother had taken her to the hospital because she couldn't breathe. Yes she did have a heart attack, fluid around the lungs and heart, PE and after several other tests cancer. She was told there are tumors on the liver, both kidneys, overies, uterus and colon. Since we have been told that it is primary ovarian cancer type IV. The doctors have started to give her all the options but I don't know what she will decide she is now having the doctors call me directly since she doesn't understand most of what the have told her. Although most options are only pallative at this point. Things have progressed way to far.

I updated my brother and he flat out said that he can't care for her (he and his wife have been living with her). I knew he wouldn't do it so I have now opened my house up and are about to start moving her things in. Mom doesn't know any of this and I'm not to sure how to tell her that her son and his family won't care for her. She is still in the hospital. There has been some talk about hospice but I want to let things soak in one step at a time. I did go against her wishes and spoke to her best friend that live many states away and told her what was going on. I really need to know am I taking this too far. How do I let her know and fill in all the blanks without making her feel worse?

Any advice would be great I could use the help!
God Bless,
Karyn

saundra's picture
saundra
Posts: 1390
Joined: Mar 2007

You can read my story by clicking on my picture so I won't repeat it here. I was Stage IV with liver and bowel and spleen mets plus other abdominal places. Four doses of carbo/taxol reduced my tumors by half and then I had major debulking surgery by a gyn/onc. Saundra

leesag's picture
leesag
Posts: 624
Joined: Jan 2010

Hi Karyn,

I'm not sure that I have any advice for you. One suggestion I have though, is that instead of telling your mom that her son doesn't want her, perhaps you can put another spin on it. "We discussed who is better able to care for you, and since I'm a nurse, it made sense that you should come home with me for awhile."

That way she doesn't feel abandoned by your brother and she feels loved and cared for by you!

As for filling in the blanks without making her feel worse, I'm not sure there is a way to do that. My only other suggestion is that when you do fill in the blanks, you give her some plan of action so that she doesn't feel hopeless.

Hugs,
Leesa

LPack's picture
LPack
Posts: 658
Joined: Oct 2008

Karyn,

I don't really have any advice, how old is your mom? I know you may not have the time right now, but there are some amazing stories on our board here that are very encouraging.

Your mom may surprise you and only God knows when we will each leave this earthly body.

I like what Leesa said regarding your brother. Saundra has an encouraging testimony.

Living for Eternity,
Libby

msfanciful
Posts: 580
Joined: Nov 2009

Hello Karyn and welcome to our board,

I'm in agreement with Leesa regarding how to break the news about your brother.

This type of situation must definitely be taken one day at a time. There is just no way to absorb all the details/info all at once. It is actually quite overwhelming. How old is your mother if I may ask?

Have the doctors even discussed chemo or has she even had surgery yet? Are they informing you of what her best mode of treatment/s should be?

Right now I wouldn't even focus on the brother, just focus on your mother and be intent on getting her the best possible care so that she can attempt to heal. This may seem like a very dark hour for you and your mother right now, but you never know...your mom may just come through this like a champ. Only God knows.

So don't worry yourself sick

I will be keeping your mother and your well-being in my prayers as well.

Peace to you,

Sharon

mopar
Posts: 1948
Joined: May 2003

You've gotten a lot of wonderful advice here. I echo the same. The only question I have is, I would imagine that when you say your brother and sister-in-law have been living with your mom, that means it's your Mom's house? Don't know how she'll feel about not being in her own home, but again, I think it's wonderful that you will care for her. I and my sister cared for our mother during her last months with us. I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Sending oodles of prayers and hugs, Karyn. God bless!

Monika

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