ANGRY ANGRY ANGRY at myself........

Lisa13Q
Lisa13Q Member Posts: 677
edited March 2014 in Caregivers #1
We're coming up on a year since my mother's diagnosis....ovca stage IIIc....what a year it has been. She is experiencing her first recurrance and will be starting new chemo within the next few weeks.....I just posted somewhere else as well but feel a need to keep writing....I am sooo angry these days...sooo angry....I don't know why....the year has been filled with blessings and pain, good days and bad days. My friends and spouse and workplace have been nothing but supportive. I am truly lucky in that regard....Intellectually I know all this, so why am I sooo damn angry these days? I have made positive changes....I am proud of how I have handled things....my intellect is there.....but my emotions are furious....when I first heard the diagnosis, I was angry a bit but was able to quickly move into action mode...I was very sad and frightened...but now for whatever reason I am angry. My mother is upbeat and realistic. When I first found out I was panicked and wondered if I would ever be able to survive my mother's inevitable death from this disease. I have recently reached a point where I can actually say "I'll be ok". I feel sooooo guilty about that...I think I am angry at myself for feeling this way...what kind of daughter can be ok with the death of their mother? Does this make me horrible? At first, I was soo sad and panicked and only thought of all the great things about my mother, now I can think of some of the not so great things....is this horrible? I don't want her to pass, but I do think I will be able to handle it and I feel horrible about that....and for those who may think I am being pessimistic about the outcome of this.....I am not. We have had some very honest conversations with the gyn/onc and her disease can be managed but not cured. Is this all normal?

Comments

  • ruthelizabeth
    ruthelizabeth Member Posts: 138
    #2
    Probably normal
    I'm a church secretary. We had a devoted couple who'd been married for decades. The wife was the one in ill health, but her husband died very suddenly. Shortly afterwards, she told me she was so angry at him because once when she'd just bought a new coat, he threw it out. I was startled, but now I think it was a way of coping with the grief of losing him.

    I think you may be subconsciously protecting yourself from the pain of what you're sure is coming. If you love your mother devotedly, something inside yourself knows it will hurt you terribly to lose her. Being angry and thinking of the not-so-great things about your mother are both ways of buffering the coming pain.

    As for feeling you'll be okay if she dies, well, you will be. You'll have to be. Christina Rossetti once wrote "I accept the world." And a colleague responded, "She'd better."

    My mom died in 1998 and Don died 4/13. In both instances there was and has been a horrible aftermath of family drama (think fangs, claws and rabid bites, like that). I am not telling you I've sailed thru it smiling because I just don't lie that well. There have been and still are times when I not only am not sure I'll make it, I wonder if I want to. I would like to think that's normal. It took quite a while after my mom died for me to get to a calm, happy life again. I think it will take a long time this time, too. Don and I were inseparable.

    Keep in contact here with others who have been and are going thru similar circumstances. Try to find people in your life who will let you talk and who will support you. If you don't have a church family, look for one. I have one at my home church and one where I work. There are people in both who are extremely good about listening, which is what I need fairly often. Get a journal and make sure you write in it daily or as often as you can. YOu'll get all the feelings out on paper where they'll hurt less. A year or two from now if you reread it, you'll be surprised at how much more painful and sad it was than you remember it was.

    Don'd oncologist was much more honest with me privately than he was with Don. Even without that, I would have been braced for Don's death months before it happened because I could see the progression. Love your mom as much as you can. Make good memories. Don't deny yourself honest emotions of whatever kind occur. Don't ask yourself to be different than you are. Don't be surprised if there are moments later when you look back and second-guess yourself, but remember that you did your best.

    You'll be okay. I promise you.

    Ruth Elizabeth
    Don's forever wife
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #3
    turn
    Hi Lisa, I've been wondering about your Mom. More chemo, eh? My mother sees here onc this week and I'll be going down to squire her to the almost certain round of CTs and other tests. She's still hanging in there, having an even balance of good days and bad ones.

    On the anger...some dear old Buddhist friends say we can get stuck "walking in the world of anger" in which anger rules everything, starting with us. To leave that world you must mindfully turn, and step back into the world of love and compassion. Interestingly, the original Aramaic definition for "repent" is "to turn." So, the practice becomes to consciously turn from the anger to something better.

    I don't think you would be having these problems if we didn't live in such a death-phobic society. As the months pass, I can now say I enjoy caring for my mother, which I never would have imagined to be true. We have both learned so much about one another in the last 17 months, and I think we're both ready for whatever comes. There is nothing horrible in any of it.
  • Lisa13Q
    Lisa13Q Member Posts: 677
    #4
    Barbara53 said:

    turn
    Hi Lisa, I've been wondering about your Mom. More chemo, eh? My mother sees here onc this week and I'll be going down to squire her to the almost certain round of CTs and other tests. She's still hanging in there, having an even balance of good days and bad ones.

    On the anger...some dear old Buddhist friends say we can get stuck "walking in the world of anger" in which anger rules everything, starting with us. To leave that world you must mindfully turn, and step back into the world of love and compassion. Interestingly, the original Aramaic definition for "repent" is "to turn." So, the practice becomes to consciously turn from the anger to something better.

    I don't think you would be having these problems if we didn't live in such a death-phobic society. As the months pass, I can now say I enjoy caring for my mother, which I never would have imagined to be true. We have both learned so much about one another in the last 17 months, and I think we're both ready for whatever comes. There is nothing horrible in any of it.

    Hi Barbara and Ruth..Thanks
    Yes, Barbara my mother has been experiencing constipation and appetite issues. Apparently her stomach hurts. So after much urging, she finally called her gyn/onc and said she was ready to try chemo again. She her gyn/onc has placed her in a trial for Parp inhibitors. It's the first of it's kind. Parp inhibitors plus ABT 88 for non BRCA women. 150 women are going to be enrolled. 100 women will get the PARP + ABT 88. 50 will get doxil. Mom hopes she gets the PARP. She's going into see the onc next week. We'll see. Mom knows this OVCA is terminal and now she's just hoping for time. NOt real sure what my struggle these past few weeks are all about. I think Ruth is right. Mom's PET scan results freaked me out and I know it's bad. But she wants to go on with her life as usual and my visits represent not usual so I am letting her dictate and I am not going out as much. I think I am mad at her for not wanting me around that much. The other day, we were joking and I told her I expect a great x-mas present and she surprised me by saying she wasn't sure she'd be here at x-mas. That shocked me because she really is doing ok. Her CA-125 is 9. She doesn't have any big lesions. I don't see her declining that much in 6 months. I don't know. This is a tough illness. I think the good part for me are the few moments I feel "I'll be ok". I hope my mother and I go back to smooth sailing like you and yours. Right now, it feels weird. Happy 4th to you....
  • Barbara53
    Barbara53 Member Posts: 652
    #5
    Lisa13Q said:

    Hi Barbara and Ruth..Thanks
    Yes, Barbara my mother has been experiencing constipation and appetite issues. Apparently her stomach hurts. So after much urging, she finally called her gyn/onc and said she was ready to try chemo again. She her gyn/onc has placed her in a trial for Parp inhibitors. It's the first of it's kind. Parp inhibitors plus ABT 88 for non BRCA women. 150 women are going to be enrolled. 100 women will get the PARP + ABT 88. 50 will get doxil. Mom hopes she gets the PARP. She's going into see the onc next week. We'll see. Mom knows this OVCA is terminal and now she's just hoping for time. NOt real sure what my struggle these past few weeks are all about. I think Ruth is right. Mom's PET scan results freaked me out and I know it's bad. But she wants to go on with her life as usual and my visits represent not usual so I am letting her dictate and I am not going out as much. I think I am mad at her for not wanting me around that much. The other day, we were joking and I told her I expect a great x-mas present and she surprised me by saying she wasn't sure she'd be here at x-mas. That shocked me because she really is doing ok. Her CA-125 is 9. She doesn't have any big lesions. I don't see her declining that much in 6 months. I don't know. This is a tough illness. I think the good part for me are the few moments I feel "I'll be ok". I hope my mother and I go back to smooth sailing like you and yours. Right now, it feels weird. Happy 4th to you....

    9!?!
    Your Mom's CA125 is only 9?? My goodness, it's possible that her stomach issues are due to post-surgical adhesions rather than cancer. When my mom had her gall bladder removed, they used the laparascopic equipment to clip dozens of spider web type adhesions inside her abdomen, and plucked out a small cancer lesion, too.

    My Mom's CA125 was 40, 50, 60 for the last 3 months, and just jumped to 107 (for general info, the normal on this blood marker is 25 or less, usually less than 10). She has a CT/PT set for Tues and talk with the doc Thurs or Fri. So, I'll be repeating your Hell Week this week, already getting depressed.

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